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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Not Make An Effort on DP and DSC holiday return

683 replies

IceColdCiderPlease · 27/07/2018 22:18

My partner of 3 years is taking his 2 children on holiday next week for 2 weeks.
The children stay with us EOW and during the holidays.
I’m not invited. It has never been discussed he just booked it.
They all arrive back on a Thursday evening and the DCs (15 & 17) will be here until the Monday.
The expectation is that I will have food shopped, made beds etc for their return.
AIBU to just leave it & let them order take away ?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
9
SandyY2K · 28/07/2018 00:24

My mum lives abroad so seriously tempted to book a flight to hers

Great idea

The going itself isn't or shouldn't be a problem. They probably want some dad and kids time on their holiday. He's obviously told you about it...or did he tell you last minute?

You arent expecting him to seek permission surely?

I've taken my DC away without DH and we live in the same house.

DC do want time with their parent without the Step parent sometimes and it shouldn't be begrudged.

OctaviaOctober · 28/07/2018 00:29

We'll see?! Like it's his decision whether you do their washing when they come back from their trip?

I'd make a plan to get on with conscious uncoupling while they're away because he does not see you as a partner.

mediumbrownmug · 28/07/2018 00:30

You had to ask him if you would be doing the laundry, etc. on their return? Do you need his "permission" not to? Maybe the actual situation was a bit unclear from your post, OP, but what I've read so far makes me a bit uncomfortable. I'm really sorry to hear that you've been shut down from even asking about the trip. Stuff like this really shouldn't happen in a healthy relationship. Flowers

PinkGinFreak · 28/07/2018 00:39

Who is 'us' op?
Is there more than just yourself to consider in the house?
Sounds like a sad situation.
Take stock and make your own plans, he's not treating you the way he should, sounds like there's a gulf developed between you, sorry Flowers

LoveInTokyo · 28/07/2018 00:47

Is there any reason why an adult man, a 17 year old and a 15 year old would not be capable of making up beds and sorting out some food once they get back from a holiday?

No need to act like a doormat, OP.

You might want to spend the time they're away having a think about whether you're getting what you want out of this relationship.

LMDC · 28/07/2018 00:58

Why are you with him?

GreenTulips · 28/07/2018 01:02

Seriously I would make myself scarce, if he's just booked it without discussion, that would reallynpiss me off!
As partners you should discuss holiday plans especially as time is limited due to work commitments, and assuming youvjavent been away this year

Go to your mums and while there book a girls holiday in the sun.

Leave him to sort out the washing and cooling

1forAll74 · 28/07/2018 01:35

Yes, just go to your Mum's place abroad while they are all away,, and later you can talk about the situation that has come about.. best to inform your partner about your maybe plans though, as always best to know where people are, in case of accidents or whatever.

ohfourfoxache · 28/07/2018 01:49

Go to your mums.

And take the washing machine drawer with you

Seriously though, why are you with this tosser?

AngeloMysterioso · 28/07/2018 01:57

Wait- so does this arsehole live in your house??

Sevendown · 28/07/2018 02:00

Do you have dcs?

Rebecca36 · 28/07/2018 02:09

If they are teenagers they are quite old enough to use the washing machine themselves, you should not have to do their laundry.

Good idea for you to take yourself off to your mum for a week.

EnthusiasmWellAndTrulyCurbed · 28/07/2018 02:28

Any decent stepparent would recognise the benefits to a holiday like this. More parents should do it.
The not discussing it is shit and not at all acceptable behaviour. It should have been framed as a chance for you BOTH to have a break. You off to your mums or wherever/whatever you want to do and him off to spend some undivided attention on his children.
The better question is WHY are you being a doormat? You're the one allowing him to treat you this way. Why? Sounds like your plan is to just put up a token protest when they come back and that's it. Nothing will change, you realise?

Uncreative · 28/07/2018 02:48

It sounds like there are more problems than just him going on holiday without you.

Use the time to consider if you still want him in your life. Are you willing to accept him doing things like this? For how long? How much is too much?

If you decide the relationship is over, it might be a good idea to use his holiday as time for you to leave. Take your share of furniture, money etc, and remember to eat everything in the fridge and freezer so there isn’t enough for a meal when he gets back.

steppemum · 28/07/2018 08:55

go to your mums.

when you get back do NOT do his washing or theirs if they have left it at your house.

Stop doing their beds, cooking etc.

If he will not consider you as a family, then stop being their housekeeper.

For what its worth, I don;t see a problem with dad taking kids on 2 weeks adventure without stepmum, what I do see as a problem is lack of consultation, discussion, joint planning, genuinely saying - will you be ok without the car etc etc. Also, the expectation that you will pick up the pieces when they come home.

He is treating you like a doormat, but you don't have to take it.

steppemum · 28/07/2018 08:56

oh, and I would be heading for mums on the day they come back, so you have 2 weeks at home doing whatever you want, and then a week /long weekend with your mum when they are back in the house

steppemum · 28/07/2018 08:57

and if he complains, look baffled and say - but you just book and go on holidays without telling me, so I assumed you would be happy with me doing the same!

Quartz2208 · 28/07/2018 08:58

Yes go to your mums and be there when they get back

I dont think its necessarily the holiday that is out of order but the expectation that he can do it and you will do all the grunt work once home - is that what your relationship is always like

longwayoff · 28/07/2018 09:06

Whats wrong with you that you ask have to ask MN? It seems you have slipped into the role of domestic assistant without noticing. Go to see your mother and stay for as long as you need to properly assess your situation. You arent getting enough return on your investment.

whiteroseredrose · 28/07/2018 09:22

Please do be away when they get back. I have no issue with him going away with his DC for quality time but after discussion with you. You're a team, or you should be. His lack of communication is alarming. Why would a normal person stomp off when asked their schedule?

He doesn't respect you OP. Go to your mum's and have a good think.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/07/2018 09:25

I agree with aintnothingbutaheartache's post. It smacks to me as if you're there to provide and prop up rather than be an actual partner. I wouldn't have it - you have some responsibility placed on you EOW as if you're a partner/step-parent - and then you're effectively dismissed during what would be a nice time. You're not being treated like a partner, really you're not.

I would go and visit my mum, don't be there when they get back.

Do you share a home, ie. do you jointly own/rent it? If it is his house, I'd think about leaving it - and if it's yours, I'd make plans for him to leave it. This would be a wake-up call for me that I couldn't and wouldn't ignore.

MilkybarGrownup · 28/07/2018 09:33

@IceColdCiderPlease I'm sorry if I missed any replies to these earlier questions but is the house yours, his or jointly owned/rented? And who's is the car? All his? I'd be pissed about being left without use of his car but would have to accept that as it is his and he's taking it with him, I'd have no claim on using it. Any decent partner would have discussed all this with you though. A small conversation about how you were going to get around with your transport gone etc. Maybe a "Do you need anything before I'm gone?" type of thing.
You're not in a new relationship. It's been three years. You're a couple by now. Your lives should be together. Socialising together. Seeing family together. Making decisions together.
I don't think I would be able to deal with such disrespect and separated lives.

strawberrisc · 28/07/2018 09:35

Fuck that. Three years? Are you a family or aren’t you?

Seriously shitty thing to do. If he’s still creating an “us and them” situation after all this time things wil never get better.

LagunaBubbles · 28/07/2018 09:38

Whats wrong with a dad taking his kids on holiday without their step mum?

Well nothing... as long as there had been communication surrounding this, this didnt happen.

Splandy · 28/07/2018 09:40

God, this is weird. I would be quite annoyed if I found out that my son’s dad was taking my son on holiday with no discussion with his partner and then letting him treat her as the maid when they got back! What an awful example to be setting.

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