To feel sad that DS16 is spending the entire summer holidays in his pyjamas?

[Crazyladee]

Okay so we're post gcses and he has had a stressful few months but now a few weeks into the exams ending, he has turned into a lazy slob. He doesn't get dressed, just stays in his pyjamas and apart from coming downstairs to get food or do the odd job for me such as unload the dishwasher, he doesn't leave his bed. We've suggested various things for him to do but he's not interested in any hobbies or activities other than Netflix or the Xbox.
The other day he went for a sleepover at a mates house but he caught the bus home late evening as he missed his own bed!
I said to DH what are all his mates doing but we have worked out that they are all hanging out via the Xbox together all in their respective bedrooms!
We can't exactly drag him out of the house or his bedroom but I can't help but feel sad as I have fond memories of the summer I broke up from school doing all sorts and also having a part time summer job and made quite a bit of cash.
Please tell me I'm not alone or do I really have a reclusive lazy slob for a son??

storm

I'm with you, I hate having to do things just because... People need space. I think some people need to cling to rules..

Everyone has to be showered and dressed by 10am!!!! - sounds like a laugh in your house AlexanderHamilton!

What happens if you don't get in until 5am?

I make my 15 year old get dressed, but otherwise I'm happy for him to laze around (though it would be helpful if he did a bit of revision of his year 10 work, too). He does do some physical activity too so he's not completely glued to the xbox and has taken himself out for bike rides.

I don't think it matters. I was kind of hoping he'd get a job after GCSEs next year but he'll be doing a lifeguarding course at some point and maybe athletics coach course too so he'll get out of the house for at least a few days out of the 10 weeks or so!

I can't remember what I did after GCSEs but I had a Saturday job so I think I lazed around, saw friends from time and time and picked up a few extra hours in the week.

Leave him be. He’ll turn out fine.

I have a 16 year old ds who has just finished GCSE's. We've had a 10 day holiday in this country during which he did a lot of surfing and outdoors stuff, he went to stay with my parents for a week and helped my Dad with lots of jobs round the garden, they played golf etc and he had no xbox there.
He's now gone away with his Dad's family for a week and will be back a week before exam results.
Before our holiday he too spent pretty much everyday on his room on Xbox with his mates but he did go out in the evenings to the beach with his friends.
He will no doubt be straight back on Xbox when he gets home but I don't mind as he has done quite a lot in between.
Do you have family he could stay with? Is there family he could go away and visit and make himself useful? Cousins? Even just a week or few days away from home with relatives, Just anything to break up the time a bit so it's not all Xbox. Teenagers tend to be much more resourceful and happy to engage with adults and other family members when their parents aren't around in my experience!

I think mine would have done the same if I let them tbh.
They had to get jobs for summer hols as they cost more when at home.
If they wanted me to continue subbing them they also did lots round the house.
Cleaning windows, gardening, mowing the lawn, running errands, helping to declutter for the following school year.
They had to clean own rooms and communal walkways, landing, hall, stairs etc.
I wouldn't have allowed pj's all day, but iirc they tried the lazy approach, as they all do.

Sounds like he just needs some downtime.

I've got one who has done this every year since gcse's. It drives me bonkers - what a waste of free time. I do insist on him being showered and dressed for evening meal which he has to eat at the table with us! He came home from Uni at the start of June and it started again. He knew he had to get a job for the summer but put little effort in - until I found him the job vacancies and made him apply. After 1 month at home he started a job 5 days a week so now at least he is only spending 2 days a week in bed watching You Tube.

I don't ever remember lying in bed for even half a day at that age never mind all day. No wonder ricketts is on the rise again - he is as pale as anything as he only goes from his car to the door of work/home and works indoors all day so never sees sunlight!

I'll probably be berated for this but here goes...

For context, I am 28 years old, and am grateful to have a job that I enjoy and I own my house. I had my last GCSE exam on a Friday, and the following Monday I started in an admin position (basic computer work) at a major bank, 5 days a week for the 6 weeks that I had off before I went on to start my A-Levels. I continued with this admin job one day a week during the two years of my A-Levels, as well as working in a department store (back of house, finance office) on weekends.

Whilst at university, I worked 30 hours a week (Admin) whilst studying as a full time student. I did not, at any point, lounge in my pyjamas, or be idle, as any time that I wasn't in a uni lecture, I was either studying or working. I was bloody tired at the end of my degree, but it meant that I walked out of university and straight into a well paid job of my choice (because I had accumulated 6 years of relevant work experience by then).

Society is constantly telling us that the millennial generation (and those after us) have got it tough, that there are no jobs (or well paid ones), that there is no affordable housing etc. Actually, it's all within reach, but Gen X/Y parents who have failed to instill work ethic in their children from an early age, and have enabled the type of behaviour that OP's son is demonstrating, are the reason that their offspring do not prosper later in life.

If i had my way i'd never leave the house. my biggest indulgence as a parent is booking myself into a hotel for a long weekend and basically reading books and eating for 3 days. Not everyone likes going out and about and 'doing stuff'. let him use his downtime his own way.

DS (16) works 3 days a week (Thurs, Sat, Sun) which gives him enough ££ to see friends.

On the other 4 days, he probably goes out socially 3/4 days.

However, any time in the house he is gaming. I dread to think what he would be like if he did that 24/7

Things we've found helpful with DD 15 yrs are:

• animals
• cooking together
• expeditions out (but not announced as such, just get in car and ramble off somewhere in a low key way)
• having friends over
• us (parents) doing things we think she'd like to do around the house but again not announcing it as a huge "thing", just starting it casually and hoping she'll join in - sometimes she does, sometimes she doesnt
• three meals a day - at dining room table - no excuses (although she is excused breakfast at weekends occasionally)
• sharing chores (difficult that one because of moaning and groaning)
• using holidays to push autonomy; so allowing her to drive a bit of small farm machinery under supervision (not easily available option for everyone I know) , suggesting taking train to meet up with X friend and I'll pick you up at Y station, asking them to problem solve/find solution to something practical you are having difficulties with etc etc, going to deliver something/speak to someone locally to sort something out
• rough agreed time limits on wi-fi use

Mostly works - not always - some coercion necessary!

Summer job? That's what got me out of the house at 16. I would lie in until mid afternoon every day reading or watching TV. Parents insisted I work and it was the best thing they could've done for me.

Is he is going back to do a levels etc then let him rest. Maybe plan a few trips and treat him but don't worry

Oh yes my DS is tasked with cooking a meal for the family one day a week. He's been doing that all through year 11 and has been great for getting him to show an interest in food and cooking.
Maybe your ds might enjoy this?
I also get him to mow the lawn (for £5) and walk the dog up the field.

Hereforthaughs: so you got your admin job in a bank after GCSEs 12 years ago? Am I right?

You seem to think those sorts of job opportunities are still around today, why is that? There has been a recession since then.

Do schools allow A Level students one day off a week to work? I am sure DS1's wouldn't have.

The latest anyone has ever got in our house is 3am & that was dh driving back from London after a conference down there.

Young people find summer jobs easily round here too.
At 16 they can wait on tables, work in dept stores, markets, newsagents etc.
They even work in call centres from 16, earning the same as older employees round here.
There are lots of A level students at my old work who are earning £158 per week, cold calling.
They have to if their parents can't afford to keep them £82.80 per month cb doesn't really cover everything.

The school my DS will be going to allow them to have an afternoon off a week to either work or do work experience.

DS1's definitely wouldn't have. I must ask when DS2 starts in September. I didn't know that.

Ours were given some slack but not that much! A week of lazing at end of term at most. They were required to have things planned in for the summer from camping with friends, work experience, voluntary work, work, summer schools etc. They did some fantastic things that gave them a head start in university and job applications as well as allowing good fun. I’d start by limiting the Internet.

I'd try and get him out with me for a walk or lunch a few times a week or maybe watch a film together but as long as he was showering and brushing his teeth and eating ok I'd pretty much leave him be.

Local teens shag & do drugs in nearby abandoned buildings. Leave litter all over. I'm surprised I don't recognise any of them coz this is a really small town and I would be looking at their parents quite differently if I knew who they were. Be grateful for problems you don't have.