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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my husband never to bring up how much money I make ever again?

610 replies

dellacucina · 02/08/2018 10:19

Between us, my husband and I earn a very good living. I make about £60k before tax and I have a very flexible job. He makes over £100k.

My husband seems to believe that I have a duty to make as much money as possible and he loves to throw this in my face when it suits him - he basically suggests he has more say over our family financial decisions than I do because he makes more.

This morning we had a terrible row about childcare. We currently only do a 4 day nursery week and the nursery is very annoying to get to, plus this creates stress because I work a 5 day week and we fill the gap with help from his elderly mother (who tires easily and probably allows us to take advantage of her a bit) and an au pair (though we don't currently have one). I would prefer to move to a closer nursery for 5 days a week. This would cost about £400 more net per month. This would basically have no bearing on our quality of life.

I have forbidden him from bringing up my salary, which he considers to be absolutely paltry. But he again brought this up today - not in the context of 'well, we need to consider our finances in the round', but 'if you're going to demand such unreasonable childcare arrangements, then YOU need to make more money!'

Am I being unreasonable about childcare?

Is it unreasonable to expect to be treated as an equal partner even though I make less money? Even with our extra help, I am the main caregiver for our DD (whom i adore - so I don't want a higher paid stressful job), so i offer noneconomic value to the relationship.

Btw I am completely aware that we are very fortunate and I would never say otherwise! I just find it frustrating to live with someone who seems to believe we are in the poorhouse and can't spend some extra money to improve our lives

OP posts:
Tinkobell · 04/08/2018 16:47

3 choices as I see it OP

  1. Carry on and just live with it. It's not 1950 though and you're decent earning able woman with options. Lots of people do though. You just have to shrug off his comments and rants and roll your eyes and say 'yes dear'
  2. Change him or your set up in some way. Requires probably 3rd party counselling, mutual commitment. You do have a child, home and marriage at stake.
  3. Leave and start over. Sounds like he'd make a horrible enemy.....tbh in the same position I'd at least give 2. a decent crack.
That's kind of it, isn't it?
Tinkobell · 04/08/2018 16:50

Actually another one......4. separate and see if time and space give him the jolt needed to change his ways. Risky though but sometimes with certain personality types it is the only way.

Squidgee · 04/08/2018 17:04

I would play the long game. I assume you have personal savings?

Start filtering more of your own money into a savings account he doesn't have access to or knowledge of.

Wait the time you have to for your ILR application.

Leave his abusive ass.

Original poster
dellacucina · 04/08/2018 22:21

Tinkobell: I am wondering whether I need to just adopt approach 1. This might be possible if I can say 'yes dear' and then just do what I want. Otherwise I suppose 2 needs to be it because I am not great at just ignoring him at this point.

OP posts:
mirialis · 04/08/2018 23:21

You are going to go for option 1.5 and it's going to be hard on DD.

I know that sounds harsh but it's been clear from the start you were not going to leave him even when the visa comes but you are also not going to say 'yes dear' AND do what you want, because he controls the family finances so the only way you can 'do what you want' when it comes to DD's childcare and the like is accept that anything beyond what he determines is right comes out of your personal money. So you can only do what you want for your family within the bounds of your personal fund, not the family fund. And that's going to piss you off..-> war of the roses.

Original poster
dellacucina · 05/08/2018 08:37

Mirialis: ouch, but I can see why you would say that. I want to see what comes of counseling. I actually don't think I am capable of staying with someone when I have grown to hate them (which will happen if this goes on). But perhaps that's what you mean anyway - it's better not to let things get to that point.

OP posts:
RoseTinted1 · 05/08/2018 08:42

We have less than your single salary coming into our 4 person family with both DH and I working full time.
Your DH is an absolute arse! My DH wouldn't bat an eyelid if I didn't earn and stayed at home with the children and he 'provided'... but then he values his family over money.

Xenia · 05/08/2018 08:47

On the filtering money away suggestion on divorce that also goes in the pot and must be declared (it would be illegal not to declare it) so it may not be a good plan although legitimate gifts to the children or a siblings are not illegal as long as they are genuinely that.

Original poster
dellacucina · 05/08/2018 08:57

I have to admit that it is a bit surprising that almost everyone has said that this sounds like clear abuse and I should obviously leave. I can't help but think that I am failing to present my own failings properly.

Though writing this, I see that even if I am not perfect, clearly nothing I have done should have triggered his constant suggestions that I need to earn my keep financially.

OP posts:
Original poster
dellacucina · 05/08/2018 09:09

Zadig: thanks very much for sharing your experience. It's definitely true that nothing is ever perfect. The thing I have been struggling with is determining when it goes from simply a bit imperfect to completely intolerable - and this must be a very personal choice.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 05/08/2018 09:09

Exactly OP it doesnt matter about your behaviour or your actions, his are abusive full stop. And it you think about it I suspect your behaviour all going back to the first time he did it

Everyone has failings, everyone has failings in relationships but normal healthy relationships do not lead to one being abusive

But also I suspect your behaviour never changes his anyway

TatianaLarina · 05/08/2018 09:11

Whatever your failings are - they don’t cancel out his. Ie they don’t make any difference.

Everyone has their faults, but his behaviour is untenable.

I strongly suspcet yours of being too nice, too conciliatory, too apt to abide by his choices and decisions and too prone to excusing his faults.

Not to say you wouldn’t yell at him if he pissed you off - I hope so, but that’s not quite the same as properly standing up to him.

TatianaLarina · 05/08/2018 09:15

But also I suspect your behaviour never changes his anyway

Yep. And this is the thing with guys like this - you’re just reduced to getting angry because nothing can ever be negotiated properly and equally, he doesn’t hear anything you say, and nothing ever changes.

The only thing you can really do is capitulate and keep the peace as far as possible until you’ve had enough.

TatianaLarina · 05/08/2018 09:16

Otherwise you’d be going at it hammer and tongs all day every day.

Bluelady · 05/08/2018 09:18

He's done a complete number on you. Can you not see your refusal to acknowledge that he's abusive and your continual attempts to excuse him by blaming yourself are typical of a coercive control victim and because he's completely brain washed you?

I feel very,very sorry for you and I'm not going to add to your pain any further but if literally hundreds of women can see what's happening to you, do give them some serious consideration.

Original poster
dellacucina · 05/08/2018 09:20

Tatiana: that sounds right. I can think back to many times when I have been just shocked by the absolute selfish cheek of his behaviour - and he always ends up getting his way because once he decides he wants something there is no stopping it. He just pushes and pushes (and continues carrying out whatever plan he has in mind) until I have no choice but to concede.

OP posts:
Tinkobell · 05/08/2018 09:21

Have a crack at counselling. If he refuses to attend, then at least it's registered in his thick skull that you are truly unhappy and you believe that you cant necessarily sort it out between you. Maybe what you have to do is propose to him the actual material changes that you want; for example a fair say on major expenditures or a restructuring of your bank accounts etc. Perhaps once the material change happens, who knows, maybe his attitude might shift a bit in the right direction. I just don't think given the proud nature and ego of this chap you're going to be able to get a seismic shift in his old fashioned world view.

Lethaldrizzle · 05/08/2018 09:23

I'd just go ahead and change nurseries assuming you have access to your own salary. You've earned the money

Zadig · 05/08/2018 09:33

della - I just wanted to say (again)! that I’m sure this must be hard to read. Please remember that this is the internet and people are making judgements from typed text which is obviously more one-dimensional than real life. Plus when you post, you post about a specific problem. It’s impossible to communicate the full picture of your entire relationship and the overall context. Also, people will inevitably project their own issues on an anonymous forum - and I include myself in this!

I don’t agree that your DH is “old fashioned” at all really. If he was, he would have a much stronger sense of pride in wanting to financially provide for his family, rather than guilt-tripping you about it all the time. I think he sounds uptight and insecure.

This is not to make excuses for him. I can’t suggest you should leave him, or not leave him - I don’t know either of you. Maybe you can’t change him, but you can make some space for yourself with counselling and work out what you are and are not prepared to put up with going forward.

Original poster
dellacucina · 05/08/2018 11:36

Zadig: I don't think he is truly old fashioned either.

Mostly, he is bull headed and wants his own way all the time, plus he has a weird money addiction which controls a lot of his behaviour (and which is an overriding value - spending more money is always an evil that is best avoided). He will use whatever means necessary to manipulate situations to achieve the outcome he desires. This is basically what I am contending with.

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 05/08/2018 11:55

Mostly, he is bull headed and wants his own way all the time, plus he has a weird money addiction which controls a lot of his behaviour

Have you told him this OP?

Loopytiles · 05/08/2018 11:59

Xenia, by savings I don’t mean huge lump sums, it doesn’t sound like OP could amass that, but more money to pay for things like legal advice, deposit on a rental (if OP had to move out). That OP can spend when it comes to the early parts of the breakup, before the financial declarations for a divorce.

You don’t have to put up with it. You have choices.

One additional option would be to go “grey rock” for a while, observe his behaviour, have individual counselling, read Lundy Bancroft, get your ducks in a row with your right to remain and legal position on both that and DD.

banivani · 05/08/2018 13:01

Yes, I agree, read the Lundy Bancroft book (I linked to a free pdf version of it upthread although i know you can afford it ;) ) and make up you own mind about abusive behaviour. I don’t live in an abusive relationship but it was eye opening to me nonetheless.

Squidgee · 05/08/2018 13:33

Who said anything about building a nest egg she needs to declare in the divorce?

I was thinking more of filtering her money into a savings account to be used for her own home, moving costs, legal fees etc.

Having to declare it on divorce is neither here nor there, by then she'll hopefully have left his abusive arse.

Original poster
dellacucina · 05/08/2018 13:38

Tatiana: I have told him this. He gets it (and even agrees) on a high level, I think, and can see it retrospectively. But when we are in the moment, he only sees his own skewed perspective.

OP posts: