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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

'Taking on my children'

370 replies

tinkerbellone · 28/07/2018 07:06

I’m a single mother to four. I have heard this phrase so many times from people when I’ve been dating, ‘well he’s going to be taking on four children’ like he deserves a medal. One exBF actually said this to my face, almost like I should be thankful to him!
My children are great kids. Not perfect. But funny, independent and bright.

AIBU that if I did ever meet a man who I wanted to marry etc, no one is ‘taking on’ anything and they should be happy to become part of my family? Rather than implying it’s a burden?

Or am I seeing this from the wrong point of view.

OP posts:

dorisdog · 29/07/2018 21:06

Also, my partner is a step father to our daughter. He wouldn't dream of using a phrase like this! I'd be appalled if he had :-/

Boulty · 29/07/2018 21:20

"Gaining a house or home is a good way to look at it. My friend does online dating and is astounded how many men are in houseshares, even aged 40 and 50."

The reason a lot of men are in house shares at 40 or 50 is because the ex has the house! They often come out financially much worse off and cannot afford maintenance/paying towards the old mortgage and buying again so they have to rent or share. So gaining a house or home at another person expense... ummm

niketrainersarecomfy · 29/07/2018 21:28

But a home with a new family is surely better than single in a flatshare. So it is a benefit. Moving in with a child and their mother isnt just a negative was the point i was making, not saying that they should be grateful

Theycouldhavechoseneve · 29/07/2018 21:30

But a home with a new family is surely better than single in a flatshare

Really depends on what you want. If you date someone knowing they have kids then you can presume it’s the former.

Guitarlady · 29/07/2018 21:31

Gotta say OP when I read the title of your post, I imagined you squaring up with fisticuffs to "take on" your children!

I've been eternally single for years as a mum of 3 and it has to be a special man to become PART of my family rather than "taking on" my kids. I'm a package deal as a single mum so take it or leave it! Most have left it but that's fine with me!

One day my Prince will come (breaking into song now!)

Pengggwn · 29/07/2018 21:32

niketrainersarecomfy

You make single men sound like they live in Battersea Dogs' Home - it's really rude! How is one house share automatically better than another, particularly when the man is no longer actually single (so can't please himself about when to come and go, what to eat for dinner, how much to spend on X) but also has no authority in the home?

So weird that you think this sounds good. It sounds rough!

acegod · 29/07/2018 21:37

I would just do it and expereince the wave of effects, you'll soon find out if it works out or not. The best way to live life is to expereince it. Good luck.

Kewcumber · 29/07/2018 22:22

Single parent (totally lone parent) with a nearly 13 year old. I financially and emotionally support him now, I don;t see how getting married spreads the "burden" to my new DH?

There is the tricky issue of how you get to the point of remarriage when you have a child with no babysitting available. And some people wouldn;t want to share you with a child.

But most men I meet, the rare men I meet, often have their own children so are understanding of the time contraints.

I wouldn;t feel responsible for their children any more than I expect them to be responsible for mine. Obviously over time that becomes more blurred but initally I expect there to be a pretty definitive line of responsibility.

I'm not helpless and in need of a man to "take on" my responsibilities. I'm a functioing adult woman.

niketrainersarecomfy · 29/07/2018 22:31

Peng
But if you read my former posts i argue a stepparent would have authority, they would be part of a family.
I didnt mean to make them sound like dogs but i cant see how living in a flatshare is worse than being a stepdad, if you want to be. Thats all i said

Pengggwn · 30/07/2018 08:11

niketrainersarecomfy

I didn't see anything in your posts that suggested they would have the appropriate adult authority, actually.

Anyway, it doesn't matter. We disagree and I could not live like that.

roundaboutthetown · 30/07/2018 08:34

Yes, tbh, I don't see why a house share with adults is worse than a house share with one other adult and teenagers you are not allowed to agree any house rules with and are constantly being criticised for overstepping boundaries with. Teenagers are not widely recognised as the best housemates.

CanineEnigma · 30/07/2018 08:44

All the later posts have demonstrated is exactly why it’s not being a dick to say that a single person has “taken on” a single parent’s kids - all the talk of existing household rules etc. New partner has to either be totally, unquestioningly, happy to go along with whatever existing systems are in place or fuck off. No room for compromise - they’re taking something on that they wouldn’t if they were seeing someone without kids.

Pengggwn · 30/07/2018 10:48

New partner has to either be totally, unquestioningly, happy to go along with whatever existing systems are in place or fuck off

Isn't it a strange attitude? Who on earth would want to move in with someone who talked about 'house rules' as if they didn't really mean 'their rules' anyway? It's not 'The Shining' - the house isn't sentient! They mean they are so used to having things their own way with their children, that they can't help but try to treat another adult like an extension of their children. It's weird.

LG123 · 30/07/2018 17:08

God some of the posts on this thread make it sound like a single parent doesn't deserve a relationship.....

DontCallMeCharlotte · 30/07/2018 17:14

If "taking on my children" isn't an acceptable phrase (and I did liked the positive comparison to "taking on Everest" from a PP), what expression would you use?

niketrainersarecomfy · 30/07/2018 17:42

Not quite sure where pengg is positioning their argument to be fair

keffie12 · 30/07/2018 20:51

I was blessed to meet 16 years ago my husband, best friend and soul mate who was and is the dad he didn't have to be to our four. I say our 4 as the biological one has the boys call him was a sperm doner to be blunt. Yes my four all have the same biological one.

I finally fled when the ex turned on the eldest when he was 15. Yes he was violent. However he provided and all.looked very nice on the surface as is the case in the majority of homes. I recreated my childhood in adulthood.

I know I was blessed to meet my 2nd husband who seen through the chaos I came with and the aftermath and wanted to be with me and the children. My husband had been the carer for his dad to help his parents have a life. His Dad passed as we met. My wonderful remarkable husband had never married or had children.

They have taken him as their own. Our eldest son put his name on his marriage certificate two years ago when he married as step dad or the groom.

My husband never tried to be dad. He just was and more. He hated anyone saying I was so lucky meeting him. He always quantified it with saying he was lucky too.

He hated people saying they don't know what I would have done it I hadnt met him.

Unfortunately my husband passed away unexpectedly in March this year at the age of 60.

There will never be anyone else. I met my husband best friend and soul mate. He is with me in spirit and my soul and heart belong to him only. I wear his wedding wing underneath mine where it will always stay.

So sum up: there are good men out there. I know cos I met the best

SandyY2K · 30/07/2018 20:56

As mums usually are the resident parent...it does seem like 'taking on' your kids.

Its not about how well behaved they are. That's not the issue...but I understand why you wouldn't like the phrase.

It's different for a man who often has his kids EOW... the woman isn't taking them on as such ...as they have a primary carer.

SansaClegane · 30/07/2018 21:04

keffie what a lovely and positive post. And I'm so sorry for your loss

Original poster

tinkerbellone · 01/08/2018 00:20

Keffie12
Thank you for your encouraging post- so sorry you lost your good man xx

OP posts:

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