Are we being unreasonable re: baby names or are they?

[HelpMeOutHereASecond]

I'm pregnant, almost 6 months now. We don't know the sex and not through lack of trying. My husband's brothers on/off girlfriend is also pregnant, due a boy imminently.

Since forever, husband has always wanted to name a future son [X name] after his grandfather. Our hypothetical son has always (for years) been going to be called [X name] [Y name], after both of our grandfathers.

When we found out that BiL was expecting a baby (not himself, obviously) we had a word (she was literally 6 weeks pregnant, it's been clear right from the start) and made it clear that we were trying and that this was and had always been our plan regarding naming a boy. We also told them the name we would choose for a girl too. We haven't deviated from these names from the start. Our baby will be either, or, depending on the sex.

Tonight husband gets a text from his brother to say the on/off girlfriend (part of me suspects that it's actually him - they've been very quiet on discussing name ideas for a long time now) really wants to use [X name]. We cannot swap the names around either - they already have a son called [Y name].

We're not wrong to be angry/upset/pissed off/all of the above, right?

[whiteroseredrose]

I'd just use the name you've always planned and let them know that.


We have several Johns in our family and to distinguish in conversation they'll be Sarah's John or Jenny's John, and big John for the adult who married into the family!

[Bizzylizzyloo]

I think it's understandable that you're upset given that hey knew from the start that was your plan but unfortunately you can't claim any rights over a name, and their baby is definitely a boy and due first - they might steer clear of a name you end up not using anyway.

I don't think it's the worst thing in the world for cousins to have the same name so you can just tell them you're still planning to use it too. They may well then choose something else, and if they don't then both kids having the same name will just be something the family get used to pretty quickly.

[Shortstuff08]

When we found out that BiL was expecting a baby (not himself, obviously) we had a word (she was literally 6 weeks pregnant, it's been clear right from the start) and made it clear that we were trying and that this was and had always been our plan regarding naming a boy.

Mentioned in passing at Sunday lunch, is very different to the above.

You have no claim on the name, just because you said you wanted it first. Me and Dp are discussing having a baby. We were chatting about names and he wants to call the baby after his dad who passed away. There will be no way we would ban his sister's using the name, if they got pregnant. The name means a lot to do AND to his sister's.

[Shortstuff08]

Oh and making it clear you want to use the name doesn't give you anymore right.

[LeroyJenkins]

The child doesn't have an identity yet, let alone one picked for him/her years ago

Just use the name you want, it's not a big deal

[LeroyJenkins]

She's due their second dc in 2 months, and they've only been together 18 months/ 2 years?

Sure it's not twins?

[donkeysandzebras]

Welll you're either going to have to suck this up or go NC ... moving to the other end of the country might be a third option as it would help with the school, clubs etc issue but not the cousins with the same name issue.
You don't have rights to a name. Both your DH and his bro want to name their child after his grandfather. Why is your desire to do this any more important than theirs? If you think it is going to be confusing etc, just go for another name. Otherwise, deal with it.

[Joinourclub]

I think you are being unfair. You ‘bagsied’ the name before you were even pregnant! And a name that was equally likely to be special for/chosen by your BIL as your DH. Why do you have a greater right to use it?

It sounds like you think you have more of a right to the name as you are a better partner than the on again off again girlfriend!

I get that it’s frustrating you don’t get to use the name. But that’s life! Do you normally get your own way?

[ErictheGuineaPig]

I can't believe you tried to call dibs on the name before you were even pregnant

Utter, utter madness and really controlling. Just because they haven't discussed names with you it doesn't mean this name wasn't already in the pipeline for them, especially as it's a family name for them too.
And what does it matter if the relationship is on/off, that's completely irrelevant, the child will still be bil's.

[Shortstuff08]

It sounds like you think you have more of a right to the name as you are a better partner than the on again off again girlfriend!

^ This.

Why else would you mention it.

[Ski4130]

I'm struggling to get past the fact that as soon as you heard SIL was pregnant, you went round and told them two names you wanted to dibs, despite not even being pg yourself at the time. Did you even have time to congratulate them before you marked your naming territory?! FWIW it's also your BIL's grandfather's name, and they have as much right, if not more (pg first, actually know they're having a boy etc) to use the name. YABU.

[CheeseYesPlease]

This is why I never tell anyone the names we have chosen despite being asked lots of times someone is always going to either find a way to make fun of the name or steal the name and claim you never told them. That's extremely rude of BIL but then again it is his grandad also so can't tell him what to name his baby either.

[SunnyCoco]

YABVU

[Hideandgo]

In reality I think that the fact that you told them you wanted to use that name put it on their radar. I bet if you hadn’t, and BIL had said to gf about his grandads name, she would have been dead against it. But since you said you wanted to use it she suddenly became very interested in the name. I half think they’ll go with something else on the day and casually say something backhanded like ‘we just decided in the end that William was a bit overused’, just to take you down a peg or two about using it. Also, they (maybe just she?) will have satisfied their need to show you they’ve the upper hand and ‘won’ by making you miserable thinking they would use the name. People are very manipulative and competitive but you can always see it even if they think they have it hidden by being officially in the right.

I think they are pricks. Just smile and say ‘aw that’s a pity that there’ll be two ‘William Smiths’ but I guess it can’t be helped’ and don’t give them the satisfaction of feeling like they have one over you.

[dustarr73]

You said upthread you dont know the sex, but when everyone disagreed with you its a boy.

I know its annoying, my sil took the name i had planned for my son.First and middle name.But do you know what im glad she did, there was a few of them in his class.

Plus the baby mightnt look anything like the name..

[MrsSnootyPants2018]

This is why we never told anyone the names we decided on for DD. Once you tell them, it gets stuck in their mind and they can't decide on others.

You can't do anything about it @HelpMeOutHereASecond and it's annoying as you told them. I think if they use it, you'll just have to pick something else. If you still decide on the same and have two cousins of the same name that close in age, you'll look like the dicks not them (not fair I know).

[Echobelly]

Greek friends have told me that in their families often all the boys who are first cousins have the same name as they're named after their grandfathers! I think often they are known by different nicknames.

[notdaddycool]

After all this you’lL probably have a girl

[SpongeBobGrannyPants]

Say you're happy for them to use it, as long as they're aware that you will still be using it too if you get a boy. No big deal.

[HelpMeOutHereASecond]

I have my husband's surname so using my maiden name wouldn't work. Both children will have the same surname.

For those making it sound like we cornered them in a dark alley and warned them off the name - we let them know privately that we were actively trying and the name discussion came up over Sunday dinner with the entire family. They both said that they were cool with it - and it's not like I'm pregnant 4 years later and harbouring a grudge or anything!


For the record, I also very much like the girlfriend and have done from day one, we all have and whatever happens with their relationship long term, she will always be part of the family. We have shared interests and spend time together socially without partners quite frequently.

It's not a case of just cutting them off (why would we do that anyway?!). To give an idea of the closeness, BiL (and his child from previous relationship) have been living with us for the last 9 months during their on/off period.

I've seen the texts this morning - BiL says that gf "has decided she likes the name".

[GreatDuckCookery6211]

I think you are being unfair. You ‘bagsied’ the name before you were even pregnant! And a name that was equally likely to be special for/chosen by your BIL as your DH. Why do you have a greater right to use it?

I agree. You have no rights to a name and especially when you aren't even pregnant. That's honestly just madness.

[Sevendown]

No reason why cousins can’t have the same name.

If you are so worried about classroom confusion why not give him your surname?

[YodelOdel]

In my son's primary there were two unrelated children with the exact same name and spelling both forename and surname.

There are 5 Isabelle/Isobel/Isobelle/Isabel in one class at school. They are usually given nicknames by the teacher if they are okay with it so that the children know which Isabelle it is. Sometimes it is Isobel P or a shortened to Izzie or a completely different name altogether.

Just call your child exactly what you want to call them. A way round identifying them within the family will be found.

[ElfAndSafetyBored]

My mum said I would have been called Rachel but my cousin Rachel was born 2 months earlier than me, so I’m Rebecca.

Personally I’d just call your baby the name you want. Be prepared to have to explain to people who know both boys though, practice your shrug and try not to bleat ‘but it was our idea first’ too often.

Sounds like you have been vocal about the name you’ll use if it’s a boy anyway (continue telling everyone very loudly), so your BIL’s choice will be the one that looks odd to those in the know.

[EvaHarknessRose]

Just call their bluff and say ‘oh how lovely, they will have the same name’. If she wants a fight about it, don’t give it.