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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'Taking on my children'

370 replies

tinkerbellone · 28/07/2018 07:06

I’m a single mother to four. I have heard this phrase so many times from people when I’ve been dating, ‘well he’s going to be taking on four children’ like he deserves a medal. One exBF actually said this to my face, almost like I should be thankful to him!
My children are great kids. Not perfect. But funny, independent and bright.

AIBU that if I did ever meet a man who I wanted to marry etc, no one is ‘taking on’ anything and they should be happy to become part of my family? Rather than implying it’s a burden?

Or am I seeing this from the wrong point of view.

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 28/07/2018 19:23

Dungeondragon15

In which case it's a) surprising to me that any rational adult would choose to move in with a parent and b) unsurprising to me that so many of the ones who do, turn out to be feckless, lazy, leechy cocklodgers. They don't want to parent, just to have a cheap place to live. Not something I would want for my kids.

DonutCone · 28/07/2018 20:19

I honestly can think of few things worse that having a relationship with someone who already had a 4 children. I wouldn't ever want to put in the effort or deal with the complications from that, so actually anyone who does has a huge amount of respect from me.

Dungeondragon15 · 28/07/2018 21:26

They don't want to parent, just to have a cheap place to live. Not something I would want for my kids.

People want different things. As a mother of teenagers I wouldn't particularly want anyone to move in anyway but if they did I wouldn't want them to consider themselves a "parent".

Pengggwn · 28/07/2018 21:29

Dungeondragon15

And I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who was happy sitting around my house being disrespected by a 14 year old and coming running to me to sort it out! But each to their own.

niketrainersarecomfy · 28/07/2018 22:01

Single till they've left home it is then....

Dungeondragon15 · 29/07/2018 00:16

And I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who was happy sitting around my house being disrespected by a 14 year old and coming running to me to sort it out! But each to their own.

Obviously if they were rude to the stepparent I I wouldn't expect them to sit there and put up with it. Any adult would tell a child off if they were being rude to them.

TillyTadpole · 29/07/2018 00:41

I'm a bit far removed from the latest parenting scene. My youngest is 16. My eldest is 30.

If someone suggested I live with, and provide for, somebody else's 4 children I would probably head for the hills... sorry!

Cheerymom · 29/07/2018 00:54

I have two SC and if I knew now what I know now I would not 'take on' anyone else child. Of course in the beginning the feeling of love overwhelms and who doesn't like the idea of children?

Truth is a SP is spending huge amounts of time, energy and money on children who for the most part are ungrateful. It is not comparable to adopting or other ways of choosing to have a child, you are NEVER the parent and usually vilified by an ex.

No one will ever love your children the way you do, why should they?

Holymolynowayimagreeingwiththa · 29/07/2018 00:57

I have 3 DC so would be unable to commit to someone with 4 DC as 7DC is just too many. I don't have the time, finances or energy for 7.

So yes, any serious partner living with you would be taking on 4 DC. Some people will be unable to do this even if they do like you a lot. It didn't mean they don't appreciate how great your DC are.

funinthesun18 · 29/07/2018 01:47

Some people will be unable to do this even if they do like you a lot. It didn't mean they don't appreciate how great your DC are.-

This is the key point to remember really. They might like you a lot and think your children are great, but they just don’t want any level of commitment to your children so have to call it a day. I have children of my own and I really couldn’t get with another man with children even if they were lovely kids. He could be the hottest guy I’ve ever met and be my dream man, but him having kids would put me right off.

Pengggwn · 29/07/2018 06:52

Dungeondragon15

To me, disrespectful and rude aren't synonyms. For example, a teen who wants to sit on the sofa for a whole Saturday and hog the TV, leave food about the place and generally live in a hovel, isn't being rude, but they are being disrespectful, especially if told to clean up/go for a shower/turn the TV off. That's adult authority. But, according to you, that's a SP overstepping.

Not an issue for me - I would just never put myself in that situation.

Pengggwn · 29/07/2018 06:59

Dungeondragon15

Plus, I think your expectation that a step-parent should have the same role as 'any adult' or as a babysitter is very strange. Why would they live with people who were going to treat them like some stranger?

HulaMelody · 29/07/2018 07:14

OP o don’t think it is a nice turn of phrase to use; but then again if you meet someone who has children, in a way you’ll be taking them on.
And while you’ve raised your children to be independent and respectful, you may find that someone’s step-children aren’t as ‘low maintenance’ so you’d have a role in taking on their baggage and adapting things for you and your children to accommodate them.

Dungeondragon15 · 29/07/2018 08:17

For example, a teen who wants to sit on the sofa for a whole Saturday and hog the TV, leave food about the place and generally live in a hovel, isn't being rude, but they are being disrespectful, especially if told to clean up/go for a shower/turn the TV off. That's adult authority. But, according to you, that's a SP overstepping.

I wouldn't describe that as "disrespectful". To me it is selfish and inconsiderate. If they have made a mess as a one-off, then it wouldn't be an issue for anyone to ask them to take their stuff to their room, load the dishwasher etc. If their bedroom was extremely messy and they were consistently been very messy and inconsiderate and not tidying up when asked, then I think it better for the actual parent rather than the step parent to chat to them about how their behavior needs to change.

Dungeondragon15 · 29/07/2018 08:21

Plus, I think your expectation that a step-parent should have the same role as 'any adult' or as a babysitter is very strange. Why would they live with people who were going to treat them like some stranger?

Where did I say that they would have the same role as a babysitter? Teenagers don't need babysitters. I wouldn't expect them to treat a step parent as a stranger either. I just wouldn't expect them to have a parental role if they moved in when the children were teenagers.

Pengggwn · 29/07/2018 08:44

Dungeondragon15

Okay, well, it's a matter of preference, I suppose. But I can't see very many people being prepared to move in to a home where they weren't in a position to correct a child's behaviour. It's weird.

Dungeondragon15 · 29/07/2018 09:05

Okay, well, it's a matter of preference, I suppose. But I can't see very many people being prepared to move in to a home where they weren't in a position to correct a child's behaviour. It's weird.

They are in a position to "correct a child's behaviour" if the child is being directly rude to them though. I have never said otherwise. I just don't think it would be appropriate for someone to move into a house with teenagers and start to "correct" their behaviour in general. It would hardly make for a harmonious atmosphere would it?

As for not seeing how many people would be happy to move into a home with teenagers and not start disciplining them, I think quite a lot of people would prefer to leave that to parents (apart from dealing with direct rudeness of course). I know I would.

Pengggwn · 29/07/2018 09:12

Dungeondragon15

Seriously? You think most adults would be happy to live in a home with non-adults and not be in the role of parent to them? When I say that, I mean being able to give them reasonable instructions like tidy your room, no, you can't order pizza tonight, we're having lasagne etc. Normal stuff. Why would anyone put themselves in that role?

HerondaleDucks · 29/07/2018 09:17

Not sure where it says on the OP that these children are teenagers.
Most step parents that post on mumsnet are step parents to younger children or pre teens at least at first.
It's not often I see one of a step parent moving in with all teenagers.
In my household both children are under 13 so I'm struggling to understand your points Dragon as it would make no sense to not parent children in the same house as you.

Dungeondragon15 · 29/07/2018 09:27

You think most adults would be happy to live in a home with non-adults and not be in the role of parent to them?

I said many, not most. I think many people wouldn't want to move into a house of teenagers and start enforcing rules around tidying rooms etc. If I was moving into a house with teenagers I wouldn't care that much about whether their bedroom was tidy and I would consider it the parents job to get them to change their behaviour. It is far easier for a parent to do that and less likely to lead to tensions. I don't know about other households but I can't see a scenario where I would have to tell my teenagers not to order pizza -they would only do that if they were willing to pay for it which is unlikely.

Dungeondragon15 · 29/07/2018 09:30

Not sure where it says on the OP that these children are teenagers.

No, sorry we have moved off topic. A previous poster stated that a step parent has to parent any children in the house and I was making the point (long ago) that it depends on the age of the children.

Pengggwn · 29/07/2018 09:33

Dungeondragon15

I wouldn't want to enforce rules. Who does? What I wouldn't tolerate is a situation where I was unable to enforce rules, in a house where I was contributing to bills, responsible for - at any point - supervising the children, trying to make relationships work, going to work, keeping it clean and maintaining it.

As I have now said quite a few times, why would any solvent, reasonably intelligent adult put themselves in such a peripheral position?

Pengggwn · 29/07/2018 09:51

I don't know about other households but I can't see a scenario where I would have to tell my teenagers not to order pizza -they would only do that if they were willing to pay for it which is unlikely.

The specific example could be anything: don't use all the hot water, stack the dishwasher, lock the back door when you come in, stop thumping a ball against the side of the house, that's enough screen time, turn the music down, no, you can't have a lift, don't go into my room, time for homework...

The list is endless. You can't put someone in a position where they live with you as an equal adult and can't instruct your children. It is completely unreasonable, and, for me, any man or woman who was willing to move in on that basis would have to be desperate.

Dungeondragon15 · 29/07/2018 09:51

What I wouldn't tolerate is a situation where I was unable to enforce rules, in a house where I was contributing to bills, responsible for - at any point - supervising the children, trying to make relationships work, going to work, keeping it clean and maintaining it.

What do you mean by "unable to enforce the rules" I am suggesting that if you moved into a house of teenagers it would be best leave the parent to discipline the teenagers as it is much easier for them to do that and it would not lead to a bad atmosphere/teenagers hating you. Trying to control or discipline teenagers as a new step parent would probably not be successful and quite likely to backfire. You don't generally need to supervise teenagers and if bedrooms are messy it is hardly an emergency that you have to act on straight away so why would it be important to enforce rules?

Pengggwn · 29/07/2018 09:53

Dungeondragon15

I think we are just very different people. I am not so desperate for anyone's company that I would put myself in a subordinate position to kids - not a chance! 😂

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