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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Family holiday upset

290 replies

UninspiringUserName · 28/07/2018 22:33

My mum has a big birthday next year and wants to spend it abroad with my sister and I, and our partners, and our children, so there's six of us, plus Mum and Dad, my sister and her partner.

There's been a lot of research into hotels, flights, and different options, and eventually we were all in agreement about a hotel that ticked the boxes for us all. The costs are staggering though - more than £8k for us, as there's so many of us, and closer to £2.5/3 per couple. We've had to tweak the budget a few times as our budget was clearly blown (we've never spent anything close to that for a holiday before).

It's long-haul and my parents said they'd upgrade us all to premium economy, which was a lovely gesture. The next day, they decided it wasn't worth it for the kids, so wouldn't pay for them, and as we'll be travelling with the kids, clearly, this means we're not included too, but they will still pay for both couples. This irked a little, but shrugged it off.

In a conversation last week, Mum was keen to book so we've said to go ahead, and we'll look to book later in the year as we have a business project that isn't performing as we'd like and we need to be sure it's performing but we were very clear that we'd do our best to afford it.

Today they went to book, and changed their minds. They've now booked a hotel that means we'd be paying £1.5k more, so it means we're counted out, without a doubt. All I got when I explained this was a 'well hopefully by the time it comes round, you'll be able to afford it'... comment.

AIBU to be gutted? Not about the holiday, but about how they clearly weren't that fussed about us going in the first place.

It doesn't help that it comes on top of already feeling unsteady with my parents for what I feel like is a lack of support, so I'm fully prepared to be told I'm overreacting as it's touched a raw nerve.

OP posts:
UninspiringUserName · 30/07/2018 16:00

Whatcha, absolutely. If I do get fed that line, my response will be simple: 'But why is Mum upset? We didn't make a decision that means you're left out of anything. All we've done is point out how YOUR actions have upset US."

And repeat if necessary.

OP posts:
juneau · 30/07/2018 16:06

That's such a passive aggressive response from your DM and to turn it around to how upset SHE is speaks volumes about how much she cares about how her actions make YOU feel. I'm glad you've said your piece as it sounds like you feel a lot better for getting it off your chest. Sometimes these things need to be said. I wish I was braver at saying the things I'd like to when it comes to my family - my DM who favours my DSis, my DF who kowtows to what his second wife wants so he ends up paying for holidays every year for HER grandchildren while me and my DSis are sidelined and we're told we're being difficult if we breathe a word of how it makes us feel. Power to you OP.

HostaToFortune · 30/07/2018 16:24

OP so much of this resonates with me. Long story short but my sister gets absolutely enabled in her entitled behaviour plus lots of support in school holidays where my mum pitches up and does EVERYTHING re the house and DSis’ three kids. Meanwhile my sister moans about how terribly tired she is, largely because she’s taken on too much. Again.

And we’re the ones left hoping for crumbs and rearranging our entire weekends for the Royal Command Performance when my sister visits.

Funnily enough I’ve been told I’m “over sensitive” my entire life too Hmm.

I’m currently seeing a counsellor for something else and this is definitely an issue that needs unpicking. I do not need their approval, they’re not going to giving, so I need to stop looking for it.

theredjellybean · 30/07/2018 16:49

Can I have one of the over sensitive and difficult t shirts too please.
Get this everytime I stood up for myself and my mother would then passive aggressive sulk

UninspiringUserName · 30/07/2018 16:59

Oh there are such a lot of us, aren't there? Either that suffer in silence and don't speak up because it won't achieve anything, or finally get the courage to stand up for ourselves, only to be labelled sensitive. I'm so sorry you're all having to go through it, it really can be soul-destroying.

Juneau oh I hear you and I'm so sorry you have such a miserable experience too. You'll probably reach a point where you can't not speak up, or you'll decide it's not worth it and walk away. Either way, you'll feel better for it.

Hosta, jeez, your sister sounds quite the piece of work. What is it with parents' blinkered attitude to some of their children and not others? I often wonder if it's the 'good' ones who get neglected while the more testing relationship gets all the TLC. So very, very wrong,

redjellybean, I hope this hasn't made you stop standing up for yourself? We have to keep on trying...!

I sent my message at 8am, Mum responded with her comment about being upset at 9, and nothing since. I don't know what I expected from her, but maybe something more than radio silence.

On the upside, if I add T-shirt printing to our business model, I'll be shouting us all holidays before you know it!

OP posts:
Pippylou · 30/07/2018 17:04

I'm in the oversensitive* camp too!

Fortunately, I live miles from home so only have limited assaults on my mental health.

Doing well, OP!

  • also you must be tired, emotional or whatever...
UninspiringUserName · 30/07/2018 17:06

Pippylou I feel like I've done 10 rounds with Tyson. But feel so much better than I did yesterday. Thanks for being lovely, and I'll order you a T-shirt too.

OP posts:
FiestaThenSiesta · 30/07/2018 17:06

Honestly OP, I wouldn’t ask “why is she upset” because they will tell you exactly how you’ve upset her. And you’ll cave because you’ve had a lifetime of conditioning and they know which buttons to press to make you cave.

“Your mother is upset.”

Yes, I can imagine if I treated my daughter the way she treated me, I too would feel quite upset with myself.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 30/07/2018 17:19

The worm has turned!

Bravo OP!

toolonglurking · 30/07/2018 17:24

OP, can I have a tshirt too? I think I need one, am often seen as difficult or oversensitive because I don't just bend to the will of the family.

NotBuiltForThisWorld · 30/07/2018 17:26

Lucky escape! You're not unreasonable to feel irked though. I'd feel rather left out too in your position.

MsDidoTwite · 30/07/2018 17:32

Bit of a reverse but I've avoided a particular family holiday for years by simply telling my lovely M (who was being -I think- being guilted into paying) that the proposed venue/location isn't really my thing. It's enabled her to fend off my (somewhat grabby) DS with the excuse that it wouldn't be fair to exclude me and my DC while forking out on a very expensive trip for DS & DNs. I take the heat for this every time summer holidays or Christmas are mentioned. I have developed broad shoulders.
Also, having endured family holidays as a child with abusive SF and his children as well as suffering uninvited guests on our own family holidays for several years I am much happier (and insist on) going away with just DH & DCs for our main holiday.
Don't let your parents make you feel guilty. Do what's best for your own family & enjoy your own holiday when it comes around

FaveNumberIs2 · 30/07/2018 17:38

I’m sorry but they have treat you like shot. Let them go on their merry way without you and concentrate on your business. When they return, take your mum away fir the weekend, just you, mum, kids and your dh and if anyone complains, tell them to suck it up buttercup.

RideOn · 30/07/2018 18:06

I think it is better to duck out now, than have a highly expensive and (pressure to enjoy) a holiday that you wouldn't have taken otherwise.

It would be worse to fall out in the exotic location and be 8k poorer.

I'm sorry you are upset, good luck with the business venture.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 30/07/2018 18:07

I think I need one of those T Shirts over here too - though maybe not as my ILs are currently STBExILs and are NC (their choice!).
Usual next step in my scenario would be a long period of silence (one time DMil didn't speak to her son for two years) and then brushing it all under the carpet and never mentioning it again!!

Frazzled2207 · 30/07/2018 18:11

Try and put it behind you and book a fab holiday for your family at the price you want to pay.

I think I would find it really weird to holiday with families who didn't have children.

Really think you've dodged a bullet op.

mineisarossini · 30/07/2018 18:11

I would be hurt too, if you are organising something like this and expecting others to pay you have to make sure it is on a budget to suit everyone or you pay for them. The fact she promised so much and then withdrew her offer is particularly bad.

On balance you might feel relieved not to be going. Family holidays are always quite tiring in every way and quite fraught. This way you can put the money into a holiday that you would really like and enjoy and they can do their own thing as a young family.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 30/07/2018 18:20

Budge up on the over sensitive bench guys
AngrySad

UninspiringUserName · 30/07/2018 18:47

Hobnobs making room my love, squeeze in.

Thanks all, I know it's the right thing for us. It's a relief that we don't have to save furiously and now we can spend half that on an amazing holiday for our little crew and not overstretch ourselves in the process.

While I'm glad I spoke up, I am gutted that it's worked out like this. I needed to speak up, but I don't like bad feeling and while I've been open and honest, it's obviously caused ructions and upset. Grrrrr.

OP posts:
Tistheseason17 · 30/07/2018 19:03

Speak up, rinse, repeat
You have done the right thing.
It's better than harbouring resentment - I can assure you.
My mum used to put me down and then say she did it as she was "thinking of me" ..... yeah, right.
She also spent lots of time asking how much I earn and my then company car and I'd always add on £20K pa just for fun - she was never happy for me, just competitive.

Families are weird. Btw, we are NC and it's fab now :)

Jux · 30/07/2018 19:28

Oh gosh, I used to get the guilt trip thing from my mum too. No matter what it was, from being hit repeatedlyby my teacher when I was 6 to being emotionally abused by my husband in my 40s, she'd take the other side and say "what did you do to make x or y do that?". Seriously, a teacher hit me repeatedly, every day from when I was 6 until I was10, and it was my fault. I wasn't rude, or badly behaved, I did my work, I tried hard, but it was still my fault and somehow I made my teacher hit me.

I never actually had the guts to talk to mum about it, which I regret madly now.

Gardentour2016 · 30/07/2018 19:50

I think it sounds like they really did not want your children there, and by upping the cost and offering to pay your (adult) upgrade, they were hoping you’d reconsider bringing them altogether. If they wanted adults only, they should have said.

billybagpuss · 30/07/2018 19:56

Wow well done OP

cherish123 · 30/07/2018 19:57

Your mum should really be paying and if she cannot afford it, opt for somewhere cheaper.

YearOfYouRemember · 30/07/2018 20:18
Hmm