Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are we being unreasonable re: baby names or are they?

324 replies

HelpMeOutHereASecond · 01/08/2018 02:17

I'm pregnant, almost 6 months now. We don't know the sex and not through lack of trying. My husband's brothers on/off girlfriend is also pregnant, due a boy imminently.

Since forever, husband has always wanted to name a future son [X name] after his grandfather. Our hypothetical son has always (for years) been going to be called [X name] [Y name], after both of our grandfathers.

When we found out that BiL was expecting a baby (not himself, obviously) we had a word (she was literally 6 weeks pregnant, it's been clear right from the start) and made it clear that we were trying and that this was and had always been our plan regarding naming a boy. We also told them the name we would choose for a girl too. We haven't deviated from these names from the start. Our baby will be either, or, depending on the sex.

Tonight husband gets a text from his brother to say the on/off girlfriend (part of me suspects that it's actually him - they've been very quiet on discussing name ideas for a long time now) really wants to use [X name]. We cannot swap the names around either - they already have a son called [Y name].

We're not wrong to be angry/upset/pissed off/all of the above, right?

OP posts:
Theycouldhavechoseneve · 01/08/2018 07:53

My cousin’s wife and his sister have identical names, neither first nor surname being very commonplace. It’s funny and not a problem

Original poster
HelpMeOutHereASecond · 01/08/2018 07:57

@Theycouldhavechoseneve I took my husband's surname at marriage and became First name, Middle initial, Surname the 3rd of the family (neither a common first name or surname!) But that's fine as we dare different ages, didn't grow up together and have different social circles. Bit of a coincidence though!

OP posts:
Piffle11 · 01/08/2018 07:57

I don't think you're wrong to be pissed off, no. Especially since it sounds like they didn't have X name in mind 'til you mentioned it. But you can't really do anything about it. I would still go ahead with your chosen names regardless and make sure they are aware of this - they may be thinking that you won't use it. I used to work with a Greek girl and I think pretty much every boy in her family was called Nicholas - there was a Nick, Nicky, little Nicky, little Nick etc!! It's not ideal having them with the same name, but it's not as though they live together.

millymae · 01/08/2018 08:02

I know that lots of people like to name babies after much loved family members, but I really don't see why this is important. It doesn't mean that you loved or respected the family member any the less if you don't. I'd put good money on the fact that if the name in question wasn't nice (and I'm not prepared to give any examples of a not nice name in case I offend anyone) then this issue would not have arisen.
Lots of posters have made the point that it's BIL's relative too and that the sex of your baby hasn't been confirmed, so whilst I can see that you might be a bit miffed that BIL has got in first I don't think there is a lot you can do about it really. IMHO you are making a mountain out of molehill. BIL obviously isn't too bothered about his brother's feelings and if you and OH honestly can't think of another name you like, then call your little one the same name and have two in the family. Why would this really be an issue and if the boys end up in the same class at school so be it - it wont be the end of the world.

BettyDuMonde · 01/08/2018 08:04

Loads of kids get named after grandparents/other family members of the grandparents generation...

It’s one of the reasons you get trends of names. They’ll probably be tons of boys with the name at their school!

(Curious to see what happens when our kids have kids - there is potentially a Joanne/Nicola/Pauline - Barry/Steven/Trevor comeback on the horizon!)

strawberrisc · 01/08/2018 08:07

Given the circumstances you describe I think they are being unreasonable.

Theycouldhavechoseneve · 01/08/2018 08:08

Milly I ostensibly named my son after his deceased grandfather who wasn’t British, when in fact it’s a beautiful simple name that I loved. Didn’t shatter anyone else's Illusion though! Wink

strawberrry · 01/08/2018 08:08

On the other side I'd be pretty upset refraining from using a name and it turns out you have a girl anyway!

Loopytiles · 01/08/2018 08:08

YABU, you can’t “bagsy” a name!

XiCi · 01/08/2018 08:08

Why on earth did you mention the name to them? She probably wouldn't even have thought of the name if you hadn't put it in her head! Nothing you can do about it now. I'd just let them know that whatever happens you will be sticking with that name. Might put them off if they know you will not change your mind and they will both have the same name.

Blobbyweeble · 01/08/2018 08:10

My sister and I both have sons with the same name, neither of us mind, it never confused anyone and the boys have always been close.

ginandnappies · 01/08/2018 08:12

You don't own the name though? Just because you've agreed you both want to use it especially when you weren't even pregnant when you mentioned it to them. Sorry OP.

Soulstirring · 01/08/2018 08:12

To be honest if it’s her message to him and you’re close to BIL I’d ask him why he hasn’t said ‘it’s a nice name, yes but that’s what SIL is calling her boy won’t it be strange having two identically named children in the family?’ It’s all ok blaming her but he either wants the name or doesn’t. Sorry, OP If you’ve already made this clear. And like I say if you can have another gender scan at Mothercare or somewhere and set your mind at rest, no point worrying for the next 3months and then baby girl arrives xx

C0untDucku1a · 01/08/2018 08:15

So the whole family know the name you chose, so theyll all know you told them? Even better.

Id do as pp said and reply how cute that will be to have two cousins with the same name!

babydreamer1 · 01/08/2018 08:15

I'd be so upset if I were you! You should use it regardless, names are so important when you're pregnant, we've been referring to our little boy with his name since we found out the gender and couldn't change it now. Yes it's a family name but you made it so clear you were going to use it and there are a million others for them to choose! Call me petty but I'd be popping off for a private gender scan ASAP and then publicly announcing how excited we are to be welcoming little X November! Then they look like the tits they are if they still go ahead with it. If it's a girl then it will be harder to reserve, but I'd still use it if you have a boy in the future.

Original poster
HelpMeOutHereASecond · 01/08/2018 08:19

@Soulstirring we have had 2 anomaly scans and a private gender scan - all unable to see due to fetal positioning (despite full bladder, empty bladder, sugar, caffeine, cold water, star jumps...) Got a third and final attempt at an anomaly scan next week but the sonographer said that as it's happened 3 times, they aren't hopeful they'll get the views to look at the sex. We also have a growth scan every 4 weeks from 24 weeks (week after next) due to a health condition on my part that can affect fetal growth.

OP posts:
Original poster
HelpMeOutHereASecond · 01/08/2018 08:22

@babydreamer1 we've been warned that this is very likely to be the only pregnancy I'll be able to carry for (potentially fatal) health reasons so future names aren't really an issue.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 01/08/2018 08:22

you can't reserve names by imagining some possible future child with that name. Yet people still persist.

Shortstuff08 · 01/08/2018 08:22

babydreamer1 the op wasn't even pregnant when she bagsied the name. She doesn't even know if it's a boy.

There aren't a million other names, that the ops Dp and bils grandad was called. The ops Dp has no more right to it, than anyone else.

Trying to publicly bagsie a name is just ridiculous.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/08/2018 08:25

Blobby
But they probably have different surnames. These children will be going to the same school, maybe in the same class. It’s just not possible to do this to the children.

If they hadn’t thought of the name they are bu but there’s nothing you can do. In reality you can’t bag a name. It may well be they’d already decided on the name as a possibility before you came up with it and thought they’d find another or alternatively they didn’t know how to react when you tried to bagsy the name they’d chosen.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 01/08/2018 08:25

Tbh, I think you really overstepped the boundaries by trying to 'claim' or 'reserve' the name before you were even pregnant, although SIL was. I wouldn't be entirely surprisied if their decision stems from their anger at your arrogance in 'having a word' and expecting them to fall into line and keep the name for you.

mikeyssister · 01/08/2018 08:29

Can name be shortened or changed? For instance I know a Paul and Pauly. Ryan and Ry, William, Liam, Bill, Billy, Will and Willy - you get the drift

mikado1 · 01/08/2018 08:30

I too think speaking them at 6 weeks was odd, but if they 'agreed' it was your name (did they or were they a bit caught off guard?) I do see why you're upset. I think you probably put it into their heads, whereas if you'd said nothing they might not even have thought of it, and now, like you, they can't think of another..

If they're unlikely to stay together little cousin might not be at the same school etc. I think the breezy reply might give them the go ahead tbh, I think I'd say you're very surprised as you purposely told them the name and just see from there. Are you saying gf's ds name is your proposed second name?

For the future, I'd keep name preferences to myself and that way if there's a name you and a friend/relative both pick it's less likely to be 'copied'.

mikeyssister · 01/08/2018 08:31

And don't worry about confusion, we live in a small town and loads of people have the same name. They're all separated in one way or another.

Original poster
HelpMeOutHereASecond · 01/08/2018 08:31

@mikeyssister it's not really a shortenable name (at least not in any way that we remotely like or is easy)

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread