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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH withdrawing cash behind my back

627 replies

FuckingDH · 29/07/2018 06:28

Reading my bank statement I've seen a few cash withdrawals the last couple of months that I didn't recognise but I thought it was me being forgetful
Yesterday when trying to pay at the shop, I couldn't find my card and DH suddenly took it out of his wallet and said He had found it earlier at the kitchen floor. My card was declined by the way although I was convenced I had funds

Not sure why this morning I woke up all suspicious, I checked my bank account again and I had a cash withdraw again same time as he went out before we go to the shop
I'm fucking pissed off 17 years together and now I started doubting other things as well. If he can lie about this God knows what else he's done
So:

  1. Do I confront him which he ll probably deny or
  2. Do I change the PIN and see what happens when the little fucker tries to take money
WWYD
OP posts:
bastardkitty · 29/07/2018 06:31

Changing the PIN sounds like a good first step. Don't warn him, as he's been doing this without your consent. How's the rest of your relationship?

cook64 · 29/07/2018 06:31

change your pin see if he asks and get another account

EmUntitled · 29/07/2018 06:35

Presumably you have separate accounts. It sounds like there is some background here as you seem very angry about (in my opinion) a relatively minor issue. How much money did he withdraw and do you have any idea why? Could he have a debt you aren't aware of?

You should speak to him but I think "confronting" and accusing him is the wrong approach as he will shut down and deny it. Go in calmly with the facts. "I've noticed some money has gone missing from the account, do you have any idea about that?"

Subtlecheese · 29/07/2018 06:35

Definitely change the pin. Don't tell him that.
Also another route would be to highlight all the suspicious transactions and tell him it looks like you have to contact the bank.
Which, if he is being truthful you would need to.

cricketmum84 · 29/07/2018 06:38

I think @Subtlecheese is into something there! Definitely mention there are some transactions on your statement that you don't recognise and that you are going to ask them to open a fraud case.

afreshnewname · 29/07/2018 06:38

I’m not sure how it’s a minor issue that her husband is stealing from her and lying about it? That’s pretty sneaky and I wouldn’t tolerate it

What did he say when your card was declined did he offer to pay?

raviolidreaming · 29/07/2018 06:41

I’m not sure how it’s a minor issue that her husband is stealing from her and lying about it

Indeed. This isn't a minor issue at all.

Original poster
FuckingDH · 29/07/2018 06:42

Thanks all

EmUntitled how is that minor? Are my standards too high for me to think it's unethical DH taking my money without my knowledge ?

Relationship ok, usual stuff kids work stress
He did have a couple of late working nights, for which for the first time in so many years I got suspicious but then I brushed off

Change PIN then and not confront? So never confront? Pretend it didn't happen?

OP posts:
Original poster
FuckingDH · 29/07/2018 06:42

Sorry forgot to add just being checking july's transaction only is about 200 quid

OP posts:
WhatAnAbsolutePenis · 29/07/2018 06:44

How much is he taking out?

This is so very odd. So this is your own personal account that he’s taking cash from?
So he’s stealing from you?

LongSummerDays · 29/07/2018 06:45

Also another route would be to highlight all the suspicious transactions and tell him it looks like you have to contact the bank

This. Especially as you thought you had enough for the shopping and you got declined.

MissHemsworth · 29/07/2018 06:46

Does he have his own account, if so is he short of funds?

Deffo change your PIN & see what happens next.

Can you access his phone to have a snoop at all? Seems a bit suspicious he is withdrawing money on the sly & is suddenly working nights. Don't brush it off OP but don't let on to him that you are a bit suspicious.

Original poster
FuckingDH · 29/07/2018 06:47

Definitely mention there are some transactions on your statement that you don't recognise and that you are going to ask them to open a fraud case
Good idea, i know which cash machine he used , it says it on the statement, I might say I ll get bank to ask council to show them footage of the camera above that area
... it ll probably sound stupid, but I might go for it

OP posts:
AJPTaylor · 29/07/2018 06:47

it seems bizarre behaviour.
i would tell him your card was declined unexpectedly, you have noticed unexplained activity on your acvount and have reported it to the bank. they may require you to report to police/look at images of who used the machine
his reaction will tell you what you need to know.
other than that wtaf? why would he start doing such a thing? gambling?

Ractify · 29/07/2018 06:48

I'd change the pin, go through the statements to find any withdrawals you can't definitely recall making and total them up, then confront him when he gets the shits because he can't get any money out.

I really hope you were able to get your shopping, it's horrible when a card is declined and you are convinced you had money in there.....

sanityisamyth · 29/07/2018 06:48

My ExH did this. He was financially abusive, and stopped me from getting internet banking etc. and we didn't get paper statements. I didn't realise his salary didn't go into the joint account, but he would use my card to withdraw cash. I lost count of the number of times I'd try to buy petrol/food etc. and my card wasn't in my purse.

After we separated I got hold of every bank statement since we opened the account 8 years previously. I calculated that he withdrew £56,000 in cash over that time, when his salary didn't go in to the account.

Definitely change your PIN.

speakout · 29/07/2018 06:48

Is this your account he is withdrawing money from? Or a joint account?

What is the context of all this?

AintNobodyHereButUsChickens · 29/07/2018 06:49

So only Julys is £200? What does the full amount add up to?

Original poster
FuckingDH · 29/07/2018 06:50

WhatAnAbsolutePenis it's about 200 just for July. I don't want to go back too many months I might freak out

He has money, we have lots of expenses but he makes good money and he s paying for most of our outgoing . Yes separate account so yes seems like stealing

OP posts:
Ractify · 29/07/2018 06:53

OP, the ATMs here have their own camera, so the bank would have an image of the person doing the withdrawals. If you are going to tell him that you are getting the Bank to open a fraud case (which you could do), you could also say that you were going to the bank branch to look at their video footage of the withdrawals to see if you know the person.....

OrchidInTheSun · 29/07/2018 06:53

He's stealing from you and gaslighting you. Does he have form for this kind of thing?

billybagpuss · 29/07/2018 06:54

Yes I agree with the telling him you're going to report it option but change the PIN anyway.

In our house it would be a minor issue (although I'd question the amount thats loads) as everything is joint anyway, but If its your sole account thats a different matter, I couldn't do that even with permission from DH as it invalidates any protection the bank offers if anything does happen and its not my account to use. If you have divulged your PIN to a third party and the bank they will not pay out on any fraudulent transactions.

Original poster
FuckingDH · 29/07/2018 06:54

AJPTaylor This is what I had in mind when another PP said something similar. I ll see how he reacts

Problem is that I trusted him by default after so long ,now I start doubting everything 🙁
suddenly not trusting you OH is shit

OP posts:
MayhemandMadness01 · 29/07/2018 06:55

Are you sure its him? Is there anyone else who it could be?

Pengggwn · 29/07/2018 06:55

Your account? Of course it is stealing.