To feel resentful towards ageing parents

[WhiteDust]

My parents had a busy social life when we were growing up. As children we obviously fitted in with them and were looked after by relatives or stayed with friends if they wanted to go away for weekends, nights out or on holidays with friends for example. Weeks at home were busy with events/organisations they were involved in and they had a full and interesting life.
I left home and had my own family. Mum & Dad visited occasionally but had retired early and were busy getting on with their own lives, away a lot, seeing friends, doing community stuff etc. We visited them too occasionally but contact was every few months or so.
Fast forward 15 years. They are now in their mid 70s and now don't travel on their own due to health problems (last 2 years really), they have lost many of their friends who have passed away in the last few years but gave money and a comfortable life.
So, the problem. WE - my DH, DC (now in their teens & not particularly close to my parents) and I have become the focus of their time.
They want to stay with us regularly, phone me every evening, want to join us if we mention going away somewhere...
I am annoyed, feel suffocated and resentful. It's like they have had their fun (excluding us - we never went with them on their holidays when the children were small). We rarely saw them. Now it's all the time.
AIBU & WWYD?

God thats so sad, trained not to ask.

Ice - sorry you didn't have great parents. But as a pp pointed out, you cannot categorise a whole generation as 'self centred and completely lacking in empathy'. I'm sure that many are, but there are many more that aren't.

This is casual ageism that would be jumped upon (hopefully) if it was racist or sexist. Sorry you've had bad experiences with such a large number of people that you have been left with this impression.

I have seen some people be very harsh about their parents - on MN and in real life.

But in this case I agree with OP. The pil were like this. They went on five holidays a year, bought hideously expensive jewellery for mil, only the best for the house and garden etc etc etc. But... they would barely have recognised the dcs in a line-up. When mil went into a care home no one was falling over themselves to help fil. He was tight and selfish and - above all - while he had mil he had never been interested in his dcs or gcs.

So many people equate 'family' with loving, lovable and supportive people.

Sometimes 'family' is just blood - they can be toxic, disinterested, selfish, cold, abusive.... Some people don't realise that when they have a loving parent/sibling/aunts/uncles/grandparents, how lucky they are. Not everyone does. Sometimes they are horrible, and should be distanced.

BUT - this LC or NC makes us feel guilty - as a daughter, sister, niece, we should love our 'family'. Because that's what is expected - you are supposed to love your parents regardless (and they are supposed to love you - but sometimes they don't. And this is unexpected, and actually unbelieveable, isn't it? No one believes you that your parents/siblings/aunts whatever are horrible...)

And the comments 'But he's your father!' or 'You're lucky to have them still alive' etc just reinforce the feeling that you are the horrible one - you don't love your parents? How awful are you?

OP - your parents weren't there for you when you were young so they really can't expect you to welcome them into your life now. Be busy. Don't answer the phone if you don't want to. Move away (I'd do this!)

It was only really when I had my own children that it dawned on me how emotionally neglected we were as children. My mother is constantly amazed at what a wonderful relationship I have with my (now grown up) children. She doesn't see that my life has revolved around them and not my own interests. Not to an unhealthy extent but incomparable with my own upbringing

That really struck a chord with me. I honestly think my DM was quite jealous of the relationship I had with my kids. When I used to go and see them and take the kids when they were say 7 or 9 or whatever, she would always be saying to me if I was cuddling one of them.. leave that child alone, you're making a rod for your back fussing over them!

I have a wonderful relationship with my now adult kids, we are very close.

This is casual ageism that would be jumped upon (hopefully) if it was racist or sexist.

Ageism is also against MN talk guidelines, but is sadly a regular feature of Mumsnet.

I do not agree with the " move away" suggestion. Why on earth should they?

But... they would barely have recognised the dcs in a line-up

That did make me laugh in a wry way. My DM was forever on the phone to me... it was endless, but she never asked after my kids. Never. One day after I'd done a lot for them, she rang and tried to ask about my eldest... 'How's school going for ummmm errrrm ummm....' She couldn't remember her name!

petrolpump - i found it the easiest way. I moved 200 miles away from my toxic sister. Luckily my selfish, cold father was already the other side of the country. Where I am now, I can't rely on 'family' cos there aren't any. I have to rely on my lovely friends, who have replaced my family. I actually like them - and they me.

The six million dollar question is Do we like our parents?

I've tried to do CBT about this and trying to remember the good bits where my DM loves me for myself, but it's very very hard. It isn't about what our parents said to us when we were little, it's how they made us feel. I grew up feeling very unloved and permanently second, third, fourth best.

This is why I resent her expectation that I should be at her beck and call when she hasn't got anyone else to talk to.

I've had this with DM. She was a rather unloving resentful parent when I was young (I suspect PND knowing what I know now but no idea if I'm right or not), then remarried in my teens to a man who came first over me and Dsis. As a result we've never been close, seen each other a couple of times a year, I've had to be very independent since my late teens through necessity as I couldn't rely on her or step dad to help me out at all apart from financially (which I've always been grateful for but when you really want someone to just help you move house or go to the shops for you when you're dying of flu and they refuse but then send you fifty quid in the post a week later out of guilt instead it still stings!).

He husband died a few years ago and immediately she started planning to move close to me, said she was going to give up her car and I could drive her around instead, was saying how it was going to be great for her to be so close by so that if she was ill I'd be able to look after her....basically all the stuff she either didn't do for me when I was younger or did but with obvious resentment. I ended up being really blunt with her and once she realised it wasnt all going to be how she pictured she decided not to move near me after all! We get on fine but more like I would with an aunty or someone, I feel very little duty towards looking after her as she gets older, but I know she wanted more from me and couldn't understand why it wasnt forthcoming. She has definitely mellowed with age and is a lot kinder and more thoughtful than she used to be, but like OP I've built my life independently and find it odd that someone who for a long time wasn't particularly interested in being a part of it now wants to be because it suits them.

Similar here, my parents have always lived their own lives too, moving abroad and not really wanting to be part of a family.
I'm not bitter about that even as a single parent that would have loved their support, I strongly believe that they were entitled to make their own choices, lead their own lives.
However, not that they live close by, the relationship just isn't there for me but even more so for my DC's. They just don't think about including/visiting their GP's just because they never have, really not an important part of their lives, little relationship in place.
Sad but true!

Here is a true story about my former neighbour:

Last Christmas I went to a neighbour's for a drinks party and I mentioned that the following day I was driving to Heathrow to pick up my DD from her plane. At the time she was 19 and was flying solo on an overnight flight from a Chicago. In my mind, the least I could do was to pick her up and bring her home rather than her lugging everything up on the train to the north of England during peak Christmas shopping time, tired, jet lagged, still a teenager.

Two neighbours were appalled. You spoil your children: you're a martyr to your children was their response.

One neighbour is divorced, no kids, 70. One is divorced, living with a married man and has a DD & DGD. This lady then proceeded to tell us how one of her granddaughters had asked to come and live with her. Apparently her daughter had moved house and gone to live in a 2-bed cottage when the eldest had gone to uni for her first year - now that the 18yr old was home for Xmas, there was no room for her.

Quite frankly, I'd rather be a martyr to my kids when they still need their mum.

The people in that village were so weird that we moved away.

ilovesliz I would have loved my mum to have picked me up from the airport! I'm 45 and that has never happened in my entire life. Your DD will remember the things you did for her just as I remember the things that weren't done for me.

Icedgemandjelly shame you had to make this about baby boomers. It's nothing to do with age or money it's to do with the relationship with your parents.
FWIW my parents were pre-war and technically I'm the baby boomer, financially better off than my parents ever were. We grew up poor but their neglect wasn't to do with money it was time and inclination.

Roussette As grandparents they were far more interested in my children and my nieces than they ever were in me and sis. We even took them on holiday (and paid) with us a few times assuming naively that they would help with the DC a bit. My children have always adored their grandparents and I have never told them how I feel.

I absolutely empathise, OP. I get resentful bollockings or the phone put down on me if I dare to say it’s not convenient for my parents to come down. Luckily, it isn’t often. I was left to my own devices as a child, parents would be in the pub.

I’ve been quite blunt in recent years and told them I didn’t visit more due to the drinking, it’s very tedious to have to listen to drunken ramblings all evening.

You can pull back, OP. Screen their calls. Don’t tell them what you’re doing/where you’re holidaying. I totally empathise with you, it’s outrageous that they’d sod off and leave you yet now want to be so involved.

Just a thought, not knowing quite how limited they are now, but maybe they are using you to entertain them as they are now bored. They don't do it to your brothers, who are less available so maybe do a bit of research and find them local services to distract them. Or be less available so they have to...

Problem with older friends and family of mine is that they don't think they're old, so don't want to do the old people stuff...my town is full of stuff for old people to do and I hear this all the time!

Apparently her daughter had moved house and gone to live in a 2-bed cottage when the eldest had gone to uni for her first year - now that the 18yr old was home for Xmas, there was no room for her

Hmm... you are judging a situation you know little of. I can tell you, however, as a single parent receiving no maintenance from the ex and no spare money to put in a pension, my only asset is my home. I will,have no choice but to downgrade as soon as my children leave home so that I can continue to live. I have a modest property at the moment but it will be too big for one person.

Do you think you get to judge me for that?

But she hasn't left home. She went to uni.

But she hasn't left home. She went to uni

Exactly how many years do we need to wait? Don’t get me wrong, I will do everything I can to avoid selling the family home, it I know it will need to happen when the youngest leaves. And that will probably be when he leaves for uni. Again, why do you think it’s OK to judge?

I understand your feelings of resentment. It's a bit like, 'where were you when I needed you?' As a child you may have wondered why they bothered having children at all if they weren't involved in their lives.

Now they need you and you haven't really built up a relationship with then and it's a bit late to make amends now.

I wish I knew the answer.

Oh God, I'm in a similar boat. Awful mother, selfish and demanding narc. I am one of four but strangely enough, nothing is expected of the others. I finally allocated a 2 hour slot on a Friday afternoon when I visit my mother alone. This gives her a chance to have my individual attention to discuss her problems and concerns. I do my best to address them during that time and make any necessary phone calls etc whilst I'm there. Beyond that I use my stock phrases of " You have four children but my children only have one mother" [to explain why I am so busy doing things for/visiting my own children.] Another saying of mine "Never mind I've had over 60 years to get used to your disapproval! [When she expresses dismay that I am too busy this weekend to engage in XYZ demands with her.] Sigh and repeat. It's very tiring but you just have to make a stand for everybody's good OP.

I moved far away from my parents at the age of 18, because it was made quite clear thats what they wanted.

Now they are very old and frail the situation has changed somewhat.

The people in that village were so weird that we moved away.

Sounds like you lived in Royston Vasey . . .

Neglecteful parents can impact on the relationships between siblings, too - either bonding them together, or playing off one against another as it suits them. (here I'm actually thinking of a neglectful GP - my paternal GM, who took great delight in causing rifts between family members. She had two mottoes "Whoever has the money holds the reins." and "Divide and Conquer".

She was wealthy (in terms of our family - not JR-M wealthy), and was always promising one person this and another person that a and deliberately spreading lies and discord. I was fortunate as she hated me from my birth (I was the oldest) and treated me like shit. If not, I might have got dragged into the drama, too - as it was, I stood on the sidelines and watched the horror play out.

She destroyed my parents' relationship, as my DF couldn't see any fault in her and took her side EVERY SINGLE TIME, no matter how unreasonable she was. She caused more fights between them accusing my DM of shagging around (she didn't), and as DF (the idiot) was in the Navy, and unable to verify anything, he believed her - after all - his mother wouldn't lie, would she?). He punched my DM from pillar to post sometimes because of this.

After he died, she wanted to move in with my mother (she no longer had my father to run about after her) and was furious when my DM refused to let her. She set my brother and sisters against each other over money -though they all banded together against me in the end - nothing like a common enemy- when she threw a spanner in the works by making me and my husband her executors (!) - we had known nothing about this, but then had to share out assets according to a spiteful and malicious will, and got the blame for it. (We didn't realise at the time that we could have refused - we thought if it was in the will it was a legal requirement - how naive we were.)

Her spite has echoed through the generations.

@ohreallyohreallyoh

She went to uni and lived in halls so she didn't even have a student house to live in during the holidays. This was her first term. Of her first year.

I won't judge you at all. But this woman did a really shitty thing.