DH withdrawing cash behind my back

[FuckingDH]

Reading my bank statement I've seen a few cash withdrawals the last couple of months that I didn't recognise but I thought it was me being forgetful
Yesterday when trying to pay at the shop, I couldn't find my card and DH suddenly took it out of his wallet and said He had found it earlier at the kitchen floor. My card was declined by the way although I was convenced I had funds

Not sure why this morning I woke up all suspicious, I checked my bank account again and I had a cash withdraw again same time as he went out before we go to the shop
I'm fucking pissed off 17 years together and now I started doubting other things as well. If he can lie about this God knows what else he's done
So:

1. Do I confront him which he ll probably deny or
2. Do I change the PIN and see what happens when the little fucker tries to take money

WWYD

Nick him see how he likes that. However if you are in a country where women are second class that won’t work. Employ a nanny for your daughter if you are safe if not come home ASAP

It sounds like he's trying to match his brother to me. Could he have been going out with him when he worked those late nights?

Whatever he is going through try and get him to talk to you and help him through if you can 17 years of being an angel makes this out of character. But if he won’t trust you then you may have to pull out. You sound strong. Keep strong

Gosh, this is awful for you op.

Why isn’t he offering a reason why he took the money? I’d think the trust was broken too.

I have a separate account from my dh, he earns 4x as much as me. If he started taking money out of my account, I wouldn’t trust him either.

I’m not getting why he thinks it’s ok to repay the money, and think it’s ok to lie to you. Something is not quite right there. Hope you get some answers, especially as you’ve been together so long.

Reasons for the money: Drugs, Gambling, Blackmail or maybe an entitled fucker.

I have been married a long time I have never known my DH's PIN (he did tell me once I think but I have no head for numbers). He doesn't know mine. We would never use each others cards. My teens have occasionally used mine for "contactless" purchases, I wouldn't give them my PIN either.

In your situation OP - he would be looking for a new place to live. I wouldn't be really interested in the excuses.
If you think another woman/man is involved then you need to get STI checks.

He told me this morning : "why are you still like this? I told you I ll repay you and won't do it again!"

I hope you told him, while you appreciate him repaying you, that HE abused your trust by taking YOUR money, and then lying to/gaslighting you and HE still hasn't completely honest with you as to why he took the money, what he used it for, so yes it will take time for you to get over it.

I feel like there's a massive hole in all of this. He clearly is still not telling the full truth, and all his misdirection and histrionics lead me to suspect the real truth is far worse than this original deceit. I hope you get to the bottom of it.

Exactly The ExamStartsNow.

If the simple answer is that he struggling to cover the monthly bills,because we all know everything is getting more expensive. Then a simple conversation about budgets will solve it.

But all the bullshit that he doing to avoid telling OP what going on with money is worrying about what else he is hiding.

I know my DH pin numbers and DH know mine but neither of us would dream about taking money out of the other person account even with their permission.

I think trying to read his messages/emails is the next vital step.

What he needs that money and why he lied is crucial to how you’re going to feel about it all.

Obviously he’s wrong for lying and doing it in the first place but I imagine your level of support (and/or anger) will vary if it’s another woman compared to a sticky situation like gambling?

I hope it isn’t as bad as your fear

You mentioned that he earns quite a bit more compared with you. Would he usually have money to spare after bills etc? I just wondered why, if he was willing to pay you back double what he took, he has not rushed off to a cashpoint to do just that.

I hope you get some answers today. Any chance of you being able to see his online banking? Also can you check your mortgage agreement (if you have one) to check that there haven't been any changes.

your relationship only has one chance/hope. That is if he now gives you full disclosure.

1. how much money has he taken, when did it start.
2. what has he used the money for exactly - a list of items not vague ideas.
3. access to his phone
4. access to all his email accounts.

anything less than this and there will always be doubts in your mind.

It might seem draconian and a little bit controlling but honestly at this stage your trust in him has completely gone and he needs to be 100% honest to even give the relationship a chance of getting back to where it was.

I think having a packed bag sitting on the table when you ask him these questions will be quite motivating, as will you removing his door keys from his key ring whilst talking to him...

It just doesn’t sit right that he can’t explain what he has spent the money on.

So he hates his life, hates his job, doesn't feel he is able to go out and socialize, doesn't seem to have any money to spend if he wants it (judging by this weirdly desperate act) and you think he's a wuss if he cries. He appears now to have turned into a thief.

I'd be careful about shutting this down because some dialogue is needed. He may have a problem he will never tell you about if you call him a wuss when he's upset, which is dangerous. Then again he may have taken it out of spite because he is sick to death of the situation. He may be taking drugs, gambling or seeing prostitutes, without knowing it's even possible he wanted to buy you a gift that was time critical and be sad because you're reacting badly before he reveals it to you, it's important to wheedle it out of him because whatever it is it sounds like it's important.

I will say one thing, I would never do it because I'm not a thief, but the one time I considered something like this I was under total financial control by someone else and very unhappy, I couldn't buy what I felt I needed (certainly couldn't go out) and they were eating out, buying people gifts etc. - the resentment of this when you are the main earner can really build up over time.

Take care OP, hope you've got the answers you need and are working out your way forward.

I hope your ok OP!

So if he can pay you back so easily, that means he will have spare money from his income. How was THAT money then not enough for him, and he then needed to take extra money from you?

My Ex used my cards fraudulently whilst I was in hospital with his child. He took over £1000 in one week.

He got very upset and returned my money (by taking out stupid loan that he was unable to repay). I never found out what he used the money for. He seemed to think that by returning it I had no reason to be upset about it. If I hadn't noticed he would not have returned it.

I suspected drugs and prostitutes; I never found out what he used my money for but he had a drug problem in the past and odd views about prostitution.

I was ill at the time and not really in a state to properly deal with kicking him out. I wish I had now though. I never regained my trust in him but in the long term I was right not to.

Any update on where the money went?

Hope you’re ok OP x

How is your relationship other than this? I only ask as you suspect OW so wondered if you had noticed other changes, lack of affection, intimacy etc

Any update OP?

I hope you are ok and that things have become clearer regarding what's been happening.

🌷

News??