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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are we being unreasonable re: baby names or are they?

324 replies

HelpMeOutHereASecond · 01/08/2018 02:17

I'm pregnant, almost 6 months now. We don't know the sex and not through lack of trying. My husband's brothers on/off girlfriend is also pregnant, due a boy imminently.

Since forever, husband has always wanted to name a future son [X name] after his grandfather. Our hypothetical son has always (for years) been going to be called [X name] [Y name], after both of our grandfathers.

When we found out that BiL was expecting a baby (not himself, obviously) we had a word (she was literally 6 weeks pregnant, it's been clear right from the start) and made it clear that we were trying and that this was and had always been our plan regarding naming a boy. We also told them the name we would choose for a girl too. We haven't deviated from these names from the start. Our baby will be either, or, depending on the sex.

Tonight husband gets a text from his brother to say the on/off girlfriend (part of me suspects that it's actually him - they've been very quiet on discussing name ideas for a long time now) really wants to use [X name]. We cannot swap the names around either - they already have a son called [Y name].

We're not wrong to be angry/upset/pissed off/all of the above, right?

OP posts:
paap1975 · 01/08/2018 09:46

Your baby, you decide. You can call your son whatever you like, even if a relative already has the same name. If anyone comments, you can always reply along the lines of "yes, it's really weird they chose that name because they had know for ages that was our choice"

Trinity66 · 01/08/2018 09:47

Just use the name, lots of people have a family inherited name used by fathers, sons, grad fathers and even shared with cousins, it's not that big of a deal

DarklyDreamingDexter · 01/08/2018 09:47

You can call your child by whatever name you want and so can they. No one gets unique rights to a name. Who cares if cousins end up with the same name? Shared family names have been a thing for centuries. If it's any comfort, since you will have the baby first and get in first with the name, chances are they'll change their minds anyway for their precious first born.

Original poster
HelpMeOutHereASecond · 01/08/2018 09:52

@DarklyDreamingDexter they're due before we are (unless something going very wrong!)

OP posts:
DarklyDreamingDexter · 01/08/2018 09:52

Just re-read that she will have the baby first. Oh well, that scuppers that idea. However, I would say in advance 'how lovely, there will be 2 xyz'sin the family because that's our favourite name and we decided on it long ago." Just so they know it's non negotiable to you, even if they get in first with the name.

TheFairyCaravan · 01/08/2018 09:52

You are being utterly ridiculous.

When I was pregnant with DS1 we decided on a name very early on and didn’t tell anyone. SIL gave birth to a boy 3 months later and used the name. We congratulated her, never said a word and chose another name.

No one owns a name

Original poster
HelpMeOutHereASecond · 01/08/2018 09:54

Yep @diddl that's exactly what happened when we cornered them in the alley way, we offered bi congratulations or anything.

Seriously, what sort of world do some MNers live in? Hmm

OP posts:
IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 01/08/2018 09:55

It's time you stopped being so accommodating to bil. They didn't want this name until you said it was your choice - if he'd always been set on it too, then I'd say he has first dibs because his child is born first. But that's not the case.
He shows no thought or care for you and his brother, despite all the support you've given him. Do you think he is a bit jealous and using the name to get at you?

Anyway, my advice is to tell them you will be using it anyway and stop your bil from treating your house like a hotel - consideration needs to go both ways.

CarrotandSwede · 01/08/2018 09:55

Yabu to telling anyone you’re actively trying and then bagsie a name before you’re even pregnant.

Original poster
HelpMeOutHereASecond · 01/08/2018 09:56

@TheFairyCaravan the fact you chose a different name to the one you had chosen must have meant you felt something over them using the same name? How would you your partner have felt if you hadn't kept it secret do you think?

OP posts:
DarklyDreamingDexter · 01/08/2018 09:57

Cross post! By the way, my cousin got in first (by a couple of months) giving her baby the name I had already chosen for my daughter. I called my DD that name anyway. Roll on 3 years and same cousin had a boy a couple of months before me, which she called the same first AND second names I had already lined up for my son! I stuck to those name too! She probably thinks I'm a right copy cat, but I don't care - family names and all!

JustTheLemons · 01/08/2018 10:02

You’re getting some weird advice here today OP.

The brother is being unfair. The only way he wouldn’t be is if he immediately said he had always wanted that name too when you brought it up. But he didn’t.

Just message him back and say you are still naming your child the name as discussed and he is free to do what he likes.

Then keep the messages as proof!

(Also tell the cheeky bugger to pick his stuff up)

JamAtkins · 01/08/2018 10:02

YAB precious. Loads of cousins have the same names. My sister and out cousin (born 6 months apart) have the same name, although one changed their surname on marriage. My high school bf was one of 9 cousins with the same first name and 8 of them had the same last name. There were 2 unrelated boys in DS1s primary school class with the same first and last names.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 01/08/2018 10:07

You could always change your family's surname by deed poll. My parents did this (different reasons obviously) two years before I was born. Then they'd be different.

28holid · 01/08/2018 10:10

Seriously, what sort of world do some MNers live in? Hmm

Oh the irony......

TheFairyCaravan · 01/08/2018 10:18

HelpMeOutHereASecond we didn’t feel anything really SIL using the name. For a start we didn’t know 100% that we were having a boy but SIL did have a son right there in her arms. .

And FWIW when we had DS2 we chose a name that wasn’t particularly popular. However it did growin popularity and about 8 years later my cousin named her son it with DH’s name as a middle name and I didn’t give a shit about that either because we don’t own the names

TitsalinaBumSquash · 01/08/2018 10:22

I would continue talking about your baby using the name, to make it very clear that you consider your baby as 'X name' regardless of what they have said, so a brief "gosh I'm tired X has been kicking all night and kept me awake."

I would use the name regardless if you and DH love it as much as you do and if they use it too and people start calling your baby 'X name 2' or 'little X name' then shut it down straight away.

catherinedevalois · 01/08/2018 10:23

What about the other grandfather? Won't he feel a bit left out? Wink

neveradullmoment99 · 01/08/2018 10:24

I would be seriously pissed off!!! No denying it. YANBU.
They knew you wanted to use it as a first name. Why couldn't they have used it as a middle name. I would be very annoyed.

dustarr73 · 01/08/2018 10:26

Well sil could give the child her last name.Problem solved.Which is what i did.we are not married so the kids have my surname.

Original poster
HelpMeOutHereASecond · 01/08/2018 10:29

@catherinedevalois it's our grandfathers rather than baby's, of which my maternal grandfather I never knew and my husband's paternal grandfather he never knew, so no issues there!

All 4 grandfathers are deceased so probably don't have an opinion anyway

OP posts:
BewareOfDragons · 01/08/2018 10:32

OP, you are being ridiculous and unreasonable. So is your DH.

Nobody owns a name. Even if you said you'd use if IF one day you had a boy, you don't own the name.

Your brother's brother has just as much of a right and desire to name his own child with a name that he loves, and to name his after his grandfather if he wants to.

Under your scenario, you haven't even mentioned the possibility that you could well be having a girl! Because you don't even know what you're having. And you think this is the only child you'll ever have... so then what? Perhaps you'll have bullied (yes, bullied) your BIL out of using 'your' name, and then no child will be named after the beloved grandfather. What a result!

Get a grip. Get over yourself. And smile graciously when they introduce your new nephew to you no matter what they call him. You then have your own choice to make when your own child is born: if it's a boy, you can stick with your name or come up with a different one. It really doesn't matter. You're being silly. And if it's a girl, problem solved.

BewareOfDragons · 01/08/2018 10:35

The brother is being unfair. The only way he wouldn’t be is if he immediately said he had always wanted that name too when you brought it up. But he didn’t.

What on earth makes anyone think that the brother had some mysterious obligation to tell other people, in advance of other people's pregnancies, or whatever, what names he was considering. Or why. Because there wasn't any!

He didn't have to bring up anything, immediately or otherwise, just because OP and her husband were cheeky and outrageous enough to try to call dibs on a family name before they were even pregnant themselves!

catlady34 · 01/08/2018 10:36

Start referring to your baby as whatever the chosen name is, and tell everyone who'll listen what you intend to call it. All of this "they can both have the same name" stuff is BS, it would be very confusing for the child and for everyone else, especially if they end up at the same school.

OrangeMarshmellows · 01/08/2018 10:38

I don't think anyone can have dibs on a name. When I was pregnant with my first we didn't really discuss names with many people. When we named our daughter, I got a text approx. 4 hours after giving birth to her from my cousin saying she couldn't believe I had stolen her name and how selfish I was (no congratulations). A) I didn't know this was her baby name and B) she didn't have a boyfriend never mind being actually pregnant.
We had a major fall out over it and have never really recovered our relationship (we were very close)
I just think you can only pick names based on what you want, no one has dibs on any name, if you really want the name use it and just be prepared that they may too.