'Taking on my children'

[tinkerbellone]

I’m a single mother to four. I have heard this phrase so many times from people when I’ve been dating, ‘well he’s going to be taking on four children’ like he deserves a medal. One exBF actually said this to my face, almost like I should be thankful to him!
My children are great kids. Not perfect. But funny, independent and bright.

AIBU that if I did ever meet a man who I wanted to marry etc, no one is ‘taking on’ anything and they should be happy to become part of my family? Rather than implying it’s a burden?

Or am I seeing this from the wrong point of view.

The specific example could be anything: don't use all the hot water, stack the dishwasher, lock the back door when you come in, stop thumping a ball against the side of the house, that's enough screen time, turn the music down, no, you can't have a lift, don't go into my room, time for homework...

Most of those are house rules. Obivously if music is too loud, dishwasher needs loading they should be told to do it (by stepparent or anyone). If teenagers are consistently not following rules then the parent needs to intervene. Getting children to do homework is also a parental job. Would you seriously move into a house of teenagers and expect to start enforcing rules on homework!

I think we are just very different people. I am not so desperate for anyone's company that I would put myself in a subordinate position to kids - not a chance!

And I'm not so desperate for anyones company that I would let anyone move in start disciplining my teenagers!

Most of those are house rules. Obivously if music is too loud, dishwasher needs loading they should be told to do it (by stepparent or anyone). If teenagers are consistently not following rules then the parent needs to intervene. Getting children to do homework is also a parental job. Would you seriously move into a house of teenagers and expect to start enforcing rules on homework!

I wouldn't move into a house of teenagers unless I was prepared to do that. Nor would I do it unless I had known them long enough that I loved them, and they loved me.

I wouldn't move into a house of teenagers unless I was prepared to do that.

Good job you don't want to move into a house of teenagers then as it wouldn't work!

Dungeondragon15

Right, so really, it's that you don't want anyone else telling your teen what to do. That's fine, but it's also known as being a single parent. It is unreasonable to expect to benefit from someone's income, time and resources, but to remain top dog. Isn't it?

*Of course there's huge responsibility to raising kids, but it's as if someone who is single must somehow have extra love/commitment/superpowers to "take one" their partner's kids.

I've know plenty of people who LOVE the kids of their partner. They don't take them on as if it's some kind of endurance test, but actually feel lucky & happy to have the additional joy of children as part of their new relationship.*

I became a stepmum to 3, then became mum to 3 as well. I absolutely did have to have extra love / commitment/superpowers when I took on my husband's kids - it's really hard to be a stepmum! Especially when you're in your early 30s, and have never had kids yourself and have no idea what you're doing.

All the stuff that oils the wheels of difficult times with your own kids (the fact that they are yours, the fact that you can make parenting decisions) isn't there when you're encountering difficult stuff with your step kids. *
*
I had to dig really deep and find more patience, more forbearance, more compassion that I could ever have imagined, certainly more than in previous relationships with guys who didn't have kids. It absolutely can feel like an endurance test at times!

It was completely worth it - I really love my stepkids (who are, thankfully, delightful people), I have put a hell of a lot of effort into developing a lovely rewarding relationship with each of them and I do feel lucky to have them.

AND ALSO - any fool can blithely date someone with kids and shrug and say 'Yeah no biggie', but if you have any kind of sense of responsibility or pragmatism or understanding what a powerful impact stepparents can have on children's lives, it's a big commitment to take on.

Perhaps, OP, you might benefit from talking to some step-parents of 3 or 4 kids in real life, to help build some empathy.

Bold quote fail 🙄

My comment begins at the talking about becoming a stepmum to 3

Not sure why dragon is SO SURE of what works and doesn't work, hypothetically.

Right, so really, it's that you don't want anyone else telling your teen what to do.

No, I just don't see how anyone can expect to move into a house with teenagers and start exert authority over them without it backfiring.

That's fine, but it's also known as being a single parent. It is unreasonable to expect to benefit from someone's income, time and resources, but to remain top dog. Isn't it?

I don't see it as a question of being "top dog". I see it as leaving parents to discipline their own children (unless they were being directly rude to the step parent of course) and get them to do homework/sleep etc. I wouldn't expect someone to pay for my children whether or not I married them. That is their dads job and mine.

Dungeondragon15

Like I say, I think we just have very different opinions on this. I wouldn't be anyone's lodger, nor would I expect anyone to be mine. Nobody would be moving into my home with my children who I (and they) didn't trust to act as a father figure to them, or someone who didn't want to contribute to supporting them. I don't need the hassle and, I imagine, nor do they.

Like I say, I think we just have very different opinions on this. I wouldn't be anyone's lodger, nor would I expect anyone to be mine. Nobody would be moving into my home with my children who I (and they) didn't trust to act as a father figure to them, or someone who didn't want to contribute to supporting them. I don't need the hassle and, I imagine, nor do they.

I wouldn't see them as a lodger. I would see them as my partner which would hopefully continue long after the children had left home (which wouldn't be long if they were teenagers). I just wouldn't see that being married to me meant that they were the teenagers parent and responsible for homework/sleep etc

Dungeondragon15

But by extension, they would be in a less powerful position than you in their own home, and that would be unacceptable to me. But each to their own!

But by extension, they would be in a less powerful position than you in their own home, and that would be unacceptable to me. But each to their own!

I don't see it as anything to do with "power". I just don't see that it would be a new step parents responsibility to get a teenager to do homework, sleep etc That's the parents job.

Dungeondragon15

Of course it is to do with power. You spoke about 'house rules' - yours, I assume? You are referring to homework; I was referring to a whole spectrum of issues, outside of rudeness, that I would expect to be able to address as a step-parent, and you obviously expect to be brought to you as if there is some sort of kids' fight between your partner and your children. You want to retain the final say in everything to do with the children, and obviously any partner would have to fit in with your standards for their conduct. That is about power.

To be fair I think at first if you are moving into someone's home with their DC's then you need to respect their parenting style, especially if the children are teenagers.

However, once the relationship between you and DSCs has developed (which it may never do with teens tbh) the you can take more of a frontline parental role.

It isn't the same at all but when me, DW and DSD moved in together I didn't just start throwing my weight around like a father I developed into that role over time. It wasn't easy and there were some arguments between DW and me and DSD and me that simply wouldn't have happened if she was my biological child, but 15 years later I think she's turned out alright.

My boyfriend has children. I have zero desire to parent them, live with them, and especially not to disrupt their lives by giving them a stepparent they didn't ask for or want. Blended families hardly ever work for the poor children, and one of the reasons I love my boyfriend is that he wouldn't put his children through that.

I think it all depends on the nuances here.

New relationships with children from previous relationships work best when the biological parent recognises and greatly appreciates the effort made by the step parent, but at the same time refuses to accept anything less than that (for the sake of the children).

At the same time, the step parent needs to recognise the trust and faith placed in him/her by the biological parent and child(ren), and appreciate this for the privilege this is, while at the same time expecting consideration for the impact this will have on their life and some understanding that they won't always get it right.

It's all about respect for each other's contribution. A recognition that blending families takes compromise, emotional intelligence and a huge amount of effort from all involved. It's little different from the SAHM/WOHF relationship. When mum wants to stay at home and feels valued, and dad wants to go to work and is hugely appreciative that his ability to do that has been enabled by mum providing full childcare and nurture, it works great. When dad feels mum is 'living off him' or mum feels trapped into staying at home, it's a disaster.

The trouble with the phrase 'taking on' is that it implies it's the person doing the taking on that is making all the effort. It denies the compromises made by the biological parent to accommodate a new relationship and immediately creates an imbalance. Not a great start to any relationship!

Of course it is to do with power. You spoke about 'house rules' - yours, I assume? You are referring to homework;

Well yes, if you are moving into a house with teenagers and the rules relate to the teenagers it wouldn't be at all appropriate to move in and start throwing your weight around making new rules. How do you ever think a good relationship could develop if you do that? As the poster above says, with younger children you may develop a relationship and agree on new rules over time but with teens they would have left home before that happens.

Dungeondragon15

Who said 'throwing my weight around'? If I decide to move in with a partner who has children, I expect an equal say in the house rules because I am adult, not one of the children, and, being an adult, why should I be dictated to by someone else's rules? The rules would need to be agreed between me and my partner, and the teenagers would need to follow them. Any other arrangement just wouldn't work for me.

'The rules relate to the teenagers' - well, actually, no. 'House rules', as you call them, relate to everybody, don't they? A teenager who wants to play loud music affects the whole house.

But outside of 'house rules', a teenager who wants to do no homework or stay up until all hours affects the whole house, too. They get mood swings and they don't succeed at school, and before you know it, there is conflict that didn't need to be there. I wouldn't live in a house where I had no say with regards to those issues. I am either a partner and a step-parent, or I am a girlfriend with my own house (and my own rules).

The rules would need to be agreed between me and my partner, and the teenagers would need to follow them. Any other arrangement just wouldn't work for me.

An arrangement where you moved into a house with teenagers, made new rules and expected the teenagers to follow them wouldn't work either. Fine if you realise that and don't ever attempt it though. If you meet someone with teenage children wait until they leave home before you marry/live together otherwise it will be a disaster!

Dungeondragon15

No, it would be fine, because I wouldn't do it before I had a relationship with the teenagers that entailed mutual respect, and before they understood that I would be parenting them. Full stop.

No, it would be fine, because I wouldn't do it before I had a relationship with the teenagers that entailed mutual respect, and before they understood that I would be parenting them. Full stop

So before moving in, you would ensure that you could control the teenagers, change house rules including those relating to homework and bedtimes and still live in a harmonious atmosphere. Good luck with that fantasy..

Dungeondragon15

'Control'? No. I would not be 'controlling' them any more than their biological parent would, by having boundaries and standards - shared by my partner - that I expected them to respect. That is just parenting. And I wouldn't move in unless I was going to be in that role, because, like I said, I am my ao desperate that I would live in a house and family to which I was expected to contribute financially, but was treated like the babysitter. Fuck that.

*not so desperate

Control'? No. I would not be 'controlling' them any more than their biological parent would, by having boundaries and standards - shared by my partner - that I expected them to respect. That is just parenting.

You are not the parent though and it is unrealistic to expect to have a good relationship with teenagers as a stepparent if you move in and demand that things in their household change overnight and they start following your rules. Some things such as homework really aren't any of your business and to insist that you have control over it just because you have married their parent really is quite controlling.