Page 5 | To Not Make An Effort on DP and DSC holiday return

OrdinarySnowflake · 28/07/2018 09:47

Who's house and who's car?

Book to go to your mum's. Leave a note for when he gets back.

(If it's your car, tell him he can't borrow it and needs to hire a car, if it's his, you have to accept you have no claim on it.)

You might want to think about living separately from him, you aren't a partnership.

TweetleBeetlesBattle · 28/07/2018 09:50

I am raging reading this. Please go on holiday to be away when he is back, leave the fridge bare and hide the washing powder. You matter too, as an equal in a relationship and you shouldn't expect to be treated as less.

eddielizzard · 28/07/2018 09:56

Don't play the martyr / unpaid skivvy. Def be away. Go see your mum. And then think about whether this is what you need in a relationship.

usernameismyusername · 28/07/2018 10:04

He's treating you like shit. I'd leave this relationship and never look back. In fact I'd move out while he was away and let him come home to the surprise.

viques · 28/07/2018 10:05

I think I would find a passive aggressive, but more passive than aggressive iyswim compromise.

Strip the beds and wash the linen ,leave fresh bedding on the beds ready for them to make up. Leave a couple of pizzas and bought salad in the fridge. Then leave a note saying hope you had a nice time, pizza in fridge, sorry didn't have time to make up beds, see you all Sunday night.

Then bugger off to a nice hotel at a nice seaside ,a country mansion retreat, or B and B for the weekend.

HollowTalk · 28/07/2018 10:06

@usernameismyusername That's exactly what I'd do. He's shown his true colours - he doesn't consider the OP to be part of his family. I'd get out while I could.

Cheerbear23 · 28/07/2018 10:10

What’s good for the goose is good for the gander. Get the holiday booked to your mums, or anywhere. Leave before he gets back and come back after the SC go back. Just give him the barest details when you tell him.
You shouldn’t have asked who’s doing the washing, that allowed him to give a shitty selfish answer to you.
From this day forwards think of it if being completely irrelevant to you, it’s not your job to food shop for them, prepare bedding etc, washing, it’s not your issue, you aren’t consulted on these things, therefore it’s none of your concern- you don’t need to trouble yourself with these details as YOU won’t be doing it.

Willow2017 · 28/07/2018 10:13

Op what do you actially get from tjis 'relationship' as i cant see anything

You are not his housekeeper sod that. He and His kids are big enough to do thier own washing and make thier own beds fs! You are not hanging around just waiting to serve them.
I would be ending this as he has no respect for you at all and is treating you like the hired help.

Go to yoyr mums, dont bother telking him anything apart from pack up your shit and be gone by the time i get back.

You deserve better. Dont put up with being excluded from everything uess it suits him any longer. You are just there to make his life easier he doesnt care enough about you to discuss anything important nor include you in his life outside the house.

runningscare · 28/07/2018 10:14

Book a flight to your mothers and have a break ... don't get food in .. don't do the washing, bed making and all the rubbish chores.

He has showed no respect towards you ... sod that!

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 28/07/2018 10:15

In your other thread you mention that one of your sons doesn't get along with him and you have the chance to move into another rented house with your own child who you haven't lived with in a while.

Children are very perceptive, maybe he can see what you currently can't. Unless the DP was the other man instrumental in the split when children naturally take sides.

Cuttingthegrass · 28/07/2018 10:16

I agree with other people. Sounds like your are more a domestic in this living arrangement rather than it's a relationship.

These replies may be hard to read. Definitely visit your mum for some time to think about what is important for you, your self esteem and confidence.

IggyAce · 28/07/2018 10:28

Definitely book and visit your mum. Leave the day or day before they get back, I would strip beds and leave them in the washer still wet, fridge would be empty.

HolyMountain · 28/07/2018 10:34

From what you've written there seems little love or respect for you from him:

I’m not invited. It has never been discussed he just booked it.
The expectation is that I will have food shopped, made beds etc for their return.
I’ll be left stranded & relying on trains as he is taking the car.
I feel really let down. This evening I asked him what their schedule was ( it’s an adventure type holiday) and he’s just stormed off to the spare room.
We feel so separate it everything we do - he meets his family/friends separately to us I’m just feeling miserable and left out.

What does he do to make you feel loved and respected.

incywincybitofa · 28/07/2018 10:59

If you have only been living together for 8 months I kind of see why there isn't necessarily the expectation that you will join them, likewise if an adventure holiday isn't something you would get on with I can see the assumption that you wouldn't join them But what I don't understand is;
Why did you ask him if you would be expected to do the washing when he got back-surely you realise there is no question to be asked, they need to do all of the return from holiday stuff.
You are with a man who ignores you except when he wants something, a split in rent, sex, cleaning, he doesn't share his plans with you or even explain them.
If you are not going to live with your son, because you are keen to live with a man who treats you like this then I think that is genuinely very sad and you need to consider where your loyalty lies and why.

Live alone or choose your son, but don't let your sons watch you choose to be treated like this by your current partner.
You actually do have an option of somewhere to go. It doesn't have to be long term, but it is a place to go.

ItsNachoCheese · 28/07/2018 11:07

Leave to see your mum the day they get back

fontofnoknowledge · 28/07/2018 12:21

upsideup
Poor kids. Are you seriously that jealous and controlling that you wouldnt allow him on holiday with his own children? Me and DH take each of our kids away seperately every year, I can't imagine forcing them to share all their time with either of us with someone else who they didnt ask to be in their lives, they deserve to get their parents undivided attention sometimes.

Good for you ! We however are a family, who have ONE family holiday a year. It's paid for by him and me. We aren't an us and them family. The family holiday is saved for and looked forward to by everyone each year, with the decision about where to go made a a family meeting in January. They are all nearly adults except 1, and yet still choose to come. So no one is 'forced to spend all their time with us'.

Like fuck he would be doing that on his own. There is plenty of opportunity for each of the children to have 'alone time' with there respective biological parent. The family holiday is not it.

Isawthelight · 28/07/2018 12:37

Poor kids. Are you seriously that jealous and controlling that you wouldnt allow him on holiday with his own children? Me and DH take each of our kids away seperately every year, I can't imagine forcing them to share all their time with either of us with someone else who they didnt ask to be in their lives, they deserve to get their parents undivided attention sometimes

Sounds unhealthy to me. Why can't you all spend holidays together?

rookiemere · 28/07/2018 13:32

Even if he had discussed it with you I don't see why you'd be making their beds or doing their washing at the end of the trip. Plenty old enough to do it themselves or if not then it's their DF who should do it - not you.
I'd definitely be off to your mums. Nothing wrong in itself with taking his DCs without you but he should have talked about it with you.

Snowysky20009 · 28/07/2018 13:44

Sorry but I find it weird. I've been with dp since last year and have two teen ds's. As an example when it was ds1's 18th party at his dad's home, both dp and ds2's dad (who was in ds1 life from 2-16) were invited. When I go out with dp he will often invite ds1 along so we have a nite out together. My dc's know dp is a big part of my life, and if I suggest going for a meal for example they will ask is dp coming, if I say no because of work commitments they'll ask to do it on another night when he is available. Maybe it's because they've been brought up with step parents and step siblings in the family, that it's no big deal to them.

Clutterbugsmum · 28/07/2018 13:48

Poor kids. Are you seriously that jealous and controlling that you wouldnt allow him on holiday with his own children? Me and DH take each of our kids away seperately every year, I can't imagine forcing them to share all their time with either of us with someone else who they didnt ask to be in their lives, they deserve to get their parents undivided attention sometimes

Bully for you but as you are unable to read the complete post AT NO TIME HAS OP said she unhappy with them going away on holiday. It's the expectation that she will play good little wifey and sit at home and spend her time cleaning up after them and the cooking, cleaning when they get back.

Hell no, op go to your mums and why you are there spend some time thinking about your future.

ferntwist · 28/07/2018 13:51

Echoing other posters, definitely grab the chance to see your mum and think about things from a distance. Hope she lives somewhere nice & hot!

Original poster

IceColdCiderPlease · 28/07/2018 13:53

Thanks for all the replies. I feel asleep on the sofa last night & I am out all day today so will answer questions later but quickly:

We rent a property jointly
The car is his but only because I sold mine a few months ago as we were waiting for funds come through and we were pretty desperate at the time.
I do feel left out of the holiday- I’m good enough to be a maid (to them all) but not good enough to holiday with.
I was married for 25 years previously and TBH we would only ever have considered holidaying as a family (apart from city breaks when the kids were older).
This holiday has been the straw etc - I said to him this morning that we never do anything as a couple- he meets his sister alone for lunch & dinner & his Dad etc. I’m not saying that he can’t but every now and then an invite would be nice . We’ve been together quite a while. I sometimes think he’s ashamed of me .
I’m 99% sure I’ll either go to my Mums or a Greek Island is very enticing right now.

OP posts:

HeebieJeebies456 · 28/07/2018 14:29

The expectation is that I will have food shopped, made beds etc for their return......AIBU to just leave it & let them order take away ?I’ve been a doormat before and feel like the little lady waiting at home for their return

You've answered your own question.

It seems your 'partner' is determined to carry on the dynamic of a single/live apart person.....whilst using you as a maid and a sex-on-tap person.
He has hardly any respect for you and doesn't even try to hide that fact.

He's choosing to behave like this - and you're still only at the beginning of your life 'together'.
My feeling is he's using you to satisfy his own selfish wants - and to take on the drudgery and monotous duties of his parenting responsibilities.

i'd stop doing anything for his kids and that includes the shopping and preparation for their visits.
He can't have it both ways - expect you to behave like a partner yet treat you like a casual girlfriend.

i'd dump him to be honest, how exactly does he enhance your life?

Catscakeandchocolate · 28/07/2018 14:32

Can he afford the rent without you?

HouseworkIsASin10 · 28/07/2018 15:49

Sounds like he's getting the better deal out of this relationship.

I assume you contribute to the rent and bills so he is able to afford to take his kids on holiday?

I would want more from a relationship than this, it's basically a house share where you're treated like the help.