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AIBU?

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Original poster

Are we being unreasonable re: baby names or are they?

324 replies

HelpMeOutHereASecond · 01/08/2018 02:17

I'm pregnant, almost 6 months now. We don't know the sex and not through lack of trying. My husband's brothers on/off girlfriend is also pregnant, due a boy imminently.

Since forever, husband has always wanted to name a future son [X name] after his grandfather. Our hypothetical son has always (for years) been going to be called [X name] [Y name], after both of our grandfathers.

When we found out that BiL was expecting a baby (not himself, obviously) we had a word (she was literally 6 weeks pregnant, it's been clear right from the start) and made it clear that we were trying and that this was and had always been our plan regarding naming a boy. We also told them the name we would choose for a girl too. We haven't deviated from these names from the start. Our baby will be either, or, depending on the sex.

Tonight husband gets a text from his brother to say the on/off girlfriend (part of me suspects that it's actually him - they've been very quiet on discussing name ideas for a long time now) really wants to use [X name]. We cannot swap the names around either - they already have a son called [Y name].

We're not wrong to be angry/upset/pissed off/all of the above, right?

OP posts:
SillySallySingsSongs · 01/08/2018 08:54

You told them when she wa 6wks pregnant that they couldn't use a certain name as you wanted it for a boy if you ever had one.

That is the most ridiculous, arrogant thing I have ever read.

^ this.

LIVIA999 · 01/08/2018 08:58

In my family it's totally common for cousins to share names. Mind you we are Irish and tend to have biblical names- hence plenty of Johns, Stephens, Anthony's, so say big Anthony little Anthony, uncle tony and tony.
When my DD was born by husband wanted to name her after his granny my SIL was pregnant at same time. I felt I was happy to change to a name a bit like it. Actually I chose the Irish version then my SIL pointed out that she might not even have a girl so no one would have that name. So we went with it.
As it happened she had two boys and I had a girl and a boy so it was lucky we went with it.
I can get you are upset but I do think you both have equal right and theirs is due before.

PegLegAntoine · 01/08/2018 08:59

I'd just let them know in a breezy lighthearted way that you'll be using it too and Awww won't it be lovely having two? That way there won't be any animosity over it, if they change their minds then you've kept your dignity over it. And if they were doing it to annoy you, you haven't given them the satisfaction of throwing a wobbly.

You don't have dibs on a name but it works both ways, they can't stop you using it as well just because they're first

SadieHH · 01/08/2018 09:00

I'd be upset and I think anyone would be in RL and not the strange planet that is MN. However I'd go ahead and use it. Up to them what they do, just concentrate on your own little family. It'll work itself out.

glasserator · 01/08/2018 09:01

It sounds like in all probability these kids are not going to grow up together. I wouldn’t worry about the name.

Ginger1982 · 01/08/2018 09:03

Not quite the same but my SIL called her youngest after DH so when we're together DN gets 'baby X' It's quite endearing. Use the same name then think of a way to differentiate that's fun.

Original poster
HelpMeOutHereASecond · 01/08/2018 09:03

How did you come to that conclusion @glasserator?

OP posts:
glasserator · 01/08/2018 09:05

As an aside, “a fait de complis” is up there with a chester draws! Amazing Grin

twoshedsjackson · 01/08/2018 09:06

In one class I taught, no fewer than SIX little boys had the same first name, very popular at the time. They all had their own personalities (and different surnames) and the other children took it in their stride. The cynical part of me wonders, if the BIL's girlfriend is on/off, how much the two will cross paths in the future ( I really hope I'm wrong, for the child's sake.)
Was a bit baffled by the thinking of parents of an acquaintance at church who called both sons after DF, so three chaps with the identical name; sorting out the morning post must have been a bit of a bugger.....

glasserator · 01/08/2018 09:07

Because it’s an on off girlfriend, number one, and because of the stats on couples staying together if they’re not already married at birth. It’s a sad fact of life but the numbers speak for themselves. So call your child whatever you want Smile

Mousefunky · 01/08/2018 09:07

You had a word when she got pregnant to explain you were TTC and would definitely be using that name so they better not Hmm. Jesus, you sound slightly unhinged.

Just use the name regardless.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 01/08/2018 09:07

I can understand why people get miffed when someone "steals" their baby name, but I can't understand why they don't just go ahead and use it anyway.

You like the name.
You chose the name.
Use the name.

Let them feel miffed - if anyone is going to be put out, it needn't be you.

GreenTulips · 01/08/2018 09:08

I'd also do the breezy 'oh lovey 2 X in one family'

See what their reaction will be!

Original poster
HelpMeOutHereASecond · 01/08/2018 09:09

BiL has 50% custody of his child from a failed relationship and lives in our house. It's likely that these children are going to spend a lot of time together!!

OP posts:
AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 01/08/2018 09:09

The PP's point that most of these children's lives are alsmot certainly not going to be spent in close proximity bears repeating. So you have a few years of 'Jonny' and 'Jon' to distinguish the cousins. When they go to different secondaries, or even just get different groups of friends, part of the need for that is obviated already. Having similar names in a family is really not the end of the world. But going to them like that before you are even pregnant (whether you got pg 2 minutes, 2 weeks or 2 years thereafter is frankly irrelevant; you weren't at the time) and 'making it clear' that YOU want a particular name (even if you didn't explicitly tell them not to use it, that was what you meant, as is clear from your upset now) is the sort of thing that can damage relationships.

When I was about 8 weeks pregnant a close friend had a boy and used the boys' name that had been pretty much top of our list. I called my son something else, because I had had a rethink after her boy was born and found what turned out to be the perfect name for us. But if I'd had a rethink and still only come up with that name, I'd have used it and we would have had 'Jon' and 'Jonny', and my friend would have been fine with it and even seen it as a bit of a compliment. The boys are close friends to this day (almost 14 years later) and I think they would have liked it too :)

diddl · 01/08/2018 09:09

"at no point did we say they couldnt use the names."

So why did you tell them the names that you wanted to use?

Maybe they had already thought of it?

Shortstuff08 · 01/08/2018 09:10

It's the level of my husband's upset that has upset me most I think.

Then he needs to get a grip. Being a bit miffed is fair enough.

And tbh, doing them a huge favour, in no way makes them obliged to always let your dh have his own way. He needs to stop associating this with betrayal. It's so over the top.

Original poster
HelpMeOutHereASecond · 01/08/2018 09:11

That's right @Mousefunky, we cornered them in an alley one dark and rainy night and pulled a knife on them.

As I've clearly stated it came up in a conversation over dinner regarding names (as well as several times before that on my husband's part). We confided in them at 6 weeks that we were also trying after being medically given the green light.

OP posts:
Inertia · 01/08/2018 09:11

I would still use the name, perhaps adding another middle name.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 01/08/2018 09:12

X post - but I suspect his living in your house isn't a permanent situation? And even if it is, see 'Jon' and 'Jonny' above.

Shoxfordian · 01/08/2018 09:13

You can't reserve a name when you're not even pregnant at the time..ridiculous

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 01/08/2018 09:14

'And tbh, doing them a huge favour, in no way makes them obliged to always let your dh have his own way. He needs to stop associating this with betrayal. It's so over the top.'

I agree with this. It's sounding uncomfortably like attempted abuse of a perceived position of power.

FredaNerkk · 01/08/2018 09:17

YANBU to want to use the name you had your heart set on. But BiL may not listen. Don't worry - you've alerted them to your plans - so, if you have a DS, use the name that you like.

I agree with pps that you should reply to the text saying that you intend to use the name if you have a DS regardless what they do, and you'd appreciate them choosing another name especially as you'd alerted them to your name choice around the time you fell pregnant. Then just wait and see what happens.....

If it comes to it, having two Xs in the same family will be ok, even with lots of family events . For example, I know a couple with children from previous relationships, and two of the children coincidentally have the same name. They manage fine. The children are unfussed. And it's the couple's favourite name, so they are quite happy to have two children with that name.

Will the cousin's surnames be the same? Consider double-barrelling your child's surname so the school has some way of differentiating them.

TypicallyNorthern · 01/08/2018 09:18

OP, I would just go ahead. In my family we have a boys name that goes back generations and generations. I thought I couldn't use it because my DGF, DB and Nephew are all called this. I wanted to start the tradition in my family and pass it down. I didn't for son no.1, then son no.2 came along and I thought fuck it. I called him this, but also added another name. My family were a bit Hmm but so what. I use this name within my own little family and the outside world. Whenever I see my family it is not awkward. Just do it.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 01/08/2018 09:18

I'm actually wondering whether pregnancy hormones might be playing a part in this? My very sensible, reasonable friend started to get a bit twitchy and obsessed towards the end of get pregnancy that someone else might choose the name she wanted for her daughter. She calmed down one the child was safely named.

If your husband is seriously going into a decline about it, he needs to have a word with himself.