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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'Taking on my children'

370 replies

tinkerbellone · 28/07/2018 07:06

I’m a single mother to four. I have heard this phrase so many times from people when I’ve been dating, ‘well he’s going to be taking on four children’ like he deserves a medal. One exBF actually said this to my face, almost like I should be thankful to him!
My children are great kids. Not perfect. But funny, independent and bright.

AIBU that if I did ever meet a man who I wanted to marry etc, no one is ‘taking on’ anything and they should be happy to become part of my family? Rather than implying it’s a burden?

Or am I seeing this from the wrong point of view.

OP posts:
ShotsFired · 28/07/2018 16:37

I think you are being blinded by the fact you seem to love children OP. - Yes, @Namechangenumber57.

When people see things like this, "My children are great kids. Not perfect. But funny, independent and bright."

It can come across as quite biased and defensive and could easily be read as (for example):
"not perfect" - little horrors
"funny" - never ending jokes and tedious pranks
"independent" - little madams and misters
"bright" - know it all.

niketrainersarecomfy · 28/07/2018 16:54

Clearly Dungeon, having made the point of being married to her childrens' father, through lack of insight and also due to being incredibly shocked and disgusted at the fact teenagers csn be gobby, given the perfectness of her own, is the expert in all things parenting and of course strp parents should actually do nothing at all, so there's no debate Biscuit Hmm Confused

Original poster
tinkerbellone · 28/07/2018 17:23

@namechangenumber57
When I described my children I was trying to show there are no challenging behaviours. I have seen, worked with, taught very difficult children - some of who have parents who appear unaware or are not bothered or still see their children as little angels.
I know my children can be horrors, like all kids have their moments. I would like to think I have a realistic view of my children.
I do know it’s bloody hard work parenting one or four. And step parenting. I’ve never said it isn’t.
I object to the phrase ‘taking on’ and what that implies.

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 28/07/2018 17:25

I object to the phrase ‘taking on’ and what that implies.

What does it imply that isn't true, though?

Original poster
tinkerbellone · 28/07/2018 17:32

I feel it is old fashioned outdated and implies I should be thankful or grateful.

In other context such as climbing a mountain- it implies challenge - and is positive.

It is clear from the responses on this thread that posters have mixed ideas about its implications. :)

OP posts:
Dungeondragon15 · 28/07/2018 17:40

Clearly Dungeon, having made the point of being married to her childrens' father, through lack of insight and also due to being incredibly shocked and disgusted at the fact teenagers csn be gobby, given the perfectness of her own, is the expert in all things parenting and of course strp parents should actually do nothing at all, so there's no debate

I only said that I was married to my children's father to make the point that I have no bias towards step parent.Hmm I am not "shocked and digusted at the idea that teenagers can be "gobby" but you didn't say that. You said what if a teenager "gobs at your partner" which to me means spits at him which would be disgusting..

ohreallyohreallyoh · 28/07/2018 17:41

but you get absolutely no thanks from the kids or acknowledgement from mum.If you’re really unlucky to get to ‘take on’ the rath of the EW as well. Who expects you to care for her kids but not dare over step any boundaries

Why would a woman who had no choice whatsoever in your being around her children have to acknowledge you? And few ex wives, in my experience at least, expect the new partner to care for her children. The expectation is the children’s father does that. If he is not doing that, who is your argument with? Your partner or the ex?

Coyoacan · 28/07/2018 17:41

She made dinner one night, asked her 10 year old SD to please come to the table as her DP was changing the baby. SD told her to fuck off. She told her to apologise or go to her room. SD told her to fuck off again and friend’s DP told my friend not to tell his child what to do

You see I never even asked anyone to look after my child for two hours if I didn't trust them. The idea of being a step-parent without any authority is appalling.

OP. One of my dearest friends found the most wonderful husband when she was a single parent with four children. They have now been together for nearly 20 years and have had two more children together.

swingofthings · 28/07/2018 17:49

Imagine you meet a guy you really like. Then you find out that he cares for his parents and aunt. He tells you that they come with him and that you would all share a house but not to worry because they are really cool and no trouble, well you know, no more than parents can be at times when they get older but he is sure you'll get to love them as you'd love your own parents.

Would you feel grateful that he has that extra family that comes with him and confident that it would be great fun and that this wouldn't mean you were 'taking on' his family that is if you didn't run away before you even got to know his family?

For many people, the prospect of sharing their lives with 4 kids is as harrowing.

marsbarsandtwix · 28/07/2018 17:55

to reply to swing
Are the parents leaving home in a few years? might they be cared for most the time or some of the time by his sister? Can he assure me the actual practical and physical tasks of caring for them are wholly his responsibility not mine? Are they quite sweet most of the time?
If so, and I really liked the guy, then that may be okay tbh.

Pengggwn · 28/07/2018 18:04

tinkerbellone

I honestly don't agree that 'taking on' implies you need to be grateful. It's just a statement of what the other person is doing. And, separately to that, it is a big undertaking, isn't it, setting up home with a woman with four children? Do you see that?

HerondaleDucks · 28/07/2018 18:17

Wow some interesting points on what step parents are supposed to do there.
Some children live with their step parent and rp full time without any other parent involved or financially responsible. Are you seriously saying a step parent would have no role at all in their lives and not parent said children.
Clearly doing something wrong in our house? My dp and I fully share the role and I parent as much as he does. I think I'd feel like a lodger paying for everything if I did it your way Dragon!
4 children is a lot of personalities to adjust to and that's a big deal and so scary... How on earth would you get it right?!
There is such a thing as a step parent that takes on the responsibility without being a martyr and thinking parent should be grateful. I frequently get beaten up by my dss but that's just part of life living with my partner and his two children. I love them all.
Such conflicting views here!

Xenia · 28/07/2018 18:20

I have 5 and it is burden lovely though they are. It is why a lot of people without children quite rightly choose to date people without children. Makes things a lot simpler and there are lots of people out there without them so not too hard to avoid those with children.

Dungeondragon15 · 28/07/2018 18:22

Are you seriously saying a step parent would have no role at all in their lives and not parent said children.

I don't think they would need to "parent" a teenager no.

Pengggwn · 28/07/2018 18:26

I don't think they would need to "parent" a teenager no

Does that mean you don't think they would have adult authority over them? Do you not think that makes it more burdensome, not less? I would not dream of moving into a family home where my partner had authority over the teenagers living with us and they could tell me to jog on. Nah.

Dungeondragon15 · 28/07/2018 18:34

Does that mean you don't think they would have adult authority over them?

What do you mean by "adult authority". Obviously if my children were really rude to them or they were doing something dangerous or causing damage, they would tell them off but that would apply to anyone. e.g. if they were rude to my parents or friends it would be fine to tell them off. I wouldn't expect a step parent to decide what time they could stay out to, go to bed or hassle them to do homework/revision for example though. I think that is the parents job.

Namechangenumber57 · 28/07/2018 18:38

@tinkerbelleone I was actually referring to the fact that you seem to love/enjoy being around children in general, as you mentioned working with kids in several capacities. Lots of people don’t enjoy kids so if you’re generally happy to be around kids (let alone your own kids), you may not see that other people aren’t. That’s all

niketrainersarecomfy · 28/07/2018 18:40

I think if a person marries someone with kids they take on that role automatically which is why its important. A random boyfriend of a few months is totally different. Or you get my friends situation where the two existing kids aren't disciplined at all by her husband, despite being aged 2 and 3 when they married, and their joint child being properly parented. Theyve been together 12yrs and he still wont get involved. Wrong imo

funinthesun18 · 28/07/2018 18:41

Dungeon If the parent is at work or something and the teenager is with their stepparent, I think it would be fair for the parent to hand their authority over to the stepparent when it comes to making sure homework is done or they go to bed at a certain time. Even teenagers have rules to follow and the adult in charge should be able to enforce them. Teachers are allowed to so why can’t a stepparent?
Honestly if a stepparent was to say “homework isn’t my problem” they would be told they are out of order.

Pengggwn · 28/07/2018 18:47

Dungeondragon15

I mean being in charge in the house, not just when they are doing something dangerous but, for example, if they were making too much noise or making a mess.

It doesn't really matter one way or the other whether either of us is 'right' or 'wrong', of course; I just wouldn't be moving in unless I was going to be recognised as the adult and treated as such by teenagers. I couldn't live like that.

funinthesun18 · 28/07/2018 18:50

I have to admit I struggle disciplining my dsc and always have done even if I’m the adult in charge. I once caught my 12 year old dsc hitting my 7 year old dc and I had to ring my partner to sort it out (dsc has a phone so he rang her) I was fuming but i’m always worried about any discipline being interpreted by mum as bullying if it was ever to get back to her, so I’m always a bit soft. Whereas my own kids always get told off if they are in the wrong.

That’s is the bit I really dislike about stepparenting. It feels like my dsc can push the boundaries and get away with stuff whereas mine can’t and I really think this a problem of my own doing.

Dungeondragon15 · 28/07/2018 19:02

Dungeon If the parent is at work or something and the teenager is with their stepparent, I think it would be fair for the parent to hand their authority over to the stepparent when it comes to making sure homework is done or they go to bed at a certain time.

If the parent asked them to make sure that the children did their homework or went to bed then fair enough but they are really doing what a babysitter would do in that circumstance aren't they? They are not making the decision themselves on whether homework needed to be done or children needed to go to bed.

Dungeondragon15 · 28/07/2018 19:04

I mean being in charge in the house, not just when they are doing something dangerous but, for example, if they were making too much noise or making a mess.

Yes, if they were making too much noise it would be fair enough to tell them to turn it down but that would apply even if the "child" was 30 wouldn't it?

Pengggwn · 28/07/2018 19:06

Dungeondragon15

I'm guessing you aren't a fan of step-parents? Surely you wouldn't expect the OP to have much success looking for a partner who was happy to be treated as a babysitter to her four children in his own home?

Dungeondragon15 · 28/07/2018 19:11

I'm guessing you aren't a fan of step-parents? Surely you wouldn't expect the OP to have much success looking for a partner who was happy to be treated as a babysitter to her four children in his own home?

I don't have a strong opinion on step parents one way or the other. I just think it would be a mistake to move into a house with teenagers and start to try to exert authority. I wouldn't expect anyone (whether or not they were a step parent) to put up with rudeness to them personally but generally I think if you move in with teenagers it's best to leave discipline to the parents.

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