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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fuming about what I’ve found on my husbands phone

109 replies

Differentcorner · 28/07/2018 21:41

Help me out with how to deal with this. My daughter 5 was watching (without permission) a programme on Netflix on my husbands phone. As I went to take it from her a WhatsApp popped up... she tapped it as I took it and it opened up the message nothing but a message to a friend. BUT, I opened another thread when I was putting the phone down and discovered he’s been sending all his mates including two of our employees loads of pornographic videos. I think there were four but I only watched one... I feel so upset not about him necessarily watching them but sending them out??? Yuk and also it could have very easily been my children that stumbled across them! He’s asleep after one too many this afternoon which is very unlike him. He is honestly the model husband, partner and father so I am really shocked with him. For now I’ve changed the passcode... how do I handle this in the morning? Thanks for reading didn’t want to drop feed

OP posts:
stopgap · 28/07/2018 21:44

I think it’s fairly normal for most men to watch porn at some point in their lives, but it’s pretty juvenile and odd in my opinion to share videos among friends. I can imagine a 15-year-old boy doing that, but not an older married man.

FrolickingForklift · 28/07/2018 21:48

Couple of observations. Dd on phone without permission and then you use this opportunity to snoop though messages. Suspect you're looking for a reason to cause issues

Bluntness100 · 28/07/2018 21:49

He's sending his employees porn?

I don't know what your married to, but rather you than me. I've no issue with the porn watching but sending it to friends and employees tells me this man sees women as nothing more than sex objects.

He's not going to stop he will just complain uou caught him and then carry on and hide it better.

We have an acquaintance who does this, and the truth is the guys stopped finding it funny a long time ago. Most of them don't even look it anymore and they just think he's a dick.

HollowTalk · 28/07/2018 21:50

He's sending his employees porn? Is he crazy?

garethsouthgatesmrs · 28/07/2018 21:53

Suspect you're looking for a reason to cause issues
well she found a reason quite quickly really didnt she?!!

yes I would feel exactly the same as you - particularly creeped out that he sent it to employees.

You could speak to him tomorrow but I don't know what you can expect - I wouldn't trust his response as hes clearly kept something like this a secret so what else is secret.

Madonnasmum · 28/07/2018 21:54

Wrong to send porn to someone who's not asked to see it. A million times wrong to send it to an employee!

MrsDeanWinchester75 · 28/07/2018 21:55

Seems very far fetched that you accidentally opened not one but two messages and I suspect you had trust issues before this.

It wouldn't bother me at all if dh watched porn and kept it to himself but as a previous poster said it seems very immature to sending videos.

ProfessorMoody · 28/07/2018 21:55

You've changed the pass code on your husband's phone? Hmm

AutumnMadness · 28/07/2018 21:55

I don't see anything wrong in what OP did. She did not take up the phone with an objective of snooping. And I think sending porn to friends is totally vile. Sending porn to employees is not just vile but borderline illegal as it is precisely the kind of activity that encourages sexual harassment and general discrimination against women in the workplace. I would be royally pissed off.

Original poster
Differentcorner · 28/07/2018 21:57

Not looking to cause issues at all honestly. I trust him implicitly and would like to think he feels the same as me. I can laugh off the watching of porn that doesn’t really bother me, it’s the sharing. I have no reason to snoop whatsoever and we’ve been together more than 15yrs. I feel disappointed that he’s been so immature! Also wonder what he would feel if I’d sent out a load of videos of men with huge willies to all my female friends, willing to bet he’d be hurt or am I just being over sensitive? He is the most wonderful man or maybe I just have rose tinted specs on?

OP posts:
Original poster
Differentcorner · 28/07/2018 21:59

Yes I’ve changed the passcode so the kids don’t pick it up again and run the risk as I’m assuming they’re stored in his video list if been shared on WhatsApp. They have several apps in there that they are allowed to use if they ask

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 28/07/2018 22:00

Your DH is being, well, a total fucking dick head. Any employees sent porn could use them to claim sexual harassment. So not only is he being a dick he's a dick who's putting your company at risk.

TheShapeOfEwe · 28/07/2018 22:00

Weird AF to send porn to others and absolutely gross / totally inappropriate to send to employees - what a horrible and idiotic thing to do. YANBU at all to be upset, I would be having serious words

Original poster
Differentcorner · 28/07/2018 22:03

Yes which I am also the joint director of and I have a highly respected job in the NHS which would be at risk potentially so another reason why I am cross!! I only opened one message by mistake because the home button froze so I tapped the screen. He is the love of my life I don’t have TRUSt ISSUES

OP posts:
Original poster
Differentcorner · 28/07/2018 22:04

I feel like writing a note and going out early tomorrow.... I feel sick

OP posts:
IceCreamFace · 28/07/2018 22:06

Watching the porn I'd have no issue with, sending it to mates I'd find a bit juvenile but again no major issue I think it would be the fact he's sending it to employees of presumably your joint company and the fact he's leaving it so accessible on his phone that would be a problem for me.

Hippee · 28/07/2018 22:08

I'd wake him up now - I don't think I'd be able to sleep unless it had been discussed.

RedHelenB · 28/07/2018 22:09

His phone he gets to change the password!

Original poster
Differentcorner · 28/07/2018 22:11

Once he’s asleep there’s no waking him up, I don’t think I’ll be getting much sleep tonight. Obviously I hold my hands up that I snooped after I’d seen the first message/ video to see who else he’s sent it to as I could see he’d sent a lot of videos.. but I think anyone would

OP posts:
trojanpony · 28/07/2018 22:12

Don’t wake him now you won’t have any kind of sensible conversation if he is awoken from sleep

However I did read this:
including two of our employees loads of pornographic videos.

and think WTAF?!
This is NOT normal and not okay

FishingIsNotASport · 28/07/2018 22:12

So inappropriate to send this material to employees or friends. He should be very careful sending porn to employees. He could be up on a sexual harassment charge. What a way to gain the respect of your workforce. I imagine they play along as he's the boss, but privately think he's a tool.

CocoaGin70 · 28/07/2018 22:12

Wow, that is stupidity on a whole other level. And given that it could implicate you, I'd be pretty bloody furious with him. What was he thinking???

Original poster
Differentcorner · 28/07/2018 22:12

I only changed the password to his DOB to prevent my children seeing the videos if they were to pick up the phone... surely that is sensible?

OP posts:
unhappyhusbandunhappyfather · 28/07/2018 22:19

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Original poster
Differentcorner · 28/07/2018 22:21

Yes because this is my fault... so whilst I’m at it I’ll get a breast enlargement, Hollywood wax and learn to squirt shall I? Unbelievable

OP posts:
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