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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be fuming about what I’ve found on my husbands phone

109 replies

Differentcorner · 28/07/2018 21:41

Help me out with how to deal with this. My daughter 5 was watching (without permission) a programme on Netflix on my husbands phone. As I went to take it from her a WhatsApp popped up... she tapped it as I took it and it opened up the message nothing but a message to a friend. BUT, I opened another thread when I was putting the phone down and discovered he’s been sending all his mates including two of our employees loads of pornographic videos. I think there were four but I only watched one... I feel so upset not about him necessarily watching them but sending them out??? Yuk and also it could have very easily been my children that stumbled across them! He’s asleep after one too many this afternoon which is very unlike him. He is honestly the model husband, partner and father so I am really shocked with him. For now I’ve changed the passcode... how do I handle this in the morning? Thanks for reading didn’t want to drop feed

OP posts:

FrozenMargarita17 · 28/07/2018 22:22

What the fuck ! This isn't your fault OP. Ignore PP.

OctaviaOctober · 28/07/2018 22:23

Is his workplace mostly/all men?

I've worked with men who were like this. It's not only sad and immature, the whispering and giggling when they were describing scenes or naked women to each other made me feel uncomfortable. I didn't want to be included, but it was like a gross bonding thing for men only, and it had the effect of making the two women in the team feel - lesser? - because of all the talk about what's worth wanking to and what isn't (the "what" being a human woman, such nice men...)

He is potentially opening himself up to complaints if he sends a porn video to someone who doesn't want to see it, so if he won't stop for any other reason, perhaps he'll stop for that?

PineapplePen07 · 28/07/2018 22:26

What a prick you are unhappy jog along now dear.

Yanbu op, extremely irresponsible of him to put your children in a position where they could come across porn, I'd be bloody furious with him.

AnoukSpirit · 28/07/2018 22:26

Seems sensible to me to have changed it.

Sharing porn, esp with employees, is an issue. I see no problem with the way you found out, so don't let him deflect back onto you when you speak to him. However you had found out he was sending porn to your employees is no mitigation.

If he thinks that's acceptable, what the hell else is he doing?

TakeMeToKernow · 28/07/2018 22:26

Gross. How old is your DH? This does feel like the thing either teenagers or older adults who have missed the fact that its there on the internet all the time at no cost just google it ffs would do. Was there... context? Was it “funny” or a celebrity? I’ve sent that picture of Orlando Bloom on a paddle board to a lot of friends after “pub chat” on the topic... just WHY do you think he sent it?

BackWhenIWas4 · 28/07/2018 22:30

Be quiet unhappy, the grown ups are talking.

NEFink · 28/07/2018 22:30

Change the code back to his and say no more.

Check again in a week. He will minimise it as 'banter' if he thinks you only saw a snippet of whats probably a whole load of stuff, thats really in his phone.

AnotherDayAnotherName745 · 28/07/2018 22:32

His phone he gets to change the password!
Well she either needed to change it, or lock the phone away so the DCs definitely couldn't get it - I think child protection trumps respect for his right to look after his own phone security .

Original poster

Differentcorner · 28/07/2018 22:35

Thanks for everyone’s kindness

OP posts:

RatRolyPoly · 28/07/2018 22:35

Er, yeah. There's more to your husband than meets the eye. More than he's letting meet your eye, at any rate. I predict there's more for you to find about the man you're married to. Steel yourself.

DerelictWreck · 28/07/2018 22:36

unhappyhusbandunhappyfather

That is such grim and sleezy advice - clearly the OP must be somehow lacking to have caused her husband's behaviour.

Only reasonable answer right? Can't possibly take responsibility for his own actions.

Fucking hell.

Original poster

Differentcorner · 28/07/2018 22:36

No way I could wait a week before I said something plus it’s just dishonest and not how we (or how I think we do things) in our marriage

OP posts:

welshmist · 28/07/2018 22:37

A friend of OH does this sends out random rude things. OH tells me about them he thinks it is a bit juevenile.

Original poster

Differentcorner · 28/07/2018 22:39

I honestly don’t have a problem with him looking at porn but sharing it, and the banter obejectifies women and I don’t like that, plus the professional and the child safety issues. My skin is crawling... kind of feel like porn should be something you do on your own?

OP posts:

sachabloom · 28/07/2018 22:46

OP, this is not your fault and you've handled it brilliantly, and sensibly.

Speak to him in the morning.

Good luck x

Halebeke425 · 28/07/2018 22:48

How bizarre for a grown man to be sharing porn videos with not only mates but employees. Were there messages with the videos or just the videos? What were the responses? Could he have a virus or been hacked or something that has lead to spamming contacts with porn? An acquaintance of mine had something similar and I received a couple of dodgy messages from her containing weird videos and links. She sorted it but was mortified.

If it was my partner I'd just come right out and ask him what he's playing at and point out how completely immature and inappropriate he's been not to mention embarrassing - I imagine at least a couple of his mates will think he's a tosser sending out stuff like that. It's one thing to watch it privately but even among teenage boys sending porn out is a bit cringy. I'd want to get to the bottom of why he's doing this and on what planet he thinks this is acceptable behaviour from an adult, married man and employer. And I'd be seriously considering our future, it'd be very difficult for me to respect someone who thinks that's acceptable.

NEFink · 28/07/2018 22:53

Well, be prepared to never know what else he has on there, of course he will just make sure he deletes/hides it from tomorrow.

Certainly not the route I would be going down. Hes probably been sharing/looking at porn for years. I would like to know it all, before I spoke to him & you are choosing to give up your only chance of knowing.

mavydoes · 28/07/2018 22:54

Oh god I've had to do this but got bloody funny revenge when hubby talked to a woman via MSN (total honesty as I saw the script at they were just talking about politics) - she didn't see his profile saying married and I suddenly recognised her when she started playing sex questions with him - it was an old boss from my days in NHS- nearly made her crap herself when I looked in camera and told her to fuck off.

Now - men are idiots most of the time - was it male female porn or gay porn/hentai?

Major eye roll for him as he's an idiot for sending to employees but just tell him off in morning and say your kids are getting the sex ed class form him (makes most men want to vomit).

Original poster

Differentcorner · 28/07/2018 23:04

Seems it has been forwarded from someone else and then he’s shared it from there. I don’t see the point in trying to catch him out, do you really think I might be blinded to who he really is? I think he’s just been an idiot

OP posts:

Guacamole2506 · 28/07/2018 23:08

Are you sure it was definitely a porn video? I know my DP gets sent videos that look like porn but they actually trick you into watching a funny/disgusting video. Don’t think I’ve described it very well here but it’s hard to explain

Original poster

Differentcorner · 28/07/2018 23:18

I’m sure

OP posts:

Botanicbaby · 28/07/2018 23:22

Don’t let your 5yo use his phone again. I find it sad that kids that age are watching Netflix on a phone. There are so many other things they could be doing!

As for sharing porn videos with friends and employees, that’s just stupid & pathetic. I couldn’t be attracted to someone who did this. Really juvenile behaviour and even worse if he knows your kid can access the phone. Passed out from drinking earlier? He sounds like a right catch sorry OP I’m sure you deserve better. The amount of times I’ve read on here “he’s really the model husband usually...but...”

victoriaspongecake · 28/07/2018 23:28

This....from pp Ratrolypoly....Er, yeah. There's more to your husband than meets the eye. More than he's letting meet your eye, at any rate. I predict there's more for you to find about the man you're married to. Steel yourself.

Ask your husband how he would feel if that was his daughter in the video he was sharing when she is grown up.

NEFink · 28/07/2018 23:35

do you really think I might be blinded to who he really is Yes.

tolerable · 28/07/2018 23:35

op..the kids having(had) access/freedom/ability to use devices which are clearly not suitable or have potential not to be makes it an issue,based on the general no trust problems you have in your relationship..tell him the truth(without judgement if possible)and take it from there. xx

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