Family holiday upset

[UninspiringUserName]

My mum has a big birthday next year and wants to spend it abroad with my sister and I, and our partners, and our children, so there's six of us, plus Mum and Dad, my sister and her partner.

There's been a lot of research into hotels, flights, and different options, and eventually we were all in agreement about a hotel that ticked the boxes for us all. The costs are staggering though - more than £8k for us, as there's so many of us, and closer to £2.5/3 per couple. We've had to tweak the budget a few times as our budget was clearly blown (we've never spent anything close to that for a holiday before).

It's long-haul and my parents said they'd upgrade us all to premium economy, which was a lovely gesture. The next day, they decided it wasn't worth it for the kids, so wouldn't pay for them, and as we'll be travelling with the kids, clearly, this means we're not included too, but they will still pay for both couples. This irked a little, but shrugged it off.

In a conversation last week, Mum was keen to book so we've said to go ahead, and we'll look to book later in the year as we have a business project that isn't performing as we'd like and we need to be sure it's performing but we were very clear that we'd do our best to afford it.

Today they went to book, and changed their minds. They've now booked a hotel that means we'd be paying £1.5k more, so it means we're counted out, without a doubt. All I got when I explained this was a 'well hopefully by the time it comes round, you'll be able to afford it'... comment.

AIBU to be gutted? Not about the holiday, but about how they clearly weren't that fussed about us going in the first place.

It doesn't help that it comes on top of already feeling unsteady with my parents for what I feel like is a lack of support, so I'm fully prepared to be told I'm overreacting as it's touched a raw nerve.

Hey I think you've done the right thing. I have had similar things happen with my parents. All I can say is, now you've made your position clear, focus on moving on, don't let it fester. Focus on your own family and your own holiday. My mum died a couple of years ago and I miss her terribly, despite all the things that went on. So don't let it fester, let her have her holiday and make sure you enjoy yours. Hugs.

You really, really aren’t being difficult.

I suspect that somewhere inside herself your Mum will be sad not to have her big daughter, her firstborn with her. But she can’t have everything, and her plan relief in you to prop up the everything.

Sadly I have seen many families where once adults the younger, mutual, children do get favoured. It may partly be that they are still at home when the eldest leaves home and so the parents have the most recent experience of looking after them while the eldest has ‘flown’ and become ‘independent’, but I think having two natural parents in tne home rather than one can make a big difference to feelings of confidence and value.

I'm so sorry that they've pulled this on your family. I agree that the way they've treated you over time is crap and it's an attitude I just don't understand.

I think I'd be going low contact with them and other than key events, leaving it up to them to contact you.

I'd also consider writing this all down in a letter - everything where you feel they've treated you differently or unfairly. Whether you post it or burn it is up to you but I find that very cathartic.

Hugs andand

Have a look at Terra Natura in Alicante - lovely place 4* All inclusive and includes the water park and zoo - free bus to Benidorm for shops and nights out - pools and some entertainment kids club

It's like center parcs and very clean with lots of decent food and fairly quiet family place

£3000 all in!

Get yourself some sun and have fun with the kids X

You are all seriously awesome, thank you so much.

llangenith, yep, that's it re DS's girlfriend. He'll be so much happier with her there so it's a worthy investment. She's also awesome with the younger ones and I can envisage more sun lounger time for DH and I as a result. Bonus!

Now our position is clear to all parties, I feel much better. I'll happily wish them a wonderful holiday, but I know the constant FB updates will be tough to read, but by then I'll be used to the idea of them all being together and us not.

I do feel like there's a lot more than the holiday that needs addressing, but I really don't think anything would be achieved. It would hurt my mum who I think feels like we're The Waltons, and I would just feel guilty for bringing it all up. It's been really cathartic to get it all out on here without any repercussions.

Actually, my folks read the Daily Mail, so TO BE CLEAR: I DO NOT GIVE MY PERMISSION FOR ANY OF MY POSTS TO BE USED IN ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM, EITHER IN PRINT OR ONLINE.

Why are you so worried about hurting her when she couldn't even support you when you were very sick?

You seem to be mired in FOG, OP. Stately Homes thread, stat!

Can you book a family holiday now for the particular dates, even if it is somewhere less exotic like a villa in Spain?

This would make it clear you are not going on the holiday with them and lessen the green eyed monster when they are away.

I do this it is symptomatic of further issues, personally I would withdraw and go low contact. No drama but protecting yourself from further upset.

OP, you made things clear with dignity and no drama, and I am glad that you feel better "now that the position is clear to all parties".
I understand that despite recognising there are bigger issues, you don't want to face them head on. Some people just won't change. We can change our responses though. I hope that this thread has made you see more clearly that you have nothing to be guilty about. You had the right to feel "gutted" as stated in your original post. I hope that you feel stronger for posting. I hope that planning your own lovely holiday takes the sting out of missing out on theirs.

Shumpa, thanks and I'll take a look but really, I don't have anything big to complain about - I know they love me, in their own way. I just need to find a way to deal with my expectations, I think. And I don't want to hurt her as I love her. She's my mum and in many ways she's a wonderful mum.

madhatter, yep, low contact is the way forward I think. I pulled back enormously last year and it was noted, but very much as 'Uninspiring's being sensitive/difficult/weird' kind of way. I'm pretty certain that they'll never recognise that any of their behaviours could be hurtful. I've had a message to me and my sis (I don't know if she knows about us now not going yet), asking if we want to go to the cinema this week. I've declined as I'm busy with work each evening.

Also, the dates for the big family holiday weren't great for us - the kids would have needed to have time off school and 6th form, so now we can book one for when suits us better.

gotta, I do feel better for airing it all, but am wondering now how I get all these hurt feelings to subside. There's no recognition from Mum or Dad that their actions have led to this, they'll definitely just see it as me being overdramatic or awkward, and I can't change that. The holiday will now just be the elephant in the room for a while I think. Luckily I don't think we're due to see them socially for a couple of weeks, and then it's a fundraising thing where they'll be with others.

Seriously, you have all been wonderful, thank you. I don't mind admitting that even though I'm a grown up and a mother myself, this from my parents has really hurt me, and made me realised that actually, there's far bigger issues that I'm not dealing with. They won't change, and things won't change, but I can change how much I have to deal with them and how I let them affect me.

Oh sorry your parents are so thoughtless, they sound pretty awful really.

My advise is to accept you don’t have the parents you thought you did, go through the grieving process for this so you can detach a little emotionally and just view them as a sort of aunt and uncle.
Honestly, it’s a shitty parent that does nothing to help their sick child regardless of the their age.

Think about getting some counselling too, look for someone used to dealing with toxic family situations. As you said, you can’t change them but you can change how you react to them.

Sock, you might be onto something there. I'm sitting here now, fighting tears about the various things they've done/said/not done over the past few years, all of which have clearly bothered me far more than I realised. Small things and bigger things, each as hurtful and absolutely not the way I'm parenting.

For now, it's detach, detach, detach, and that sucks.

The cost is ridiculous. You have the perfect excuse. Probably would have been a nightmare anyway. Lucky escape. What is it about birthdays anyway?

Wow if there was nothing else, them and your sister turning to nice class, paid for by them and you family turning to cattle class because 'they are not worth it' really shows how they value you V your sister.

I would stay LC put your nuclear family first over these who have shown they are not really very nice.

Screw them if they try and blame you for being sensitive.

I'd sever contact with this lot OP... this isn't family.. focus on your own wee tribe my lovely

I wonder if they are paying for the holiday for your sister and her partner?

Pity your parents aren't prepared to pay for you or at least pay for some of it! It's outrageous to expect you to spend beyond your means.

If she wants a family holiday she either has to pay for it herself or find somewhere that everyone can afford. Or indeed feel prepared to pay - you might have something else that you would like to spend £8 grand on!!! I know I would.

I am off on a family holiday soon - there will be 15 of us and each family unit will pay for themselves. The one who is unable to afford it is organising a loan from a richer sibling and a non-interest pay-back - but importantly she wants to do the holiday and is happy to do that.

I think your Mum is being unreasonable to impose this on you all and expect you to pay for it! I would not take offence that you might find yourselves left out - I would count it a blessing.

YANBU at all OP and your DM has been really hurtful to do this. I totally understand where you're coming from, as my own family is of the shitty, blended variety and there are the favoured and the not-so-favoured (of which I and my family are the latter). It fucking hurts to be excluded, or invited and then it made clear that they weren't expecting you to say yes, and now that you've said yes it's inconvenient and now they have to book a bigger place, or two places, and then you realise that if you hadn't gone they'd all have been much happier. It's shit. for you. I hope you and your family have a lovely (and much cheaper), holiday without them!

UPDATE

After a message from my sister yesterday saying 'shame you can't come, we'll miss you' I saw red. I grew some balls and messaged them both this morning, making it clear that we hadn't chosen not to come, they'd taken a decision which meant we were priced out, and how very hurt and let down we felt.

I've since had a passive 'I'm so upset to read this' message from Mum, saying 'we tried to find a holiday that would work for us all. I'm sorry you feel like this' which is the very opposite of an apology. I replied, saying that yes, I thought that was the plan too. But this holiday DIDN'T work for us, and no-one had thought to ask us.

I've also had a response from my sister, acknowledging that they hadn't thought about our costs and had booked, caught up in the moment. She then said that they'd interpreted our caution as reluctance, which it wasn't, and then talked at length about how much they'd wanted us to be there. Still no recognition that THEIR actions have led to us not going.

There's no solution, but man do I feel better for having addressed it. I don't think I've ever been honest with them about they can make me feel. It won't be resolved, but at least I've said my bit.

'She then said that they'd interpreted our caution as reluctance,'

I would have done the same tbh.

If you weren't wanting to be on same booking and were waiting for your business venture or whatever it was to realise then I'd have wondered if you were actually not just giving excuses.

The fact they cracked on and booked a more expensive holiday without consulting you is not very inclusive, and it would hurt that they hadn't discussed it with me .

Good you felt you've cleared the air a little and hopefully you can all move forward.

Glad you wrote that , it’s worth putting it out there rather than tiptoeing around it. Either they will think or you will see what you really mean to them, either is an improved situation although may not make you happy.

Martha, thanks. We were explicit about how much we wanted to do it, but booking 10 months ahead felt irresponsible, given our concern about a part of the business. We always stressed that we were committed to going, but it made sense for us to hold off and book nearer the time. We own a business, with several employees, and we have to exercise caution, which we said again and again. This was NEVER an issue for them before. And, as you say, it doesn't alter the fact that they went ahead and booked a more expensive holiday without even a single call to check that would work for us. This is what hurts.

Time, if I'm honest, there's no a solution and I don't want to fall out with them, but I'm really proud that I've spoken honestly. I never do this, I just absorb it all even when it really hurts, and I'm hoping I've now drawn a line.

I feel like I should be given an assertive Brownie badge. Is there such a thing?

Well done for speaking up!

For you Op

Not a assertive 'brownie badge'

But you've taken the bull by the horns

Martha, I absolutely love it, thank you!

Spandex, thank you so much.