'Taking on my children'

[tinkerbellone]

I’m a single mother to four. I have heard this phrase so many times from people when I’ve been dating, ‘well he’s going to be taking on four children’ like he deserves a medal. One exBF actually said this to my face, almost like I should be thankful to him!
My children are great kids. Not perfect. But funny, independent and bright.

AIBU that if I did ever meet a man who I wanted to marry etc, no one is ‘taking on’ anything and they should be happy to become part of my family? Rather than implying it’s a burden?

Or am I seeing this from the wrong point of view.

Dungeondragon15

I knew before I read your comment that it would start with 'you are not the parent' etc.

That is exactly what I am saying. Unless I was, to all intents and purposes, going to be able to behave like a parent toward an minors living in my (shared) house, I would stay in my own house. I am not controlling. I am an adult and wouldn't accept being treated as anything other than that. That means any teens living with me would need to treat me respectfully, follow instructions etc., without me needing 'parental' intervention from my partner. If that wasn't happening, absolutely fine and no problem - he would just be living on his own with his kids.

It's not a phrase I like, nor would I want it to happen to my children. They're my priority and the thought of another relationship is out of the question because my children are delightful and aren't baggage to be taken on. I recognise that they are central to my life and anybody else would come second. That's not likely to lead to a successful relationship and I won't compromise so that's the end of that for me.

My 2nd dh took on 3 girls, albeit one was old enough to have left home by then. But I worked full time and earnt as much as he did and he gained a house, so hardly 'taking on 3'. It's a little different if the parent with the dcs isn't working and would have to rely on the new dp to provide I guess.

Gaining a house or home is a good way to look at it. My friend does online dating and is astounded how many men are in houseshares, even aged 40 and 50.

I married a man who had children. They did not live with him but I always had to accept the risk they might, and in the end that is what happened. It all worked out fine but it need not have done and there were times when I seriously considered walking away. Also you will of course think your own children are great but you cannot possibly have a totally objective view. These days I would think twice about taking on someone else's dog, far less their children.

Gaining a house or home is a good way to look at it. My friend does online dating and is astounded how many men are in houseshares, even aged 40 and 50.

At least they have tenancy agreements, though. Living with some of these people sounds rather like moving in with Fergus Wilson; his way or the highway, and be grateful!

I don't know why parents get so defensive over this. I personally would not be a step-parent for love nor money. But taking on someone else's child is tough. I have a lot of respect for step-parents.

Children aren't a burden, they are part of you and your life. If someone backs off because you have a family, they don't have enough commitment to become part of your life and don't deserve you. I know plenty of lovely men who have become dad to a ready made family.

I think you would actually recieve a different and more special kind of love from a woman if you were prepared to support her parenting role. Its how cocklodgers make their entrance unfortunately.

'Taking on' sounds like a really onerous task. It's the expression that is wrong, not the truth of the statement.

I had two boys and had been single for 8 years when I met my husband. He knew if we got together that yes, he would be taking on a lot of responsibility, as he knew he couldn't be a big part of my life without being a big part of theirs.
We had to spend a lot of time all of us together to make sure it would work, and it can be hard for your new partner, let alone the kids when you meet someone new. The dynamics completely change. I heard the phrase 'Aww he's taken on the kids well hasn't he!' but never bothered to see it negatively.
He was 19 at the time while I was 27, and he was 'taking on' a lot, he was moving far from his family, giving up his job where he lived to come and start supporting us as a family, and being a dad to two young lads who had never had a man in their lives as they lost their dad at a young age.
But I can't be bothered to take the phrase negatively...He 'took us on'as it were, and we did the same, and it worked bloody well. We now have two of our own daughters, and he has said he's so pleased they were girls as he has his boys already :-).

OP, before you had any DCs, if you had met a man for a date, and found out his 4 DCs lived with him, can you honestly say it wouldn't have given you pause for thought as to whether you wanted to get involved with all of that, should things become serious between you?

I have DCs and have dated, but understand completely why some people would feel that getting involved seriously with someone who has DC, is just not for them.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. My (now) husband had 3 sons and an ex-wife but he was always honest about it from the get go and it has never felt like I have "taken on" something. It'll work out in the end for you, I'm sure and if you have a problem with the phrase then the right person for you is never going to use it. It's that simple, we all have different hard limits. Don't change yours because other people say you should.

I'm so impressed with your attitude towards your children that everything else doesn't matter. You're a very good mother by the sounds of it. Good luck!

If I decide to move in with a partner who has children, I expect an equal say in the house rules because I am adult, not one of the children, and, being an adult, why should I be dictated to by someone else's rules? The rules would need to be agreed between me and my partner, and the teenagers would need to follow them. Any other arrangement just wouldn't work for me.
I think that's called 'not ever being asked to move in with your partner's

AnotherDayAnotherName745

A prospect which doesn't worry me! I wouldn't be in a rush to take on someone else's children and bills.

You'd be well advised not to Penggwn as you don't have any grasp of how teenagers work by the sound of it.

marsbarsandtwix

Hmm. Secondary school teacher. I am well aware of 'how they work'. But I am talking about how I work. I wouldn't move in to someone's house as part of a 'blended family' when I was actually treated like a not-particularly-glorified-lodger-cum-cleaner. I can't think why anybody would.

YAB a bit U, sorry OP.

People date because they want to meet someone special that they fall in love with.
Dating a free and single woman, and dating a single Mum of 4 will have highly different constraints on their time, money and lifestyle.
A man dating someone with 4 kids has to adapt to these parameters. So yes, they will be taking on more than if you didn't have four DC. That's just fact.
It's not that you should "feel grateful" but you should at least recognise that many men will run screaming from the prospect.

If you think that's harsh, ask yourself; would you be happy to date a single Dad of 4, knowing that in the future, if it pans out, you'll need be a blended family of 10?
It's the same thing.

I do think women are made to feel grateful. They guy my friend sees will go for a day out with her and her kids, but then needs 'time alone'. He returns at night once the kids are in bed expecting sex. Theres a lot of payment in kind which men expect for putting up with someone elses kids. I expect the expectation increases with number of kids, if the kids are special needs and so on.

They guy my friend sees will go for a day out with her and her kids, but then needs 'time alone'. He returns at night once the kids are in bed
Seems sensible to me. If the DCs have been with mummy and her friend all day, surely it's appropriate for her to spend some time without him, just with her DCs before bed. I wouldn't want a boyfriend involved in my DCs bedtime, appreciate some people might, but you'd need to be v sure the DCs didn't resent not having their own DMs attention for the last sleepy bit of their day.

Hmm. Secondary school teacher. I am well aware of 'how they work. But I am talking about how I work.
That's surprising, as you seem quite confused about the boundaries on what level of involvement you should have with other people's DCs. You are not grasping that you don't get to immediately act in loco parents because you live in a house with someone else's DCs. No sane parent would permit that.

If you want to continue to talk about how you work, it may be best to start your own thread.

AnotherDayAnotherName745

And you don't seem to grasp that I would not ever be moving in as a virtual stranger. I don't get why people do that. 'Boundaries' wouldn't be the issue.

Another day no she hates it. He leaves because the kids are hyper on getting home and she has to cook dinner. He 'deserves' to eat in peace, and also after having put up with the kids, 'deserves' time with her uninterrupted. Its hard work keeping a man as it is.

Totally with you OP. It's a horrible phrase. My Dad actually used to say it about my Mum (she already had a child when he met her and then they had two more children). He would sometimes say 'I took you mother and xxxx on,' as if it was an act of charity!! My reply was always 'Oh, didn't you actually love her then?' Of course he'd splutter and say, 'of course.' And my Dad is a lovely man - but it infuriates me when he says this and I hope he never said it to my mum, to her face. It's a way of implying a kind of heroism and as if the other person should be grateful. Which obviously they don't need to be.

You don't need to feel grateful for relationships, OP. I'm sure anyone would be lucky to live their life with you and your children :-)