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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are we being unreasonable re: baby names or are they?

324 replies

HelpMeOutHereASecond · 01/08/2018 02:17

I'm pregnant, almost 6 months now. We don't know the sex and not through lack of trying. My husband's brothers on/off girlfriend is also pregnant, due a boy imminently.

Since forever, husband has always wanted to name a future son [X name] after his grandfather. Our hypothetical son has always (for years) been going to be called [X name] [Y name], after both of our grandfathers.

When we found out that BiL was expecting a baby (not himself, obviously) we had a word (she was literally 6 weeks pregnant, it's been clear right from the start) and made it clear that we were trying and that this was and had always been our plan regarding naming a boy. We also told them the name we would choose for a girl too. We haven't deviated from these names from the start. Our baby will be either, or, depending on the sex.

Tonight husband gets a text from his brother to say the on/off girlfriend (part of me suspects that it's actually him - they've been very quiet on discussing name ideas for a long time now) really wants to use [X name]. We cannot swap the names around either - they already have a son called [Y name].

We're not wrong to be angry/upset/pissed off/all of the above, right?

OP posts:
Bluelonerose · 02/08/2018 06:45

I would be pissed as hell. I had names picked out early for my dc but didn't tell anyone until they were born for this exact reason.
I no people say you can't own a name but you want them to be the only one.
All 3 of my dcs only have middle names after gp. Maybe it's just me but I don't think anyone of the gp names are nice enough to have as first names.

Not family but when I was born my nan announced it in the paper. Few years later I went to school with a girl who had my first and middle name who was about 2 months younger than me. Yes her parents had copied my name.
Drove me mad coz my names not very common.

Cupoteap · 02/08/2018 07:02

You probably have them the idea, once a name is in your head.

Just go with the name you love.

ConfusedWife1234 · 02/08/2018 07:12

People in my family use the same first names over and over again. I have the same first name as some of my cousins and do not mind. We go by our nicknames.

TaraCave · 02/08/2018 07:26

You can't pre book a name!!!!
Yabu to be annoyed that despite you pre booking the name they are going to use it.
Seriously let this go. You're going to have a wee baby soon who will be lucky enough to have a cousin the same age. You cannot dictate what your bil can or can't call their child!!!!!!!!!

crispysausagerolls · 02/08/2018 09:51

Sometimes on MN I am so surprised by the opinion of others! No, you can’t “pre-book” a name. However OP casually mentioned to them what she would call her baby if a boy. At no time did either of them say “oh, we love that name too!”, and have now turned around and want to use it. Despite knowing OP is pregnant and will if it’s a boy (and they’ve been told it most likely will be), that they live in close proximity and share a surname. I think it is really cunty of them actually. It’s just bad form.

Confusedbeetle · 02/08/2018 09:59

I think this is a bit silly and definitely not worth falling out over. It's annoying that's all. It would be more so if your son was born and named and they chose the same name. You cant "own " a name and reserve it. Please save your anger for something more important. A name is just a name. Whatever you call your child, it will be a part of him/her. You no doubt will have a few dramas bringing up a child like we all do, this should not be one of them

NataliaOsipova · 02/08/2018 10:11

My mum was incensed that her next door neighbour called her DD the same name as my DD! I told her not to be so ridiculous; she'd probably heard us using it and thought it was nice. I'm also in the "nobody owns a name" camp, although I'd have avoided calling my children the same names as their cousins just to avoid confusion in the family.

AjasLipstick · 02/08/2018 10:26

Natalie absolutely! DH and I knew a woman vaguely through some friends and we had our DD1 about a month before she had hers.

We barely met....maybe three times at events. At one event when she was just about due, she told me "I thought I'd tell you now that I've decided to call my DD the same name as your DD...I did steal it...because I love it and I don't like lying!"

I was amused by her honesty! And flattered. I haven't seen her since then though.

RideOn · 02/08/2018 12:46

I hope you have a girl.

Pooshy · 02/08/2018 12:48

I don't think you are BU

BlueBug45 · 02/08/2018 14:17

@crispysausagerolls actually the OP was the silly one.

Never share baby names with someone who is pregnant, you know is ttc or has close pregnant relations.

The simple excuse to use is that GPs need to be the first ones to know the child's name once the child is born.

MiggledyHiggins · 02/08/2018 14:34

Call the baby the name you choose. My uncle has a son named after him, who in turn had a son and named him after his grandfather and himself. Uncle had two daughters, one who married a man with the same name as her dad and the other daughter named her son after her dad. The next generation then named her son after her dad and granddad. All the same name.

It's fine having first cousins even of a similar age with the same name- one will get shortened or altered slightly to differentiate.

I get what people are saying and that you didn't bagsie the name. I had a girls name always picked out and my fear was that my siblings would use it - though I knew it would be unreasonable to 'forbid' them from doing so. As it happens, I didn't have a girl and they all chose a different name but I think I would have gone with my name even if they'd used it already.

crispysausagerolls · 02/08/2018 17:20

BlueBug45

But I think people should be able to share names without fear of people being arseholes who decide to use it just because it’s in their head

MyDirtyLittleSecret · 02/08/2018 17:33

Again, why is it being an arsehole to like a name and want to call your child it no matter who thought of it first? It's a name, among millions and millions of names and highly likely there are several thousands of others who have it or have had it or will have it.
It really doesn't matter, yet we have people here falling out with family and one refusing to call an actual living baby by his given name because his parents got in first and "stole" her baby's name which she went ahead and gave him anyway but is now still badmouthing the other poor child's parents to all and sundry. How bloody bitter and depressing an outlook on life is that?

tenterden · 02/08/2018 18:01

YABU

I just can't see the problem.

FaveNumberIs2 · 02/08/2018 18:05

What does it matter if they have the same name? You can’t put dibs on a name, regardless of who had the idea first.

Go with your first choice, doesn’t matter. Grandparents (and other family members) can like it or lump it and will probably find nicknames like Big Joe and Little Joe.

Tommo75 · 02/08/2018 18:47

I had a friend in work who had a special name she'd use if she had a girl. She had 3 boys initially then her sil had a girl and used the name. My friends 4th child was a girl and she had to choose another name. It turns out the daughter suits this name rather than the name she thought she loved all along. Sometimes things happen for a reason. I know how you feel at the moment but 6 months from now you'll have something else to worry about and this won't matter anymore.

Bains091115 · 02/08/2018 19:00

My brother in law and his wife used the two girls names we were using on there daughter's a few months before our daughter was born.

Commonpeoplelikeme · 02/08/2018 19:15

I don’t you’re being too unreasonable. They were aware that you wanted to name you future child this and maybe they did feel cornered but if the gf just decided later ‘we’ll actually I like that name’ then you’re definitely NBU. also that they initially said they were cool with it. It’s rude. Yes, no one has ownership of a name but trying to find an analogy, it’s like telling them you’ve found a house you want to buy once your mortgage is approved but then them buying it before you have a chance. You don’t own the house yet but it’s just not a nice thing to do. Difference here is you can still name your child what name you want.

MyDirtyLittleSecret · 02/08/2018 19:26

No, it's nothing like the mortgage situation - there is only ONE house therefore only one buyer can buy it. A name isn't a tangible object with a finite number of people that can have it. As many people as there are people can have it and yet it's still available to be given to many more again.

NotBuiltForThisWorld · 02/08/2018 19:35

Use the name too if you want. Unless it's something truly unusual there will be a few kids at school with the same name anyway. If, like you say small school, small area, even with relative - school is only a few years out of a whole 90 year lifetime! It really doesn't matter if they're the same. If anything it reinforces how much their grandfather meant. If you want to use the name use it.

Xanadu44 · 02/08/2018 19:36

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I think your BIL is being a CF after all you've done for him but if they do take the first name then I would definitely use it has a middle name for your child, and use William as the second name and come up with a different first name. I know it's not fair but two Arthur's in the same name isn't fair for your DS. I had the name Georgina for my baby the whole of my life, so did my husband, and then when our DD was born she just didn't look like one at all! It really threw me but I realised I didn't want to name her that just because I felt like I should so we named her another name. Really glad we did!! Good luck!! Hopefully they will change their mind but I would definitely come up with a back up!! You will love whatever you name your baby and they will grow in to that name as well.

Commonpeoplelikeme · 02/08/2018 19:58

No, it's nothing like the mortgage situation - there is only ONE house therefore only one buyer can buy it. A name isn't a tangible object with a finite number of people that can have it. As many people as there are people can have it and yet it's still available to be given to many more again.

I think you’ve missed the point. Its the principle. When you tell someone (family especially) what you’re plans are then they decide to do it first and create negative or awkward consequences, then that is inconsiderate and rude. Like I said, they can still use the same name but the situation is awkward.

augustboymummy17 · 02/08/2018 20:13

If you find out it's a boy I would make it very clear to all family and all social media etc that this is what your son will be called that way it shows there copying you not the other way round

Teeniemiff · 02/08/2018 20:24

I can see why you’re annoyed.
But as others have said it’s BILs grandfather too. & you can’t really say what they can/can’t name their baby. I understand they don’t appear to have had their heart set on that name as you have, but unfortunately if they really want the name I suspect they will take it. If they didn’t, & you have a girl they could be a bit annoyed.
I agree with a post a little Further up who said you should maybe reply saying you understand why they want the name & that’s fine but you’ve been set on it for years so just letting them know that if you did have a boy then you will call him the name you have your heart set on.
We have an uncle (my husband) & nephew who have the same first & surname, it’s hardly a problem now. We are a close family but practicalities of work & both having children means we don’t see them all that much & when we do it’s not really an issue.