Two boys - AIBU / Paranoid?

[TreaclePumpkin]

Hi all,

I have one son already and another one on the way. Every time I tell people my second child will also be a boy, people seem to be disappointed. And seem to be searching for my disappointment in my voice when I speak.

For the record, as nice as I'm sure as it would have been to have a girl, I truly don't mind I'm having a boy - just want a healthy baby who will hopefully grow up to have a close bond with his brother. And I have no plans to have any more children (don't love the whole pregnancy malarkey, though the end result is great), so no chance of me "trying" again.

But all I seem to get all the time are comments about how hard two boys will be and how I MUST try again, as if I have failed somehow. It's starting to make me feel super defensive about it, to the extent I'd rather lie and say I don't know what I'm having.

That plus the fact people can't get over just how big I look already and how the only explanation is that it must be twins If another person makes a comment about the size of my bump i'lll... never mind. I digress...

Anyhoo, is this a thing anyone else has experienced? Am I just being over-sensitive? I'm fully prepared to blame it on my hormones.

How do I get people to believe that I really am happy/don't care that my baby is a boy - without sounding like I'm protesting too much?

I had a bit of this - I have 2 boys - but I didn't find out the sex of either until they were born, so it reduced it a bit.

Some people seemed to think I should want a girl but I was absolutely fine with having a second boy. I would also have been fine having a little girl, I Did Not Mind either way as there were pros and cons to both!

Occasionally I think it might have been nice to have a girl baby (mostly when I'm walking past the racks of gorgeous material dress ups for little girls!) but overall I'm not at all fussed.

And, despite DS2's longing for a baby sister, it ain't gonna happen - too old now.

Also I am not particularly ‘girly’ or into shopping or make up or clothes or anything stereotypically feminine. And interestingly my sons are not remotely stereotypically ‘boyish’ as well. I reckon if I had a girl who was a ‘pink glitter princess’ I would have respected her opinion to do so but would have been totally bewildered by it.

I never EVER wanted one of each. I always wanted 2 girls. And so did my husband.

That is what we got.

Funnily enough, we have never ever ONCE had anyone saying 'do you wish you had had a boy?'

I think many people (women especially,) seem to want girls. In the western world anyway. I have met and known and heard of SO many women who are desperate for a girl, but never met one who is desperate for a boy.

The trick is to say something obviously ridiculous - like 'actually I was more hoping that it would be a puppy. But given the size of my bump I'm beginning to think it's going to be a baby elephant, Or a photocopier...'

And then just wait for them to go 'whaaaat?' so you can point out that your comment was no more crazy than theirs.

good grief the gender stereotyping on threads like this is just awful.

I got that too. I just told people I thought I was infertile (true, lots of women's problems,) and I loved the boy I already had and another was wonderful. I don't understand people.

Hate it when people do this, it’s not like all boys are the same or all girls are the same. I have ‘one of each’ and annoyingly they are almost bloody identical. I was hoping that at least one of them would be well-behaved!

People talk such shit. All the same people telling you a boy and a girl is ideal will also be the people also telling you that boys are 'naturally' loud and aggressive and that girls' friendship groups are spiteful, and all this stereotypical nonsense that bears no relationship to real life, except in the sense that in some people's hands it becomes self-fulfilling prophecy. I have three lovely boys and the only reason I ever wished I'd had a girl is because I'd have liked to explode a few gender stereotypes and myths.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, OP.

I've never noticed this IRL either. I'm currently TTC and I'm hoping we're going to have a second boy!

(Partly copied and pasted from my comment on a recent similar thread)

I have two boys and get a lot of shitty comments too. Certain people do make comments that imply (or they just say outright!) an all-sons family isn't as good as one with at least one daughter*. I'd be lying if I didn't say it upset me sometimes, even if I know rationally that it's bollocks. It's not very nice to be told your family is something people pity you for (or second class to one with a girl in it)!

• e.g. try for a girl, "were you hoping for a girl the second time", "that's a shame", "I feel sorry for mums who don't know what it's like to have a daughter". Boys are not a consolation prize FFS.

Although people with only girls do get shitty comments too there does seem to be a particular tendency for all boy families to attract them. And I think that's partly why people seem more often to be disappointed when having another boy than another girl.

We’ve got 2 boys (21&23) and the only person who didn’t say “never mind” when DS2 was born was my gran because she had 2 boys. I was so fed up with it. The pregnancy was awful,I ended up permanently disabled, but had a healthy son yet people still stuck the knife in.

About 8 years later a friend found out she was having a second son and after a gutfull of never minds, she rang me because she knew I would be happy for her.

It’s a new baby. People need to get a grip.

I have two ds, I found that having several miscarriages between the two made people get over any potential “disappointment” they thought I might feel at not having a girl. They are both lovely and both actually very different personality wise - differences that if they were different sexes I would no doubt have put down to that.
Congrats OP

I have one of each. DD14 and DS12. I really didn’t mind whether I had boys or girls but we did get a lot of comments after DS ways born about how ‘clever’ we were to have managed to produce one of each.

Errr no actually, just the luck of the draw. Nothing remotely clever about it.

And also, fast forward 14 years from when my DD was born and she is currently getting ready to transition to be our DS instead! You just never know.

I also got pity. I was silently a bit disappointed and felt like a failure for making more of the same, which was confirmed whenever i revealed the sex.
I think it is better to keep it quiet. Like names, they wont say it abput a born baby

just ignore anyone like this, it's totally weird!
I've got 3 girls, and when I was pregnant with the 3rd the amount of people"hoping" I had a boy, even the midwife at my appointments gggrrrrr, it's lovely having a baby girl or boy, congratulations x

I have 4 boys and at each people have said to me' are you hoping for a girl?' The thing is you get used to being a boy family and now I wouldn't have a clue what to do with a girl! (My friends with girls say the same about boys!) The people with girls say their DHs are always asked are they gutted they don't have a boy. I think people just think you want the gender that you are!

Well, at least it's not just me...not that it makes it any better for any one of us who have ever had to deal with this.

Whilst receiving all your messages I have had another very irritating conversation with someone on this topic. He had assumed I didn't know the sex of the baby and said he hoped it was a girl. I said why, he couldn't really articulate it very well, excerpt to say that it's what everyone wants of course and when I told him it was actually a boy, he spent ages trying to convince me that I was lying to myself about how I feel and that he will wait for news of my next pregnancy, which is definitely going to happen now . A complete waste of my time - much as this is a good friend of mine, it was really no better than speaking to a brick wall (probably worse).

Your responses plus this super dumb conversation have made me realise, as some of you have said, that there is no point trying to convince people about this and I shouldn't feel that I have to.

If they feel my family is somehow inferior or incomplete as a result, that's going to have to be their problem. I have plenty of more important things to worry about in life.

So I will try and just grin and bear it, accepting that some people are just unthinking idiots (or idiots full stop).

Will just do my best to make sure that no matter what people may say in the years to come, DS2 will never feel like he wasn't quite the child that we wanted.

You'll never get it right OP, some fucker will always come along to impart their “wisdom”.

You’re not having kids = you’re selfish/incomplete as a woman/cold hearted/weird

You have 1 kid = when are you having the next?/it’s not fair to just have one/they’ll turn out spoilt

You’re have two (but oh no, you stupid woman, you’ve had two of the same sex) = aww poor you, you must be disappointed/two boys/girls will be so hard because of x reason/you’ll surely be trying for a third?

You have 3 =. YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR

I think people see it as the only important thing women do, so clearly they need lots of “helpful” advice.

People are stupid. I have three boys and also had a stillborn boy at full term in between my first two pregnancies.

And yet during my pregnancy last year people were still saying “so are you hoping for a girl?” And I was like no, I’m hoping for a baby to take home from hospital rather than a box of memories.

And now that I’ve got three boys, everyone Says “oh, three boys! You’ll have your hands full”

AngelsSins is right.

Ignore them, OP, or think of some funny / rude responses to shut up people who make these annoying and offensive comments.

I have one of each but it would never have entered my mind to upset if I had 2 the same. In fact I am much closer to my Ds than I am to my DD.
People are stupid.

I don't understand it. My grandma said 'at least you've already got 2 girls' when we found out DC3 was a boy!! We were hoping be would be a boy as our last, though obviously would have been happy either way!
When I said as much she said 'oh just wait, boys are such hard work, they make endless mess and never sit still.'
Still waiting for that as so far he's much calmer than his sister who's a year older..!

I got this when I told people my second was also a son.

I now get, ‘do you not think you want to try again, for a girl?’

I've just had my 4th (much loved and wanted) boy. Imagine what people are saying to me!

I always wanted 4 kids - never even really stopped to imagine what gender they might be. It is so unimportant to me. Although the more boys I had, the more happy I was to think I might have another, because they are great.

(I'm sure girls are great too, I just haven't experienced that ).

I guess the reason these silly comments are annoying is that I would hate for any of my sons to think they weren't absolutely 100% celebrated when they arrived. That would be very hurtful.

People are stupid and rude. I wish you could just say to them 'what a stupid, rude thing to say'.
When I was pg with no2 and had one son, another mother, who had a dd, said to me that she daren't go for number 2 in case it was a boy. Idiot.
She did then go on to have a boy. He is gorgeous but I have no idea about their relationship as we're not friends any more.
Every baby is a blessing and a unique child.