To feel resentful towards ageing parents

[WhiteDust]

My parents had a busy social life when we were growing up. As children we obviously fitted in with them and were looked after by relatives or stayed with friends if they wanted to go away for weekends, nights out or on holidays with friends for example. Weeks at home were busy with events/organisations they were involved in and they had a full and interesting life.
I left home and had my own family. Mum & Dad visited occasionally but had retired early and were busy getting on with their own lives, away a lot, seeing friends, doing community stuff etc. We visited them too occasionally but contact was every few months or so.
Fast forward 15 years. They are now in their mid 70s and now don't travel on their own due to health problems (last 2 years really), they have lost many of their friends who have passed away in the last few years but gave money and a comfortable life.
So, the problem. WE - my DH, DC (now in their teens & not particularly close to my parents) and I have become the focus of their time.
They want to stay with us regularly, phone me every evening, want to join us if we mention going away somewhere...
I am annoyed, feel suffocated and resentful. It's like they have had their fun (excluding us - we never went with them on their holidays when the children were small). We rarely saw them. Now it's all the time.
AIBU & WWYD?

Mistress
Thank you for your balanced post!

I feel that my parents would love the retirement village way of life but are very attached to their home. They have money & are missing their independence. I get that but I wish they had nurtured their relationship with us more.

I cared for my MIL until she died. I would do it again without a second thought. She was fabulous- warm, witty and wise and she would have done the same for me if she could.

However, my parents have made it clear all my life that I am an inconvenience and sent me (and only me, not my siblings) to boarding school so they wouldn't have to deal with me. They have never missed an opportunity to let me down. So no, I will not be caring for them in their old age. There are a number of people I would do everything for, up to and including wiping their backsides and bathing them, should it come to that (My SIL and several older friends) but my parents don't get to treat me with contempt all my life and then call in a non-existent debt when all of the more interesting people are either dead or not interested.

It is absolutely true that we learn how to treat the vulnerable from our parents- my children see us making every effort to support a relative with dementia, for example. But my parents taught me that if care is inconvenient, you can just outsource it and someone else will take care of everything.

There was a thing on the World Service about Indian elderly people and care homes yesterday. Basically saying that there were real issues with abuse and/or the lack of care homes or families in the country available to care, etc...

The thing is and I say this to myself regularly is that I'm not responsible for my DM's social life. She is remarkably unaware of quite how miserable she can be and I've been listening to the detriment of my own MH for years now. I love her dearly but she's not always likeable or easy. It's blinking hard.

I realised really recently when we had some major problems with one of the dc that my parents were only interested in us if we were 'entertaining' them. Bloody selfish. I then replayed the previous 20 years and could not recall a time when they'd gone out of their way to organise or do anything for us. Everything was led by us and they quite often came and pissed all over it. I'm not doing it any more.
We only started inviting them to things when we had the kids anyway. The dc adore them.
Some parents forget that they are the parents. Age doesn't come in to it. I could not imagine treating my kids like that. Anything would be amazing. Even just one thoughtful gift or even arranging a meal in a pub. But no. It's easy to get sucked into the role of doing everything.
I totally hear you! At the moment I've gone very low contact after telling them this and they denying (they called me 'venomous). They've made no effort to rectify things. If my daughter said that to me I'd be doing everything to improve things. Selfish and narcissistic parents never change.
I will probably suck it up as the dc love them but it's so gutting to have it confirmed that they don't care and are selfish once and for all.
I'm dreading their decent into.old age. It's starting. They're mid 70s.

I am going to go against the grain a bit here @WhiteDust

I think there is a happy medium. Phoning you daily is a bit much. Wanting to join you on hols and with outings is a bit much.

They are not that old really in mid 70s though you say they have health issues. My parents made new friends in their 70s. My dad died a few weeks ago in his 90s. My mum has an active social life and she is 91. I live too far away for them to use me and my DCs as a means to alleviate boredom. I talk to my mum maybe 2-3 times a week.

What does come over is that you don't seem to love your parents. You appear resentful that they had lives that were busy when you were younger. There is no info about how they felt towards you- being busy as parents doesn't always mean you neglect your children.
Did you feel unloved?

I think your post is really sad. It seems that you want to pay them back for what they didn't give you when you were a child.

Did they help you at all? Did they do childcare? Were they hands on grandparents?

I think on the one hand you should show some compassion if you can. Most posts so far are about 'treat them as they treated you'. Hmm.

maybe they regret the past, maybe they realise time is running out.

Many of us do things for our parents we'd rather not. I drive for 5 hrs on my own to visit mum. I'm in my early 60s now, still work and also have DCs who are not married but live away so am pulled in all directions.
Mum did do a lot for me, so I feel it's only right I do what I can for her now.

I think you ought to encourage your parents to get new friends- they are not old! maybe include them with some things you do, but also explain that you need family time that doesn't include them. If you have caller display, let the phone ring and don't pick up every night. Don't return calls quickly...let them understand you are busy.

But don't do anything you will look back on and regret once they are dead. And also understand how you treat your parents is a role model for how your DCs may treat you . you never know how the future will pan out.

You had to fit in around their plans when you needed them the most - now they have to fit in around yours.

It is truly said "What goes around, comes around".

Don't feel guilty. You have made you own life in their (chosen) absence. That is for them to deal with, not you.

I get that but I wish they had nurtured their relationship with us more.

I understand that, and maybe you don't trust their motives in their newfound interest in you and your family, but if you can find the right balance, you and they have an opportunity to mend that to a large extent.

I had a somewhat distant relationship with my mother most of my life largely due to the fact that most of her energy and attention was focused on her relationship with my stepfather, with whom I was not very compatible. After he died when she was in her late 70s, she began to reach out to me and over the years, we became very close. She died three years ago at the age of 93. Of the many things in my life that I am grateful for, restoring my relationship with my mother is at the top of my list.

YANBU - they have put their self-interest before yours all their lives, and they're still doing it now.
You've pretty much worked this out though, I think, and I think your reaction is exactly what they should have expected, given the way they've been all their lives with you.

As others have said, if you don't want them to try and invite themselves along to stuff, don't tell them what you're doing - they don't need to know and they don't need to come with you all the time.

Wow LatitiaLouise, what a thoughtful post. Thank you!
You have given me a lot to think about!
I'm going out now but will reply later!

t's like they've come out of nowhere in the last couple of years. A sudden desire (coinciding with their inability to live their own life the way they always have) to be part of a 'close' family

It;s because OP they are facing their own mortality. The older you get, you realise 'oh hell, this is it' so they are now wanting to be with you, which I agree is not fair when they didn't put you first as a child. Do they show any remorse for that in anything they say or do?

This is an interesting thread. I wonder why I was so ready to pander to my DPs in their old age and I think it's because I was still trying to gain approval from them that never came when I was younger. Pretty pathetic I know. So I think OP you have to do what is right for just you... not cutting them off, but also not being at their beck and call.

Can you get pass your history? Would you like to get to know them?
You may be able to get to know them as equals.
You miss out growing up but if you like them you may really get to enjoy them now?
If your husband and kids are willing try to build a fresh relationship.
If you think that it's not something you want to explore tell them.
It's very important to let them know how difficult it is to get past how little you know them.
It does seem unfair to have them now when they could have been there more when they were fit and healthy.

Also to others! This thread has attracted so many intelligent responses giving different opinions.
I'll be back later!

Ask them for money every time they call/come round. You'll soon see/hear less of them!

*My mother died when I was 23, my father when I was a child.

When I read posts like this I wonder if the OP would like to swap places, have a lifetime of no parents/grandparents for help, support and love or swap for a few years of need and dependence*

Posts like this make me sad. I had precious little in the way of support and no help from them. To this day , they sit on a small fortune while their adult grandchildren scrabble about.

Just because they are old doesn't make them nice.

OP I would urge you and your parents to make sensible decisions about extreme old age. Supporting those, who have been unkind to you, is not easy.

@Viques. I am sorry for your loss but do you really think that is a helpful comment.

Ask them for money every time they call/come round. You'll soon see/hear less of them!

c3pu

Inspired!

Reading with interest. My parents are very wrapped up in their work and interests, but are due to retire closer to me (30 minutes drive) in the next few years (house is bought already). They have not engaged in life with my children (they spend much more time with my childless sister in a different country than they do with me, and fairly regularly pass within 20 minutes of my home without making contact) but I expect on retirement when the suddenly know no one, they will want to pick up being grandparents, when it will be 10 years too late. I already feel bitter about this, but I would also like my children to have more of a relationship with my parents before it’s too late.

oh OP - your post made me shiver I really could have written it - I was a second thought for my mother. Every Friday and Sat night they were out I I was with my Gran, I would have walked over burning coals for my gran I loved her with a passion and loved spending time with her I told her all my deepest feelings. we were sent of the relatives for the summer.

My mother was famous for saying 'Children leave' you need a life outside. "Children can't be your friends' . When I was a child these statements made me so sad - but I was not totally sure why.

I feel like she set the stage early as to her expectations - she was not there for me, she did not want to spend time with me, but NOW well lets just say OP I hear you and I understand what you are feeling.

My Dad always used to say 'I never want you to visit because you feel you have to, come if you want to'. Wish I could.

But I had brilliant parents - they too had a great social life, but DB and I knew that we were the centre of their world. When DM lived with us for a number of years after DF died, it was not out of duty.

DH on the other hand had a very different upbringing, and owes/owed his DP nothing. Doesn't stop his family thinking that we should do the same for them, that we did for DM. He's put them right - in a very nice way - unlike me, who would have given them a few home truths.

I grew up with parents who didn't show me love, or act like they wanted me. My DM then left me with my highly abusive, alcoholic DF. I endured 6 years more then ran away at 16. Their legacy of bad parenting has affected my whole life. I'd rather have had kind, loving parents for a shorter time, even though it would hurt to lose them.

Keeptrudging - . This is heartbreaking. No child should have to endure this sort of pain. It happens when you are too young to cope with it and you are forced to build a protective emotional wall around yourself. So many children have this sort of dreadful (but not obviously so) life, and it impacts everything their future.

I don't doubt many parents are just passing on the parenting habits they learned - but why? It is obvious from so many posts that a lot of people (especially mothers - or perhaps it's because there are more mothers on here) are doing their damnedest to break the vicious cycles they are in. If all made the effort, in a couple of generations this cruelty would just be a bad memory.

I come from the school of thought that you should help your parents if able. However I say this because I saw my mother & relatives care for my granny & my parents are very hands on with my children & help with childcare, take kids for sleepovers etc. You often see threads on MN about gps not helping at all & of course sometimes there are valid reasons but I think you reap what you sow.

One of my mums long term neighbours (Sue) constantly moans about the fact she never sees her son & gc any more & is very resentful. Her son & DIL moved 200 miles away last yr & live close to DILs parents. He was an only child & Sue remarried when he was 5 (dad not on the scene & then passed away). Sue palmed off her son to her gps for childcare 5 days a week etc, holidayed without him & treated him as an inconvenience. Sue hasn’t even looked after the gc for an hour & never gave her son a penny for uni, house etc. Sue retired at 55 & lives in a 1.5m house & is fit & well but since her husband died a few years ago & her friends are preoccupied with their own families/gc she’s lonely. She was saying to mum she’s thinking of moving in with her son as she’s needs help. Yeah I think that’s unlikely.

Your OP really resonated with me.
When I was growing up my parents, in particular my mother had very busy active social lives as well as working. Mum would go out 7 nights a week - drama group, church, theatre, all sorts. When we were little we spent a lot of time at grandparents, I guess nowadays it would be after school clubs. As we got older we were left at home but expected to cook and do housework. I don't mean a few chores I mean all of it. They even went on holiday without us.
Everything else was more interesting than us, though I didn't realise at the time. As a young teen I had far too much freedom and they had no idea where I was or what I was doing.

It was only really when I had my own children that it dawned on me how emotionally neglected we were as children. My mother is constantly amazed at what a wonderful relationship I have with my (now grown up) children. She doesn't see that my life has revolved around them and not my own interests. Not to an unhealthy extent but incomparable with my own upbringing.

She's old widowed and unwell now and I've gotten my tongue and done my duty but it's hard.

Schadenfreude
I wish that to be true. But equally we read about people on here, who from the account of their parents / sibling / relation etc discussing how even though they had loving childhood have gone on to make shit and abusive parents.

Keeptrudging
My dd is 10 and I feel the same about if I were to die.

Posted too soon. What is stopping you from telling them no? They must have said no to you plenty of times as a small child and trained you not to even ask. They clearly didn’t give a second thought to sparing your feelings, why are you so reluctant now to spare theirs? Just because they are your parents, you are all adults and their equals.