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AIBU?

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Original poster

Are we being unreasonable re: baby names or are they?

324 replies

HelpMeOutHereASecond · 01/08/2018 02:17

I'm pregnant, almost 6 months now. We don't know the sex and not through lack of trying. My husband's brothers on/off girlfriend is also pregnant, due a boy imminently.

Since forever, husband has always wanted to name a future son [X name] after his grandfather. Our hypothetical son has always (for years) been going to be called [X name] [Y name], after both of our grandfathers.

When we found out that BiL was expecting a baby (not himself, obviously) we had a word (she was literally 6 weeks pregnant, it's been clear right from the start) and made it clear that we were trying and that this was and had always been our plan regarding naming a boy. We also told them the name we would choose for a girl too. We haven't deviated from these names from the start. Our baby will be either, or, depending on the sex.

Tonight husband gets a text from his brother to say the on/off girlfriend (part of me suspects that it's actually him - they've been very quiet on discussing name ideas for a long time now) really wants to use [X name]. We cannot swap the names around either - they already have a son called [Y name].

We're not wrong to be angry/upset/pissed off/all of the above, right?

OP posts:
AjasLipstick · 01/08/2018 04:22

I think people are weird about names. Why does it matter if both children are called the same name? It really doesn't. People will know to distinguish them in their own family and even if at the same school, they'll become "Big William and little Will" or "Blonde Sam and Sam" I named my DD2 by the same name as my sister had chosen for her youngest's middle name....and she was Hmm but it never even crossed my mind that she'd care!

Ventiamore · 01/08/2018 04:39

What a drama over nothing. You can't earmark a name. Ridiculous to expect others to take that seriously, I'm afraid.

Clairetree1 · 01/08/2018 04:56

nothing wrong in using the same name.

A little while ago at work we were discussing the number of us who have siblings groups in the family where the same name was used twice, for brothers, or for sisters.

It used to be quite common, few generations ago, to give a family name to more than one sibling, so the name carried on even if one of the siblings carrying it died young.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 01/08/2018 05:00

I’d be cross about this. Although there’s nothing you can do.

Is it a name you can use a shortening for if they don’t? Billy for William, etc

ittakes2 · 01/08/2018 05:43

I think you need to tell them you will still use the name and then put it out of your mind. You don't need this stress when you are pregnant.

Rosemary46 · 01/08/2018 05:44

This is easily solved by using your own surname instead of your husbands. Or at least double barrelling them.

So their son will be David John Jones.

And yours will be John David Smith. Or John David Blenkinsop - Smith.

No one will mix up cousins called David Jones and John Smith .

user1471426142 · 01/08/2018 06:03

I think you’re unreasonable. Your Bil may well have wanted to use the name for the same reasons but assumed as he was going first he’d have a free choice. I’ve seen name choice rip siblings apart and it really isn’t worth it. Either both use it and get over it or call your baby something different if he’s a son if it’s going to bother you so much. Don’t let it build into years of resentment like I’ve seen with a family member.

PurpleFlower1983 · 01/08/2018 06:06

If it’s a popular name, like William, George or Jack, chances are there will be a few others around anyway so I wouldn’t worry.

HarryPotterISreal · 01/08/2018 06:07

People need to stop discussing names.

You introduce a baby with a name. Full stop.

Allthatsnot · 01/08/2018 06:23

You sat them down before you were even pregnant and told them they couldn't use your name, ywbu.
They have just as much right to use the name as you, despite her just being an on/off girlfriend.
It sounds like you don't like her much anyway so your children having the same name probably won't be a problem.

Sleephead1 · 01/08/2018 06:27

I understand you feeling a bit put out but it's him grandad too and you don't know it isn't the name sil has always wanted you said she went with her ex choice for her son and regretted it maybe she doesn't want to do it again. Imagine if they don't use it then you have a girl there is no guarantee you will ever have a son so I don't think you can stop anyone from using a name just in case you do. If you plan on using it anyway then I would tell them that so they can decide if they still want too aswell but o don't think it will be a huge deal anyway if they both have the same name. Is it a name that is likely to be shortened ? as one may end up with a short version or nickname would you be ok with that

Shoxfordian · 01/08/2018 06:28

It's his grandad as well. It's a family name so it's understandable he also wants to use it. Yabu.

CasperGutman · 01/08/2018 06:30

Don't worry about it. They can just have the same name. There are two cousins with the same name (Firstname Lastname) in my son's class at primary. There's also a third pupil with the same name (Firstname Lastname) and three more with the same first name. None of the six is known by a middle name or diminutive. Everyone copes, somehow!

HettySunshine · 01/08/2018 06:32

If you both use the same name does that mean they'll be two John Smiths or whatever in the same class at school?

If so, I think yabu. You can't put dibs on a name and 'sitting them down' before you were even pregnant and laying down the la was also totally u.

Sorry op I think you're going to have to suck it up and think of something else.

LotsToThinkOf · 01/08/2018 06:40

I'd be upset too OP, they sound alike arseholes. Sadly, I think the name is the beginning of competitive parenting crap that often befalls families and friends when 2 newborns arrive around the same time. If it was me I'd probably choose a different name and then distance myself from them for the foreseeable.

If they cared then they would have ruled that particular name out. I agree that you can't really earmark a name but in this instance you already told them the name you were going to use - they've chosen it because they 'can' which is a terrible reason. Any decent person would have thought that's your name of choice so wouldn't have considered it.

Don't spend your time and energy on these people, they have no respect for you. Family or not, distance yourself otherwise it'll be competitive crap from start to finish.

Cherubfish · 01/08/2018 06:41

To everyone saying use the name anyway - does that mean there could potentially be two boys in the same class with the same first name AND the same surname?? That could get v confusing! (Or have I got that wrong? Will they have different surnames?) If so I'd swap the names round and call him name Y with name X for a middle name. I know there's another son with that name but at least they won't be the same age. Or as pp suggested call your son by a nickname from birth if there's one you like.

YANBU to feel a bit annoyed but at the end of the day there's nothing you can do to stop them.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 01/08/2018 06:42

When I had scans (admittedly 20 years ago in another country) I was told that if they cannot give a definite answer, the baby is more likely to be a girl. True in my case but I'm sure that technology has leapt on since then.

ScrubTheDecks · 01/08/2018 06:48

The grandparents will have two grandsons, close in age , with the same name. They might find it tricky.

If you do use the same name, in a small village, I would make sure they have different surnames. Have you changed your name to your DH’s? If not use your surname. The capacity fir confusion at school, Dr, dentist etc ...could get annoying.

Dhalandchips · 01/08/2018 06:51

I'd wait and see. I had my heart set on a name for #1 DD but when she came out, she looked nothing like a 'chosen name,. She looked like a 'something completely different'. We weren't sure what, so we spent a few days getting to know her before settling on the name she has now. Good luck x

ALemonyPea · 01/08/2018 07:00

They’re orobably using it to be defiant op, after all, you did sit them down like toddlers and warn them not to use it.

You might be living in this fantasy that your child will be called X, behave in this and that way, have whatever coloured hair and certain features, in reality it is likely to be very different. You can’t give an identity to a child who isn’t even hear. Stop stressing so much over a name. A name doesn’t define who a person is.

Owletterocks · 01/08/2018 07:04

I would be annoyed at that op but what can you do? The same thing happened with my and my brother, they used the name I wanted when we were both expecting. I had a boy anyway so it didn’t matter and then when I did go on to have a girl I picked a different name that suits her perfectly and I love. There really are loads of names there and it feels like a huge deal now but in a few years it won’t bother you at all and you will wonder why you were so worked up about it. Use both the names as a middle name and pick a new first name

MrsMrsMrsMrs · 01/08/2018 07:06

I’d be upset too. I had a family friend copy my unusual DS’s name and it still annoys me.
I’d probably send the text, but then secretly do some family history research to see if there was a beautiful family name that is as nice or even better but don’t tell anyone... then surprise people at the birth. It’s kind of nice to hear at the birth rather than before anyway. Good luck with the pregnancy

MrsMrsMrsMrs · 01/08/2018 07:07

That should say unusual name not unusual DS! Although...😆

newdaylight · 01/08/2018 07:10

Perhaps BIL has wanted that name even longer than your DH

LyndorCake · 01/08/2018 07:13

The name could have connections for her family too. Just got it! My cousin sat next to someone at school with the exact same name as him. There were over 200 pupils in his year and they happened to be in the same form class. They even looked quite similar.

On a side note, you don't like the gf at all do you?

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