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AIBU?

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Original poster

For thinking that this man should be banned from the shop forever?

254 replies

Ilovemuesli · 29/07/2018 21:15

Hi,
So the following happened this morning and I am still in disbelief about it - and wholly disgusted with this man's attitude.

I was sitting in the cafe of a well-known supermarket with a couple of friends and my two month old DD. On the table in front of us were two girls, probably around 19/20 yrs old. They were caring for two boys who were about 9/10 years old and were obviously disabled - in wheelchairs e.t.c. The girls also had some jackets on with a charity logo printed on the back. Across the aisle from their table was a man and his wife having breakfast/coffee.

At one point one of the boys threw his bottle of pop in the air and it unfortunately hit the man's wife in her face. One of the girls immediately stood up to apologise, but the man started ranting and raving, swearing at the two girls who were looking after these boys and shouting at full volume that the children "should be made to leave" and that "they don't belong here". It was very upsetting for the poor children - it took a long time after the man had eventually left for the girls to calm the children down - the boy who threw the pop was particularly distressed.

The cafe assistant fetched the manager who took them aside for a private word then came to see the two girls and apologised, also saying that the wife had asked for a first aider but other than that there was nothing they could do for a genuine accident.

AIBU to still be outraged at this man's behaviour? In my opinion he should be banned from ever entering the shop again - I haven't really described everything he was shouting at them - and also me when I told him he should be ashamed of himself and his behaviour (I may have called him ignorant) It was clear that it was an accident, while I understand it won't have been nice to have had a bottle of pop hit you in the face, but demanding that the children be removed and that they don't belong in the same place as everyone else? In my opinion - he is an absolute disgraceful/disgusting human being. How dare he say that those children shouldn't be allowed in there? It was blatantly obvious that they were disabled and needed extra care, and the girl/carer had tried to apologise straightaway, but the language, the volume and the content of what he was saying is still making my blood boil nearly 11 hours later !

Sorry for the rant! Please tell me if I'm overreacting (!)

OP posts:
Awwlookatmybabyspider · 29/07/2018 22:21

Well that's '"Big 'ard blokes" for you, Flesh.
They run for cover when someone their own size stands up to them.

user764329056 · 29/07/2018 22:21

What a fucking idiot

DiabolicalMess · 29/07/2018 22:22

Agree with PPs. I too would have been very cross as it could have been quite a nasty injury depending on how full the bottle was, but that man handled it like a complete wanker with his disablist comments and needed pulling up on it.

Aridane · 29/07/2018 22:23

That sounds really quite dangerous. If they aren’t being supervised properly then I have to agree that they shouldn’t be in the cafe. But yes a lot of disablist twattery from woman’s DH

IAmtheOompahLoompah · 29/07/2018 22:24

I honestly have no idea how I’d react in that situation.

I think both sides need to be a bit understanding of each other. Special needs deserve understanding, and so does the fact that nobody is at their best when hit in the face unexpectedly by a random object (or when witnessing this happening to a loved one).

I’m not excusing him at all, I’m simply saying that these were pretty dramatic circumstances. Mother Theresa might have kept her cool; I doubt I would have.

jay55 · 29/07/2018 22:24

What if it had been your baby hit in the face with a flying bottle? Would you have reacted kindly with understanding?

IAmtheOompahLoompah · 29/07/2018 22:26

I like to think he learnt a thing or two that day.

You realise he might have had SN too? Hmm

Barbie222 · 29/07/2018 22:26

You can generally only put something on a risk assessment if there's a risk of it happening - if someone's never flipped a bottle before it's discriminatory to pour drinks into sippy cups or say that they can't have access to cutlery etc. You need the behaviour to drive the risk assessment really, I don't imagine they'll have access to bottled drinks again.

RiceBurner · 29/07/2018 22:27

Hard to say without being there.

On the surface, I do have some sympathy with the woman who got hit and ergo her DH.

The 2 young girls may have been doing a good job or maybe they were just being lazy and using the cafe as a parking area instead of taking their charges somewhere where they might not cause as much trouble.

Throwing a missile is not really OK. Yes they are disabled but their carers should be more careful ... in future.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 29/07/2018 22:27

Also If you think about it and I know this may sound dramatic to some but The bottle could very well caused a fatality.

fleshmarketclose · 29/07/2018 22:28

No I don't think it does at all Boney. My father wanted an apology, he wouldn't ever have hit him he was just a big man whose size was intimidating. The difference in size between df and the bloke wasn't as big as the difference between the bloke and ds who he frightened. He didn't hurt him he held him in a bear hug whilst he asked for his apologies. He owed apologies and he gave them and that was the end of it. Df's warning was nothing more than a flea in his ear.

NotAsGreenAsCabbageLooking · 29/07/2018 22:28

The bloke may not have meant his comments as ‘all disabled people don’t belong here’ but rather ‘disabled people that cannot be controlled enough to prevent injuries to others don’t belong here’.

I’m guessing he was distressed that this had just happened to his wife, and probably wasn’t able to voice his concerns 100% articulately at this point. Or maybe he actually is a bit of a dick, who knows?

I wouldn’t expect to be hit in the face with anything whilst sitting in a cafe either. I don’t blame him for being pissed off.

I feel sorry for the carers and their wards, but really... this scenario should not have happened.

MrMeSeeks · 29/07/2018 22:32

He shouldn't have said what he did ( if he meant it about disabled kids) however his wife had been
Hit in the face which you do appear to be glossing over.
A bruise isn’t nothing.
My dh wouldn’t be happy as this would be absolute agony for me.

BoneyBackJefferson · 29/07/2018 22:32

fleshmarketclose

He assaulted someone, intimidated them then threatened them with further violence.

But we will have to agree to disagree on the finite points.

Byebyebye · 29/07/2018 22:32

Hmm what he said wasn’t okay but when your wife (or yourself) has just been assaulted you usually aren’t the best version of yourself.

I once got pushed into the road by a man with special needs luckily there wasn’t a car or I would have most likely been dead. I had some choice words for his carer.

GreenMeerkat · 29/07/2018 22:32

I can understand his anger, but his comments were unacceptable.

Lethaldrizzle · 29/07/2018 22:33

He was a twat. No excuses

Original poster
Ilovemuesli · 29/07/2018 22:33

Fair enough, I knew nothing about the man, his wife or what is going on in their lives. And I have minimised the impact of being hit by a pop bottle going by the times when it has happened to me (used to work in a cafe - so it has happened to me a couple of times!)

Also I can see yes the children should have been supervised more closely, particularly if they have a tendency to throw things. But on the other hand, maybe they didn't have a tendency to throw things and that this was a first for them. Who knows?

I can see my original post was perhaps a bit too ranty/not understanding of people's situations.... if the bottle had hit me or my child, despite knowing it was an accident, I would have been very upset/very angry with the carers, but I would never have inferred that the children should not be allowed in the cafe with everyone else because of their additional needs. They had every right to be there, in my opinion.

OP posts:
Mammyloveswine · 29/07/2018 22:40

What if the pop bottle had knocked over a scalding hot pot of tea?? The child was obviously not being watched when he threw the pop bottle (I can stop my toddler throwing stuff by watching him).

Sounds like the man was shocked... He shouldn't have ranted like that but sometimes people say things they don't mean. If my baby was hit by a bottle (or God forbid had a hot drink knocked over them) i would be absolutely livid!

9amTrain · 29/07/2018 22:42

What use would a first aider be for a bruised cheek?

Yanbu anyway.

Duskqueen · 29/07/2018 22:42

If his wife was ill etc the he should have had a bit more respect for others that are. It depends what the boys disability was as to wether he actually had full control of what he was doing. If I had heard someone say that to someone with a disability I would have been fuming as my brother has Cerebral Palsy. The man was just plain rude and living in the dark ages where disabled people were locked up never to be seen like a dirty secret. YANBU OP.

IAmtheOompahLoompah · 29/07/2018 22:47

OP don’t be too hard in yourself either way, it sounds like a very ugly and stressful scene for everyone present.

SummerIsEasy · 29/07/2018 22:51

Was it a glass bottle or a plastic bottle? If the woman was on medication such as warfarin, a glass bottle would cause massive bruising. It might also be enough to fracture a cheekbone. Had a glass bottle hit a small baby's skull, this could cause serious injuries and the parents would rightly have been calling the Police. A plastic bottle would not have the same impact.

As others have said, people who are known to throw things around are probably not at their best in a crowded cafe environment. More than likely the carers wanted to go there and could have chosen a more suitable venue.

Fabricwitch · 29/07/2018 22:53

YABU
The man probably over-reacted but his wife did get hit in the head with a bottle. His comment alone doesn't sound like he thinks disabled people shouldn't be allowed in the cafe, just that people who throw bottles shouldn't, which is fairly reasonable. The kids should have been better supervised.
What would they ban him for?
It's also quite hard to implement bans so generally will only be done for very serious incidents to keep the list of photos small enough that staff can remember the banned customers!

NameChangeUni · 29/07/2018 22:59

What upset me the most was how he went on about how they didn't belong in the cafe and should be removed

Err, that doesn’t mean that he was referring to them being disabled surely? He could have meant that they should leave because they’re behaving badly. Disabled or not, people can still be overly noisy and inappropriate in public - it’s not a free pass for throwing a bottle a someone’s face. I don’t blame the man for speaking up for his wife. It seems that the kids were more rowdy than you were suggesting, and the bottle hitting his wife was the straw that broke the camel’s back?

Whilst I understand that being disabled (or a carer) isn’t easy and the general public can be vile and nasty, I also don’t think that the general public should just put up with bottles (etc) being thrown at them. There’s a line to be drawn surely. If the boys couldn’t adjust or be comfortable in the cafe, their carers/parents should have taken them home or somewhere else for the kids sake really - no point forcing them to stay somewhere that makes them anxious or triggers them.