To Not Make An Effort on DP and DSC holiday return

[IceColdCiderPlease]

My partner of 3 years is taking his 2 children on holiday next week for 2 weeks.
The children stay with us EOW and during the holidays.
I’m not invited. It has never been discussed he just booked it.
They all arrive back on a Thursday evening and the DCs (15 & 17) will be here until the Monday.
The expectation is that I will have food shopped, made beds etc for their return.
AIBU to just leave it & let them order take away ?

[fontofnoknowledge]

Clairetree1 Why would you expect to be invited on holiday with him and his children? That sounds odd to me. Did you expect him to pay for you?

Wtf ?? OP is the mans partner of three years !! The question is why the hell wasnt she just there ? She is his partner. Would you go on holiday without your partner as a matter of course.

My DH has 5 kids. If he thought for one minute he was going on holiday with them and not me, he would find a divorce petition on his pillow in the morning. In fifteen years we have taken them every year together because we are a family! I'm not the bloody housekeeper.
We both contribute.
Luckily this has never arisen because he's not a grade A arsehole.

Definitely go see your mum OP. Let him sort his own washing/beds/food out. I would seriously be looking for a new home or asking him to go elsewhere. Appalling behaviour.

[givemesteel]

I'm sorry OP but your partner doesn't seem to have much respect for you, there doesn't seem to be a partnership here.

• booking a holiday without discussion (what about your annual leave plans, what about joint finances that pay for holidays etc?)
  

• leaving you without a (presumably jointly owned) car, again no discussion
  

• the only discussion seeming to be about chores, washing, bed making, food shop etc.
  

• not staying itinerary with you
  

It sounds like you need to use the time to quietly reflect what you're getting out if this relationship, if anything.

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

I think it’s okay to go away sometimes with your kids and sometimes with your partner in a step set up. However you don’t favour the one above the other and you should be able to discuss it!

Is it always you on the sidelines? That’s not good.

[LizB62A]

Book a flight to see your mum, flying out the day before they're due back, flying back after you DSC have gone back to his ex

Your "D"P is a selfish thoughtless prick

[LilMadAgain]

mrselijah has sound advice op. Where are YOUR priorities? You're not his so who thinks about what you want/need?

[didyouseetheflaresinthesky]

Oh he's taking the car is he? Is he absolutely sure about that? Not if its not fucking there, he isn't. Pack a bag, hide it, wait til he's asleep and then turn off your phone and go to your mum's, taking the car with you. I'd pay to keep it at the airport for a week rather than let him take it. Or park it at a friends. Let the cunt take a bus to the airport. See how relaxed he feels after wrestling 3 suitcases on public transport. Oh he missed his flight? What a crying shame. Still, not your problem, seeing as how you weren't invited.

[AmICrazyorWhat2]

Yep, I'd be looking for flights to visit Mum right now. As PPs have said, you need some time out to consider your options and whether it's worth staying with someone who treats you like this. The "not socialising" together part is a big red flag, IMO, not to mention the lack of discussion about this holiday. You're not being treated like an equal partner, more of a housekeeper.

Make sure you get back several days after they do, so he can deal with the children all weekend.

[Alcina]

Obviously it's fair enough for your partner to have a holiday with his children, but I agree with pp that it's not at all fair that he didn't even discuss it with you.

And you say he often arranges to do things that don't include you, so you feel left out. Have you talked to him about that?

Also, you say he meets his family/friends separately to us. Who is 'us'? Do you have a child/children from a previous relationship who live with you and your DP? If so, can you go away somewhere with them?

[upsideup]

My DH has 5 kids. If he thought for one minute he was going on holiday with them and not me, he would find a divorce petition on his pillow in the morning.

Poor kids. Are you seriously that jealous and controlling that you wouldnt allow him on holiday with his own children? Me and DH take each of our kids away seperately every year, I can't imagine forcing them to share all their time with either of us with someone else who they didnt ask to be in their lives, they deserve to get their parents undivided attention sometimes.

[mumsastudent]

I wouldn't take the car I would just make sure it didn't work which means it has to be left behind & you of course had nothing to do with it but you would get it fixed "dear" eyelashes batter regretfully. & of course after its fixed you would have the car. Oh & smile & say that it is nice hes with his dc great idea to catch up on families so you thought you will use the time to visit mum - maybe send him a text when he gone to tell him

[MrStarkIDontFeelSoGood]

Your relationship clearly has way more problems than this.

Say no more about their holiday. Make some plans. Wait until they have left.

Leave him. Let him return home to no cook and cleaner, and stripped bare of anything that was already yours or paid for with your money.

Leave a note on the fridge saying

Hope you enjoyed your holiday. Goodbye.

[pallisers]

I did ask if was expected to do all the washing etc when they got back and was told ‘ let’s see’.

Why would you even ask this? There is no way you should have anything to do with their washing. His response should have been "are you joking, of course not"

Go to your mother. Don't tell him - just text and say "away for a few days". Reassess this relationship. I suspect you are being treated quite badly a lot of the time - just not badly enough for you to realise how shitty he is.

[LanaorAna2]

Ewww. Ever heard the expression unpaid servant?

Get your mum to tell you what it means. In person, when you're staying with her.

[Cakemadeoffruit]

What do you get from this relationship?

Think I'd be booking a trip to my mom's, arriving home two days after them, not telling them but putting in in the calendar for him to spot.

Or I'd be taking the time whilst he's away to get things in order and see a solicitor.

[Wdigin2this]

I'm pretty sure in those circumstances, I'd not be there when he got home, and there'd be no beds made and no food, shopped for, prepared or cooked. Book yoursel into a Spa Hotel for a pamper break, and make sure it's not anywhere near your home!

[GabsAlot]

unless theres a backstory that you dont get on with the kids or something hes being out of order

at least discuss things first -does he always leave you out

[Seaweed42]

You can either tell him how you really feel, or just continue to huff, sulk and fume and hope he picks up your signals and reads your mind. Of course if he doesn't learn to read your mind in time, you'll have to ramp up the acting out like deflating the tyres on the car the day of the trip or whatever.

[Mammalamb]

Hi OP. He is behaving terribly. Who’s house is it? Who’s car is it? Are you sure that you still want to be in this relationship?

[ILovePierceBrosnan]

I’m going on holiday with my DC next month, booked it and paid for it without discussing with my beloved DP.

I did discuss my next planned break before booking but again am going away without him ...taking one adult child with me and leaving him to look after my youngest (he did this in May as well)

I would be comfortable with him doing the same. But...I’d expect him to holiday with me as well (in fact that is the primary holiday) and consult me if it impacted me I.e. he’s away this weekend and I’m caring for his dog.

I think your issues are with the dynamics and communication in your relationship. If you were equals you’d just plan a weekend yourself and have a car. It sounds like you are imbalanced.

[TheHobbitMum]

That's an awful way to treat you OP! Like fuck would I be there when they get back, book that flight to your mum and seriously think about what you get from this relationship

[GreatDuckCookery6211]

Has he always been on holiday on his own with them? Do you holiday with just him?

[FeistyOldBat]

I second Don'tfeelsogood and Cake's suggestions!

If this is the end of the relationship, think about the joint bank account(s). What are you going to do about that/those to protect yourself? How much of that money would you consider yours? I'd be saying 50%, at least, not including the extra cost of car hire for the time you don't have the use of yours. Or is it your car, in which case just put it somewhere he can't reach it.

Sorry if this is jumping the gun, but things can move out of your hands very quickly if you have decided/do decide to end the relationship.

[TwoShades1]

I’m a step mum and this is beyond odd! We do everything together as a family of 4.

[Readyfortheschoolhols]

He isn't really a partner is he? Maybe a lengthy holiday with your dm while you think about long term plans..
For yourself.

[funinthesun18]

The lack of discussion would really annoy me. It’s not about him going on holiday with his children because you would feel the same if he decided to waltz off on holiday with his friends/ his mum/ on his own etc... When you’re in a long term relationship you can’t just say “see ya” like that.

Like fuck would I be doing his little to do list he’s left for you.