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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Are we being unreasonable re: baby names or are they?

324 replies

HelpMeOutHereASecond · 01/08/2018 02:17

I'm pregnant, almost 6 months now. We don't know the sex and not through lack of trying. My husband's brothers on/off girlfriend is also pregnant, due a boy imminently.

Since forever, husband has always wanted to name a future son [X name] after his grandfather. Our hypothetical son has always (for years) been going to be called [X name] [Y name], after both of our grandfathers.

When we found out that BiL was expecting a baby (not himself, obviously) we had a word (she was literally 6 weeks pregnant, it's been clear right from the start) and made it clear that we were trying and that this was and had always been our plan regarding naming a boy. We also told them the name we would choose for a girl too. We haven't deviated from these names from the start. Our baby will be either, or, depending on the sex.

Tonight husband gets a text from his brother to say the on/off girlfriend (part of me suspects that it's actually him - they've been very quiet on discussing name ideas for a long time now) really wants to use [X name]. We cannot swap the names around either - they already have a son called [Y name].

We're not wrong to be angry/upset/pissed off/all of the above, right?

OP posts:

GreenTulips · 01/08/2018 10:40

If he didn't feel obligated to tell them the name whybis he doing so now? His baby hasn't been born either.

He's pre warning them that they are using the name -

diddl · 01/08/2018 10:41

"Seriously, what sort of world do some MNers live in?"

Well I live in one where I don't turn someone else's pregnancy news into a discussion about me TTC & what baby names I will be using!

WhyOhWine · 01/08/2018 10:42

This happened with 2 of my mum's cousins (siblings of each other - sister and brother). Their mum was called Sarah, known as Sadie (not real names but closest I can come up with!).

Both siblings had a child around the same time, their mum had recently died and both wanted to call their child Sarah. They both did so and it caused massive massive fallout from which their sibling relationship never recovered, and it also caused ructions throughout the family and even their small community.

I am not sure who "chose" the name first but i do remember my mum worrying about it even before the babies were born (my mum is older than her cousins so i was about 10 when the Sarahs were born).

The Sarahs did at least have different surnames (same school) and as it happened one of them ended up becoming known as Sadie (although I understnad this was not the original intent). For reasons I wont go into, several years later the sister ended up taking on the brother's children (not sure if this involved a formal adoption or not as my mum had drifted apart by this stage), so I guess it is lucky one of the Sarahs did become Sadie.

Also, one of my colleagues has 2 sisters who called their first son the same name. The sister whose child was born first was so upset that she has not spoken to her sister since (she also moved abroad but not sure that is linked!)

So while i would never get this worked up about a name, it is clear that it can be extremely emotive for some people. Given they are close, I think your DH needs to have a chat with his brother to explain how storngly he feels about it and how hurt he would be (while recognising it is ultimately the brother's decision).

BewareOfDragons · 01/08/2018 10:43

Probably because at this point he knew how ridiculously his brother and SIL (OP) would react after trying to 'claim' the name in the first place, so he's finally bitten the bullet and decided to give them some warning as to what's coming. Frankly, it's sad that he had to warn them this is what's happening. It's probably not very nice for him to know his own brother is going to react very badly to him giving his own child his own beloved grandfather's name.

He's having a baby. First. It happens. And OP and her husband don't even know if they're having a boy. But are still outraged. They're ridiculous.

JacquesHammer · 01/08/2018 10:43

Surely some of the issue arises from you telling them that you'll already be using the name of BIL's first child if I've read that correctly.

Turning that around it would be very unreasonable to say "we want to use X name so don't call your child it. By the way we're also using Y's name"

GinPink · 01/08/2018 10:45

I would say if we have a boy we won't change the name choice but YABU to expect them to change their choice, they are due first. I wouldn't cause a row as you might all have girls anyway.

Smellbellina · 01/08/2018 10:45

Well I live in one where I don't turn someone else's pregnancy news into a discussion about me TTC & what baby names I will be using!

This!!! Why did you even have that discussion in the first place?
Just use the name you like and leave them to do the same. Its perfectly reasonable for 2 great grandsons to be named after a beloved grandfather.

SemperIdem · 01/08/2018 10:45

It’s a little annoying I suppose. But you’re due later so...it will be you and your husband who look strange for using the same name, not your brother and sister in law. Something to bear in mind.

BewareOfDragons · 01/08/2018 10:45

Given they are close, I think your DH needs to have a chat with his brother to explain how storngly he feels about it and how hurt he would be (while recognising it is ultimately the brother's decision).

You could say the same thing in reverse ... given how strong OP's BIL feels about it, just didn't feel he needed to tell everyone and then some in advance, he could start this conversation ... oh wait ... he has ... by telling OP and her husband that this is the name he'll be using.

Emotions can run strongly on both sides. But no one owns a name.

ChanandlerBongsNeighbour · 01/08/2018 10:47

When I was eight and a half months pg with my first, I didn't know what I was having. Had literally no idea on a boys name but had a definite long time choice for girls name (which we kept to ourselves).

Within the space of a week, BIL suddenly produced his eight and a half month pregnant girlfriend (loooong back story of a big cover up where she had been sent to prison, we were told they had split, huge family rift ensued). She gave birth within days (I gave birth 6 days later) and they used our definite name. I was gutted. About many many facets of it but the name thing just topped it off.

Am very close to PILS and they knew about secret gf for a long time, inc that she was pg. I felt immensely betrayed by them at the time but suddenly understood all the distracted phone calls, the long silences responding to my baby excitement etc etc.

Anyway, my point being that I TOTALLY get your name disappointment. It's irrational but real.

FWIW we did choose a different name. Grudgingly. Batshit gf did a runner and BIL a single parent, I do still get enjoyment from my DN's name at least!

Themerrygoroundoflife · 01/08/2018 10:49

YABU - first born, first named.
Fair enough to be upset but you can’t save names. You may never have a boy.

GreenTulips · 01/08/2018 10:50

will be you and your husband who look strange for using the same name, not your brother and sister in law. Something to bear in mind

I think that's the point!!!

Trinity66 · 01/08/2018 10:56

I mean if it was just some random name that you'd chose and told them about then it's one thing but It's both your DH and his brothers grandfathers name so in all likelyhood he probably was considering that name before you said anything.

Hoppinggreen · 01/08/2018 11:10

Tough
Whoever has a boy first gets to use the name. Youncan use it too if you want it you can’t tell anyone else they cant

MLMsuperfan · 01/08/2018 11:12

Call the police. Explain you made it clear you had reserved the name. They'll have the on-off girlfriend in handcuffs for sure.

whiskybysidedoor · 01/08/2018 11:13

Honestly from someone years down the line from you this is an argument not worth having.

What will matter to your child a million times more will be a loving happy extended family. He/she will not care who is called John boy the second or how the name came about. Do not fall out over this it is not a competition.

It’s one of those things that may seem a massive deal when you are pregnant but then a few years later you feel embarrassed about.

Is there not another name? Can you not try and think? The unfortunate things about kids is that they always tend to turn up nothing like you imagined. By creating an imaginary identity for them is setting you all up for a lifetime of misery.

A lot of people change their minds when children are born as they realise the name just isn’t right.

diddl · 01/08/2018 11:16

Why not have [new name][x name][yname]?

HappilyHarridan · 01/08/2018 11:18

For the vast majority of their lives these cousins will not be living together, and will have separate jobs, relationships and friends as they grow up. It really won't matter in a few years if they have the same name.

MyOtherProfile · 01/08/2018 11:19

This is one of the reasons we never told anyone the name we were going to use until we announced it after the birth. We called my son after a grandfather and my cousin openly said he was annoyed with himself for not thinking of it for his 1st child so then used it for his 2nd. If we had told people the name in advance he may well have got in there before us.

mumontherunnn · 01/08/2018 11:22

YANBU, this exact thing happened to me and I am furious. Really unusual name and They would never have even thought of it unless I stupidly mentioned it. My boys name and middle name - raging!!!

Fine I thought, I'll let it go, you can't reserve a name. Easier said than done, I can't bring myself to use this child's name it's the baby, little man or their youngest it sticks in my throat. I feel sorry for him as everyone knows it was his cousins name originally and when any one asks his name the reply is REALLY? And usually either a look to me or a 'ooft' or 'wow how do you feel about that mumonrun'
It's awkward as hell. There are literally millions of names out there go find your own!

catlady34 · 01/08/2018 11:26

mumontherunnn did you still use the name for your son?

CarrotandSwede · 01/08/2018 11:28

If you’re choosing from a smal pool of names I.e relatives then you must expect some overlap. We just chose names we liked. There’s an idea...

Original poster

HelpMeOutHereASecond · 01/08/2018 11:31

Turns out BiL doesn't want to use the name, but GF does. BiL has suggested it to GF as a middle name as a compromise (to her, not us). That removes the mutual grandfather element of it.

Husband has told him that our child, if a boy, will be X-name Y-name Surname regardless of what they decide to do, as per our plan from day 1 of which they have always been aware of, that it's up to them what they do but we will let them know as soon as (if!) we find out what we're having.

OP posts:

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 01/08/2018 11:40

Could you use your grandfathers name first maybe? But if not just use the name you picked.

I wonder if SIL is a bit annoyed with you for claiming this name when you weren't even pregnant and is now planning on using it as a poke in the eye.

Original poster

HelpMeOutHereASecond · 01/08/2018 11:43

@GreatDuckCookery I personally prefer the names in the order of Y X but they already have a son called Y and Y is very similar to my husband's name and he often gets incorrectly called it so isn't keen on that way around

OP posts:

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