To feel resentful towards ageing parents

[WhiteDust]

My parents had a busy social life when we were growing up. As children we obviously fitted in with them and were looked after by relatives or stayed with friends if they wanted to go away for weekends, nights out or on holidays with friends for example. Weeks at home were busy with events/organisations they were involved in and they had a full and interesting life.
I left home and had my own family. Mum & Dad visited occasionally but had retired early and were busy getting on with their own lives, away a lot, seeing friends, doing community stuff etc. We visited them too occasionally but contact was every few months or so.
Fast forward 15 years. They are now in their mid 70s and now don't travel on their own due to health problems (last 2 years really), they have lost many of their friends who have passed away in the last few years but gave money and a comfortable life.
So, the problem. WE - my DH, DC (now in their teens & not particularly close to my parents) and I have become the focus of their time.
They want to stay with us regularly, phone me every evening, want to join us if we mention going away somewhere...
I am annoyed, feel suffocated and resentful. It's like they have had their fun (excluding us - we never went with them on their holidays when the children were small). We rarely saw them. Now it's all the time.
AIBU & WWYD?

ilovesliz - I did suggest gently telling them

I just think that it would be best to be honest with them. Surely, if explained nicely, that they’re encroaching on time the OP and her family would normally spend together they would understand?

I don’t have living parents, and have no experience of this so perhaps this isn’t the thread for me. That said, I do have children myself and would rather they told me I was Expecting too much from them rather than resenting the time they spent with me.

colditz: Now they want me, now I have learned to do everything myself without any help ... now I never need a lift because I can drive, now I never need a babysitter because the kids are teens, NOW they want me to entertain and support them...

This ^

Agree with the majority that even if they HADN'T been shit parents, palming you off like a massive inconvenience, you still don't owe them anything.

I would move further away, and take a while to send them your new address and phone number. Like a year or two.

I agree with being honest with them.

How much time did they give to their aging Parents?

My parents wouldhave never understood if I had tried to explain to them. They were almost jealous of my DCs I think, they didn't have much of a relationshp with them.

But I did my bit. It involved juggling but I did it. Obviously it helped to have siblings to share the load and I made sure they did. OP, you need to push your brothers to do more. That's what I did with my siblings. I was deffo not the favourite, more like the most unfavourite child, but peculiarly it was me they wanted the most when they were elderly. I just pushed and pushed at my siblings to do their bit too.

The thing is, they are nice people. They have lived their own lives very happily as a couple and have had a great time!
Neither had elderly parents - my grandparents died before we were born when my parents were in their 20s but they weren't isolated, they had lots of siblings & socialised with them regularly too.
DH and I have our own life. We weren't included in theirs. I'm struggling to include them in ours.

Absolutely agree with @UpstartCrow in that the function of a daughter is to care for the aging parents, and that time is fast approaching, so they are reminding OP that they are part of her life, like it or not, consent to it, or not. Boys don't count as they are important individuals and their wives will obviously be caring for their own parents, as that what daughters do.
I do not subscribe to this view, BTW, but have been subject to the obligation of the younger (less important, sacrificial) daughter thinking myself, so can spot it at a distance.
The only option is to refuse to make changes that do not suit you, IMHO, unless you are prepared to throw yourself under the bus for parents who were never really that interested

My mum is unwell and whilst we didn’t have a bad relationship, I lived at the other end of the country until quite recently. I figure that my children will learn by example. I therefore treat my mum now in the way I hope my children will treat me when I’m older.

My DM is similar. She did do stuff with my kids but only what she wanted when she wanted. So I'm like that now, I do what I want with and for her when I want. My DM effectively retired at 50 and so she is baffled that I recently got a promotion and am taking on more responsibility at work. She clearly feels I should be devoting my energy to her.

I still feel guilty though....

I think it should be borne in mind that parents can live to a very ripe old age. My father in law is currently 97 and my mother is in her early nineties. So while people are in 'younger old age' I think they should be encouraged to plan ahead for themselves. How can they preserve their independence? What will keep them healthy and give them a good quality of life? Obviously when parents are very ill and right at the end of their life, they do become a higher priority. But just not-being-as-young-as-they-were, doesn't mean that adult children have to centre everything round them. Especially if they were not good parents and the relationship is not a strong one...

I therefore treat my mum now in the way I hope my children will treat me when I’m older.
I want my children to create a life as we have done. To become independent and build a life for themselves. I hate to think that they would run after me out of some sort of obligation.

I don't see why your brothers should "share the load". Sounds like you parents have pretty much sidelined them all their lives and are still not interested.

As for you - tell them that you're busy. Be less available. Don't feel guilty.

I hate to think that they would run after me out of some sort of obligation

So who will care for you? It is perfectly possible to have a life and include your family in that, ,surely? Why do you think independence means you don’t support your family when they need it? And I am not suggesting that caring for a parent may involve anything other than putting them in a decent care home and visiting once a week, but there is an obligation to do that, no?

Nah....I wouldn’t be doing with all that, children are innocents and if you cant be bothered with them when they are at their most vulnerable and need you, wouldn’t be letting them bother now as a full functioning adult with my own life.

They sound like users.....they should have been more loving towards their children, this is their fault.

So, the problem. WE - my DH, DC (now in their teens & not particularly close to my parents) and I have become the focus of their time

Absolutely not. & this won't happen unless you choose to allow it to. You can be busy and have plans etc, or simply not want company.

This is a prime example of parents who don't really make time for their DCs, or are very 'hands off' citing 'not getting over involved/I let them live their lives' as an excuse. Then when said parents get old, you're supposed to do your duty.
I wouldn't.

My parents split up and my dad moved abroad when he was 55. He has a partner, nice life together. But fast forward, he's 80 now and maudlin about missing his adult children, and their children. He goes on and on about it, saying he has to watch other people there with their children/grandchildren around them. He and partner can't really get around much any more, especially as he's no longer well enough to drive.

We visit every few years. But he chose to move 1000s of miles away and didn't think of us missing him and his grandchildren not having a chance to get to know him well when he upped and left. It's like they have a lightbulb moment tinged with selfishness, when the elderly years arrive.

So, sorry - not my problem. I don't play the 'duty game'. & I feel you need to adopt same attitude to your parents. There's no need to be horrible to them, just don't make your life about accommodating them in a way they never did for you.

Mum remained in UK, I remember her airily saying she wasn't the type to 'sit around babysitting grandchildren' (as if Id asked her to!), when I was pregnant with DC1. As the years have passed she spoils them rotten, and seems unable to spend more than a day or so without speaking to them on the phone. They love their gran, she treats them well and I'm glad. I still remember what she said though, and on occasions I asked her to babysit she made me feel like crap. When I arranged my own regular babysitter (as I worked odd hours), she was enraged.

I clearly remember my parents when they were young, vibrant and active. We all get old, that's what people forget.

If your parents have sidelined your brothers, you need to address that and quickly. Why should it fall to you?

When they ring and say can you come and see us next Tuesday evening, just say, no Mum I can't, I came to see you 2 days ago, you need to ring Brother No. 2 or 1. Then ring the brother and tell him you need to go and see Mum and Dad on Tuesday, I've just been, when was the last time you went?

I did this all the time.

I would make them realise that you reap what you sow.

Have a look at the Stately Homes thread in Relationships OP.

Although to be fair, my brother and sister were pretty good at doing their bit, after I used to nudge them along to do it

Your post really resonates with me. My 'D'M didn't give me any attention/love when I was little, in fact was often quite openly hostile to me. As children, we were dumped with neighbours/friends as often as possible, or left in the car outside the pub/at home alone from a ridiculously young age looking back. My parents dumped us on our (lovely) Granny for 6 months without a backward glance when I was 6, so they could go and live elsewhere. 'D'M left when I was 10, and saw us twice a year (grudgingly).

When I had children, she very rarely babysat, in fact seemed to feel that I'd made my bed so should have to lie in it. Now she's older, she sulks if she's not included in trips out, can't understand why we don't want to take her on holiday with us, and seems to have an expectation that we'll look after her/do everything for her. My brother gets off scot-free as he lives in England. He hasn't seen her for 5 years. I'm expected to see her at least once a week, more if she doesn't have a better offer.

@ohreallyohreallyoh

"but there is an obligation to do that, no?"

I thought that for a long time and my parents were okay - well dad is horrible but not so much when we were little.

after years of a 3 hour round trip every weekend, I've realised there are no obligations whatsoever. and often what is done is simply taken for granted.

Can you link it Queen ? Getting all sorts on search!!

I have a bit of a different problem to yours. My dps have always been dependent on me and dh and we've had to include them in so much stuff. I often wished they'd be more independent.
Tbh I think in your case your are only obliged to your parents to help with practical stuff as they get older, not entertain them and that should be equally shared between the parents.

I've found it! Queen !

Neither had elderly parents - my grandparents died before we were born when my parents were in their 20s but they weren't isolated, they had lots of siblings

I think this is significant. They would not have liked their freedom and social life to have been curtailed by running round after elderly parents when they were your age, but it didn't apply to them, so they have no empathy. I wonder if there is a way of pointing this out.

I am in my 60s and have parents in their late 80s - I sometimes think about when they were my age, they didn't have elderly parents to worry about - I have both parents and an uncle who has no children of his own. But I have to say that my parents weren't selfish and were (and still are) excellent parents to me and my brother and brilliant grandparents to my kids, so I don't feel resentful (just a little overwhelmed sometimes).

I cannot help thinking that people born postwar have grown up quite selfish and VERY grabby

Lots of people of all ages are grabby - I wondered when the casual ageism would rear its head. (Actually it took longer than I thought.)

Lighthouse

I understand what you’re saying. I am not sure where the line is. I am not even sure that I agree with my own use of the word ‘obligation’. But I do feel that whilst building our lives - and encouraging our children to do the same - there is something fundamentally wrong with a society that is happy to abandon older people. If it is not an obligation on family to ensure care (in whatever form) is in place, then who’s responsibility is it?

I am going through this right now. I have put my mum in a home. I am unable to cope with her illness and I know that it is the right decision for my family. But I feel guilty and upset and burdened by her and her illness all at the same time.