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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Family holiday upset

290 replies

UninspiringUserName · 28/07/2018 22:33

My mum has a big birthday next year and wants to spend it abroad with my sister and I, and our partners, and our children, so there's six of us, plus Mum and Dad, my sister and her partner.

There's been a lot of research into hotels, flights, and different options, and eventually we were all in agreement about a hotel that ticked the boxes for us all. The costs are staggering though - more than £8k for us, as there's so many of us, and closer to £2.5/3 per couple. We've had to tweak the budget a few times as our budget was clearly blown (we've never spent anything close to that for a holiday before).

It's long-haul and my parents said they'd upgrade us all to premium economy, which was a lovely gesture. The next day, they decided it wasn't worth it for the kids, so wouldn't pay for them, and as we'll be travelling with the kids, clearly, this means we're not included too, but they will still pay for both couples. This irked a little, but shrugged it off.

In a conversation last week, Mum was keen to book so we've said to go ahead, and we'll look to book later in the year as we have a business project that isn't performing as we'd like and we need to be sure it's performing but we were very clear that we'd do our best to afford it.

Today they went to book, and changed their minds. They've now booked a hotel that means we'd be paying £1.5k more, so it means we're counted out, without a doubt. All I got when I explained this was a 'well hopefully by the time it comes round, you'll be able to afford it'... comment.

AIBU to be gutted? Not about the holiday, but about how they clearly weren't that fussed about us going in the first place.

It doesn't help that it comes on top of already feeling unsteady with my parents for what I feel like is a lack of support, so I'm fully prepared to be told I'm overreacting as it's touched a raw nerve.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 30/07/2018 12:51

It is empowering when you get things of your chest because they will think next time

The lack of apology for 'putting things right' speaks volumes

Occamsrazorblade · 30/07/2018 12:54

It is empowering. Good for you.

Nquartz · 30/07/2018 12:57

🥇 how about a medal?

Moussemoose · 30/07/2018 12:58

Well done on telling them how you feel.

Now be careful what you wish for because they might make changes and then you with have to goShock.

You had a lucky escape, 8k on a holiday with adults who don't want to get on with your kids. It would have been a nightmare and lead to more rows and resentment.

Let them go, wave them off with a big smile and heave a sigh of relief.

LookAtIt · 30/07/2018 13:05

I've also had a response from my sister, acknowledging that they hadn't thought about our costs and had booked, caught up in the moment. She then said that they'd interpreted our caution as reluctance, which it wasn't, and then talked at length about how much they'd wanted us to be there

I think your sisters reply was ok. It is an apology, maybe not the best apology but she admits she made a mistake. I also understand why she might have thought you were reluctant rather than cautious. It’s not an excuse but it does explain things a little.

Not so sure about your Mums response though. ☹️

Glad you feel better about talking to them about it. Booking the holiday without speaking to you about it was unfair of them.

UninspiringUserName · 30/07/2018 13:06

Oh you are all bloody lovely, thank you. I honestly think you gorgeous lot kept me sane over the weekend when I was struggling to get my head around it all, and DH was away. Thanks for the medal too Nquartz, I shall wear it proudly. Around my head where it can't be missed.

I've said that I don't want them to change their plans as then I'd feel guilty on top of everything else. My sister did offer to try to go back to the original option, but of course, I know this isn't what they want, and after all of this, us going at all is the last thing that will happen.

It's interesting that after the 'sorry you feel this way and I'm upset' comment from Mum, there's been radio silence. I suspect she's spoken to my sister and they've agreed that she'll handle it as she's more feisty, but my mum's focus on how upset she is and now her silence speaks volumes. I fully expect a visit later today...

OP posts:
Occamsrazorblade · 30/07/2018 13:13

Stick to your guns if she turns up and you let her in. Calm, collected, we couldn’t afford it, there’s twice as many of us, you were going to upgrade them not us, you chose a place without us in mind, whatever it is you want to say, and then say end of discussion.

Don’t let her guilt you or force you to apologise to her for being the abusive one here.

Flowers
poobumwee · 30/07/2018 13:23

Well I think you have dodged a bullet! that's ALOT of money to spend on a holiday!

Close relatives of ours decided to get married overseas years ago. It would have cost us £6k to go. We said no, cannot afford it. Partly because the choice on location would understandably have been theirs as they were getting hitched but mainly because we couldn't afford it and I didn;t want to be stuck with them and their mates for 2 weeks!

You can book somewhere nice for you all now!

poobumwee · 30/07/2018 13:27

Well done for standing up for yourself too! It would be impossible for them to misinterpret what you sent them. I think you'll have much more fun without them all tbh!

purpledreamcatching · 30/07/2018 13:30

Good on you for saying something, I hope they reflect on how they have behaved.

Aprilshowersinjuly · 30/07/2018 13:42

That fact your dm is playing the one who is upset make some think you have dodged a bullet by not going. The holiday is to celebrate her birthday and sounds like she will control the entire thing as she feels is her right.
You are now the wearer of big girls pants op!!
Congratulations!

UninspiringUserName · 30/07/2018 14:02

Oh I know the pattern. Right now my dad will be furious with me because I've upset my mum, while my mum is focussing on how upset she is, and how she wishes she'd never suggested the damned holiday, and I'm clearly being 'oversensitive and difficult'. It's a script I've heard before.

I really don't want us all to fall out about this, but I had to speak up. I'm not feeling overly emotional now, but very calm and to me, the facts speak for themselves, and my sister has acknowledged what was my biggest issue - a family decision was made without our input, leading to all of this. We're not overreacting, and I'm comfortable saying that to their faces if needs be. What's done is done. End of.

Big girls pants fit rather nicely, April, thanks.

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 30/07/2018 14:13

Well done OP , this is probably a watershed moment in your relationship with your family .💐

SpandexTutu · 30/07/2018 14:14

'oversensitive and difficult'
That's me too - whenever I react to something that's blatantly crap, this is what I get called!
Think I might get a T-Shirt printed with this on the front.

UninspiringUserName · 30/07/2018 14:16

spandex, I rather think it's a badge of honour...!

OP posts:
UninspiringUserName · 30/07/2018 14:18

Floral, yep, I hope so. I'm also getting ready with other set responses:
That doesn't work for us.
No.
Thanks but no.
We'll have to sit this one out, but thanks for the offer/invite/thought.

OP posts:
Moussemoose · 30/07/2018 14:24

Your post about your dad being angry with you because you upset your mum sounded like my family.

It all ended really tragically. My Dad became ill but my mum would not make difficult decisions that would have benefited him. I knew if he was well he would have shouted at me for upsetting her so I let things slide. Without going in to too much detail I abided by the 'rules' of the family but it didn't end well for my dad.

Basically, their rules, they make them. Distance yourself, stop craving approval and look after your little family unit.

Think of it as 8k saved.

MarthasGinYard · 30/07/2018 14:49

Sound like your DM may martyr it all up a bit, you seem more than aware of the dynamic here

They changed the goal posts not you tough if they don't like your honesty.

MarthasGinYard · 30/07/2018 14:49

Sounds

timeisnotaline · 30/07/2018 14:53

What about for another response : ‘we said £8k so you book something costing £10k without even asking us. you were happy to pay extra so dsis and dbil could enjoy business rather than sit in economy, but not to pay the same amount so we could come at all. It’s obvious you didn’t really want us there and that is what hurts.’

Moussemoose · 30/07/2018 15:03

Don't make a really good argument or they might change their mind!

FiestaThenSiesta · 30/07/2018 15:10

Sorry to read your updates, OP. There’s obviously a shitloads of history here and you’ve been taught your lines well.

Maybe you need to mix it up. Your Dad furious because you’ve upset your mum?
Change the script.

Well Dad my husband is furious with both you and Mum for creating this situation and making me upset. So if you would like to have your usual go at me when I try to stand up for myself and not let you shit all over me, you will need to listen to my husband telling you a few home truths about your behaviour first. Shall I pass him my phone?

IamaBluebird · 30/07/2018 15:17

Don't let them get you down Op. They are the ones who have been thoughtless and can now carry on and have the holiday they've planned.
There are some gorgeous cottages in Wales where you and your family would have lots more fun for a lot less money.
Don't let them make you feel bad.Flowers

Nottheduchessofcambridge · 30/07/2018 15:18

At least you’ve got it all out in the open now. I would be hurt too and we’ve only had a snapshot of what you’re dealing with.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 30/07/2018 15:45

@UninspiringUserName - You say your dad will be furious with you because your mother is upset but you're not allowed to be upset?
I'd be ready to challenge that "Why am I not allowed to be upset Dad, why is it only Mum that can be upset?" or maybe "Well we are upset too Dad because what we thought had been agreed as a holiday budget has been completely ignored and no communications were made informing us of this until after the booking was made. We are upset too. We're allowed to be upset too and it isn't just Mum who is allowed to be upset about how things have transpired".