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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel resentful towards ageing parents

177 replies

WhiteDust · 28/07/2018 13:00

My parents had a busy social life when we were growing up. As children we obviously fitted in with them and were looked after by relatives or stayed with friends if they wanted to go away for weekends, nights out or on holidays with friends for example. Weeks at home were busy with events/organisations they were involved in and they had a full and interesting life.
I left home and had my own family. Mum & Dad visited occasionally but had retired early and were busy getting on with their own lives, away a lot, seeing friends, doing community stuff etc. We visited them too occasionally but contact was every few months or so.
Fast forward 15 years. They are now in their mid 70s and now don't travel on their own due to health problems (last 2 years really), they have lost many of their friends who have passed away in the last few years but gave money and a comfortable life.
So, the problem. WE - my DH, DC (now in their teens & not particularly close to my parents) and I have become the focus of their time.
They want to stay with us regularly, phone me every evening, want to join us if we mention going away somewhere...
I am annoyed, feel suffocated and resentful. It's like they have had their fun (excluding us - we never went with them on their holidays when the children were small). We rarely saw them. Now it's all the time.
AIBU & WWYD?

OP posts:
Original poster
WhiteDust · 28/07/2018 13:01

have money not gave.

OP posts:
Hedgehog80 · 28/07/2018 13:03

Don’t tell them your plans. Go out or away without them
Start off small with the nightly phone calls say ‘oh on Tuesday now I have a class but will catch up on Wednesday’

GummyGoddess · 28/07/2018 13:05

I know people will say you're heartless but I completely understand where you're coming from. I would feel exactly the same, second best and a last resort and suspicious that they wanted me to care for them after ignoring me for many years.

It isn't surprising you want them at arm's length if they never made an effort to connect with you.

What are they like with your sibling/s?

Snowysky20009 · 28/07/2018 13:06

I'm hear you. As a child I was passed from pillar to post, between grandparents, then mum, and dad (separated) etc until I left home. They were always out, getting drunk etc. I'm now NC with my mum (another story), but dad has very poor health. I have bipolar plus a host of physical problems and am disabled. Yet not once is my ill health taken into consideration. The family leave it all to me as the only child. I know I sound selfish but I do think sometimes, you weren't there when I needed you, yet you want me here now for you. I am, don't that get me wrong, but I would be lying if I didn't say I resented it at times.

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 28/07/2018 13:06

Perhaps they are thinking they haven’t got much time left, and what they have got left they want to spend with their family.

GoldenHoops · 28/07/2018 13:07

Have you ever listened to the song "Cats in the Cradle" its very apt in your situation.
Your not being unreasonable at all and I would keep things on your terms. My own mother is fortunately, not like yours and we looked after Dh mother until she died. Do your siblings feel the same?

AimlesslyPurposeful · 28/07/2018 13:08

Why can’t you tell them, gently, what you have told us?

That it’s just too much! You love seeing them but their change of social circumstances is impacting on your family time and that you feel they’re using your family to fill the gap those changes have brought.

ilovesliz · 28/07/2018 13:11

Same boat. My DM clearly wants attention from me only when her friends have gone away on holiday and she hasn't got anyone else to talk to. The trouble is, as she has removed herself from my life so much, I have filled it up with my own life.

Watching with interest.

ilovesliz · 28/07/2018 13:12

God, you're brave @AimlesslyPurposeful

Ballora · 28/07/2018 13:13

I hear you, my DM is very self centred, it's always been about her, even when I was a child. Tbh I don't like her Sad

Original poster
WhiteDust · 28/07/2018 13:17

What are they like with your sibling/s?
My siblings are brothers. They seem to be left alone as far as I can tell.

Perhaps they are thinking they haven’t got much time left, and what they have got left they want to spend with their family.
I have been here for nearly 50 years. Spending time with their 'family' hasn't really been their priority until recently.

OP posts:
Racecardriver · 28/07/2018 13:18

YANBU. They clearly had little interest in you until they got bored because their health was preventing them from carrying on the way they had up until now. If you don't have the kind of relationship when you want to see them regularly that is entirely their fault.

KarinVogel · 28/07/2018 13:18

I was prepared to say YABU but from your explanation I can see you arent.
I would keep them at arms length . Definitely dont tell them any of your plans and dont allow them to force themselves on your family life unless and until you say so.

LighthouseSouth · 28/07/2018 13:19

YANBU at all

I'm resentful of what mine expect and they paid us lots of attention. in your situation I'd be telling them to piss off!

Original poster
WhiteDust · 28/07/2018 13:20

ilove
The trouble is, as she has removed herself from my life so much, I have filled it up with my own life.

This is how I feel. The attention, interest and wanting to go places with us (now that they can't do it independently) is suffocating.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhiteDust · 28/07/2018 13:25

They've had an amazing life! They have travelled and have had a brilliant social life. They have money and retired at 50.
I am now creeping towards that age and my DC are teens - we have a good family life ourselves - it's like they want our life too now that they can't do it by themselves any more.

OP posts:
UpstartCrow · 28/07/2018 13:26

Did I understand you correctly, they they focus their attention on you the daughter, and not their sons?
I wonder if they think it's your duty as the daughter to care for them now they are older?

bakingdemon · 28/07/2018 13:28

Have you talked to your brothers and asked them to share some of the load? If they spoke to one of their children or grandchildren each night, and visited one of their children each month, that would ensure they felt they were seeing their family but also that none of you would feel totally suffocated as you do at the moment.

JennieLee · 28/07/2018 13:28

I think that even if their health is no longer great, there are lots of activities available for people in their seventies which could allow them to make new friends. For example the U3A if there is a branch near them. So I think that being brisk and talking about the need to do things with like-minded people at a similar stage in life might work well. (Perhaps saying that a certain amount of activity of this type is likely to be good in terms of general well-being.)

LighthouseSouth · 28/07/2018 13:34

OP "it's like they want our life too now that they can't do it by themselves any more."

I've posted a lot about this on the Elderly Parents forum but yes, and also I feel (felt?) like I was expected to be "entertaining" for them when I used to trek over every week - only just stopped doing that.

colditz · 28/07/2018 13:34

I understand

my parents were well off when I was younger. When I had my first child, they made me homeless. They threw me out at 5 months pregnant. I was sofa surfing. They continued to bicker in a 4 bed Victorian Semi. They didn't like me to stay too long with the baby and certainly I never slept under that roof again.

My dad has had 2 affairs, left mum and then the next one, and now lives in a bedsit. My mum was left with the 4 bed semi with no mortgage yet somehow managed to poorly manage her finances until she had it remortgaged to the hilt and it had to go. Then the smaller house she bought had to go - to may brother and sister who, although adults, still lived there. Now they own it and she lives for free in the smallest room.

And like you, I'm really resentful that I seem to be expected to do more for her at the age of 38 than she ever did for me when she was 38. I sit with her in a and e all day. I take her on holiday.

She avoided me and the kids like the bloody plague when they were small and I desperately needed her. Dad has taken ds1 to the park once but as ds1 has adhd and asd, he opened the car door while it was still moving and nearly got killed (why no childlock???) so he never took either of them again.

And like another poster said, the absence of support they left me with was filled with other things. Friends, trips, hobbies. Now they want me, now I have learned to do everything myself without any help and am actually more competant at managing my finances than they ever have been, now I never need a lift because I can drive, now I never need a babysitter because the kids are teens, NOW they want me to entertain and support them, somehow juggling both of their wants separately.

I'm not surprised you're resentful. I'm resentful. I cannot help thinking that people born postwar have grown up quite selfish and VERY grabby.

Original poster
WhiteDust · 28/07/2018 13:34

Have you talked to your brothers and asked them to share some of the load?
My Mum says that both brothers are very busy with their work. Hmm

Upstart Could be but I think they like our lifestyle more than that of my brothers. They want to join in with us - the things we do appeal to them.

OP posts:
Roussette · 28/07/2018 13:35

I'm torn on this. How you describe your parents' lives up to now is how mine were. Their social life, holidays etc always seemed to come top of the list, I was the youngest and I was shipped off to relatives when they wanted to go off on yet another holiday and I resented it. They weren't brilliant at parenting to be honest.

However, they got older. They mellowed. They wanted me and my siblings as they aged. Yes, at times I resented it but it's like a one off isn't it... I only had one set of parents and I did not want to look back and feel mean about how I was with them towards the end of their lives. So I did put myself out quite a bit, and then I was nursing one through cancer etc and supporting them, it was not easy with young DCs at the time, but they were grateful in their own way. Looking back I am glad I did that, I don't think I could've lived with myself if I hadn't.

Wdigin2this · 28/07/2018 13:35

If it's them ringing you each night, speak for a minute or two, then say I have to dash because; a,b,c! If you're expected to ring every evening, just don't, ring one or twice a week, but make that the habit.
Don't always be telling them your plans, don't be mean, include them in a few age appropriate trips, but I wouldn't go on a full holiday with them, unless they're offering to pay for you all as a treat..even then, I'd be careful not to make it a habit!
They've had their lives, to live as they pleased, it's now your turn...do not even think about feeling guilty!

toomuchtooold · 28/07/2018 13:36

Perhaps they are thinking they haven’t got much time left, and what they have got left they want to spend with their family

Now that they've run out of other options and all the kids are grown up so there's no effort involved.