To feel resentful towards ageing parents

[WhiteDust]

My parents had a busy social life when we were growing up. As children we obviously fitted in with them and were looked after by relatives or stayed with friends if they wanted to go away for weekends, nights out or on holidays with friends for example. Weeks at home were busy with events/organisations they were involved in and they had a full and interesting life.
I left home and had my own family. Mum & Dad visited occasionally but had retired early and were busy getting on with their own lives, away a lot, seeing friends, doing community stuff etc. We visited them too occasionally but contact was every few months or so.
Fast forward 15 years. They are now in their mid 70s and now don't travel on their own due to health problems (last 2 years really), they have lost many of their friends who have passed away in the last few years but gave money and a comfortable life.
So, the problem. WE - my DH, DC (now in their teens & not particularly close to my parents) and I have become the focus of their time.
They want to stay with us regularly, phone me every evening, want to join us if we mention going away somewhere...
I am annoyed, feel suffocated and resentful. It's like they have had their fun (excluding us - we never went with them on their holidays when the children were small). We rarely saw them. Now it's all the time.
AIBU & WWYD?

Good post echt

Great post Echt. I'm filing 'pachydermic parent' for future use

IME women often are expected to do more than male siblings. I'm of an age now where many of my friends' parents are elderly and need support. Unless there is a huge geographical reason 'why not' it's the women who are expected to be the 'carers'.

I think as I said upthread it's hard to be objective over @whitdust post. There are always 2 sides to relationships.

On MN there are as many threads encouraging women to 'have a life' once they have children, put them in nursery when they are months old, and not allow them to clip our wings YET we have adult children saying their parents did 'have a life' when they were children, and they feel hard done by. As a parent you cannot win!!!!

I don't know- we'd need a fuller picture from the OP.

Relationships are a two-way process @whitedust. You said you moved away and visited 'every few months'. Why only that much?

As I said before, it's easy to be cynical and think your parents only want you now to provide some social life for them. On the other they may think time is running out to see you all.

Your parents are still young (ish). Mine are in their 90s. Dad died weeks ago at 92. Mum got a new life in her early 70s when she joined the WI. She is now a committee member and has masses of friends.

Your parents sound as if they were very active and sociable so it's not too late for them to rekindle that surely?

But I agree that as a family you all need - your siblings- to have a pow-wow over long term support for your parents if you feel it's falling on you. I know you feel they are 'using you' but their side might be (just consider this ) that they worked hard all their lives to give you a comfortable childhood, (they must be quite well off to retire at 50) , they didn't make any demands on you before. I don't know- just suggesting another side to it.

Only you know if your parents are trying to rekindle something and build bridges or if they are using you due to boredom. All I'd say is that we all make mistakes as parents- you will be too, now with your own children- and we ought to find room in our hearts to forgive if we can.

The one other thing I thought of, is are your parents really too old to travel alone now? Or maybe just not as they used to? Bearing in mind my friends' parents who are all mid 80s and older, mid 70s is very young to give up travel. I know many much older people who use assisted travel on the train ( escorted at both ends, luggage taken on and off for them).

I don't know your parents' health issues but cruises are full of elderly and infirm people! Maybe you can open their minds to what they COULD do because it does sound as if they have given up quite easily.

Maybe if you could tell us more about their health we could come up with more ideas to help them stay independent and less of a burden?

I've read all of your posts everyone - thank you for so many thought provoking questions and advice. Also for the empathy.
I feel so much guilt for feeling the way I do. Churlish really!
As I said upthread, they are nice people but have just been so busy enjoying their lives, their friends, their experiences. We have not been physically involved in each other's lives to a great extent over the years. We talk obviously, They have always told me their news but our conversations are rather one sided!
They are a team my Mum & Dad and we are on the outside looking in!
We weren't 'neglected' by definition my siblings and I but as a poster said upthread, we were left to our own devices and looking back, we filled our own time & had a ridiculous amount of freedom from an early age! I used to find it fascinating that my friend's families actually did stuff together!
As an adult, this has just continued, I have my own 'team' (my DH/Grown DC) and we have a nice life. I do a lot with my DC, we go places, see friends, day to day stuff.
My parents haven't really been involved enough to see my family evolve & grow.
I do feel that as their health and their ability to live how they are used to living declines, they are 'muscling in' on the life I have built without them around!

This post resonates :

Yesterday 15:32 SenecaFalls
I get that but I wish they had nurtured their relationship with us more.
I understand that, and maybe you don't trust their motives in their newfound interest in you and your family, but if you can find the right balance, you and they have an opportunity to mend that to a large extent.

Thanks for all the replies, many of you have talked about balance. This is what we nee!
Finally, to answer the biggest question... Yes, I do love my Mum and Dad & it's never too late to build bridges!

Just to add, YY to all who have suggested cruises, clubs, activities etc!! I think they're finding the transition from active retirees with endless time & money to older, more sedentary people very difficult. They are bored.

place marking to read all posts later, but in anser to OP, I hear you.

My parents' parenting of me was so shit, but it's all forgotten now.

Robbed me of any right to a sense of self, my self-esteem was in the gutter til I was 40. I was raised to be 100% people pleaser. My mother used to zone out and put us to bed at 16.00 and give us dozol repeatedly til we fell asleep.

It meant my relationships were all with abusive people. Blame isn't the right word but they are the reason I am relentlessly single and will continue to be. My 74 year old mother does what she always does and TELLS me what I think and feel (apparently I don't want a relationship cos I think all men are bastards).

I'm just taking a big ste back right now following a family do where she used me to people please on her behalf even though I'd asked her not to do what she did.

She's probably thinking ''oh yaloveras must be going through the menopause''. I couldn't POSSIBLY be taking a step back from her because I have decided I can't handle her.

YaLoVeras
That sounds very difficult.

It took me a LONG time to navigate through life/ relationships to get to where I am now. I hated being on my own especially when I was in my 20s. I couldn't understand why I wasn't part of anything! It was lonely!

''Ask them for money every time they call/come round. You'll soon see/hear less of them!''

That doesn't work on my parents. I've realised that the only reaction they're comfortable with is gratitude. I've people pleased relentlessly partly as I felt beholden. When I turn down their financial help I'm 'churlish', ''making a point'' (that's allowed surely?' and then when I don't feel beholden to them and feel able to turn now invites to their house for sunday lunch, I feel better but they try and 'restore' the balance they're comfortable with, ie, me feeling beholden/obligated.

@whitedust, a lot of what you say really strikes a chord. I was lonely too in my twenties. They kind of stifled me but it was a fictional version of me that they SAW. So I ended up with controlling men who didn't SEE me. I get all that now though. My parents' parents were all dead by the time I was 11 though and 2 were gone before I was born, so like your parents, they have no experience of their own parents continuing to tell them what to do beyond their 20s. I'm 48 now and my parents still expect gratitude and obedience! I got a job recently and I announced to silence that it was my priority and that nothing was going to stand between me and my job. At the moment, as a single parent that means leaving my teens at home for longer than is ideal in the afternoon but later in life I do not want to hand over my 50s and 60s to them. I feel like it has taken me this long to recover from their emotional neglect. I only got this within the last decade though. I used to think they were lovely people. And I guess they sort of are as long as you don't challenge any of their beliefs.

Thanks for starting this thread.

on the subject of family dos, I refused to go to the last one. I am just so tired of it all.

I hesitated about linking this - thought of it yesterday, but thought no one is at that stage yet. However, it might be useful to some folk actually so here it is

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/elderly_parents/3240378-Probably-going-down-in-flames

Thanks for the link. You are hoping that they will die soon? That's sad. You can't help how you feel, but it is very sad.

@AStatelyPleasureDome

I take it you haven't read the thread!

Only the first few posts - it was to depressing to read any further.

it looks depressing on the surface but it's given me the courage to stop doing the 3 hour round trip and stop spending half my weekend there, as well as other things.

so possibly on this thread no one is at that stage, but if you are, you might find it helps a bit.

Only the first few posts - it was to depressing to read any further.

You need to find a way not to project your own deal onto everyone else, and that's always the problem in threads like this.

I always feel that part of the problem here is that the 'couple' model (with people living longer and so on) forces people to depend on each other/family rather than integrating themselves into the community, which would then become their support in their older years.

But there's no question, if you've no real interest in your kids' lives, or their children (gc) as older adults etc, don't have any expectation that those people will be flocking around seeing you through bad health, dementia, all the things that can happen when you're older. You reap what you sow. Someone mentioned lack of insight above. That's so true. These are all conversations that need to be had.

It really isn't sad. I posted on that thread. I loved my parents very much and resented nothing I did for them, but at 99 my dad said constantly that he wanted to die, while my mum was in such a poor way that only a sadist wouldn't have wanted her to go in peace. There's a time for everything and when someone's quality of life is nonexistent anyone who loves them would want it to be over.

I agree Bluelady. Both my DP died a long time ago, in my mother's case it was for the best, as she had no quality of life. But I do miss them both very much, they were not perfect parents, who is, but I know they loved me very much.

I think we all project to a greater or lesser extent - how could we not? If you lose your parents at a relatively young age, it is hard for that not to affect your thinking.

But my understanding is that OP's parents are some way from their demise, but she resents what she sees as their unreasonable demands for a closer relationship after previously being much more detached/independent.

Similarish thing here. Since my dad passed away my mum's all over like a rash. Wasn't like that before. She's since realised how important family is.

I think you're being very unreasonable. You say many of their friends have died? Well perhaps what they're thinking is that at some point they are going to die, they're getting to that age where they're facing their own mortality and it's scary. They want to spend it with loved ones.

Well perhaps what they're thinking is that at some point they are going to die, they're getting to that age where they're facing their own mortality and it's scary. They want to spend it with loved ones

Except they want to spend it with the OP, not her brothers. Also have not had great involvement with OP and her family up until wanting to do so now.

Tbh, from what you say I think you have been fortunate to have parents like that. I'd have loved to grow up with interesting parents.

They are old now and naturally their worlds have become smaller and their focus is different.

Try to get them to cut down on the 'phone calls, once a week is sufficient except in an emergency.

Do try to see your parents every few weeks, they'll appreciate that - and it's not too late for them to build a closer relationship with their grandchildren. It sounds as though they would have plenty to discuss with teenage children, based on their life experiences.

It's does sound a little intense. Tbf my mum was similar and it drove me mad. Then she got sick and I liked the contact more and more. Then she died and I'd do anything to have her nosing in my life again. C'est la vie

I could be wrong but what I think OP is dealing with is that she'd made her own peace with her parents life long lack of involvement (which would be construed by most as disinterest). And this sudden change has thrown that all up in the air for her so shes now got to find her way to reconcile that with her own feelings. It's pretty natural response. They've obviously loved her all along but not met her needs in the way she wants or should. Maybe they're selfish or maybe it's all they knew how to behave.

I've similar situation. Personally I'm only just at the reconciling that my parents are not or have ever met my emotional needs stage... and also knowing that on the horizon is a time where they're going to demand something from me I've never received from them- i.e. support. On balance having them in my life is better than not but doesn't mean it's not confusing and hurtful.