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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH withdrawing cash behind my back

627 replies

FuckingDH · 29/07/2018 06:28

Reading my bank statement I've seen a few cash withdrawals the last couple of months that I didn't recognise but I thought it was me being forgetful
Yesterday when trying to pay at the shop, I couldn't find my card and DH suddenly took it out of his wallet and said He had found it earlier at the kitchen floor. My card was declined by the way although I was convenced I had funds

Not sure why this morning I woke up all suspicious, I checked my bank account again and I had a cash withdraw again same time as he went out before we go to the shop
I'm fucking pissed off 17 years together and now I started doubting other things as well. If he can lie about this God knows what else he's done
So:

  1. Do I confront him which he ll probably deny or
  2. Do I change the PIN and see what happens when the little fucker tries to take money
WWYD
OP posts:
Troels · 29/07/2018 07:17

Bizarre thing or hin to do. Is he annoyed you are now earing more money and is taking "his share" thinking you owe him?

Crystalblue13 · 29/07/2018 07:18

That’s awful op! I think you should change your pin and then tell him that you’ve noticed money going missing from your account and see his reaction.

footballmum · 29/07/2018 07:19

I’m sorry but maybe I’ve missed something here? Why don’t you just ask him? You say he’s paying for most of the household outgoing. Has he overextended himself but is too embarrassed to admit it? Not saying that his actions are acceptable or the way to deal with it or course!! If your marriage is otherwise ok I’m struggling to understand why some posters are immediately shouting financial abuse and coming up with convoluted ways to catch him out!! Just speak to him!

Stuckinthis · 29/07/2018 07:24

To those saying why not ask him - it’s very clear he will lie. He had an opportunity when handing OP her card to say ‘oh, I had your card as I needed money for x’. He didn’t do this so he’s not going to come clean if OP just asks.

I definitely agree with telling him that you’ve raised a fraud case and change your PIN regardless.

bubbles108 · 29/07/2018 07:25
  1. Change pin
  2. Check withdrawals which you didn't make, highlight them
  3. Go into bank
  4. Ask bank to check who made withdrawals via ATM camera
  5. Get money back from DH through the banks Fraud Team
  6. LTB
footballmum · 29/07/2018 07:28

Why is it “clear he will lie” Stuck? Not being snippy-that’s why I think I might have missed something? OP doesn’t seem to indicate he’s abusive in any other way or that there are problems in the marriage?

Stormwhale · 29/07/2018 07:29

I would absolutely go down the line of telling him you have been defrauded and had hundreds stolen from you. Tell him you are so glad the banks all have cctv and will be able to see who it is taking the money. Watch him squirm op!!

TheGoodEnoughWife · 29/07/2018 07:29

The OP won't get the money back in any way from the fraud team since she has told her 'd'h her pin.

Op - change your pin, tell dh you are concerned about your account and infer you are taking it up with the bank.
This is not a minor thing. He is stealing from you and that is really not good at all.

43percentburnt · 29/07/2018 07:29

If you think he will deny it then call his bluff. say you have called the bank to report a series of cash withdrawals that you know you didn’t make. Say that it has been passed over to their fraud department and they will be calling back after looking at the cash machine footage. Say you have been told you will then need to report it to the police in order to get a crime reference number.

The question is, why would he deny it? Surely if you asked him he would tell you.

Is he struggling with paying the bills? Do you have a mortgage and do you 100% know it is paid on time every month?

Yokatsu · 29/07/2018 07:30

Run like the fucking wind.

If he is doing this he has absolutely no respect for you, no boundaries and no morals. He would rather convince you you are nuts than admit hes taking money from you.

Not a big deal? Whoever said that must be absolutely nuts.

Theres no point in changing you pin unless you cover it perfectly every single time you use it when hes around and remove contactless.

Its financial abuse and gaslighting on an epic scale. If you start looking i'd put money on you finding other insidious emotional and financial abuse and control. Id be surprised if there were hidden loans. Hes diverting family money why would he stop at one way?

I never worked out at the time it was my "D"H nicking my card. Only finally worked it out when alot worse came to light and we divorced.

AStatelyPleasureDome · 29/07/2018 07:30

I would change the PIN and report it to the bank. It is fraud and theft and in my view it's worse than theft by a stranger.

Stuckinthis · 29/07/2018 07:33

@footballmum because he has already lied about why he had the card in the first place.

I’m not saying he is (or isn’t) abusive but he did already have the opportunity to admit that he’s taken money and decided to lie instead. Why would he suddenly come clean if OP asks now?

PerfectlyImperfectx · 29/07/2018 07:35

Very odd behaviour by your DH. Does he perhaps think you wouldn’t notice?

Op, I work for a Bank and can tell you that your bank will not open a fraud case for cash withdrawals as they are a chip and pin transaction. Therefore someone must know your PIN. Unless you legitimately believe that someone has cloned your card.

Also, the bank will not show you CCTV. Your only option in RL would be to report to the police so tell your DH that you will be reporting to the police as someone has taken cash out without your knowledge. Hope this helps and you get to the bottom of it! If you have any more questions please ask

WhentheDealGoesDown · 29/07/2018 07:37

Did you tell him the pin or did he find it out. You really shouldn't tell anyone your pin, you are also not able to use fingerprint id on your phone for banking if anyone else's fingerprint is on there.

footballmum · 29/07/2018 07:39

I suppose I’m thinking that if she directly confronts him and he doesn’t fess up then she can say that she’ll have to raise a fraud case with the bank and he’ll know he’s going to be rumbled. It just sounds more to me like someone who might be in financial trouble and trying to cover his tracks than outright financial abuse. I might have read it wrong though and he might be a complete arse but until the OP directly confronts him there’s no way of knowing.

Lockheart · 29/07/2018 07:41

If the OP has given him her pin, it’s not fraud and the fraud team will not be interested, and the bank will not refund the money.

Banks also do not have cctv footage of every atm in the country. You might be able to ask them to review footage of certain atms if they have it, but they won’t give it to you. They would give it to the police, but they won’t give it to any one who wanders in and asks.

Honestly OP the best bet is to change your pin and sit down with him and the statements.

Shortstuff08 · 29/07/2018 07:43

I would go down the route of telling him it's been reported to the bank.

But if you earn good money, why is he paying most of the bills? Is this where this situation is starting from?

Bluntness100 · 29/07/2018 07:43

I'm fairly shocked anyone would think this is minor, or that it was in any way justifiable. It's not even about the money as such, it's the dishonesty, taking her card in secret, taking money, lying about why he has the card.

If you think he will lie then yes, simply give him the opportunity to. Ask him if he's withdrawn money, if the answer he gives is no, tell him you are contacting the bank to report fraud as you suspect someone has used your card, and explain innocently they have cameras so can track it down.

I'd assume he will try to convince you you took the money out and forgot.

WhentheDealGoesDown · 29/07/2018 07:43

Yes you can't waste the banks time with fraud cases when it is not fraud, how can it be fraud if he knows the pin, unless she didn't divulge the pin.

PerfectlyImperfectx · 29/07/2018 07:43

Yes, totally agree footballmum. If he was in financial trouble, in my experience he wouldn’t withdraw cash from his wife’s account. He would most likely withdraw cash on a credit card or take a secret payday loan out at 1000000%. My first thought would be drug habit.. I see this happen all too often, after a while you get quite good at spotting signs

lapenguin · 29/07/2018 07:44

Does seem very strange. Especially if he has been working late...
Maybe he's struggling financially and doesn't want to tell you
But then that's not healthy for a relationship either.

loveisland · 29/07/2018 07:45

You got to confront him, this isn't fair on you! The way he's taking the card on the sly is stealing!

Tiredtomybones · 29/07/2018 07:46

Yanbu.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 29/07/2018 07:48

Read the OP Alberta?

DoinItForTheKids · 29/07/2018 07:49

Blimey some PPs, OP GAVE HER HUSBAND THE PIN!!!! She can only threaten the step of opening a fraud case/reporting to the police to her DH, she can't actually do it. She was trusting (as you should be able to be in a relationship) and he's turned into an arse and took massive liberties with her money.

If of course she didn't give him her PIN (which is not how it reads) then she can actually go ahead and actually do what she's going to threaten to do. But it doesn't sound like that's the case.

She stops it by changing the PIN right now, she casually makes the non confrontational statement about reporting to the bank, opening a fraud case, reporting to the police and she checks to see exactly how much she can deduce he's taken.

She watches his reaction to her 'planned' way of dealing with the matter and that will tell her everything she needs to know. More than likely she then either packs a bag and tosses him out or, depending on personal financial arrangements re the house etc, she instead goes to a solicitor and starts the 'getting your ducks in a row' process - before packing a bag and tossing him out. She can always use the threat of a theft charge with the police as motivation if she needs to - she may have given him her PIN but he took money without her permission - that's theft (again, she doesn't have to go through with it).