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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to be seen as more than just good looking?

198 replies

HumpbertEngeldinck · 01/08/2018 15:42

Typical conversation with my friends: Sarah is really smart, Kate is a great mum, Nina is an extraordinary cook, Emma is absolutely hilarious and Humpbert is gorgeous!

This happens a lot amongst different groups of friends and although it's one of the nicer problems to have, I sometimes feel a bit glum about it.

I'd prefer to be seen by friends as someone who is smart or funny rather than just someone who was lucky enough to have been born with above average levels of beauty. It's not like it's something that I really have much control over, it's just luck of the draw! Plus it's something that over time will fade and is irrelevant in any case.

OP posts:
LoveInTokyo · 01/08/2018 17:11

It gets people’s backs up because we all know genuinely beautiful people who don’t feel the need to go round talking about it, and in general people like the OP who go all “woe is me, being beautiful is SUCH a curse!” are invariably much less good-looking than they think they are anyway.

Exhibit A: Samantha Brick.

TheMonkeyMummy · 01/08/2018 17:18

I tend to use the word gorgeous to describe a good character or a delicious taste. Not physical appearance.

And I have never had this conversation with my friends, beyond working out which sitc characters we were, when it first came out.

Have some more biscuits OP, then you can sit and squash anyone who labels you. BiscuitBiscuitBiscuit

Original poster
HumpbertEngeldinck · 01/08/2018 17:44

Oh dear. Don't worry; after forty you will be just ... nothing

Yes, thank you, that was actually the whole point of the thread. Well done for understanding that you clever clogs!

Can't believe that nobody can seem to comprehend that it might actually be annoying to always (in so far as the people that I am thinking of choose to describe me, I'm not saying it happens on a daily basis) be described by my appearance.

Realistically people can either see that I'm good looking or not with their own eyes. She might as well introduce me as having brown hair.

I'm sure Kate and co often get other descriptors but I always seem to get the same one.

I've also messaged one of these women that I'm thinking of when I've been feeling a bit down or whatever and she usually just goes "oh hump, you're gorgeous". Oh well there go all my problems then! And I've mentioned that being described as gorgeous is a rubbish way to describe someone for the aforementioned reasons. It doesn't last, it doesn't matter, it's shallow and it's something I don't have any control over and it gets shrugged off because she thinks being gorgeous is the bees knees.

Just curious, how does it actually feel to just tear someone down like most of you are doing? Does it make you feel good or something? Why do you feel the need to do that?

Feeling even shitter about my (gorgeous) self now that I've been informed that in ten years I'll be ugly, I obviously have no other decent personality traits, I'm neither clever nor funny and that all my friends are terrible people and that you have much better ones than me. Cheers mumsnet. It was originally intended quite lightheartedly but I see now most of you are just spiteful women.

OP posts:
YeTalkShiteHen · 01/08/2018 17:49

Fucking hell OP what a flaming you’ve had!

It must be shit to be defined by your looks, and quite demoralising too. I say that as a bang average frumpy before my time type Grin

What I took from your OP is that you don’t want to be defined by the way you look, and find it hurtful. Have you told your friends you feel this way? Maybe they don’t realise that they’re making you feel kind of sidelined?

MarthaArthur · 01/08/2018 17:54

Op I am sure other people think more of you than your looks. And if your looks fade (which they might not. I know loads of beautiful elderly women who look after themselves and are beautiful) then if theg do fade people will take an interest in your personality more. The same way Angelina Jolie is beautiful and people also talk about her embassador work. Although Audrey Hepburn is forgotten about as an embassador. Still there are worse things in life. No one describes me as anything other than annoying 😂

Sparklesocks · 01/08/2018 17:56

"I can't help it if I'm really, really, really, ridiculously goodlooking."

Jokes aside, it’s true beauty is only skin deep. Looks fade and if that’s all you have then the second half of your life will be dull! Be kind, be a good friend, a good Mum, enjoy your life and don’t live by other people’s expectations. As long as you know you are more than your face, everyone else is irrelevant.

to want to be seen as more than just good looking?
Happygoldfinch · 01/08/2018 17:58

Read some books. Read some broadsheet newspapers.Talk about them intelligently. Job done.

RonniePickering · 01/08/2018 17:58

Apologies if you think I've been spiteful, it wasn't my intent.

As per my advice before though, either get new friends, tell them to stop saying it, or get ugly.

According to some on here it's as soon as you hit 40 Shock

safetyfreak · 01/08/2018 18:00

Samantha Brick, is that you dear?

TheMonkeyMummy · 01/08/2018 18:03

I have always been told I am pretty. I don't wear make up and I am not massively into clothes. It genuinely doesn't concern me and equally if my friends have made an effort, I say 'you look lovely!'. End of conversation.

My kids, what I am going to feed everyone, politics, the environment, the welfare of the people around me... that os what concerns me.

You are buying into it, and that's why you are being flamed.

You want to be more than your looks?

Well, go on then. Do something about it. Don't sit here whining like a princess.

Plughole3 · 01/08/2018 18:05

I disagree with the whole “don’t worry once your 40” etc that is generally only relevant if your attractive. Beautiful people are beautiful regardless of youth & bone structure looks good no matter what age.

FlopsyRabbit89 · 01/08/2018 18:07

I'd take being described as 'gorgeous' any day
By just calling you gorgeous, your friends aren't saying you're not funny or clever or friendly or anything else. They obviously just appreciate your beauty. If they didn't think you had other positive traits, you wouldn't have friends!
Also to me, when I hear someone being called 'gorgeous', it makes me think that as a whole both inside and out, you're beautiful. I wouldn't just take it as something skin-deep

Original poster
HumpbertEngeldinck · 01/08/2018 18:08

Monkey, I don't want to be more than my looks. I am. As I've said I've got a good job (requiring a university education but cautious of mentioning that as every time I've said something I've got "oh so now you're gorgeous AND you've got a good job?!"). I would like these things or perhaps my positive personality traits to be recognised rather than the fact that I'm apparently good looking.

OP posts:
Plughole3 · 01/08/2018 18:11

OP I am confused though as to how so many people comment particularly at baby groups etc. Like I said I’m still friends with some girls I modelled with & random people just don’t really comment.

GreenMeerkat · 01/08/2018 18:12

Wow. The vitriol on this thread.....

I think some of the replies on this thread demonstrate perfectly, OP's point. That she has no need to complain because she is attractive. I would definitely find it frustrating if people saw my best quality as my looks and couldn't see beyond that (I'm not that attractive so would never happen ha!).

To be fair to your friends though, I don't think they mean that you're NOT any of the things they describe the others, just that you being attractive is the feature that stands out the most, which it probably does.

ScrumpyCrack · 01/08/2018 18:13

Hmmm if this thread is anything to go by you’re a bit of a whiny drama queen, so maybe your friends are doing you a favour by overlooking your personality and focusing on your looks?

I can’t imagine how many times the scenario would come up where you hear multiples friends describe you. Surely not enough for you to take issue with it?

JustDanceAddict · 01/08/2018 18:18

I don’t really think about my friends’ looks as to me they’re just my friends. I suppose I have had some more attractive friends in my lifetime but I can only think of a one or two who’d I’d describe as really good looking. Sometimes people comment saying my friend X is very attractive and I just can’t see it because I’ve known her for 30 years! She just is who she is!
But then I don’t focus on looks as I don’t posssess them myself and yes, I would’ve loved to have been better looking but I think I’ve got a great personality and people seem to like me - I def compensate for being not good looking so you could do the same and make your personality shine through (I don’t want to be seen for my ugliness, you don’t want to be seen for your beauty).
And yes, post-40ish it tends to fade - I prefer it now as everyone is a bit saggy, wrinkly etc.

Vitalogy · 01/08/2018 18:19

We all have our crosses to bear.

TheMonkeyMummy · 01/08/2018 18:19

@HumpbertEngeldinck well, I repeat, the only one giving this headspace is you. Crack on with your life and care not one jot. Or spend the rest of day whining about how other people perceive you

ClarkWGriswold · 01/08/2018 18:21

Best start working on your personality then love.

Original poster
HumpbertEngeldinck · 01/08/2018 18:24

Well I'm done with this thread. Next time I want a good verbal kicking I'll know where to go though. Thanks ladies!

And plughole. It's really just the same couple of people that do it repeatedly. It's not 100s of people on a daily basis.

OP posts:
Original poster
HumpbertEngeldinck · 01/08/2018 18:25

@ClarkWGriswold pot, kettle...?

OP posts:
Itsnotmesothere · 01/08/2018 18:25

Haha. I'm sure this does trouble you greatly but you ought to try walking around round looking and feeling like a sack of shit most of the time. Pretty sure i wouldn't be described as gorgeous when I go to the local toddler group but it would do wonders for my confidence. People label people, that's a fact, be glad yours is positive albeit superficial

Plughole3 · 01/08/2018 18:25

And have you told them it offends you?

Itsnotmesothere · 01/08/2018 18:26

Oops sorry OP. Just seen you are done with this thread