DH withdrawing cash behind my back

[FuckingDH]

Reading my bank statement I've seen a few cash withdrawals the last couple of months that I didn't recognise but I thought it was me being forgetful
Yesterday when trying to pay at the shop, I couldn't find my card and DH suddenly took it out of his wallet and said He had found it earlier at the kitchen floor. My card was declined by the way although I was convenced I had funds

Not sure why this morning I woke up all suspicious, I checked my bank account again and I had a cash withdraw again same time as he went out before we go to the shop
I'm fucking pissed off 17 years together and now I started doubting other things as well. If he can lie about this God knows what else he's done
So:

1. Do I confront him which he ll probably deny or
2. Do I change the PIN and see what happens when the little fucker tries to take money

WWYD

I didn't say what he's doing is decent. I'm just saying after 17 yrs and no previous abusive behaviour it warrants a conversation. OP will likely get answers a lot quicker than trying to catch him out with pretend conversations to the bank or mock confusion about what's happening.

Of course he could still lie and then this may well be just the tip of the iceberg. It's worth asking is all I mean. Change PIN first as if he does lie outright when asked he'll know it's only a matter of time before it all comes out and he may try to take significantly more.

Jesus, this is appalling. If I were you, OP, I'd be rethinking everything. I'm so sorry.

Good luck this morning OP

I don’t see how this can end well, taking £200 without your permission and after taking your card from your purse sounds quite calculating. He wasn’t at a petrol station without his wallet and found your card in the car.

Yokatsu

It is a sole administrator account without the access to the other administrator account as there was a security thing about that fairly recently and I made sure it was all locked down, mainly for if it was stolen, not because of DH .

nishky same thing.it was devastating to watch.it broke her apart.she was the nicest person that found herself in the worst situation.and then it just spirals.you lie then cant tell.then the shame so you have to lie.and then more shame.until it builds and builds.there is so much shame when it comes to money.so much guilt.and fear makes people do things they would never dream of.

Just to confirm with what some other people have stated. As you gave him your pin (I’m presuming from your posts) neither police nor bank will do anything - even though he was withdrawing without permission, consent or knowledge.
Sorry this has happened to you

Have you checked his accounts? Is he hiding any paperwork?

I wasn’t going to post this because it’s a bit outing and not my story but I’ve changed a few details to give an example of a different scenario.

A close friend’s brother comitted suicide last year. He left a note “confessing” to the reasons. He had a little business that ran into financial trouble so he started taking money out of the joint savings to prop his business up. Then he started to worry that his wife would notice the savings going down so he took money out of th children’s savings account to cover it. He soon felt guilty about that so he took out a credit card, withdrew cash and replenished the children’s accounts. The he carried on using credit cards to cover his debts until he couldn’t cover the minimum payments. He said in his letter that he was too ashamed and embarrassed to tell his wife or ask for help but had kind of hoped that someone would find out. No one did and sadly he could see no other way out. They had 3 children under the age of 10

I’m not saying that’s what is going on here but I wanted to offer those baying for blood a different perspective. Desperate people do desperate things.

Anyway no point in any of us keep guessing unless or until the OP comes back to update.

if a lady came on here begging for help.telling us she was in debt and didn't no how to get out.she was scared and after 27 years of marriage couldn't stand to admit this to her husband.she was ashame and guilty and so have been trying to cover it keep thinking she will be able to get it under control.
shes scared of what will happen if he found out so she has lied to him about where the card is.
she never done anything wrong in their marriage before and now doesn't no how to stop or tell him.
would we all be telling her she was a stealing bastard we wish her husband sneakily catches her out soon and watched her squirm in the process.

I would say you're worried about card fraud etc. and watch the reaction. But he has broken trust, no getting away from that. Very sad.

kateandme clutching at straws a bit there yeah?

footballmum same with my above post.she killed herself too.and her husband.he did feel anger and will continue to but more so because he loved her more than life and wish he could have helped.wished he could have sved her because he could have,if only shed managed to tell someone.
and if you read in the news this is happening more and more frequently in current times.
he could be all pp are saying her is.but equally he could not be and it could be such a very sad situation indeed.one where the two will need eacother not want to seek revenge on eachother.or be spiteful

peakpants why? because I see a different view to yours.because ive seen it happen and is different to what you all have assume of the dp.
not clutching just different view and not wrong.just like you may or may not be

I've not read the full thread so sorry if this has already been discussed, but if you change the PIN make sure you already have cash out. If he tries to withdraw using the old number a few times then you card will get swallowed by the machine.
My ex did this to me and I only found out when I went to withdraw cash and by chance keyed a wrong PIN once and the card got swallowed. Turned out before I woke up that morning he has snuck out and tried to get some money but put the wro g PIN in twice. So by the time I went to the bank and keyed it in wrong once I lost my card. The cheeky twat had been trying to take my money to take another girl on a date!
I'm not sure if that was the first time or not either.

Just ask him. You gave him the pin so it's not fraud or stealing.

Maybe he's just taking some to help with outgoings as you say he pays most of them. Do you not help with anything, seems a case of what's mine is mine but what's his is ours.

seems a case of what's mine is mine but what's his is ours.

I must have missed the bit where OP says she regularly helps herself to his bank account

would we all be telling her she was a stealing bastard we wish her husband sneakily catches her out soon

Yes absolutely.

Because if you are a decent human being you don't steal, especially from somone who trust you. You talk about what has gone wrong

kateandme no because you have totally projected your story onto this one. It bears no resemblance to what the OP has said. He earns good money. Why would he need to help himself?

It's stealing, and not minor.

The fact he lied about 'finding her bank card on the kitchen floor' when he had actually taken it out of her wallet and drawn money off it proves this.

I am gobsmacked by the people who are suggesting that stealing, lying and gaslighting are no big deal as long as you have a good enough reason, like being in debt or feeling aggrieved at some aspect of the relationship .

I sincerely hope you dont work for me or are one of my friends. You know, just in case you are pissed off with me for not promoting you / being late when we last met up, so you decide to steal money from my purse.

He’s stealing from you OP and the! gaslighting you into thinking it’s you that’s been losing, or misplacing your card. I suspect he’s in the shit financially, and trying to dig himself out of a hole. No excuse tho, I’d do what other pp have suggested if he denies us and say you’re handing it over to the bank and police as theft.

For those of you that think he can’t be charged with theft because OP gave him her PIN number, you’re wrong. A friend of mine had her, now exh, charged with theft for the same thing. She got a telling off for giving him her PIN, but he was cautioned, and now has a criminal record for stealing from her.

It's weird that if he needs money for something he isn't just telling you and sorting it out. Why would he be stealing your card and knowingly leaving you in situations without cash to pay for things?
If I needed cash I'd just tell my husband and take it out of one account or another, and he would top it up from another account if need be. The baffling part is he thinks you wont notice.

Sometimes i give my dp my card if he needs money. His money is erratic as he is self employed however he pays all the bills. Apart from gas and electric which i pay as we go using ovo. Shopping both of us.

So he knows where my card is and can take it anytime he likes. Same vice versa but poor fucker never has any spare as he is always paying out.

But

God help him if he doesnt tell me afterwards for smallish amounts or consult with me first if its more.

The secrecy is the issue - he either has debts he is out of control of or he is gambling

I must be missing something here,

I would say to DH "Why the fuck have you been taking money out of my account?"

Yes I'd cancel the card/change the pin. But also I'd just ask.

When he tried to deny it would be the point the conversation would start....

I would think it's got to be because he has spent his own funds on something expensive and secret. It's quite a desperate solution so I also think gambling.