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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fuming about what I’ve found on my husbands phone

109 replies

Differentcorner · 28/07/2018 21:41

Help me out with how to deal with this. My daughter 5 was watching (without permission) a programme on Netflix on my husbands phone. As I went to take it from her a WhatsApp popped up... she tapped it as I took it and it opened up the message nothing but a message to a friend. BUT, I opened another thread when I was putting the phone down and discovered he’s been sending all his mates including two of our employees loads of pornographic videos. I think there were four but I only watched one... I feel so upset not about him necessarily watching them but sending them out??? Yuk and also it could have very easily been my children that stumbled across them! He’s asleep after one too many this afternoon which is very unlike him. He is honestly the model husband, partner and father so I am really shocked with him. For now I’ve changed the passcode... how do I handle this in the morning? Thanks for reading didn’t want to drop feed

OP posts:
PositiveVibez · 29/07/2018 11:31

I can laugh off the watching of porn

Yes, porn is hilarious isn't it. Watching a woman get used as a fuck hole. Yes, my sides are splitting.

Sorry OP, but your husband sounds like he is about 15. So he thinks porn is hilarious too and passing it on to employees is soooo funny.

What an absolute knobhead.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 29/07/2018 11:43

op has said the porn isn’t an issue so those who think it is can fuck off, yeah? The issue for the op is him sending it around and to his employees. That I can understand. I get that he laughed it off saying he just resends what he receives and I can kind of see why. If he’s being sent it then he’s just sending it on I can’t get too worked up about it, I’d ask him to stop, given the position he is in and it possibly jeapordising your job but other than that I don’t see any problems to be honest.

Watching porn does not mean I think rape is ok. Speaking as someone who has been raped, I don’t appreciate the bullshit that is being spouted.

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 29/07/2018 12:10

I find it interesting replies are either 'he thinks rape is OK' or 'all menwatch porn, chill out'.

Not all porn is rape.
Not all menlike porn.
Not all menwho like porn like or agree with rape.

The issues here are:

  1. The children could've seen it. Because that's the most important, as for a young child this would be really distresssing. He needs to have his phone as not available for children, realistically. Porn aside, there may be music with lots of swearing, Episodes of TWD or GoT or horror films on the phone.

  2. He thinks your concerns (which are valid) are funny. He may not agree but to laugh them off is rude. Can he not see that it's inappropriate to send to others? Can he not see his children could see it? Perhaps he's a bit meh after his hangover and will come to his senses. But if not I'd find him laughing at your concerns really unpleasant.

  3. He's sending it to people who are lower down the chain at work. This makes themsaying please don't send this harder, as he's senior. So either they like it, they don't like it but say nothing or they don't like it and put a complaint in or their wife or husband does because they find it distasteful. Whatever because, he's being vastly inappropriate. Would it be ok for him to send group messages of torture videos? How about very scary film content? Would it be fair enough for him to stroke his employees back? None are appropriate.

I'm not jumping to him being a vile human being but I am getting that he's very careless and lacks boundaries. The problem is he won't accept this. Until he realises, the only thing you can do is ensure the children don't get hold of the phone and send a message to the WhatsApp group apologising and saying no such content will be sent again.

I do feel foeyou OP.

Shortstuff08 · 29/07/2018 12:54

There's been quite a few women on mn, who absolutely trust their dh, wouldn't have dreamed of looking at their phone but had an innocent excuse to do so and found their dhs are sending porn to their friends/colleagues etc.

And all this women are usually ok with porn in general.

Weird that this happens so often

Cambionome · 29/07/2018 13:05

Good post NoughtiesTune.

RatRolyPoly · 29/07/2018 14:02

Personally I think the most concerning aspect of all of this is that something which is so normal, everyday and pedestrian to the OP's husband seems to the OP to be so unfamiliar and unprecedented of him to the OP.

If you don't really know someone you don't know what you don't know about them. And if this is his "as normal as getting out of bed in the morning", you can bet there are things under his hat that she would find so much more shocking.

There are always roots underneath the tree.

RatRolyPoly · 29/07/2018 14:04

I'm not saying that's a bad thing necessarily, I'm just saying... uncover the roots. Get to know him. Your life is bound to him through marriage, KNOW who you're living with.

Iggi999 · 29/07/2018 16:13

I feel for you as clearly your moral universe has been shaken but all men watch porn I hope you belive this now
No they don’t you sad little fucker, speak only of the men you know.

tolerable · 29/07/2018 16:23

positivevibes..have you actually watched porn ever?

rinabean · 29/07/2018 16:29

tolerable most people have, do you seriously think you're some sort of worldwide sex expert for having watched it? What a stupid question

Of course many men watch porn, many men - around a third - are self admitted rapists on anonymous surveys, so it's not surprising is it? But neither is it acceptable.

Buster72 · 29/07/2018 16:48

Actually a lot of porn is also gay, not a woman in site, some of it involves ritual humiliation of men, it is not the all encompassing evil mumsnet will have you believe.

The issues here are:
Using a device for both work and viewing porn
Distributing that to employees who may construe it as harassment, they be all matey now but a disgruntled employee will go to town with a harassment suit
And finally letting a child use the device knowing what she may stumble across.

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 29/07/2018 16:50

@rinabean where is this poll that says a third of men have raped?

I've only ever seen ones of forced fantasy not actual rape. Can you cite it?

Buster72 · 29/07/2018 16:55

Please show me these surveys were 30 percent if men admitted rape

tolerable · 29/07/2018 19:39

@rinabean .."what a stupid question"
is it,aye? how rude are you!! or -- was that determind in an anon opinion poll too.?
I'd rather ask a hundred "stupid questions"than make outrageous assumptions and condemnations. I NEVER said whether or not i had watched it or starred in or actually said anything even remotely worthy of you launching the "worldwide sex expert" nonsense.
.

tolerable · 29/07/2018 20:29

op=@ differentcorner ... sorry,i had came back to see if youd done update. do you feel like its a resolved thing now?x

Original poster
Differentcorner · 30/07/2018 03:24

Not really i feel like I don’t know the man I’ve been with for 14 years! We’ve not had a chance to talk any further and I’m still awake. He’s not apologised or anything I’m hoping it’s just because he feels really embarrassed. I feel angry too, maybe wrongly that aside from the previous mentioned concerns this is really fair on me as his wife aside from anything else

OP posts:
Peakypolly · 30/07/2018 04:06

I had a thread on here a few months back about a contact, via a hobby, who was sending pornographic videos around the Group WhatsApp. The group were all men.
My DH and some other members of the club blocked him after the third occasion (first time thought could be an error, second time asked him to stop sending it to them, third time block) but they basically just eye-rolled about this guy saying what a sad git he was. I, on the other hand, thought it was awful for the reason you say Differentcorner, we share devices with (teen) DC and I didn’t want them to see their DF as party to this type of video sharing,if they happened to see them on his phone.
I started a thread because I wanted to confront this mans intrusion into my family dynamic. I got some good advice and phrases to use. I spoke to him at the annual ‘do’ and asked why he thought his wank fodder would be interesting to anyone but him. He was pretty stunned for a second but then blusted about it just being a bit of fun and maybe we should keep our phones separate. I felt better not letting it lie, but, as PP say, I think some men just think it makes them seem ‘one of the lads’.
I hope you DH upon consideration will change his habit and will apologise for casusing you upset. I hope you do know him and, as such,come realise he is being juvenile rather than offensive.
This is not an issue about the rights or wrongs of porn, it is about the sharing.

Coyoacan · 30/07/2018 05:00

Sorry, OP, but I live in Mexico and everyday young girls are going missing, often into the porn and prostitution industry and usually turning up murdered a few months later. I have a dd and a dgd and find it extremely upsetting to read all these cool women normalising porn

RatRolyPoly · 30/07/2018 09:21

Not really i feel like I don’t know the man I’ve been with for 14 years

Herein lies the crux of the problem.

Itsnotabingthingisit · 30/07/2018 09:39

Sending porn videos to a Whatsapp group is juvenile and sleazy.

Sending them to employees is just plain stupid, I can't comprehend the level of idiocy that results in this behaviour.

Using a device that your DC use to do this with is negligent , thoughtless and all kinds of wrong.

As a man who watches porn on his phone, there are many ways you can ensure it stays private to you ( incognito browsing, deleting all history , cookies etc ) . I certainly would not keep anything stored , either on a message thread or downloaded. My behaviour is bad enough and not something I'm massively proud of , but I would never do what your husband has done..that is really quite extreme behaviour. I don't know of any men that would be so reckless and then dismissive after being confronted about it.

Dopplerineffect · 30/07/2018 11:21

My behaviour is bad enough and not something I'm massively proud of , but I would never do what your husband has done..that is really quite extreme behaviour.

If you are not proud of it , why do you continue to do it?

QuackPorridgeBacon · 30/07/2018 11:24

I’d say not proud given all the negativity around porn. It does have some shame feel to it but it really shouldn’t. I enjoy porn but like above I do it incognito etc and don’t save videos to my phone, but I don’t go around telling the world because a lot of people look down on porn and the person watching it.

Original poster
Differentcorner · 30/07/2018 12:54

I don’t mean to have caused offence to anyone. I feel very lonely as I can’t very well talk to anyone IRL keep finding myself thinking ‘ I need to talk to Mr Different corner... I need him’ then sadly remember this is him. I don’t have any desire to shame him by telling any of our friends by confiding in them.. wish I knew what to do

OP posts:
Saloubalou · 30/07/2018 18:21

Has he said nothing more about it?
Flowers

tolerable · 30/07/2018 19:27

op. you didnt cause offense to anyone. the offended tend to go off on their own issues . I kinda get the feeling isolated n left to stew thing tho. Its crap

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