DH withdrawing cash behind my back

[FuckingDH]

Reading my bank statement I've seen a few cash withdrawals the last couple of months that I didn't recognise but I thought it was me being forgetful
Yesterday when trying to pay at the shop, I couldn't find my card and DH suddenly took it out of his wallet and said He had found it earlier at the kitchen floor. My card was declined by the way although I was convenced I had funds

Not sure why this morning I woke up all suspicious, I checked my bank account again and I had a cash withdraw again same time as he went out before we go to the shop
I'm fucking pissed off 17 years together and now I started doubting other things as well. If he can lie about this God knows what else he's done
So:

1. Do I confront him which he ll probably deny or
2. Do I change the PIN and see what happens when the little fucker tries to take money

WWYD

I like it Canbe . Great tactical play.

Footballmum and Nisky come ON! Men like this will just gaslight and lie so you're not dealing with a 'normal' partner - that means you have to take a different approach. He's already lied in any case "I found the card" yeah, I found a colleague's card the other day, but whilst I kept it safe until I could hand it back to him, I didn't pop off to the cashpoint to withdraw some of his cash did I!

Not all other halves are normal and you can't be sure that they won't lie or turn it back on you! Can you not conceive that if she just asks him HE. WILL. LIE.?

It will get her nowhere to just ask him.

These are the facts. She has to work around that and certainly, if there are financial/housing complications she is better playing her cards close to her chest, seeing where she stands in these two areas, and only making a definitive move when she's sure of her own footing.

footballmum me too, I was coming to the end of the thread to post exactly what you did

Nice idea footballmum. He will lie. He will be defensive. Etc. Just change pin and proceed with finding out what else is going on

‘Men like this,’ - you know him well then?

Does he know your passwords also, that is another thing you should not divulge

This.

Change all pins and passwords.

Do a thorough check of your statements and assess the extent of the problem.

Then ask him outright.

You need to get a full experian credit report for you and DH.

When I left him, I discovered he had six credit cards (in his own name thankfully) and they were maxed out.

I dont know how many my ExH had because he wouldn't let me see his experian report and i had no right to info on his credit cards. I do know he did exactly what the OPs husband did, but on the on credit cards where o was secondary card holder on his account so when we came to divorce i very nearly was sadled with his credit card debt as well as everything else cos it was "family spending" and i couldn't prove otherwise.

Now this is a line in the sand for me. Touch my card ever and its over. As is evident from this thread most people have no idea just how bad this can get.

Bit of projection there DoinIt?!

Yes he’s already tried to cover his tracks which seems to indicate that there’s a problem. But none of us have any idea what that problem is or that he’s not a “normal partner” or that HE. WILL. LIE until the OP actually speaks to her husband. As others have pointed out it’s not exactly going to be difficult for the OP to work out her DH was taking the money once she’d discovered it was missing.

I totally accept some OH’s are devious bastards but nothing the OP has said seems to indicate that here. If she confronts him and he continues to lie and cover up then yes of course, put him in the devious bastard camp and start looking seriously at the marriage but you’ve got to accept there’s a possibility that there could be another explanation here. But maybe my way isn’t dramatic enough for you?

Even if the OP did give him the pin (I’ve never goven mine to ANYONE) those transactions were still not authorised.

Source: Judge Rinder 🤣

theft between husband and wife cant technically happen because you are one legal entity.

Can someone provide any evidence that this is true? I found the following link that shows a woman being sent to jail for stealing her husbands savings, in Scotland. Could the law on theft be different in England?

www.dailyrecord.co.uk/news/scottish-news/wife-steals-husbands-55000-life-963680

Also found this, but not sure if the quotes (from the theft act 1968) means what I think it does, that a spouse can be charged.

This Act shall apply in relation to the parties to a marriage, and to property belonging to the wife or husband whether or not by reason of an interest derived from the marriage, as it would apply if they were not married and any such interest subsisted independently of the marriage.

Proceedings shall not be instituted against a person for any offence of stealing or doing unlawful damage to property which at the time of the offence belongs to that person's wife or husband, or for any attempt, incitement or conspiracy to commit such an offence, unless the proceedings are instituted by or with the consent of the Director of Public Prosecutions:

www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/1968/60/crossheading/general-and-consequential-provisions/enacted?view=plain

I would change your PIN number now. Then I would tell him that you've noticed lots of cash withdrawals that you know have not been you. Ask if he knows anything about them and tell him that if it's not him, you'll have to phone the bank to notify them of the theft. Remind him that all cash machines have cameras so they will be able to pass the images in to the police.
Do this in a non accusatory way to give him the chance to own up. Then discuss why he needs to take your money. Try to keep calm, he may have a valid reason, he may not! Either way, it will become obvious it's him. Make sure your new pin is a number he would not guess, and tell him you will not be giving him it. Don't ask him to get cash out or go shopping with your card ever.

Oh And you can really secure your passwords

Unless
He is out the room everytime you enter them.
You dont save your password to anything (you can pull them off the computer if Windows saves them)
Your retreival questions are totally random.
You dont have set up the thing on you email that means uou can log in using a push notification without resetting the password.

Change your pin and change your passwords is a really superficial solution. If he is an abusive bastard there are so many ways round it.

If I thought my husband had stolen money from me I certainly wouldn't piss about with subterfuge. I'd tell him money was missing from my account, my card had gone missing and mysteriously turned up again and the only logical conclusion I could draw, given he knew my PIN, was he'd withdrawn it. Then I'd ask why he felt stealing from me was acceptable.

i cant understand how people can think to confront.catch him out.and generally just be kind of cruel to someone I assume you love.its a marriage.the ops post doesn't indicate there being any previous issues or am I missing something.17 years.and know previous.so I would after all this time with my husband be yes firstly mad.but the actually worried sick for him.
money when it goes wrong is the biggest burden.the biggest guilt and biggest shame.you will do above and beyond what you thought possible to protect yourself and those you love from what you've done.the nicest people In the world fall into traps like this.and sneak and lie to try and stop this shameful secret coming out.im not saying this si the case here.he could be an evil bastard that stealing.but really I wouldn't think this straight off the bat.as I said id be so worried.and want to talk to them as soon as so we can sort this out.together

I agree footballmum, my first thought on the OP was 'why not just ask him?'. Yes, he's had the opportunity to own up but if he's having trouble with money and hoping he can recover by borrowing a bit and putting it back he won't have owned up. Very different to being asked straight out 'have yup been taking my card and withdrawing cash?'. If he still lies then - that's a different matter.

Of course this heavily is based on my own life experience hs

@Firesuit it becomes a really difficult question. In our case the solicitor basically said you'd spend an absolute fortune trying to untangle it (with acess to less than half the information) and the fact is there's not much left anyway except debt.

Agreed kateandme a neighbour years ago came begging on her knees ( literally ) and asked me to lend her some money- she had arranged to have post held at the post office and collect it, so her husband didn’t know they were behind with the mortgage

• she wasn’t a horrible person, just in a horrible situation

Ugh, whoops...

having not been in an abusive relationship. I think a lot of other PPs are also Badingham tgeir responses on their knife experiences which is only natural but it seems bizarre to not even try and have a conversation first.

But I often see that across these boards. Loads of advice is passive aggressive comments or underhand tactics rather than just asking/telling/having a conversation with DH/friend/neighbour etc.

OP hasn't indicated that there is a history of abuse or control so unless there is, why not just ask what's going on?

he may have a valid reason, he may not!

IF he had a valid reason why not ask OP for the money, not just take the card and lie about why he had it. Oh and "forgetting" to mention he has withdrawn enough money so a shopping transaction gets declined, causing embarrassment at the checkout.

Surely people secure their passwords on their computers, what happens if it is stolen, my iMac has a password only known to me and full encryption, you should always make sure stuff is secure in case it gets stolen. Im sure someone could get into it if they really tried but not the average person.

*basing their responses on their life experiences

Sorry, cat and toddler crawling on me. I give up!

@purplemunkey

Hes taking his wifes card. Taking cash out on it. Telling her she lost it.

It what planet does this in any way indicate a decent trustworthy human being?

Change your PIN now and confront him. What is he using the money for? (drugs/gambling/sex/alcohol) does he have an addiction problem. You need to know.

Please be aware that the bank will be able to tell that it was your actual card that was used, and that it was used with your PIN number. In my experience it’s much harder to claim it’s fraud so unlikely they will open a case in those circumstances and will most likely tell you to report it to the police in the first instance. If you get caught lying to them when you obviously know what has happened then this will also not go in your favour. Unfortunately, in your circumstances, if you have given him your pin and allowed him access to your account in the past, this is basically seen as unlimited access. This is why you are always told never to disclose your pin to anyone no matter who they are because it leaves you vulnerable to this type of thing and then there is nothing you can do about it and the bank won’t reimburse the money because you gave your pin out.

Unless you mean you are just going to tell him that you’re reporting it to the bank? In which case I would do it just to gauge his reaction and give him the opportunity to come clean before you ring anyone. I’d say something like, “I’ve got these transactions I don’t recognise on my account and I think my card has been cloned or something, just before I ring the bank and see if they can check their atm camera’s, you don’t know anything about the do you?”

If she gave him the pin then I am thinking it is a similar situation to when one person in a marriage runs up large credit card bill without the other knowing which I think is fairly common. Just a different way of doing it.

@WhentheDealGoesDown

I dont know about mac but with pcs if you can get into the desktop its really easy to pull saved passwords. Never save your password.

If you cant get past the password to get to the desktop and it the sole administrator account you're ok.