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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to be seen as more than just good looking?

198 replies

HumpbertEngeldinck · 01/08/2018 15:42

Typical conversation with my friends: Sarah is really smart, Kate is a great mum, Nina is an extraordinary cook, Emma is absolutely hilarious and Humpbert is gorgeous!

This happens a lot amongst different groups of friends and although it's one of the nicer problems to have, I sometimes feel a bit glum about it.

I'd prefer to be seen by friends as someone who is smart or funny rather than just someone who was lucky enough to have been born with above average levels of beauty. It's not like it's something that I really have much control over, it's just luck of the draw! Plus it's something that over time will fade and is irrelevant in any case.

OP posts:

Unambitiousme · 02/08/2018 09:00

Cool, that may be the case, but that doesn’t justify the relish at which grown women on MN seem to want to bring her down.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 02/08/2018 09:01

@Timefortea99 that's really awful!

coolncalm · 02/08/2018 09:02

A lot of women are bitchy, i don't understand anyone being surprised at this.

Plughole3 · 02/08/2018 09:07

I worked in fashion, an environment consisting of 95% women who are obsessed with clothes & apart from a teeny % it just wasn’t bitchy at all.

Plughole3 · 02/08/2018 09:10

And without sounding big headed myself the fact that I am attractive & wear nice clothes seems to make it easier to make friends in life, perhaps that’s just me.

ballseditupagain · 02/08/2018 09:17

I used to be like you. Except I was clever too. Then I got fat. Now I'm the fat old woman with loads of kids.

Honestly you are being ridiculous. No one is one dimensional. I expect your funny friend would like to be seen as more than funny.

Changednamesorry · 02/08/2018 10:22

I'm really shocked at the nastiness the OP has received here. Bitter, jealous, spiteful responses designed to "take her down a peg or two".

Ignore all that rubbish OP. I don't have a solution for you because if you tell.them how you feel you might end up with the vitriol you have been subjected to here but in person. But I guess the only thing I can suggest is to just try not to let it upset you. Sorry if that is not much help.

RoseWhiteTips · 02/08/2018 10:28

Jammy Dodgers time. Oh - and epic fail.😂

RoseWhiteTips · 02/08/2018 10:28

thecatsthecats · 02/08/2018 10:37

I have to repeat in support of the OP - I absolutely have a group of friends who behave like this. Talk in terms of 'this type', 'that type'.

One of the friends crosses over into a different friendship group and it's like she's a different person in that group, and I never have to hear that crap. (But then she does identify the four of us in that group as the 'career' group, and was desperate for me to buy a house before the first person in the 'married mum' group on the other side).

As I said before, this behaviour does not come from a happy place, and plainly makes others unhappy too.

Holidayshopping · 02/08/2018 10:44

Your friends sound a bit shit talking about people like that tbh. Describing Kate as a good mum? Does that mean all the others are crap mums?!

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 02/08/2018 10:49

Ignore the haters. Theyre just .I empathise with you. Being a stunning modelle is not all its cracked up to be, Is it.
In fact I'm so gawjess even I'm of me.

User12879923378 · 02/08/2018 11:00

Oh, I was only being flippant. It's crap to be pigeonholed, OP, but as pigeonholing goes you're not doing too badly. It's probably better to be pigeonholed as "beautiful" than "annoying" or "unattractive", and at least if you're pretty other people's cognitive bias tends to work for you rather than against you.

ZaZathecat · 02/08/2018 11:12

The problem lies with the 2 friends who have time label everyone. Ignore them. BTW I would hate to be the one labelled 'good mum', that I stage least I expect to be, having a child.

ZaZathecat · 02/08/2018 11:16

Auto correct fails! *that is the least I would expect to be

GinUnicorn · 02/08/2018 11:55

I’d be more offended by this one dimensional description. Everyone is more than one thing and I’d suggest bringing it up to the friend who keeps saying it. You can’t be the only one annoyed.

rightknockered · 02/08/2018 15:06

I get regular hate and have realised that I let a lot of it slide. I put up with it for the sake of keeping friendship groups going, and because I can't handle the rejection. But ultimately that shit spreads. One woman in particular, a colleague, will twist everything I say into something nasty, lay all blame at my feet, makes comments about my body/clothes/hair and has started an opinion that I have had cosmetic surgery. And people join in with it. It's absolutely awful.
It is seen as acceptable to judge and attack attractive women.
The hatred on here is nothing compared to what actually happens irl
Plus the supportive posters on here don't exist in my world. It's very lonely

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 02/08/2018 15:39

Jesus. What a load of nasty responses.

OP I feel for you. At school I used to be quite good looking (I am happy to be able to say my looks fell off a cliff after becoming a Mum) and the vitriol I got from other girls was really hurtful. There was a gleeful willingness to take you down a peg and you could never complain about it because it would be seen as fake big-headedness.

Not just from other women but also from men. This one guy who stayed over one night (as a friend) actually told me that he was happy that I wasn’t as good looking as he’d expected in the morning!!

I mean, I hadn’t asked for a compliment so why give me an insult?!

Another man said that men chose me as a trophy. Made me feel like shit.

I was almost glad when motherhood and age made me invisible. There’s a resentment towards good looking women.

Just like you I didn’t see it as a compliment because it’s nothing you’ve worked at and it fades anyway. It’s like having to be grateful for a gift you didn’t ask for in the first place.

My answer has always been feminism because feminism sees the bullshit behind the labels we give women. It sees the divide and conquer forces at play and the tall poppy syndrome that happens amongst women.

I’m sure you have lots more going for you than your looks. Hone in on one of them, develop your skills in that area and be honest with your friends about how it makes you feel.

Ennirem · 02/08/2018 15:59

Think of Amal CLooney; now she really is flipping stunning BUT no-one can dismiss her as just being that. What about you is particularly special other than your looks?

Also it's worth bearing in mind, that people who get described as funny, intelligent etc are usually getting told that as a sort of 'consolation prize' for not being beautiful. Society's priorities are arse about face, and the reason people focus on your beauty in spite of your other qualities is because it is seem as the most important thing. It doesn't mean you don't have those other qualities, and it doesn't stop you exercising them and becoming known for your achievements in other areas. Want people to call you clever? Do something clever. Want people to call you kind? Do something kind.

wowsertrousers · 02/08/2018 16:02

Such bitter jealousy! The OP has acknowledged it's not the world's worst problem to have; she's also not proclaiming to be the next big supermodel - she's just stating that she's always described in terms of her appearance rather than her personality and isn't massively happy about it. Where's the crime in that?? if you ask me, her comments on this thread show that there clearly is more to her than just how she looks. If you read properly without rushing to judge and mock her, she's making a comment on the over-importance that many people bestow on beauty, which she acknowledges is transient and not the be all and end all in any case. She is not, as many seem to have suggested, banging on about how fit she thinks she is. She doesn't sound particularly fussed about that at all - just wants people to occasionally describe her as something other than just a pretty face. I really don't understand why all the biscuits?

Gah81 · 02/08/2018 16:19

I was going to come on here and defend women/the sisterhood and their reaction to perceived good looks in other women as I have tons of gorgeous women in my friendship group and we all get along fine but then:

read a few more of the responses and experiences on here
remembered some comments in my recent past from a couple of women in my industry on seperate occasions that said I had it easy "because of my looks" and that men were only agreeing with my point of view in our Board meeting because I was "pretty" (these individuals are known to be nasty but it rankles).
recalled various instances in my youth when I would be happily coupled up but happen to be chatting to a man and a woman would come up and apropos of nothing tell me the man in question would have a gf.

I feel I should say I am not particularly attractive (my acne scarring is pretty awful) but I am a red-headed hourglass which plays into all kinds of stereotypes.

So it's really sad but I can just imagine the vitriol some of the attractive people on here receive IRL :(

coolncalm · 02/08/2018 20:20

There's no such thing as "the sisterhood", i wish people wouldn't use the daft word. Women are very often bitchy to other women, always have been. Nasty women aren't deserving of any kind of "sisterhood". It certainly wouldn't be a two way thing.

derxa · 03/08/2018 14:17

I met one of DH's colleagues at a do recently. She's young and recently married to a handsome man with a good career and she's very funny. But I couldn't take my eyes off her she was so good looking. In 30 years time she will still be stunning. She has a lot of advantages in life and being good looking is a major one. That's the way it is. Of course there's a difference between being beautiful and attractive.
About 10 years ago I lost 6 stone. The way people treated me was astonishing. Men were drawn to me and women said I was too thin.
I'm fat again now though. OP may be as plain as a pikestaff but she's started an interesting thread. The labels for the friends are a bit

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