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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my husband never to bring up how much money I make ever again?

610 replies

dellacucina · 02/08/2018 10:19

Between us, my husband and I earn a very good living. I make about £60k before tax and I have a very flexible job. He makes over £100k.

My husband seems to believe that I have a duty to make as much money as possible and he loves to throw this in my face when it suits him - he basically suggests he has more say over our family financial decisions than I do because he makes more.

This morning we had a terrible row about childcare. We currently only do a 4 day nursery week and the nursery is very annoying to get to, plus this creates stress because I work a 5 day week and we fill the gap with help from his elderly mother (who tires easily and probably allows us to take advantage of her a bit) and an au pair (though we don't currently have one). I would prefer to move to a closer nursery for 5 days a week. This would cost about £400 more net per month. This would basically have no bearing on our quality of life.

I have forbidden him from bringing up my salary, which he considers to be absolutely paltry. But he again brought this up today - not in the context of 'well, we need to consider our finances in the round', but 'if you're going to demand such unreasonable childcare arrangements, then YOU need to make more money!'

Am I being unreasonable about childcare?

Is it unreasonable to expect to be treated as an equal partner even though I make less money? Even with our extra help, I am the main caregiver for our DD (whom i adore - so I don't want a higher paid stressful job), so i offer noneconomic value to the relationship.

Btw I am completely aware that we are very fortunate and I would never say otherwise! I just find it frustrating to live with someone who seems to believe we are in the poorhouse and can't spend some extra money to improve our lives

OP posts:
Original poster
dellacucina · 04/08/2018 10:34

Zadig: I said I did not want to have children if it would ruin my life - meaning constantly harried, no social life, rushing from work to the nursery and on my feet all day, never feeling I had enough time to be a good mother and good at my job

OP posts:
Original poster
dellacucina · 04/08/2018 10:38

Also, I think he is confused and has conflicting ideas about what he wants. He had a SAHM and she took care of everything for the family (at least all the traditionally feminine tasks). He seems to kind of want that but also for me to make a lot of money. He always has wanted me to work but if he made more he would probably want me to stay at home - though I am sure he would just then consider me his agent whose time was at his complete disposal

OP posts:
Original poster
dellacucina · 04/08/2018 10:39

Tinkobell, I am just very uncertain of what to do. I basically would like him to have more respect for me and I don't really want to disrupt my life. But the fighting is getting to be too much and i don't seem to be able to just ignore his nasty attitude

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Original poster
dellacucina · 04/08/2018 10:41

Also, he definitely wants another child but he dreads all the work and hassle that comes with it. I guess I feel the same.

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Original poster
dellacucina · 04/08/2018 10:42

Sorry to be so piecemeal - yes he is generally uptight. We both probably are to be honest

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Beacauseisaidso · 04/08/2018 10:44

I think the money issue is a red herring. What strikes me here is that well functioning families operate in a way that's best for everyone, this doesn't seem to be the situation.
Elderly, frail mother - taken advantage of. Is this fair or reasonable?
Dd - is she impacted by this care?
What's it like for her being picked up by a stressed parent?
Nutrition - isn't this important for growing children as well as adults?

My view is your husband is only thinking of himself. Full stop.

He is enabled to do this becsuse your legal status means you feel that you have limited options.

I don't know your dh. Maybe theres a multitude of good things he does for his family that are thoughtful and acts of kindness.or maybe this is the tip of the iceberg? I think it would be worth talking to a domestic abuse organisation, like women's aid for a plan B

Bluelady · 04/08/2018 10:44

Why would he dread it? The work and hassle has zero impact on him. I can see why you'd dread it, though. Please don't have another child with this man.

Bowlofbabelfish · 04/08/2018 10:45

He is charming and was very in love with me when we met. He has excellent taste, we have similar outlooks about many things, he is trustworthy (I think) and responsible, quite handsome, and has lovely friends. He has a history of disregarding my feelings, but we are good friends when you take this out of it

These are not qualities I find positive.
Charming men are best avoided.
Taste is neither here nor there
Is he trustworthy? He’s letting you down.
Handsome is neither here nor there
He disregards your feelings.

I wouldn’t be happy in such a relationship. He’s stingy, doesn’t help with the baby and criticises you constantly. It sounds shit.

I’d be outta there.

Tinkobell · 04/08/2018 10:53

Well it sounds like you need to seek councilling together and see where that gets you both. It sounds like child 1 hasn't been a rip roaring success and has actually thrown up a lot of new issues which you both need to work through around your mutual perception of responsibility, roles as earners / parents, money, personal freedom.....all sorts of stuff. A lot of couples have to work through that transition but it sound so to me like you both need help. I think the big problem that I see is both of your acceptance that parenthood brings joy but also massive personal compromise. What about counselling?

Tinkobell · 04/08/2018 10:56

Fgs don't have another child until you've sorted this out. Sounds to me like you'd be doing it for the wrong reasons I.e it's the 'done' thing, rather than because you're really ready for that second baby.

Original poster
dellacucina · 04/08/2018 11:00

Becauseisaidso: basically, he is selfish and he is good at rationalising his behaviour and finding alternative explanations for his motivations.

He sometimes does thoughtful things, especially when they align with his values. He lacks empathy and is not able to understand that others may value other things.

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Zadig · 04/08/2018 11:02

If I were you OP, I would sit him down and tell him that his attitude and expectations are making you ill. Tell him you are thinking of going to the doctor because you feel like you’re on eggshells all the time and you can’t cope. Ask him if he thinks it’s in DD’s interests to have an ill or depressed mother, or one suffering from anxiety.

Forget what he wants or doesn’t want - what do YOU want? Do you want to keep the career going? Do you want to be at home more? Either way is fine, but you have to be honest with yourself about what’s the right balance for YOU.

Also accept that nothing is ever perfect. As I said, my DH is the opposite of yours, even though he’s extremely money focused too. He says everything he does is for the family and he truly believes this, though essentially he’s a workaholic. He told me before we got married that if we ever had DC he would not expect me to need to do anything else as children having a mum at home is the most important thing. He said, he wouldn’t consider having DC unless he was sure he could financially support a family independently. So I’ve been a long-term SAHM which has suited me in many ways because I would have felt torn in two otherwise, but you are right, that they do come to see you as the supporting act and this can be problematic too. I knew that if I worked part-time or flexibly, I would just end up still doing it all and splitting myself in two, so I just didn’t even go there. And now he makes so much money that anything I could earn would be immaterial, so he says me returning to work would be “pointless” and my role at home is far more valuable. I’m just telling you this because it’s the other side of the coin really. I think all you can do is be honest with yourself about the way it suits you to live (given that nothing is perfect), own it and then proceed on that basis.

Original poster
dellacucina · 04/08/2018 11:02

No, I would want a second baby because I love my first one so much and I would like to experience it again.

he likes the idea of having a bigger family sort of conceptually so maybe that is part of his motivation.

Problem is I do not really have too much time to think about it! I'm getting to the end of my shelf life...

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Tinkobell · 04/08/2018 11:03

I think to go into having a child with either party full of 'dread' is crappy. I wouldn't think of doing it! A bit Apprehensive, yeah sure. But dread fgs!

Tinkobell · 04/08/2018 11:08

Well he needs to Square up concept and reality. Cos the two can be different! Concept is ideal families with lots of kids, mum has her hair done dads got a nice car and free time. Reality is lots of love, croup cough, reflux at 2am, grey hairs potentially new mum friends etc etc .....reality requires commitment come what may from both of you.

Original poster
dellacucina · 04/08/2018 11:27

He definitely has been shocked by how much work it is and generally how difficult it can be having a baby. OTOH I thought it would be dreadful and it has been better than I expected! Maybe dread is overstating it, idk.

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Loopytiles · 04/08/2018 12:40

Sadly, having DC2 with a sexist DH like this is likely to trap you. Will make it much, much harder for you to WoH. Eg when you have both a nursery and school run. And harder to afford London life as a single parent.

How often do YOU go out for the day, or a few hours, at weekends? Your DH could do to spend a good chunk of time parenting.

Your immigration status is another problem, you need sound legal advice on that before breaking up.

NotAgainYoda · 04/08/2018 12:49

Zadig

"If I were you OP, I would sit him down and tell him that his attitude and expectations are making you ill. Tell him you are thinking of going to the doctor because you feel like you’re on eggshells all the time and you can’t cope. Ask him if he thinks it’s in DD’s interests to have an ill or depressed mother, or one suffering from anxiety"

I am not at all sure this is a good idea. I think that in fact it could be very dangerous for her to give a man who lacks such empathy, who is very sexist, such potential ammunition to turn around on her. A man who might wish to open up the doubts she already has about whose the unreasonable one.

Such an approach might work on some husbands. Hers, not that likely IMO

TransplantsArePlants · 04/08/2018 12:49

who's the unreasonable one

Original poster
dellacucina · 04/08/2018 12:57

I think this would likely backfire. He thinks I am oversensitive and he probably would use any of my admitted frailties to his advantage if he ever felt attacked (as he does when I am annoyed with his treatment of me). At the same time, he would probably be concerned if he truly did believe I was unwell in some way.

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Original poster
dellacucina · 04/08/2018 12:59

What is WoH btw?

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bridgetreilly · 04/08/2018 13:27

OP, I'm really sorry. This sounds like a genuinely awful situation to be in. The questions I would be asking are whether you really want to be in a marriage with a man you can't have an honest conversation with about your feelings, without feeling afraid about what the repercussions might be. A history of disregarding your feelings is not something to be ignored.

This isn't about money or about his bizarre expectations re. nursery care, earning power, meal preparation times or any of those things. This is about being valued, respected and trusted as an equal partner in your marriage. And sadly, it seems like he doesn't do any of those things. Unless you can find a way for him to have a massive about-turn on that, this seems like a relationship that would be better to leave sooner rather than later. Do you really want your daughter growing up in this environment? How will he treat her? What will he teach her to expect from her own marriage? And so on.

Zadig · 04/08/2018 13:34

I think WOH is “work outside the home”.

That’s a shame you think he would use any perceived vulnerability against you. My DH can be very high-handed and demanding in other ways (not finances, but he’s high-maintenance). I told him the combo of him and the kids was turning me into a nervous wreck. He didn’t like it at first as he doesn’t take criticism well. He was quiet for a few days while he processed the info, but he is trying. We’re on holiday at the moment and I can see he’s making an effort to switch off from work and just “be”. He is totally hyper and struggles with this in general. He also knows I’m in therapy at the moment and I’m not sure what he thinks about that. He has never called me a “princess” though and he can see when I mean business.

The thing is, you can be “ok” for years and then some small, seemingly insignificant thing, can be the straw that breaks the camel’s back.

mirialis · 04/08/2018 16:20

Also this you do not tell a man that thinks he has the great rational brain and that his wife is insecure, over-sensitive, "crazy", incapable of pushing back etc. that she cannot cope!!! The only real chance of him changing I think is he actually comes to believe that she can and will cope with anything, including picking up DD and leading the "single mom" life that he keeps telling her wouldn't be able to enjoy. Of course, OP has to come to actually believe that too first...

Oly5 · 04/08/2018 16:24

Tell him to do the drop off and pick ups from now on. See how quickly he shuts up