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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH withdrawing cash behind my back

627 replies

FuckingDH · 29/07/2018 06:28

Reading my bank statement I've seen a few cash withdrawals the last couple of months that I didn't recognise but I thought it was me being forgetful
Yesterday when trying to pay at the shop, I couldn't find my card and DH suddenly took it out of his wallet and said He had found it earlier at the kitchen floor. My card was declined by the way although I was convenced I had funds

Not sure why this morning I woke up all suspicious, I checked my bank account again and I had a cash withdraw again same time as he went out before we go to the shop
I'm fucking pissed off 17 years together and now I started doubting other things as well. If he can lie about this God knows what else he's done
So:

  1. Do I confront him which he ll probably deny or
  2. Do I change the PIN and see what happens when the little fucker tries to take money
WWYD
OP posts:
Justanothernameonthepage · 29/07/2018 07:51

I honestly would call the card number to report transactions (ideally while you know he's in the house). Get them to send a new card and pin and start a fraud case. I'd also warn him that someone's cloned your card, but the bank are going to check CCTV.
And on Monday, go talk to a financial advisor, solicitor so you have options and can decide what to do when the truth and the reasons come out

Justanothernameonthepage · 29/07/2018 07:52

Oh ok, well if she can't start a fraud case, she can at least on the phone loudly ask them to start it (and not mention to DH that they said it's not possible).

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 29/07/2018 07:52

footballmum because he'd lie. He's already said he found the OP's card on the kitchen floor.

PerfectlyImperfectx · 29/07/2018 07:52

DoinItForTheKids
Spot on.

WhentheDealGoesDown · 29/07/2018 07:53

You can't start a fraud case if you give someone the pin and suspect they are taking the money, if you did then you would be committing fraud yourself as they will ask if anyone knows the pin.

Yokatsu · 29/07/2018 07:53

Bank wont be interested (because hell say she gave him her pin)

Police wont be interested (because hell say she gave him her pin) and theft between husband and wife cant technically happen because you are one legal entity.

Confronting an abusive man is such a fantastic strategy. At the very best they will lie their way out of it, at wose they will go on the (emotional) offensive. This won't be pleasent at all for the OP

It just sounds more to me like someone who might be in financial trouble

This was the tack ExH used. It was amazing how many people believed him, especially when he cried (on cue). But truth was we should have been very financially sound with what we had coming in and it became rapidly apparent hed been diverting money a multitude of ways for years. I still have no idea where it was going to.

Its a hit like soneone saying its only a push of a slap... not that bigger deal.

Its abuse. If it hasnt got worse it will. The OP may decide to stay but the OP needs to know how little she can protect herself if she does.

If he moves onto doing it with her credit card it can get very much worse indeed.

ThatsWotSheSaid · 29/07/2018 07:53

I think the bigger issue is why is he taking without letting you know? I think gambling. If it was another woman or escorts he would just use his own cash. If he is resorting to sterling from you he is really desperate. I think your about to open a huge financial can of worms here OP. Does he open your mail? Does he have credit cards? I would be extremely worried.

WhentheDealGoesDown · 29/07/2018 07:55

Does he know your passwords also, that is another thing you should not divulge

Canwejustrelaxnow · 29/07/2018 08:00

Change your pin. Print out statements and highlight transactions unaccounted for. Leave this on kitchen table and tell dh what you've found. Blag that you've reported to.bank. After a few days blag that the bank has reviewed cctv footage and have passed to police as it shows a man taking the money. Give it one more day then tell him you've been invited in to see if you can identify the man. At any point he should cave and confess. Surely he must be sweating anyway seeing as your card was declined.

LagunaBubbles · 29/07/2018 08:01

Why would he do this if he has his own account and plenty of money? Something else must be going on, surely he would realise you would notice?

footballmum · 29/07/2018 08:01

I’m just agog that anyone in this situation, in a marriage, wouldn’t go to their husband and say, “Have you been taking money out of my bank account?” Then if he denies it point out all of the evidence and then ask him again. It’s called a conversation.

Dreadful that you’d instantly start with trying to catch him out rather than actually talk to him and try and find out why he’s doing it? I’m not saying he’s innocent and he might be a two timing, gambling drug addict and OP may want to then LTB. But in the real world. where people in relationships actually talk to one another, there’s a serious conversation to be had. Don’t forget debt issues are behind a lot of male suicides and this could be the action of someone who is desperate and in crisis. I don’t know and neither do any of us on here but I completely disagree that the OP should do anything before talking to her husband.

Abetes · 29/07/2018 08:03

Change your pin straightaway. Tell him you’ve got money missing from your account and that you are going to report it to the bank/police and see what happens.

Trialsmum · 29/07/2018 08:03

He’s stealing from you but why? If it was an affair surely he’d just use his own money? Gambling? Lost his job and doesn’t want to tell you?

Raffles1981 · 29/07/2018 08:03

My ex husband was emotionally abusive and he would do the same to me. When I left him, I discovered he had six credit cards (in his own name thankfully) and they were maxed out. He then let my credit card limit go up and an up - they would send letters saying it was being increased - I had no idea. Definitely change your pin. At least you were smart enough to keep your own account. You have control in that respect.

Shoxfordian · 29/07/2018 08:05

Do you have any other cards he might know the pin for? Get them all changed as well as any passwords he might know.

This is such a horrible breach of trust op

omgimhavingababy · 29/07/2018 08:07

Definitely go back and check everything...it is important to know the facts even if that is difficult to take. And I would go down the route of telling him you are reporting some fraud on your account and asking if the banks can check their cameras. Pretend that you think someone has made a duplicate of your card or something. This must be so upsetting for you OP..so so sorry!

CitySnicker · 29/07/2018 08:09

Have u leant him the card in the past to use?
I would say you would find it very hard to prove you hadn’t given him consent to use it either way (unless he admits stealing to the bank / police).
Talking from experience & talking to a solicitor (scotland).

geekone · 29/07/2018 08:11

OP I am trying to be devils advicate here. Do you think there is a possibility he has got himself into some financial trouble and is desperate and ashamed?
How has your relationship been otherwise?
Is this something you wouldn’t put past him (eg is a CF generally)?

I think you would know deep down. If my DH (though we share finances and he’s really not the “in trouble” type) was taking my money there would be a bloody good reason and I would be worried for him if I found out.

Good luck op.

Nishky · 29/07/2018 08:12

footballmum I agree - what is the point of all this passive aggressive talking loudly on the phone to the bank about fraud- just bloody ask him!

If my husband was doing this my first reaction would be to worry what was going on and get to the bottom of it so we could sort it out.

geekone · 29/07/2018 08:13

I don’t necessarily mean you should be worried he might just be a Cocklodger. Then you need to ltb! Was just going for perspective

BrokenWing · 29/07/2018 08:15

Change pin. Get him alone and ask him if he has been taking money from your account and talk about it. If he denies or tries to make you think you withdrew it then tell him money is missing and you need to report it to the bank.

When you talk do not accept anything other than the complete truth. Why was he lying by repeatedly taking your card and pretending you had lost it. Why did he need more money. If you have separate finances I would be really concerned he is in trouble financially, has a gambling problem or is just a bit weird and enjoys the thrill of taking your money without telling you.

ainsisoisje · 29/07/2018 08:15

Think you should check how much he has taken in total but sounds like he feels he is owed in some way and this is his underhand way of getting it. The fact he is hiding it means he knows he is in the wrong but can’t help himself. My dad used to siphon money from my parents rental properties whilst not giving her any. He felt he was owed and being an unhappy man it was his warped way of getting his due.

footballmum · 29/07/2018 08:15

Thanks Nishky thought I was going mad there!

Thatssomebadhatharry · 29/07/2018 08:16

I’m confused as you seem to suggest affair with the working late comment. It really makes no sense that he would steal your money to do this. Him doing it as he thinks you have some to space since his new job. Gambling addiction would be my bet. I realise it’s the same as affair in terms of keeping deductions secret but addiction provides points to him not having enough cash so stealing yours.

longwayoff · 29/07/2018 08:17

Gambling. Secure your account before he clears it out. Check any joint accounts and any jewellery you happen to have. Good luck.