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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to be seen as more than just good looking?

198 replies

HumpbertEngeldinck · 01/08/2018 15:42

Typical conversation with my friends: Sarah is really smart, Kate is a great mum, Nina is an extraordinary cook, Emma is absolutely hilarious and Humpbert is gorgeous!

This happens a lot amongst different groups of friends and although it's one of the nicer problems to have, I sometimes feel a bit glum about it.

I'd prefer to be seen by friends as someone who is smart or funny rather than just someone who was lucky enough to have been born with above average levels of beauty. It's not like it's something that I really have much control over, it's just luck of the draw! Plus it's something that over time will fade and is irrelevant in any case.

OP posts:
TopShagger · 01/08/2018 16:00

Chill OP, I'm way better looking than you and I can cope, you'll be fine.

/thread.

chipsandgin · 01/08/2018 16:00

Maybe work on having other qualities - be kind, fun, develop skills and an awesome personality or an interesting career then that'll be what people notice.

Beauty doesn't trump other stuff, I've got some stunning friends no-one I know would use their looks primarily to describe them as it is self evident and not actually very important (unless the person doing the describing is instashallow or you are uninteresting & it is the only thing people can think of to say about you).

slovenlys · 01/08/2018 16:02

I too, am gorgeous. But also super witty and smart.

I'm a triple threat.

Honestly I really am gorgeous. I'd give you my instagram handle BUT I don't want to out myself

Skyejuly · 01/08/2018 16:04

Well it's a totally linear patriarchal style of thinking. So shift from that and people's opinions won't matter :-)

omgimhavingababy · 01/08/2018 16:06

I think you are all being too harsh...there are genuine disadvantages of being goodlooking etc...I am sure the OP has lots of other wonderful things going for her but people, including her friends, keep harping in about her looks. I think that's hard sometimes...so give her a break!!

ChardonnaysPrettySister · 01/08/2018 16:07

Don't worry, it won't last.

RonniePickering · 01/08/2018 16:10

It's ridiculous though... I'm good looking but so what anyway? Both the OP and I could look like Quasimodo for all anyone knows.

OP, get better friends who don't use descriptors for each other, sounds ridiculous if it's happening often enough to bother you.

LeighaJ · 01/08/2018 16:11

I understand someone wanting to be known for more than good looks.

My sister was the pretty one and I was the smart one. Thing is despite my utter loathing for my evil sister she is actually smart as well, I'm just smarter, but her IQ is above average.

She didn't take good care of herself though so now she's not that pretty and she lacks confidence in her intelligence.

JaneJeffer · 01/08/2018 16:11

You must have something else about you. Nobody is friends with someone because they're good looking so your friends obviously see other qualities in you. Ask them to list three things they like about you.

Original poster
HumpbertEngeldinck · 01/08/2018 16:13

lois this is the point that I'm making. Looks are so skin deep and (extremely) likely to fade. Will I just be remembered as someone who was good looking once?

I do have other qualities. I'm fiercely loyal, I'm a woman's woman - I try to build up other women, I'm reliable, I'm honest (and to be honest I am reasonably funny and intelligent!). It annoys me that people are so much more likely to focus on how I look rather than who I am as a person.

I don't personally think I am that good looking! I'm not blind though and I do get a lot of comments about my looks from both men and women so it's simply the truth that I'm fairly good looking. Like I've said, above average.

I'm also not sure that if I was simply good looking and had no decent personality traits that I'd have the friends to have these conversations with!

OP posts:
Autumnintheair0 · 01/08/2018 16:14

Ah you’ve made me laugh op.
Just think though, if you have zero talents in anyother areas, at least you aren’t ugly aswell As dull!

If I was you I’d also count my lucky stars I had some friends that were willing to socialise with me.

Original poster
HumpbertEngeldinck · 01/08/2018 16:17

Also would like to point out that I'm not mega vain! I don't have Instagram and I rarely wear makeup in my day to day life!

OP posts:
LoveInTokyo · 01/08/2018 16:17
Biscuit
Autumnintheair0 · 01/08/2018 16:19

Ah so your beautiful without make up too?
Just charming

spanishwife · 01/08/2018 16:20

Maybe you just aren't very smart or funny?

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 01/08/2018 16:21

If you were a woman's woman you would never have started this thread.
Develop other talents, including the acquisition of some common sense.
Count your blessings, being good looking brings with it massive advantage,really not something to feel glum about for heavens sake.

Plughole3 · 01/08/2018 16:24

But one persons Angelina Jolie is another persons alien so personally I wouldn’t worry about it.

BiggerBoat1 · 01/08/2018 16:24

Sorry, OP I got bored halfway through your explanation of your other qualities.

Thank goodness you're so gorgeous Grin

ragged · 01/08/2018 16:25

It sounds like distinguishing people by their "most" traits, not saying those are their only redeeming traits. I imagine Emma can cook & Kate is smart, too.

Plughole3 · 01/08/2018 16:26

I do get a lot of comments about my looks from both men and women so it's simply the truth that I'm fairly good looking. I used to do modelling when young & some of the girls were so beautiful (I’m just photogenic) people never ever approached them let alone told them how good looking they were.

NonaGrey · 01/08/2018 16:26

But I’m sure your funny friend is more than just funny. And your clever friend is more than just clever. I wonder how the “good Mum” feels about being only described in relation to her children? Sad

The problem is not how you are described by your friends. The problem is that you and your friends are putting each other into these boxes at all.

Stop these conversations when they happen! Challenge the need to pigeonhole each other at all.

Alternatively, get new friends.

I’ve never, ever had that kind of conversation with any of my friends.

HollowTalk · 01/08/2018 16:28

I know what you mean, OP (not personally, unfortunately!) - though it could be worse - my friend is one of four and she showed us a letter an aunt had written to her dad: "It was so lovely to see all your grown up children. Harry has done so well for himself with his business, Jenny is so clever and Alice is so pretty. And Emma, is that her name? She's so... happy."

coolncalm · 01/08/2018 16:29

Just wondering how often they say it for it to cause annoyance. Rather rude to be so personal i think., and different groups say the same thing? how odd.

Original poster
HumpbertEngeldinck · 01/08/2018 16:30

If I had posted "my friends only comment on my physical appearance and never focus on my skills or personality when describing me to others even though they never describe our other friends physically" would that work better? I'm 32, I have a good job and more to offer than simply how I appear.

OP posts:
Whyisitnotcompulsory · 01/08/2018 16:31

If this is genuine I find it highly bizarre that you're all being labelled by one trait.

My friends are wonderful for all sorts of reasons. I would never define them by one thing and nor would anyone else I know.

Sure some people are exceptionally funny, clever or good looking but it's not all they are.

Very odd indeed.

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