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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to be seen as more than just good looking?

198 replies

HumpbertEngeldinck · 01/08/2018 15:42

Typical conversation with my friends: Sarah is really smart, Kate is a great mum, Nina is an extraordinary cook, Emma is absolutely hilarious and Humpbert is gorgeous!

This happens a lot amongst different groups of friends and although it's one of the nicer problems to have, I sometimes feel a bit glum about it.

I'd prefer to be seen by friends as someone who is smart or funny rather than just someone who was lucky enough to have been born with above average levels of beauty. It's not like it's something that I really have much control over, it's just luck of the draw! Plus it's something that over time will fade and is irrelevant in any case.

OP posts:
WatermelonGlitter · 01/08/2018 21:01

I'm pug ugly (though that may actually be unfair to any pugs who may be reading.) Can we swop? I'd happily relieve you of this horrific burden, since in addition to being mirror crackingly grim I'm also utterly selfless.

TheMonkeyMummy · 01/08/2018 21:15

@Ethylred no one knows she is beautiful. She just says she is gorgeous. There is a difference...

Lynne1Cat · 01/08/2018 21:18

You're blessed with above average level of beauty?! You're probably boring, unfunny and full of yourself. Work on developing a personality luv

ThisIsNotMyRealName1 · 01/08/2018 21:19

Wow, tough crowd here tonight, OP. One of my dearest friends is "beautiful", even now at 52, and it's made her life tough. Most women hate her on sight, men are in awe of and scared of her. She's smart/intelligent, funny, loyal, a great friend, confident (a crumbly facade sometimes), has a body built to make a rag look great, she's good at just about every thing she does - gads, no wonder people hate her!

She's always been aware of how she looks, that it opened some doors for her and slammed others shut in her lovely face. I have to say though, we don't sit around and say how beautiful she is.

SemperIdem · 01/08/2018 21:28

op it was me who suggested you nee to work on your personality.

The implication being that I actually have one despite being a looker.

Perhaps I should be much more grateful to my parents for praising life long characteristics like being funny/clever/loving/kind.

SemperIdem · 01/08/2018 21:31

My face/body is the last thing I count as a “plus point”...it just isn’t important.

I feel sad for you that you think otherwise

coolncalm · 01/08/2018 21:36

Most women hate her on sight
So much for women supporting each other.

bananamonkey · 01/08/2018 21:36

Dude, first world problems. Be grateful you are genetically lucky, it makes life so much easier. These women want to be friends with you so they must see your other qualities, friendships aren’t based on looks.

PositiveProton · 01/08/2018 21:40

Pics or it didn’t happen.

Plughole3 · 01/08/2018 21:42

Most women hate her on sight

I just don’t believe women hate other women because of how they look, perhaps I’m naive. Plenty of beautiful female celebs have loads of girlfriends.

dangerrabbit · 01/08/2018 21:47

This book is worth reading about selfie culture and how it is affecting people. Good link from the New Yorker here too:
mobile.twitter.com/NewYorker/status/991035216826281984

to want to be seen as more than just good looking?
NonaGrey · 01/08/2018 22:12

Most women hate her on sight,

That’s a bit upsetting. How poor must your self esteem be to hate another person just because of how they look.

GrayDays · 01/08/2018 22:13

I don’t think you can word what you posted well because it just comes agrees as vain.
But it’s the same as: so your bf was cheating on you, it’s ok your beautiful so your easily find some one new or
You bf won’t cheat who would have him- eh well I’m with him?...
OR the one I get ( and my dad) all the time, your too thin - really? I didn’t notice, but what I did notice is your dp doesn’t seem to mine! Lol

ThisIsNotMyRealName1 · 01/08/2018 23:39

Most women hate her on sight - tragic, I know, but sadly true. She would walk into a room and girls/women would literally clutch their men...

NonaGrey · 02/08/2018 01:49

She would walk into a room and girls/women would literally clutch their men...

I do think that’s a bit odd. I know several very good looking women and have never witnessed a similar reaction (or had them mention it).

Very strange.

liverbird10 · 02/08/2018 02:59

Totally agree, OP. It's not easy being so mindmeltingly beautiful.GrinBiscuit

luckycat007 · 02/08/2018 03:58

I tend to find the societal status quo youth-beauty are hand in hand rather odd. I find tend to find women who are 40 plus more physically attractive.

ThisIsNotMyRealName1 · 02/08/2018 04:45

NonaGrey strange indeed but she was/is still seriously attractive. She was oblivious to it, most of the time, but it happened a lot - they would move just a touch closer, a proprietary hand landing oh so casually on their guy's forearm...

Timefortea99 · 02/08/2018 06:31

Moving a touch closer and a proprietary hand is not about them warning her off, it is a physical reminder to “their”men that they are with them.

A lot of women do have a problem with other women’s looks, despite everything else it seems to be the most important thing in some women’s lives. That is why the ageing process can be hard. I don’t believe you are done at 40 but it is harder to get your act together, IYSWIM. It takes more effort.

I recently lost weight (don’t bother with the biscuit, I don’t have them in the house....) and there has been a marked deterioration in my relationships with quite a lot of female contacts. There’s a resentment there. I am a middle aged woman and it is depressing that this shit continues.

slapbitchface · 02/08/2018 06:33

All these bollocks replies about how you are invisible over 40. I am 45 and still look as good as I did at 30 with a bit of help from the old Botox. You don't turn into an ugly hag the day you turn 40 if you make an effort.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 02/08/2018 06:40

Mean replies on here.

As you say OP there must be more to you than a pretty face because that alone wouldn’t sustain a friendship. Maybe you can focus on your friends’ less obvious strengths and move the group away from this one dimensional labelling. I don’t entirely know what my friends think of me because I don’t think they analyse it and certainly don’t discuss it in my presence.

Unambitiousme · 02/08/2018 06:58

What bitchy comments from many posters, deliberately done so to make her feel negatively about herself. It’s been like being in a school playground.

LotsToThinkOf · 02/08/2018 08:05

People comment on what they notice first, if people are commenting on your appearance it's because you must be conveying that as your most important feature. If you don't like it then you need to engineer conversations where people actually get to know you.

For instance, I'm a teacher. I'm already referred to as 'the teacher' and I hate it: so
I engineer conversations about other things and things I'm passionate about, sometimes it's about things I've organised or books I'm reading. Tell someone something about yourself enough and that's what they'll associate with you.

Maybe you don't engage in conversation enough with them, change their focus.

coolncalm · 02/08/2018 08:42

It's the ops friends that sound like playground kids. Grown women giving each other labels like that, just awful.

pangolina · 02/08/2018 08:59

Some of the responses on here! God forbid anyone should be attractive and aware of it.
The bitterness is literally pouring out. I'd suggest that those of you who are so pained by someone acknowledging their own attractiveness work on your self esteem.

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