To feel resentful towards ageing parents

[WhiteDust]

My parents had a busy social life when we were growing up. As children we obviously fitted in with them and were looked after by relatives or stayed with friends if they wanted to go away for weekends, nights out or on holidays with friends for example. Weeks at home were busy with events/organisations they were involved in and they had a full and interesting life.
I left home and had my own family. Mum & Dad visited occasionally but had retired early and were busy getting on with their own lives, away a lot, seeing friends, doing community stuff etc. We visited them too occasionally but contact was every few months or so.
Fast forward 15 years. They are now in their mid 70s and now don't travel on their own due to health problems (last 2 years really), they have lost many of their friends who have passed away in the last few years but gave money and a comfortable life.
So, the problem. WE - my DH, DC (now in their teens & not particularly close to my parents) and I have become the focus of their time.
They want to stay with us regularly, phone me every evening, want to join us if we mention going away somewhere...
I am annoyed, feel suffocated and resentful. It's like they have had their fun (excluding us - we never went with them on their holidays when the children were small). We rarely saw them. Now it's all the time.
AIBU & WWYD?

I take the point. I apologise. But it is an observation that many of us have made. As objective as we try to be. Incidentally I find the much older generation a lot more caring....

Ageism is not just about older people though.

Not being interested in grandchildren when they're in that 'boring and tiring' stage is also agism.

Saying things like 'we never got any help or 'we had 15% interest rates"
' well you will choose a career' (When most families need 2 incomes to even survive' are also ageism

totally dont understand this now......how are those comments connected with agism please?

Similar here.

I wasn't neglected as a child but I was low down in the pecking order as other relatives took priority. I grew up very independent as a result and have just got on with life.

Now those relatives have gone my Mum wants a relationship with me we have never really had. I do my best to direct it in a way that is best for me but I feel very guilty as my Mum is quite needy.

No advice I'm afraid.

I won't judge you at all. But this woman did a really shitty thing

The point I am making is that we frequently have no real idea behind other people’s decision making and what might be going on for them. People make difficult decisions every day. Decisions they’d rather not make. Decisions which feel wrong when you don’t know the whole story. You were basically saying that woman deserved to have problems with her children. I am offering an alternative way of looking at it.

And the cats in the cradle and silver spoon...

I can understand where you are coming from OP .My dad whilst he supported the family was never an affectionate dad if that makes sense .We lost my mum in her early sixties and my dad then was barely In we would goes days and days without seeing him ,he barely came to see my DC's .He then developed cancer and myself and my sibling cared for him in the final stages before he passed away .He did actually say to me I wish I had been a better dad ,Had spent more time with you and your DS as you were growing up .Sadly my DC's never had that bond because he never really bothered with them which I do really regret. Before he passed he saw the vicar and he also said to them I wish now I had spent more time with my family and my GC.
We cared for him because luckily we were able to take the time off work ,It was hard I am not going to lie. But OP I can understand .It is a difficult situation to be in .

My Grandparents were wonderful as was my Great Aunt, my mum did her very best with with no money and great stress, my Dad was a cunt who i hope dies alone and scared.
We are all different, no generation is "bad" or "good"

The OP needs to figure out if she loves her mum and dad and how much she ll do for them as they became old and infirm because their health and neediness wont get any better.

MyfriendFlickr My DCs were the last in a long line of GC so I think they were bored with the whole GPing thing by the time mine came along! So I had a double whammy.... not very good at parenting me, and no good at being GPs to my kids!

I didn't need to tell my kids anything, they were very clever at sensing it! You get out of GC what you put in...

I think I would keep the contact to the previous level. Don’t answer nightly calls (my friend lets hers go to answerphone), wait a few days before calling back, or say ‘let’s speak on a Tuesday then we’ll have more news to share’. Invite them only to what you want to. Say ‘no, that won’t work for us’ if they invite themselves. Suggest ways they could do things (buses, taxis, volunteer schemes). Re establish the old norm ‘we don’t need to be in each others pockets’ . And have frank conversations with your dbros about how the three of you will share any future things your parents do need practically.

We’ve had to go NC with DH’s family, unfortunately, for similar reasons. They weren’t truly elderly or in ill health, but incredibly demanding. We were in our early 20s and going round there pretty much every day.

I think it was fear- of DH ‘leaving them’, and it became a self fulfilling prophesy because they suffocated us. The context to this is a history of emotional abuse, executed mainly by MIL throughout DH’s childhood- I think she was scared of losing control, and things escalated.

In contrast, my parents are delighted to see us, but have minimal expectations. They are loving and involved grandparents, but there’s no agenda. My Mum’s always said that her philosophy is that my brother and I will hopefully know that we are truly loved, welcome any time, and that there’s no expectation on her part- she thinks that’s the healthiest way to have a relationship with adult children.

Would we care for PIL in old age? Honestly, I don’t know. I can imagine visiting once a month or so, but I like to think that I wouldn’t feel any obligation. Maybe it’d be more from guilt though?

ilovesliz it is brilliant that you picked up DD from the airport. I used to live abroad and got lots of tearful, guilt- inducing phone calls from my dm. However, on my visits home I would be left to lug big bags on tubes, buses and trains, she never showed up to help me.
I will always offer to meet my ds at the airport.

OP I don’t think you should feel at all guilty for distancing yourself from them. You will still see them and talk to them but they need to know that they can’t depend on you for everything. They are being quite cheeky by changing tack when it suits them.

colditz and later iced
I cannot help thinking that people born postwar have grown up quite selfish and VERY grabby.
my overriding experience of this post war generation is one of selfishness and lack of understanding for others. Sure there have been some brilliant innovators and socialists...but day to day a very me me me attitude pervades. I work with this age group and I see it all of the time.
so you apply this to an entire generation who grew up while there was still rationing (some of it up till 1953)
who fought for the equality of women - the first feminists - who wanted equal pay, equal opportunities
who paid tax at 32%
who only went to university if they were in the top 10%
who paid high mortgage rates and DID not cause massive house price increases
who had no child tax credits, childcare paid
who did not get any child benefit for the first child
who did not get NI credits for family responsibility
who often looked after their own parents rather than offloading to the state
you get my drift.

No generation is perfect - I dislike ageism of any kind and feel it is at least as reprehensible as sexism.
OP - if your parents do not need care and have plenty of money - I would try to curb their constant requests - be assertive if necessary.

I can see why you're feeling resentful. They sound like they were disengaged and not particularly present when you were growing up. They haven't had an epiphany over how things were, but see you as a convenient way to maintain their standard of socialising. I suspect if your brothers' interests did align with theirs they'd be keener on contact with them.

I think you have to decide what you are comfortable with. I do speak to my mum most days on the phone, but I try and phone her at least half the time. That way, it's not the dreaded sound of the phone ringing IYKWIM. I don't have her to stay with us anymore as she seriously overshot boundaries when she went rifling through drawers looking for paperwork. I do go on holiday with her, but if it's for a week, then it's somewhere with a half-board option and separate sleeping arrangements (hotel or a holiday park).

Saying things like 'we never got any help or 'we had 15% interest rates"
' well you will choose a career' (When most families need 2 incomes to even survive' are also ageism

What are you on about? How is that ageism? People of my parents’ generation who experienced the 15% interest rates also both had careers. I don’t get how making these comments could possibly be ageist.

Drearydeadre you are right ageism is bad and unacceptable .

Overall life is better now BUT not for everyone. My point was badly phrased and probably agist, but my point was that with the 'selfish parents' everyone is discussing there does seem to be a genuine theme about lack of empathy for how their own children are going through life, often coupled with a general sense of 'you're on your own'. My parents worked in low paid work, originally just my dad and mum sahm..and managed to buy a 3 bed house. They did this at age 25!. Sure money was tight but we didn't go without. Conversely this is an unachievable thing for a 25 year old today. I'm not trying to derail the thread but I just know too many people with parents in mid 70s with the attitude of 'your on your own like us'. Mine have been like that since I was 18. It also was not that unusual. Same happened to many of my peers. So I can only conclude it was a generation thing. I can't imagine telling my dc when they get to 18 to ship out. Partially because I know how hard it was for me. It wasn't easy in the late 80s so I suspect it's no better now. I have no desire for them to learn hard life lessons straight away. Sure stand on your own to feet, have freedom but not just be cut adrift.
I mention this as sounds that's exactly what OP and others describe from their parents. It's only when you have your own dc you see how wrong that is.

OP I feel like you...but I will.not cut my elderly parents adrift when the time comes because I have empathy. I'm just working out a way (therapy?) to not be resentful.

drearydeardre, I say what I see.

there is a distinct generation gap between those who EXPERIENCED rationing (3 year olds do not experience rationing) and those PARENTS experienced rationing.

On the whole, people born before 1940 are less selfish and less demanding of their adult offspring, and more willing to be grandparents, more willing to occupy themselves, and more polite when they do ask for things.

iloveliz your story reminds me that when I went to university for the 1st time at age 18, my mother refused to drive me there (my father was away on a work conference that he had a key role in that had been organised 3 years in advance i.e. couldn't be moved). It was only a 1.5 hour drive (and I could have driven one way) but took a large portion of the day for me to make the same journey via public transport lugging all my belongings with me. There was absolutely no reason for her not to take me other than simply not wanting to.

As an adult looking back, I realise she was, of course, not obliged to take me (and I clearly managed to get there myself) but this very much typified the way our relationship was - she wouldn't put herself out for me, but expected me to drop everything to suit her.

totally dont understand this now......how are those comments connected with agism please?

It's ageism to extrapolate from a few negative experiences with the Baby Boomer generation, which by definition is entirely composed of older people, to the entire generation. One poster used the word "selfish" to do this. It's also ageist toward young people, for example, to say things like Millennials are self-absorbed snowflakes. Negative generalizations are the basis for "isms."

IME, and based on the experiences of many of my friends, there is something going on with that post-war generation, but I don't see it as selfishness so much as the after-effects of trauma. We're only just now coming to grips with epiphigenetics and the way trauma changes our genes etc and neither generation went in much for therapy or at least not in my culture.

One thing I remember from my childhood is how much drinking went on, very much hands off /lack of interest in childrearing by most of the parents, parties etc, a form of coping maybe? Who knows what they had to deal with as kids from their undoubtedly traumatized WW2 parents.

I'm not excusing their behaviour and I''m not close with my parents as a result. I just wonder.

My parents grew up in a very safe, remote part of Scotland. There was rationing when they were very young, but I wouldn't say they were traumatised in any way by war. I think it's more to do with the hippy/free spirit vibe they embraced which boiled down to 'don't bother your arse doing any parenting' and have lots of parties/drinking. When I was a child, it also coincided with the advent of people having TV at home, which impacted on how families spent time together. Strangely, as a grandmother, my DM spouts traditional parenting advice as if she was some kind of role model. I think she's totally rewritten everything.

PatchworkElmer, my parents sound like your DH's! Like so many PPs here, my mother emotionally abused and emotionally neglected us as children (as the eldest, I would get the brunt of it). Now I'm mid-20s, DM is just into her 50s and is starting to find my and DSis' independence threatening so she's trying to pull us (me) back. I can't see her being a big part of my own family's life and she certainly won't be holidaying with us or having lots of days out. Just today, my dad has won photography prizes in a local show, including Best in Show, and she's annoyed because that means she has to stay till the end so he could collect his trophy

In contrast, DP's parents are kind, supportive and loving of all their children (and their children's partners) and I wouldn't hesitate to help them out in the future.

There are lots of people telling you to distance yourself and put yourself first while simultaneously telling you not to feel guilty. Whatever you do, you will feel guilty.

My experience was very different to yours. I won the lottery where parents are concerned, we were close all my life. We had holidays together for years, I last took them abroad when Dad was 95 and Mum was 93. For the last four or five years of their lives I was essentially running two houses, it broke my heart to put them in a care home and when they died shortly thereafter. But I still felt guilty when they went.

My point isn't to polish my halo but to show that guilt is inevitable. A five minute daily conversation isn't much to ask, nor is the odd visit or outing. You may find you enjoy their company and develop a relationship that gives you pleasure. It might be worth a try. Tit for tat is never a good look.

dont think its particularly helpful to refer to Babyboomer or Millenial....life is far more nuanced than that.

My mother was bitterly resentful at having to be a parent when we were children and at being a grandmother when my older DCs were young.
Now that she’s older and on her own, (and has made friends who dote on their grandchildren) she suddenly wants to be involved.

I’ve helped her with practical issues but I cannot pretend we’re a close, loving, ready made family now that she wants to play grandma.

Every time I’ve let my guard down, she’s pulled some poisonous shit with my DC.

It’s like that fable with the scorpion who wants a ride across the river: she can’t help but sting, it’s in her nature .

It’s a difficult line to walk OP, and you have to strike a balance that works for you.

I hope I’m a good person, who would instinctively want to help a vulnerable person.

Yet I keep firmly at arms length my widowed elderly mother, who is an active churchgoer and presents as the sweetest little old lady.

DH, Dsis, Dsil and, despite my best efforts DS1 have, over the years, seen how quickly and accurately she can turn and strike.
It’s helped me not to waver.
Can you speak to your brothers about your feelings and agree to share the burden enough that they’re not neglected physically or financially but you don’t have to take on the emotional heft?

I do enough to stop guilt haunting me when she’s gone but try to police boundaries so she can’t hurt me, DH, DSis or the DCs.

It’s not easy.

One of the most interesting threads I've read in ages, though sad because of so many PPs raised in emotionally cold/distanced families.

Anyway OP, here goes.

You need to speak to your brothers about your parents' expectations, both their overwhelming nature and their focus on you. What is their attitude? Will they resist stepping up?

Your parents' self-centred behaviour over your lifetime, and the fact that they they seamlessly move on to depending on you, with no reference to the past, shows they have rhino-like hides, a real lack of insight into themselves. This is why you have to sit down and tell them how you feel about your childhood.

It is very likely they will be amazed and/or weep/deny, but they need to know. This is especially important because as they've plainly sized up their preferences and selected you over your brothers, they're not daft and have an eye to the main chance.

The distancing techniques advised upthread will work to some extent to protect yourself, but your pachydermic parents are unlikely to understand why, and deadbeat as they have been emotionally, they're not too old for this wake-up call. In the nicest possible way, they are owed an explanation because they are your parents.

For background, I am widowed, in my early 60s with a grown-up child about to set up independently. A recent injury, temporary, has opened my eyes to what physical limitations can mean, and what can be reasonably asked for by way of support.

Good luck, WhiteDust