Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my husband never to bring up how much money I make ever again?

610 replies

dellacucina · 02/08/2018 10:19

Between us, my husband and I earn a very good living. I make about £60k before tax and I have a very flexible job. He makes over £100k.

My husband seems to believe that I have a duty to make as much money as possible and he loves to throw this in my face when it suits him - he basically suggests he has more say over our family financial decisions than I do because he makes more.

This morning we had a terrible row about childcare. We currently only do a 4 day nursery week and the nursery is very annoying to get to, plus this creates stress because I work a 5 day week and we fill the gap with help from his elderly mother (who tires easily and probably allows us to take advantage of her a bit) and an au pair (though we don't currently have one). I would prefer to move to a closer nursery for 5 days a week. This would cost about £400 more net per month. This would basically have no bearing on our quality of life.

I have forbidden him from bringing up my salary, which he considers to be absolutely paltry. But he again brought this up today - not in the context of 'well, we need to consider our finances in the round', but 'if you're going to demand such unreasonable childcare arrangements, then YOU need to make more money!'

Am I being unreasonable about childcare?

Is it unreasonable to expect to be treated as an equal partner even though I make less money? Even with our extra help, I am the main caregiver for our DD (whom i adore - so I don't want a higher paid stressful job), so i offer noneconomic value to the relationship.

Btw I am completely aware that we are very fortunate and I would never say otherwise! I just find it frustrating to live with someone who seems to believe we are in the poorhouse and can't spend some extra money to improve our lives

OP posts:
Shambu · 03/08/2018 23:24

Why don't you have a car?

Original poster
dellacucina · 03/08/2018 23:29

Quartz: I think we may actually share a lift!

Our salary goes to savings. We also have to visit my family once a year but that is usually not too expensive.

OP posts:
Original poster
dellacucina · 03/08/2018 23:32

Shambu: we don't need or want a car right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
dellacucina · 03/08/2018 23:38

Ineedtostopbeingsolazy: it is annoying. It's really lovely that your partner is supportive - but also pretty impressive that you run your own business!

OP posts:
Original poster
dellacucina · 03/08/2018 23:40

Quartz: that's also kind of the point. We live way below our means, so doing something to improve our QOL would not seem to be a problem.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 03/08/2018 23:40

Are they irritating lifts where you no longer control which one you go in as you tell it which floor you have to go and you can’t pick a floor or have you not come to our building yet (and if it’s the latter it’s annoying)

Or if you are the ones leaving the building sorry!

Original poster
dellacucina · 03/08/2018 23:43

Quartz: wait a minute do you work for my organisation???

We are leaving the building.

OP posts:
Original poster
dellacucina · 03/08/2018 23:47

(but probably not the same place, who knows, sorry for being a creeper!)

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 04/08/2018 00:04

Leaving to come to the other building or leaving the building

It’s getting v cryptic!

Original poster
dellacucina · 04/08/2018 00:10

Leaving the building with normal lifts, going to a building with abnormal ones...

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 04/08/2018 00:51

Then yes potentially you do particularly if you are the media side (I’m the publishing side)

mathanxiety · 04/08/2018 01:36

He is not a total monster every moment by any means.

No abuser is.

They are lazy and it takes too much energy to wipe someone else out 24/7. Plus it is more fun seeing hope dashed after they have loosened your leash a bit.

Please consider getting the Lundy Bancroft book mentioned upthread.

Shambu · 04/08/2018 07:25

we don't need or want a car right now

You say that but a 15 mins pick up would take 5 mins in a car.

Is this another one of your husband's frugalities? Is that him talking or do you genuinely not want one?

If DD ever choked on an olive stone you'd be dependent on ambulance (subject to availability and delay), local cab - could be 20 mins, or Uber - not that reliable ime.

How do you go on a picnic with no car? Or out of London? Both working FT you don't really have the time to waste on the extra time it takes to get everywhere on public transport.

Original poster
dellacucina · 04/08/2018 08:09

Honestly, the roads between here and the nursery are such that it would probably take longer than walking. We don't really go away at the weekend very often you'll be shocked to learn! It's fine for now.

DH is off for a day with his friends. His last comment to me was to complain about the cost of a bunch of bananas from the local organic shop as he took it away with him Hmm the extent of his parsimony is actually almost funny

OP posts:
AvocadosBeforeMortgages · 04/08/2018 08:13

@Shambu plenty of people in London choose not to have a car because public transport is so good and roads are so slow in comparison. It may come as a surprise to you that London has many, many parks suitable for picnics, and the trains are excellent ways to get in and out of London.

In many of the inner boroughs only a third of households actually have a car - and it's not because only a third of people have the money for a car. I only have a car because it's a company car and I never drive it anywhere for personal reasons because public transport is quicker, cheaper and more pleasant.

There are many aspects of this relationship that need questioning, but car ownership isn't one of them.

Shambu · 04/08/2018 08:21

As long as it's your genuine choice not to have a car and it's not being imposed on you as one of your husband's parsimonies - it's all good.

Shambu · 04/08/2018 08:39

@avocadosbeforemortgages

Thanks for mainsplaining London to a born and bred Londoner.

Public transport isn't that good, that's the point. London is so large that there are whole areas not that near a tube/train station. Many journeys are quicker by car as the convoluted route and changes required by the tube/bus take significantly longer.

As to parks - Richmond Park, Wimbledon Common are nowhere near tube/train stations. Kenwood House is a big hike from the tube station etc etc.

Trains can get you in and out of London but only to stations, not necessarily precisely where you want to go.

Breakfastofmilk · 04/08/2018 08:56

Kenwood House is a big hike from the tube station etc etc.

If you consider 1.2 miles a big hike then I see why you feel the OP needs a car...

Breakfastofmilk · 04/08/2018 09:02

And that's Kenwood House itself. The heath is literally directly beside/across the road from Hampstead Heath and Gospel Oak overground stations and about half a mile from Hampstead and Highgate tubes.

Hyde Park is right across the road from multiple tube stations, as is Regents Park, Clapham Common is right next to the tube...

There are plenty of reasons a car can be handy but access to London parks is really not a problem.

Shambu · 04/08/2018 09:22

Which is why I said Kenwood House itself - it's a place I like to go but it's quite a long walk from the tube.

1.2 miles isn't a long way for a toddler and with a picnic basket, really?

I didn't say there aren't parks near tubes - but the central London parks are packed full of people in summer. Clapham Common is surrounded by a ring road.

Bluelady · 04/08/2018 09:56

Isn't a car a liability in London itself? None of my friends who live in central London have one, they hire one if they go away for the weekend.

TatianaLarina · 04/08/2018 10:07

I couldn’t survive without a car in London.

It’s fine if you don’t have kids, if you can afford cabs if you’re female, or you don’t mind waiting for transport (I can’t stand it myself).

A friend of mine doesn’t have a car but she takes ages to get anywhere.

Zadig · 04/08/2018 10:12

I don’t think it makes any difference whatsoever whether you’re from a British, public school, American, only child or any type of background whatsoever - an uptight person is an uptight person. They exist in all walks of life, irrespective of circumstances.

OP, it sounds as if your DH is uptight in general, but this manifests mainly over the money issues. I think you said something earlier in the thread (I can’t find it now), that he / you only agreed to having a baby in the grounds it didn’t mess up your lifestyle and routines? What does that mean?

If he’s very uptight he will of course struggle with the unprecedented impact a child makes. You can’t put children into a box. I’m sure he loves your DD very much, but maybe he’s struggling with the fact that your role and entire outlook on life has changed. He doesn’t understand this maybe? When you were a couple it was fine for it all to be about salaries and work progression, etc. You were in the same page. Now the baby means something (or someone) has to shift, but his priorities are too fixed to adapt and to comprehend the change?

Does he want more children and what does he think is going to happen in that scenario?

Mishappening · 04/08/2018 10:18

I think that I would not want to be married to this man. He sounds a very unpleasant person, and clearly has no concept of marriage as a team.

I assume there are other problems in the relationship for him to even dream of speaking to you in this way.

Tinkobell · 04/08/2018 10:28

@della. Do you have any kind of thoughts or plans at all? Maybe you're just going to let the dust settle post row. An earlier poster made a point about ingrained attitude. If it were me, I'd really want to explore if that is indeed the case.

Swipe left for the next trending thread