'Taking on my children'

[tinkerbellone]

I’m a single mother to four. I have heard this phrase so many times from people when I’ve been dating, ‘well he’s going to be taking on four children’ like he deserves a medal. One exBF actually said this to my face, almost like I should be thankful to him!
My children are great kids. Not perfect. But funny, independent and bright.

AIBU that if I did ever meet a man who I wanted to marry etc, no one is ‘taking on’ anything and they should be happy to become part of my family? Rather than implying it’s a burden?

Or am I seeing this from the wrong point of view.

Honestly, yes it is a lot to take on. I am a single mothers to one child and I think I'm a lot to take on compared to women with no children.

I think you may be getting defensive as deep down you feel self conscious of the fact you have four children, and how that can have an effect on finding future partners.

Go onto the Step Parenting board and see what "taking on children" really is.
Then you'll understand the implications of that phrase.
Yabu

I think it would be more realistic to plan to sty single until your children are grown up. You never know what might happen, but looking for a partner at this stage you are more likely to end up in a very bad situation

I guess you should reverse it, how would you feel if you got 4 more children full time from tomorrow?

Jeez why would you want to bring a strange man into your kids lives? Just date without commitment

Would you rush into a relationship with a widower who had four children?

I have heard this phrase so many times from people when I’ve been dating, ‘well he’s going to be taking on four children’ like he deserves a medal.

Sorry OP but YABVU.
He would potentially be sharing his life with & helping to support (financially & emotionally) your large family. It's a big deal and not everyone would want to 'take on' that kind of responsibility. People who do are very generous IMHO.

YABU

It's not implying your children are a burden, it's the truth..4 kids is alot to take on.

^This

I get where you are coming from and I love the fact you have high standards however it doesn’t matter which way you word it - someone would be taking in your family!

helacells

Please don't start that. There are multiple reasons someone would want to do this, all of them fine. This thread isn't about whether entering a serious relationship as a parent is acceptable - that isn't anyone else's business.

But that phrase "taking on" is NOT used when someone adopts or gives birth.

Taking on has negative tones to it that only come when a single adult partners up with a single parent. We don't use it even when 2 single parents get together. Of course there's huge responsibility to raising kids, but it's as if someone who is single must somehow have extra love/commitment/superpowers to "take one" their partner's kids.

I've know plenty of people who LOVE the kids of their partner. They don't take them on as if it's some kind of endurance test, but actually feel lucky & happy to have the additional joy of children as part of their new relationship.

I think you are right. Howver for me i know that no stepdad would ever want my kids as much as any future children, or his own, so it is complicated.
I have 3, im average in every way.
To be honest i have ruled out a future relationship until they have left home, as i dont have enough benefits to offer anyone and know they would either leave or cheat. So yanby, but you will not find anyone yet. At least until they are independent

HugeAckmansWife has it bang on. The kids don't even come into it until you've been together long enough to know DP (years). Why the need/rush to involve them/blend families at all?

but it's as if someone who is single must somehow have extra love/commitment/superpowers to "take one" their partner's kids.

I think this is the reality. We are genetically predisposed and then conditioned to love our own children. When they are surly or lazy or boring, we excuse it, because they are ours. A person who hasn't brought them up would have to be extra tolerant and extra giving of themselves. It is quite a special thing to do.

But he will be taking on responsibility to help house, feed and clothe 4 children.

Unless you have separate finances. Which comes with its own problems.

But they are 'taking them on' OP if they were to move in and become part of your family.

It affects your status in terms of benefit entitlement as he would be expected to contribute to your family's expenses.

There was a thread recently about how a male partner's income was taken into account when their dc was apply fir a student loan, even though he had kids of his own to support through uni. In the eyes of the law he was still expected to contribute to a step child's higher education post-18.

So I do think you have to be somewhat grateful tbh. That doesn't mean you have to be a supplicant or put up with crap behaviour from men because they've 'taken your kids on', but you do have to acknowledge the implications to any man in terms of time and money.

I think the idea of taking on a family of five is a huge ask of anyone. The children might be delightful with their biological parent but an absolute nightmare for their partner. Financially alone, it’s a big burden (unless you don’t pay for the children as your own and that creates resentments).
It might work occasionally but I’d be asking my children to think carefully before becoming involved with a shingle parent and taking on another person’s family.

Most people find their own kids hard work and a pain at times. Therefore someone else’s kids are likely to be much more like hard work. It is just a reality.
Please don’t lower your standards though!

The phrase is horrible and outdated and patriarchal OP.
It implies that your new partner would be financially supporting your children which I imagine is not the case.

YABU, not just because of the responsibility and financial implications, but also because of the potential impact on the relationship. Starting a relationship with a child-free person would be very different because you would probably rank higher in their priorities and there would be much more time available to socialise together etc. Also, your dc may seem charming to you, but other people's children are much harder to deal with than one's own.

Turn it on it's head, what if you were childless and met a man with four children whom all lived with him. I'd run for the hills

Yep, I ‘took on’ 3 kids. I had no idea what I was doing...also ‘took on’ the ex wife. It’s been bloody hard work at times. No matter how delightful they can be at times. And the ex is reasonable.

YABU. You’ll be incredibly lucky if you find s new partner and it all goes without a hitch....

To devote time, energy, emotion and resources to some other man's offspring, inevitably to the detriment of his own, is a big ask and you have to be realistic.