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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to be seen as more than just good looking?

198 replies

HumpbertEngeldinck · 01/08/2018 15:42

Typical conversation with my friends: Sarah is really smart, Kate is a great mum, Nina is an extraordinary cook, Emma is absolutely hilarious and Humpbert is gorgeous!

This happens a lot amongst different groups of friends and although it's one of the nicer problems to have, I sometimes feel a bit glum about it.

I'd prefer to be seen by friends as someone who is smart or funny rather than just someone who was lucky enough to have been born with above average levels of beauty. It's not like it's something that I really have much control over, it's just luck of the draw! Plus it's something that over time will fade and is irrelevant in any case.

OP posts:
sagasleathertrousers · 01/08/2018 18:54

How do you think the 'extraordinary cook' feels?!

Fang2468 · 01/08/2018 18:57

Perhaps your friends are trying to be nice?

Just mention it to them, say you don’t like it.

This ^^

thecatsthecats · 01/08/2018 19:00

I get it OP.

I have this friend who is obsessed with defining us by single labels - as in whenever we're in a group together, she'll make comments about one girl having always been the 'beautiful one', her being the 'clever one', another the 'fun' one. I'm the 'weird' one,so count your blessings with good looking!

The truth though? I would describe her as the unhappy one. She underrates herself in other areas, she overrates others (for example she is constantly overegging her nice but entirely normal friend as if she were Venus reborn, and avoids introducing boyfriends to her in case they fall for her instead). It doesn't come from either a deep or happy place. Let it go.

Zoflorabore · 01/08/2018 19:02

Picture or it didn't happen Grin

Seriously though op, this is not meant to sound bad but maybe that your mates aren't that good looking so see you all attractive and think you're gorgeous?

Me and my friends are pretty honest with each other over looks and of course will big each other up if feeling down, they all love my boobs for example whilst one of my friends has the most amazing long hair, another has the figure of a couture model, we've all got nice things about us.

If all you've got to worry about at this minute is looking gorgeous and how it defines you then your life is going pretty well.
I turned 40 this year and feel I look better than ever but I am a little bit vain
Am still fat but that doesn't define me one bit.

twattymctwatterson · 01/08/2018 19:07

Seriously am I really going to get ugly when I turn 40? Because that's only 2 years away and I think I'm still pretty fucking banging Glitterball

Itsnotmesothere · 01/08/2018 19:10

You'll still be fucking banging twatty. Haven't you noticed mumsnet is full of ageist comments?
Example
My FIL is a fucking cunt
Could he have dementia?

Zoflorabore · 01/08/2018 19:10

Life begins at 40 Grin

YeTalkShiteHen · 01/08/2018 19:12

@twattymctwatterson Grin

FWIW I’ve got a friend in her 50s who not only looks about 30 but she’s gorgeous too!

LadyRochfordsHoickedGusset · 01/08/2018 19:13

Yeah I don't get the once you're over 40 it's all over anyway posts Confused

Not IME.

TheMonkeyMummy · 01/08/2018 19:13

I'm 40 in three months and have never felt better about my looks! (Mainly because I don't care what others think and dress for myself).

ClarkWGriswold · 01/08/2018 19:14

Honestly ladies my comment about invisible at forty was definitely supposed to be facetious and not meant to cause offence. I’m 38 and perfectly happy with facing 40! Apologies if I’ve offended.

kaytee87 · 01/08/2018 19:17

The jealousy ripping out of some of you is almost painful to read.

Op I get what you're saying. And how annoying for your friend to basically tell you you have no problems because you're good looking.

Hadjab · 01/08/2018 19:17

I feel you OP! I’ve been cursed with intelligence and wit - it’s hard, but we all have our cross to bear.

Bluntness100 · 01/08/2018 19:21

Meh,

I'm generally considered attractive and I get a lot of comments on it. Ive never been classified as nothing more than attractive though, well not by anyone nice, I have been by people who have disliked me, and I don't know anyone who labels everyone with a single label though.

I come from an Italian family and I look very stereotypically Italian female, so I think that's part of it, I just look different as opposed to attractive .

I'm 49 now and it's not really changed, the comments remain the same, bone structure, face shape etc doesn't really change unless you've had a big weight change. So don't worry about age and don't worry about those friends.

It sounds very immature to sit and label each other repeatedly. Like school kids. Forget about it. As a Pp said, it's better to be considered attractive than the opposite.

coolncalm · 01/08/2018 19:24

If anyone's "tearing someone down" it's the Ops friends. Not in a direct way but to describe someone as "the good cook" for example is implying that's all she's defined by. If i was "the good cook" or even any of the other labels i'd definitely feel "torn down". They sound quite shallow women tbh as well as being a bit odd. I don't know anyone else who does that.

lazyminimoo · 01/08/2018 19:30

Barbara windsor she is still so pretty an she is really old

TheMonkeyMummy · 01/08/2018 19:49

@kaytee87 , if we can't see her, how can we be jealous? That just isn't logical. She could be anyone. Besides, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

If I was the OP, I would have written something along the lines of

'I can't help but feel that society is judging me, as a woman, on my physical attributes. I have friends in particular, who, I wish wouldn't do this. I am a fairly successful, intelligent, educated and driven woman and more than my looks. AIBU to think that this is infuriating?'

That's a shitty first draft, but you get the drift... I can't help thinking that this approach would have invited a more level discussion. Flouncing off didn't help the OP's cause either

multivac · 01/08/2018 19:53

I can't help thinking that this approach would have invited a more level discussion

Bollocks would it. It would have been the same spew of self-loathing spite, but with an added dose of accusations that you were being disingenuous.

bobstersmum · 01/08/2018 19:57

Why do you feel the need to refer to each other as a thing? Are you today's equivalent of the spice girls?

TheMonkeyMummy · 01/08/2018 20:02

@multivac possibly... who knows. Anyway, it's been a sharp learning curve for poor OP. Hopefully she hasn't taken the opinions of strangers on the internet to heart and will actually chat to her friends about anything that is bothering her.

taratill · 01/08/2018 20:03

I have a stunning friend. Who is stunning even in her 40s she is also one of the most intelligent and lovely people I have ever met.

She appears unaware of her beauty.

She works for the UN in humanitarian aid.

You don't have to be defined by your looks no matter if you are fair of face or not.

So don't be.

rightknockered · 01/08/2018 20:31

OP. I am considered beautiful but didn't actually believe it until I approached my late 30s. I just thought people were trying to insinuate that I was stupid with no personality, it always seemed a bit nasty. I'd always get approached by men and still do. Wherever I am, and have just always wondered why I get nutcases following me and wondering what is somodd about me that people stare at me.
It wasn't until my 30- that I allowed myself to believe it, it seemed wrong to me until then and I didn't want to be seen as vein. But really it isn't any different from any other descriptor: tall, funny, athletic, etc.
Just accept it and move on. It's just skin, bone structure, hair and body.
I will admit I'm beautiful, with a knock out body to boot. I won't feel ashamed about the package I come in. I won't make excuses for it. If people judge me on it, the problem lies with them not me. No one has the right to take away my dignity

stopgap · 01/08/2018 20:35

twatty At 41 I get more attention from men than I’ve ever done. Funny, that. I don’t think 40 is what it used to be at all, especially if you work out, eat well etc.

Ethylred · 01/08/2018 20:41

Mumsnet.
Where women hate other women either for being a MIL or for being beautiful.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 01/08/2018 20:55

Typical conversation with my friends: Sarah is really smart, Kate is a great mum, Nina is an extraordinary cook, Emma is absolutely hilarious and Humpbert is gorgeous!

This is not a typical conversation of anyone, anywhere.

Are you all characters in a stupendously shit novel?

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