To feel resentful towards ageing parents

[WhiteDust]

My parents had a busy social life when we were growing up. As children we obviously fitted in with them and were looked after by relatives or stayed with friends if they wanted to go away for weekends, nights out or on holidays with friends for example. Weeks at home were busy with events/organisations they were involved in and they had a full and interesting life.
I left home and had my own family. Mum & Dad visited occasionally but had retired early and were busy getting on with their own lives, away a lot, seeing friends, doing community stuff etc. We visited them too occasionally but contact was every few months or so.
Fast forward 15 years. They are now in their mid 70s and now don't travel on their own due to health problems (last 2 years really), they have lost many of their friends who have passed away in the last few years but gave money and a comfortable life.
So, the problem. WE - my DH, DC (now in their teens & not particularly close to my parents) and I have become the focus of their time.
They want to stay with us regularly, phone me every evening, want to join us if we mention going away somewhere...
I am annoyed, feel suffocated and resentful. It's like they have had their fun (excluding us - we never went with them on their holidays when the children were small). We rarely saw them. Now it's all the time.
AIBU & WWYD?

My kids, my DH and myself are now majorly in focus. Lots of similarities with other posters. But my mum has always been quite unpleasant to me. Not all the time but pretty consistently. She made some shocking decisions when my brothers and I were young that had major repercussions on our family life. I don’t trust her or like her particularly.

I resist as much as possible, putting off visits so it’s not so often. I don’t let her know plans in advance or else she’ll try to insert herself. But also, I no longer reply to voicemail from her. She sees it as a summons but I just delete and either talk when she calls and I want to pick up or text her back if she uses that.

You spend years and years working out that you have to give less of a shit about being very much low priority and then they start being needy and all of a sudden you’re in demand. Confusing bastards!

My mother died when I was 23, my father when I was a child.

When I read posts like this I wonder if the OP would like to swap places, have a lifetime of no parents/grandparents for help, support and love or swap for a few years of need and dependence.

I can totally resonate with this.

My parents did not pass us from pillar to post, BUT, things were very unsettling growing up. My Dad was (and still is) an alcoholic. He managed to hold down work, but was drinking all the time, and would fly in to drunken rages several times a week, where he would break things and threaten violence against me, my brother and mother. Mum also drank, and was frequently "dramatically" drunk, with tears etc.

Now they both still drink a lot (certainly Dad is still an alcoholic). They no longer throw parties. They frequently drink until the early hours though. Dad rises at 7am and sleeps all day, until it's time to drink again, and Mum rises after midday, often not having gone to bed until 4am. They argue a lot. My Dad is racist and generally angry at the world.

They don't go anywhere, except the supermarket. They have now declared that they won't go on holiday, unless they go with me and my DH, because they can't cope on their own. But when we've done holidays with them, I feel like I've spent the week waiting on them (they don't lift a finger) and repeating myself, as they won't use their hearing aids. Also, my Dad repeats the same stories over and over.

My brother and I, have become people they live through (iyswim) and they call us a lot. If I don't pick up the landline, they will call my mobile repeatedly, even though they know I'm working.

I feel resentful, because so much of my childhood wasn't great. But then I feel (a bit) guilty, because some of our childhood was good, like birthdays and Christmas etc

Then I realise how mortified I would feel, if my own kids felt this way about me in my old age.

Aargh.

Don't know what the answer is really :-( But you are not alone.

Possibly they are trying to make some sort of connection with you now in order to ensure you will care for them as they decline further in health (a very self-serving motive). This would also explain why they are focussing on you rather than your brothers as care of elderly parents is still regarded as the responsibility of daughters rather than sons

there is something fundamentally wrong with a society that is happy to abandon older people. If it is not an obligation on family to ensure care (in whatever form) is in place, then who’s responsibility is it?

I agree in principle. However, as I said upthread, my parents have had nearly 50 years in which they could have built this sort of relationship with me and my siblings. They chose to enjoy their own life with friends and each other as a priority.
It's like they've come out of nowhere in the last couple of years. A sudden desire (coinciding with their inability to live their own life the way they always have) to be part of a 'close' family.

YABU, they raised you the best way they knew how and now in their dotage and poor health you want to distance yourself. So what if they weren't perfect, they are your parents and they may not have long left. Who do you think is going to look out for you when you're old? I hate this very selfish British attitude that the elderly are a drain or an inconvenience. Take a leaf out of Asian and African cultures where elders are respected and looked after by their kids. When they are gone you will never forgive yourself for being selfish. Yes you should set boundaries, but embrace them into your family and enjoy the time you have left.

I wouldn't chat to them every day white, that would drive me MAD.

Where do you draw the line Helacells?

For eg. my DH's mother punched him in the face, when he was a boy, and broke his nose. (Amongst many other things).

I suspect you have had lovely parents, but not everyone does.

Hela: YABU, they raised you the best way they knew how and now in their dotage and poor health you want to distance yourself.

I'm not sure what I'm distancing myself from!! We hardly ever saw them!

Viques, OP hasn't had help support and love from her parents - they've been absent and disinterested and now they need her, they're all over her. Sorry for your losses, of course.

They chose to enjoy their own life with friends and each other as a priority

They chose to live their lives independent of their children? Is that bad? You don’t want them dependent now but you did want it 20/15/10/5 years ago? Where is the line between independence and dependence?

You don’t have to be at their beck and call but I am not sure their independence thus far is reason not to care for them now. We all have different desires and needs and these change as we grow old.

Do what makes you comfortable, obviously. But they won’t be around forever. My mum went from independent to dependent in a matter of weeks and is lost to me now. There is no getting her back.

viques: When I read posts like this I wonder if the OP would like to swap places, have a lifetime of no parents/grandparents for help, support and love or swap for a few years of need and dependence.

Where did I say that my parents have given me a lifetime of love, help and support?! Have you RTT?

When I read posts like this I wonder if the OP would like to swap places, have a lifetime of no parents/grandparents for help, support and love or swap for a few years of need and dependence.

But OP's parents haven't given her a lifetime of help, support and love ...

That's basically the point. All the people who are saying "but they are your parents ..." probably have parents who are loving, supportive ... so they want to love and support them in return.

the poster who says she is treating her mum as she wants her children to treat her in the future has it wrong. (As a parent) you need to treat your children as you want to be treated by them in the future. If you largely ignore them for 50 years, then don't expect them to suddenly rally round when you decide you do want to bother after all.

Similar here...suddenly I'm her world.....very stifling

it's like they want our life too now that they can't do it by themselves any more.....They want to join in with us - the things we do appeal to them

As i thought, they're still not actually interested in you or your family, you're just a convenient means to an end for them.
They want to use you so they can still go out and about, be entertained and eventually cared for in their old age.
They've already told you this bluntly by making their excuses as to why they're not asking their sons.

I wonder if the real reason they won't ask their sons is because they know the men are better at being assertive without feeling guilty?

I'd certainly be more "busy" in future, don't answer the phone, don't tell them when you're going out etc, ignore hints that they want to come with you.

Just an aside and I know someone always says something similar but...I would give the world to hear my mum’s voice again. She used to ring every night, usually at tea time! So I suggested we make it twice a week for longer chats. I would ring Wednesday and she would ring Sunday.
Since she died I realise how very hurt she must have been. I was an only child and although she had a sister very close , she must have been so lonely at times. I was her world when I was little and I owed her so much.
I topped up her pension but that was only money. I should have and could have done so much more.
I am 74 now. I speak to my dd a couple of times a week and my ds less often. I miss my mum every day and have done since she died.

OP my parents came here from another country when they were young so they have no idea what it is like to help an elderly parent either.

I blame myself for being too heavily involved when they hit health problems in their 60s. Now nearly 80 and all still going on and likely to go on till 95. I agree with the poster who says they must be encouraged to hold on to independence though in your case it's partly the "we are bored" factor.

I have a lot of sense of obligation but you should have none - they didn't show you a lot of love and care from the sounds of it.

Remember that how your own children see you treat your parents may be what they see as acceptable when you are older. However, it's not unreasonable to say you expect your parents to not phone every day unless they are ill or it's an emergency and that they should phone their sons, in turn, instead if they are lonely and ask them to do whatever they expect of you all equally.

You are not responsible for taking them on holiday either. I've had loads of holidays when I was fitter but accept that I can't keep that up now. It's part of the aging process to be accepted, I'm afraid.

Invite them over when you are happy to do so and include them in some family things but certainly not everything and don't talk about what your plans are. Just ring a couple of days before and say, 'Sorry, I won't be around so and so week, so ring 'brothers' if there's a problem and we'll get together on our return'.

Even if they are a bit disabled, they have money so can get taxis to activities they enjoy doing, employ a cleaner etc. It's lovely to get together as a family but not to the extent that it makes you resentful.

My DM has this with my nana and grandad some of her siblings were bundled off to boarding school wether they liked it or not, the others were left with a bunch of different nannies all their lives. When they had grandchildren they never helped and had a great social life and plenty of holidays (always went away during the school summer holidays). Then my grandad died and my Nana’s health declined and all of the sudden she wanted to cash in her chips and expected/demanded to be looked after, babied, entertained and her every whim attended to by my DM and her siblings. They did/do and she’s still not grateful. Personally I’d have walked.

Heebie: I wonder if the real reason they won't ask their sons is because they know the men are better at being assertive without feeling guilty?
Could be but I suspect that it's more to do with the fact that they would like to join in with our holidays, trips out, lifestyle because they are the sort of things they enjoy doing.
My brothers have different interests and my parents don't want to go narrowboating or banger car racing for example!
Yes, I think they see us as a way to comtinue doing the things THEY enjoy!

Viques I had a little think about your post. If I died now (youngest child is 14), my children would likely be sad/upset, and would miss me. However, they would know 100%, without any doubt, that they had been loved unconditionally since they were born. This gives them a great deal of confidence and high self-esteem, which will help them their whole lives. I will always be with them.

I grew up with parents who didn't show me love, or act like they wanted me. My DM then left me with my highly abusive, alcoholic DF. I endured 6 years more then ran away at 16. Their legacy of bad parenting has affected my whole life. I'd rather have had kind, loving parents for a shorter time, even though it would hurt to lose them. I am sorry for your loss.

OP I have a slightly similar dynamic going on with my father who left my DM and us (his 3 DCs) when I was 9. He and his 2nd wife enjoyed their lives with no children, seeing us when it suited them but leaving the hard work of raising children to my mother. Now his wife is in a care home and he seems to feel he is due more attention than he is getting from us. My brother in particular is quite remote from him and my father often complains to me that he feels my brother neglects him. He does not seem capable of understanding that you reap what you sow

helacells
I hate this very selfish British attitude that the elderly are a drain or an inconvenience. Take a leaf out of Asian and African cultures where elders are respected and looked after by their kids

I'm not British. I'm African Caribbean. & where I come from, parents abandoning their children to relatives or their own devices, would no longer be viewed as the parents.

On the rare occasion this kind of thing happens (you are looked down upon for living single and free life at the expense of raising your children by the way), the children grow and look after the person who raised them. It's just the natural order of things.

Sometimes children are sent to live with grandparents, if they're still active and able, as company for them, especially if 1 grandparent has died. But the children are still in the family community, very near to their parents & siblings home. So the raising is done jointly. I'm sure you know all this anyway.

This idea that parents are looked after 'no matter what' isn't fully true, although I agree with you in that it is unheard of to stick your parents in a nursing home, or have them living separately from extended family.

Community living is key. I do see some posts on here and think they are so ageist and harsh. I'm surprised to see several people here implying OP has an obligation to her parents - and yet so often on other threads anyone with a child aged over 18, at the merest problem it's "They're adults! Kick them out". Or, posters speak as if they wash their hands of their DCs, once 18 is reached then its fend for yourself. If you're "hands off" then I don't see how you can expect to have it both ways - to want to be a priority when you turned your back ages ago.

I love going back home and living amongst several of my family generations in one area. Elderly included.

This particular thread tho, I feel if you've not bothered with your children then don't expect at any stage to suddenly be the be all and end all of their lives. OP isn't abandoning them, shes just not centering them.

If you're monied, as these parents sound to be, a retirement village is a nice option. Comfort, company and activities all in one place. It's not as if over the years the company they required was that of their own children. & at least they still have each other.

Infinite
That really is a horrible situation.