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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Family holiday upset

290 replies

UninspiringUserName · 28/07/2018 22:33

My mum has a big birthday next year and wants to spend it abroad with my sister and I, and our partners, and our children, so there's six of us, plus Mum and Dad, my sister and her partner.

There's been a lot of research into hotels, flights, and different options, and eventually we were all in agreement about a hotel that ticked the boxes for us all. The costs are staggering though - more than £8k for us, as there's so many of us, and closer to £2.5/3 per couple. We've had to tweak the budget a few times as our budget was clearly blown (we've never spent anything close to that for a holiday before).

It's long-haul and my parents said they'd upgrade us all to premium economy, which was a lovely gesture. The next day, they decided it wasn't worth it for the kids, so wouldn't pay for them, and as we'll be travelling with the kids, clearly, this means we're not included too, but they will still pay for both couples. This irked a little, but shrugged it off.

In a conversation last week, Mum was keen to book so we've said to go ahead, and we'll look to book later in the year as we have a business project that isn't performing as we'd like and we need to be sure it's performing but we were very clear that we'd do our best to afford it.

Today they went to book, and changed their minds. They've now booked a hotel that means we'd be paying £1.5k more, so it means we're counted out, without a doubt. All I got when I explained this was a 'well hopefully by the time it comes round, you'll be able to afford it'... comment.

AIBU to be gutted? Not about the holiday, but about how they clearly weren't that fussed about us going in the first place.

It doesn't help that it comes on top of already feeling unsteady with my parents for what I feel like is a lack of support, so I'm fully prepared to be told I'm overreacting as it's touched a raw nerve.

OP posts:
manicmij · 30/07/2018 20:26

YANBU. May be a special occasion for your Mum but surely she could have given more consideration to what would be affordable for all. Why did she and your Dad not go long haul themselves and then have a party somewhere at home. Wouldn't give it a second thought about not going, have your own holiday. Perhaps even take your Mum out to dinner to celebrate.

Pippylou · 30/07/2018 20:34

Oooh, actually, that's an idea. Every time they moan at you, suggest something nice to do as an "extra celebration" for the whole family.

Don't get involved in the dramas, be relentlessly positive. :-)

Adnerb95 · 30/07/2018 20:35

I had a big birthday a couple of years ago and wanted the whole family including siblings, nieces, nephews etc there. So I paid completely for immediate family (adult sons) and made sure that lots of cheap accommodation + low cost flights were available for everyone else.

You can't choose somewhere expensive and then expect everyone to be there.

Most of my family wouldn't have paid more than £300 per person for a week (Southern Spain, owners direct accommodation, all lovely). We had a fabulous time!

LaLaLongwhiskers · 30/07/2018 20:47

I'd let your mum stew in her radio silence – she's clearly waiting for you to message her again, backtracking. But you've done nothing to apologise for, it's your family who are really thoughtless. 8k is a huge amount to spend on a holiday, let alone 10k!

milliemolliemou · 30/07/2018 20:50

OP Are you thinking of getting your mum something special for her significant birthday? why don't you consult your sister about what she's getting - and make nice. That way you can't be accused of anything and it's something you'd be doing anyway. I'd make sure none of your hurt particularly shows now you've let it off your chest - just say you'll be fine and thinking of them and looking forward to the photos. You're perfectly right to feel upset by their appalling lack of consideration, but kill them with kindness now.

ElevenTwelths · 30/07/2018 20:53

We are cash rich, time poor. Older SIL is the opposite. For these reasons neither of our families could go to younger SIL’s overseas wedding. (The deal was enough people stay in the resort for a week and the bride and groom got theirs wedding for free 🙄).

They were furious we weren’t going because they wouldn’t have enough people to pay for their room and food. We realised then what we meant to them.

And there wasn't even any solidarity with older SIL because she sulked that we wouldn’t pay for her and her children and boyfriend to go!

ItsNachoCheese · 30/07/2018 21:01

Sod your parents and sister and go on an amazing family holiday that your family have picked because you all like it. Im doing similar in that i booked ds and i disney for this year despite my dsis moaning about me booking it when it was her idea... translates to it would of been a holiday from hell. I even booked ds and i 2 wraparound nights i was so happy she didnt book up with me Grin

HannahnotAgnes · 30/07/2018 21:02

Stay strong Op - you've done nothing wrong.

Tinkobell · 30/07/2018 21:13

My parents want a little celebration thing soon. We don't have enough space to put everyone up though. So they're staying at a local hotel and pitching in for all the food, I'm hosting the meal. Everyone can come, everyone can afford. I'm sorry your mums too up her own bottom OP, it's not generous at all.....she's a meany.

LeftRightCentre · 30/07/2018 21:28

Look, you may not realise it yet, but your mother is a passive aggressive narc. Anyone with an iota of compassion and empathy in themselves realises that if you want some big arse holiday for your big birthday then you offer to pay for it for your family if you want them all to go completely along with your plans. I've got a good friend who earns extremely well, is single and childfree by choice, her parents are wealthy. They offer to take her and her brothers, who both have kids, when they want to do something big. I hope you learn to stop blaming yourself for their behaviour because it's pretty shit.

LeftRightCentre · 30/07/2018 21:30

And nothing you will ever do will please your mum or be enough for her so stop knocking yourself out for her - fuck hosting teas or buying some expensive gift or blah blah blah. She's toxic. So is your stepdad and your sister. They will always have a reason to blame you, you will always be in the wrong.

ShumpaLumpa · 30/07/2018 21:31

If DM/DF wanted to be fair, they could have offered to pay the extra for the hotel in lieu of paying for premium economy for you and dh and dc.

ShumpaLumpa · 30/07/2018 21:37

I agree LeftRight

I think having OP and her kids on the holiday is another source of narc supply for the DM. It's like DM is thinking 'look how much people are paying to come on holiday to celebrate my birthday'. 'look how i can offer upgrades and take them away but they will still come on holiday'.

AveABanana · 30/07/2018 21:52

Perhaps with the money you've saved you could buy your own personalised number plate?

altiara · 30/07/2018 22:02

pippylou surely you don’t mean ‘extra celebration’, just ‘a’ celebration for the whole family!!

Tbh, not sure why your DM didn’t say I’m planning a super luxurious trip, this is where I want to go, join me if you’re interested. You could then think - hmm no I’m not spending 10k on a holiday not of my choosing.

Personally I would’ve planned and paid for a luxury (maybe long) weekend away, child friendly, had someone in to do the food, so kids could eat early and adults still get to stay up late and have a few drinks etc. Just relaxing with time to catch up with everyone.

The problem with someone else’s trip of a lifetime is that it’s not yours!
Enjoy your 8k savings!!

Miranda15110 · 30/07/2018 22:07

How horrible for you. Definitely have a lovely holiday at some point yourselves. If I'm honest it sounds to me like they've deliberately priced you out. And it might be that they wanted a child free holiday but didn't have the guts to be honest. I'd have been out when they created the plane seating divide.

Pippylou · 30/07/2018 22:15

Er, I think I probably meant in addition, so they can't whinge at her being miserable (or insert better word here, this is just my own particular filter from being termed "over sensitive" by my family) about the holiday. So they don't spin it as OP as the problem, if you see what I mean?

Pippylou · 30/07/2018 22:19

That highlights the choice here, either sort things (tho not go on holiday) so there are alternative celebrations or go lower contact, etc.

Leapfrog44 · 30/07/2018 23:07

That's incredibly selfish and thoughtless of them. Have you got 4 kids? Is she having a 'dig' at your for having so many? Deliberately suggesting something you cam't possibly do with a big family? !

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 31/07/2018 06:18

This thread has been going round my mind for days. I think partly because it feels a bit close to home.

I imagine many of the replies are a lot for you to take in right now, OP, but honestly, your parents don't sound particularly decent at all. The holiday is actually the least of it, from what you've described on here.

Teacher22 · 31/07/2018 07:18

Eight grand on a holiday! People are much richer than I thought.

Enthymeme · 31/07/2018 08:17

YANBU. If your mum wants a special birthday she should fund it. My dad had a birthday plan, brought us his children, our spouses and children and paid for travel and hotel. Needless to say when we got there we didn’t let him pay for any food or drink. As an aside, at his birthday dinner we, the children and spouses agreed to split the bill and one of us quibbled over her contribution because she doesn’t drink. Can’t please everyone.

juneau · 31/07/2018 08:24

While I'm glad I spoke up, I am gutted that it's worked out like this. I needed to speak up, but I don't like bad feeling and while I've been open and honest, it's obviously caused ructions and upset.

It's shit isn't it? You are the one who's been sidelined and yet by speaking up you've caused them to be upset with you, which is completely unreasonable, but this is my family too. You DARE to breathe a word about a situation that, if everyone was being honest and fair (which they never are), the other people involved KNOW is unfair and unreasonable and you have every reason to be upset about. But no, it's THEIR feelings that have been hurt and YOU who are the one being difficult and stirring everything up, as usual. Why can't you just accept that you're a second class citizen and be quiet about it, so that those sidelining you can fuck off and enjoy their £8k holiday free from any feelings of guilt, eh? Flowers

billybagpuss · 31/07/2018 10:00

Hope you're feeling ok this morning OP.

ShumpaLumpa · 31/07/2018 10:04

Eight grand on a holiday! People are much richer than I thought.

Some people spend that on one night's hotel stay!

It's all relative! We're all going to be dust one day though Wink