'Taking on my children'

[tinkerbellone]

I’m a single mother to four. I have heard this phrase so many times from people when I’ve been dating, ‘well he’s going to be taking on four children’ like he deserves a medal. One exBF actually said this to my face, almost like I should be thankful to him!
My children are great kids. Not perfect. But funny, independent and bright.

AIBU that if I did ever meet a man who I wanted to marry etc, no one is ‘taking on’ anything and they should be happy to become part of my family? Rather than implying it’s a burden?

Or am I seeing this from the wrong point of view.

I’m a DSM to 2 kids. Although it’s a poor term, you do ‘take on’ the kids. You’re expected to do all the stuff mums do - for example, cooking, cleaning, cleaning up puke..... but you get absolutely no thanks from the kids or acknowledgement from mum.

If you’re really unlucky to get to ‘take on’ the rath of the EW as well. Who expects you to care for her kids but not dare over step any boundaries.

You see I completely disagree with Dungeon. I want someone who wants to be in family unit with me and dd. And that includes parenting to a degree.
And in regards to difficult conversations, I only see it as a positive the more people my dd has who love her and she trusts to talk to about difficult things. If that’s me or her dad, great. If it ends up being a step dad or step mum, aunt, uncle or best friends mum, I don’t care so long as she gets the help or advice she needs!

Still don’t think of it as ‘taking us on’ though!

OP, you should never feel grateful for someone being in a relationship with you, ever! Anyone who makes you feel like that isn’t worth your time. I believe that 100% even if you’ve got 20 kids and live in a shoe!

Although it’s a poor term, you do ‘take on’ the kids. You’re expected to do all the stuff mums do - for example, cooking, cleaning, cleaning up puke..... but you get absolutely no thanks from the kids or acknowledgement from mum.

Why should the mum acknowledge or thank you for cooking and cleaning your own house. Perhaps she thinks your DH should thank you or perhaps do the cooking and cleaning himself if his children are causing the extra work.

but you get absolutely no thanks from the kids
That’s surely a parenting problem NorthernSpirit why has your DH not taught the children to show you thanks?
And I’m not sure what you mean by all the stuff MUMS do, do you mean all the stuff parents do? If it’s not a equal distribution in your home, that’s a DH problem.

I agree nobody should have to feel grateful for someone being in a relationship with them, and to be honest I’ve never associated “taking on” with having to feel grateful. I just see it as a factual term to describe the responsibilities you will have when you decide to be with someone who has children.

And in regards to difficult conversations, I only see it as a positive the more people my dd has who love her and she trusts to talk to about difficult things. If that’s me or her dad, great. If it ends up being a step dad or step mum, aunt, uncle or best friends mum, I don’t care so long as she gets the help or advice she needs!

Not sure what you mean by "difficult conversation" but if your DD's aunt, uncle or best friends mum have a "difficult conversation" with them do you think they are "parenting" your DD?

I disagree with dungeon that dealing with teenage strops are the parents sole responsibility. What if your kid gobs ar your partner? Do they not have a right to discipline? If having a relationship with someone who isnt your kids dad means being a single parent then whats the point??

You know what OP?
Men take on their partner's children all the time.
It happens every day in this country.

There's absolutely no reason why it won't happen for you too.

YABU by feeling defensive about the phrase though. It is most oftern used by other women who have their own reasons for attempting to denigrate you and your children.

If a man says it and they rarely do then my darling the hills are that way>>>>>>>

Becauase aunts etc dont live with the mother. Good god are women so desperate for sex that they will put up with being grateful for a cocklodger because they have kids? Should they be grateful? Hell no.

I’m thinking school problems, bullying, boyfriends, drinking, smoking, sex and i think it can fall under the parent/guardian bracket Dungeon yes. It’s a responsible adult and I wouldn’t want anyone my dd trusts to talk to, to turn away from a difficult conversation with her (long way away seen as she’s not even two, but that’s how I feel)

Clicked post too soon!
But someone potentially living with her is going to form a relationship/bond. They’ll be arguments, falling outs I wouldn’t expect my partner to not deal with things as they arose. I’d only ever live with someone who I believed loved and cared for my dd and we’d obviously have discussed discipline and how we’d deal with things before hand.
It’s not something that happens overnight so my partner and dd will have time to build that realationship before it got to the stage of him ‘parenting’ her.

What do you class as parenting Dungeon?

I didn’t start dating post divorce until I’d got myself financially stable again, so I could be an equal party in a relationship and didn’t have to rely on a man in anyway no matter how small. Before I was stable I used to ask “who’d want to take me on?” My friends would say a good man wouldn’t look at it that way if he loves you. I think a good man who was equally unstable wouldn’t bat an eye but a more solvent man would. I believe this because this was my own approach once I was back on my feet. I didn’t want someone with more or less than me

Step-families are fraught with all sorts of problems. I know that bio families are too but it would be rather disingenuous to suggest that 'taking on' someone else's children however old they are doesn't come with its own set of unique problems. I actively avoid dating men with children for this reason - it's just not a battle I want to fight, nor do I have the resources to do so.

I disagree with dungeon that dealing with teenage strops are the parents sole responsibility. What if your kid gobs ar your partner?

"Gobs at your partner"?!! Do your children/step children do that? How disgusting. Obviously if a child does something to the step parent they have the right to tell them off but that would apply to anyone. Nobody would say nothing if someone gobbed at them. I'm talking about disciplining for eye rolling and general attitude. I think it is the parents job to sort that out, not the step parents.

To me the term taking on refers to the financial responsibility more than an emotional one.

What do you class as parenting Dungeon?

For my teenagers, my main job is to provide emotional support and guidance/advice. I sometimes tell them off about attitude/selfishness etc but as I say, I think that is best done by actual parents. Step parents should avoid getting involved in discipline (unless it directly relates to how the child has treated them e.g. gobbing!), if possible.

Gobbing aside, my friend was a step mum. She made dinner one night, asked her 10 year old SD to please come to the table as her DP was changing the baby. SD told her to fuck off. She told her to apologise or go to her room. SD told her to fuck off again and friend’s DP told my friend not to tell his child what to do. They’re split up now, the DP was a spineless wanker who insisted his DC were angels and if he didn’t they’d phone their mum who’d kick off and insist he took them back to hers. Friend had been in the picture since they were 2 and 4 and an active parent type figure because there’s no other way when the DC are so young.

She took on a man who was hugely damaged by his ex cheating on him and being horrific to him and his two small children and got treated like crap for it. It was alright until she had her own at which point he felt so guilty about the baby he let his kids walk all over her. He also refused to get married because his divorce from his ex was so grim.

She’s a single mum now and her life is better but I know she wishes she’d have known what life would be like.

surely no parent would expect their child to 'gob' at someone (assuming you mean spit?) and the person not to say anything? what an utterly bizarre example. I could say with some degree of certainty my dcs wouldn't gob at anybody, nor have I ever actually encountered children who would do that.

She made dinner one night, asked her 10 year old SD to please come to the table as her DP was changing the baby. SD told her to fuck off. She told her to apologise or go to her room. SD told her to fuck off again and friend’s DP told my friend not to tell his child what to do. They’re split up now, the DP was a spineless wanker who insisted his DC were angels and if he didn’t they’d phone their mum who’d kick off and insist he took them back to hers.

It sounds like the relationship had totally broken down anyway if the 10 year old was telling her to "fuck off" and the DH was effectively supporting her!

The only adults in my children's lives are me, their Disney Dad (who is my ex) and teachers at school. They have little experience of adults being involved in their lives apart from the odd friend's parent giving them a lift or something. Therefore stuff like the lifts, guidance and discipline comes under parenting for us.

I "took on" a man with an adult daughter who lived overseas (long haul flight away).

Despite being clear and agreeing from day 1 that I would be a friendly, but completely non-maternal presence (she has a mother and equally didn't want or need a spare one!!), we still broke up over the issue. He simply couldn't accept that his relationship with her was always going to be different to mine, and his (secretly held) dream of us having girlie chats and shopping trips together was never going to happen.

As and when I force myself to try again, it will be categorically aimed at men who neither have, nor want, children, because I just don't need that shit in my life. And I know that sounds awful, but it's actually about being honest and not giving people false hope.

Despite being clear and agreeing from day 1 that I would be a friendly, but completely non-maternal presence (she has a mother and equally didn't want or need a spare one!!), we still broke up over the issue

That seems really odd. Given that she was an adult living overseas what was he expecting you to do?

It was more me really. I wanted to be sure he knew I wasn't going to be stepping into the role of stepmum and contacting her independently/arranging meetups when she was back here/skype/whatever. If he arranged stuff with her, great, I might be involved, I might not. But I wasn't obliged if that makes sense?

(I have step parents on both sides myself - starting from around the same age as her - and if either of them had tried to be a "replacement parent" I would have hated it. I was keen to replicate the good, cordial experiences I have with them and not try and be/do/act something I'm not)

Oh, I may have misunderstood your question.

I think that despite the frank and mutually agreed conversations about my role in her life, he still secretly harboured a fantasy of some perfect idyllic little family unit on the odd occasions she visited, and expected me to be in frequent contact with her, as if she was my own daughter. Unfortunately neither she or I had any interest in any of it, but I took the full brunt of his disappointment when he realised.

I think you are being blinded by the fact you seem to love children OP. And if you have 4 you are well and truley adjusted to the massive changes in lifestyle and lack of freedom/flexibility that children bring. I have children myself and of course they also being lots of love and joy, but there is no denying it’s bloody hard work too, expensive, and lifestyle limiting.

There are men out there who also love children and will hopefully see it as blessing to join your family. But, as someone who grew up with step parents and saw it first hand, you can not ignore the responsibility that is being a step parent, and hence the term ‘taking on’.