To Not Make An Effort on DP and DSC holiday return

[IceColdCiderPlease]

My partner of 3 years is taking his 2 children on holiday next week for 2 weeks.
The children stay with us EOW and during the holidays.
I’m not invited. It has never been discussed he just booked it.
They all arrive back on a Thursday evening and the DCs (15 & 17) will be here until the Monday.
The expectation is that I will have food shopped, made beds etc for their return.
AIBU to just leave it & let them order take away ?

Well, he keeps on making it clearer. He refuses to support you when you need it, but just thinks of himself.

Sorry you're dealing with this all now. Sounds like you have a great relationship with your DS.

Time for a fresh start then, whether you head for the new continent or not.
Sorry you've so much going in, enjoy those cocktails and do not give your stbx any of that precious headspace he's so fond of

Aww @IceColdCiderPlease my dd got in to Uni yesterday and I'm torn between being happy and gutted. Huge hugs for you.

Can not believe his reaction to your news. I think I would be considering my future carefully.

If you ever read about an abusive man (for example the dominator) this is exactly how they start out. I'm not saying he's abusive now but it's how it's going to end.

And if he expects you to do the washing when he gets home remind him that the holiday was his time and he didn't want you infringing on it in anyway so you wouldn't want to infringe on it by doing the washing that resulted from it.

You sound like a wonderful mother.

Truly, spend your life on yourself and your children. Spend your evenings cooking and freezing meals for your son's return, not taking orders for an ungrateful shit. And that really is what he is.

You have us all behind you. Let us help you find your feet in the next stage of your life. As a previous poster said, is this now a time to reassess more than your relationship? Are you happy in your job? You could be quite free to make some amazing changes for yourself. You could consider your own career abroad, voluntary services overseas etc.

I like the ‘oh no thats your holiday washing. I know your holiday was special you time and I don’t want to infringe on your holiday washing by doing it for you’
But really I hope you never wash a shirt or a cup or cook a meal for dickwad again.

Please don't go back at all. Stay with a friend, collect your things when he's at work.
Don't put yourself in the position of being upset, gaslit or degraded again.

You can just arrive on Monday while he's at work, take your things and go. He doesn't even need to know before you do this.

Echoing everything that's been said. You sound awesome and worth more than this absolute TOSSER.

I wouldn't go back. Take another week if you can, find somewhere else to rent whilst you're away and get on with your new life.

If it helps OP, a friend of mine made a huge move like this with her dad when she was 18. She had a great time, now has friends all over the world, is well travelled, it has done her career the world of good and she said it made her really appreciate her mum. They're closer now than they were before she left (10 years ago now)!

On the issue of 'D'P, he's making leaving him easier for you by being such a monumental twat.

PS I hope you're enjoying your holiday (I was in Croatia 2 days ago. How Haven't you melted yet?)!

OP please separate from this total wankstain that is your current 'D'P. We can all see it. You MUST be able to see it! Get on to the landlord and give notice for your part of the tenancy. Do not get sucked back in by him. He is a clever and nasty manipulator. Maybe do the Freedom Program or something like reading the book, 'living with the dominator' anything! Please tell us all that you have binned him off. You are lovely and far too good for this total bellend wankbadger cocklodger.

Wait, he lives with your abuser and is now moving abroad with him? I don’t understand how it’s a great opportunity, unless your ex went through a mountain of therapy and he’s no longer an abusive person.

Apologies... I could’ve sworn OP mentioning a 25 yr abusive marriage but I just reread her posts and I can’t find it. I must be confusing threads

It seems the news of your ds has properly revealed your dps priorities and awful as it is it seems you are an option not a choice and that's horrible.

However without him it would leave you free to perhaps pop over and see your ds more frequently? to find things that you enjoy and to absolutely please yourself instead of being bottom of someone else's pile.

Your ds is finding his feet and you have the time now to really grab your life by the balls and make it the best for you. You sound lovely and I think it's amazing you've spontaneously taken yourself off for a holiday.

You have raised a strong, determined, independent son. He is off to make his mark on the world in his own style. He knows who his mother is, & he will be looking forward to sharing news of his new life with you.

So now its time for you to do the same. Get rid of your abusive, emotionally distant cocklodger. Give notice & move somewhere new, fresh and YOURS for your new start. Be your own woman, plan out a new future and grab life & shake it! Make room and space in your life for new, wonderful things to happen, places to travel, new people to meet.

Now is your time for you. You sound amazing, OP.

I'm sorry that this has happened at such short notice - but hopefully it will be a great opportunity

But as for your "D"P - it's all about him and what he wants isn't it.

• he can't get his head around listening and supporting you - but if you take a number he will get to you after Saturday
• but he expects you to get your head around his wants and stomach wants on holiday for a scratch lasagne

His selfishness is truly shocking

Fiesta OP did write that.

I though that abusive man was exdh and father to her DS. I'm guessing they were together for a shorter time. They are all moving abroad.

Current DH (of 25 years?)is being a total cfing cocklodger and has galavanted off on holibobs with demands of home cooked lasagne and plaster-over-gaping-wound mini break planning from OP.

Either way you're better off with out all of them OP!

Oh *IceCold8 so sorry you are in the middle of all this flux.

But you're right, this is a great opportunity for your son, and you will be able to go out and see him. (Even if not as often as you would like.) But you giving him this freedom now will always be remembered by him.

Sorry your partner has let you down, not supported you and basically acted like a wanker.

But I have no doubt you will overcome this. Start planning lovely trips out to see your son. Stand tall and strong; you have done yourself proud this last couple of weeks.

Totally agree that you have received more than enough confirmation this last fortnight to make a clean break and feel it was beyond justified.

You are clearly an amazing woman, your son is grounded enough to make careful considered decisions. But secure enough to stretch himself to go and enjoy his life. That is my dream for my girls. You have achieved my dream and I hope you realise how amazing that is!

Secondly you took yourself off and had a fantastic holiday, doing, learning and exploring. You haven't let anything hat has come in your past crush your spirit, you are continuing to be an inspiration to hose around you. Me included.

Now that your son has taken off for a while you could be free to do some more of your own things. Think of something you wish you'd learnt or done in the past and do it now! Don't let yourself get sucked back down with this man and his grinding expectations. Please don't.

I have watched his thread this week and it has been a true and real inspiration to me. Please please know how strong I believe you are and follow that strength to a better place.

Sorry to hear about your son's move. That must have been a blow and half, at a time when you are already at a low point.

I know that everyone is cheering you on, but I detect a completely different tone to your posts. Bravado? Stiff upper lip? Putting a brave face on the situation? Needing to communicate with him all the time.

Your attempts to call him must have made him puff his chest out and feel that you cannot do without him. His coolness, and making you wait until he was ready to have a conversation, was very revealing. It must have boosted his confdence that the balance of the relationship was tipped in his favour once more.

Would it be possible for you to promise youself not to turn to him or respond to him for the next 72 hours? He has hurt and humiliated you so much. I'm not even convinced that you are second best (in a list which includes himself). I wince every time you enable him to get his power back. Withdraw, withdraw, and leave him hanging, unsure of the future, until you back through the door.

I'm so sorry that an otherwise strong woman has been made to feel so low and worthless, by a controlling creep.

Op has been with current partner - holiday wankbadger for 3 years (first line of op)
The father of her son - her ex husband was the 25 years.

@winecigsandchoc current “DH” is a live-in boyfriend of 3 years with two teenage kids who love with him and the OP every other weekend and all school holidays.

If I did read correctly and OP described her former marriage as abusive, then I’m very confused why OP’s son chose to live with her ex and why every else thinks the two of them moving abroad is so brilliant.

OP has been with this Dp for 3 years. OP is your DP the reason your DS chose to live with his DF. Your dp sounds like a pompass and self serving, he only thinks of himself.

If you left this waste of space could your DS still only a boy and only 16 possibly move in with you. It sounds to me that he doesn’t have a lot of choice ie you would find him somewhere to live if he didn’t want to move overseas with his DF and his gf. Instead of spending hours cooking and washing for an ungrateful man (who doesn’t even include you in family outings) and his sons what about looking into making a nice home for your son and you.

I sometimes think we can’t see the woods from the trees and that’s why I think you are making a huge mistake if you stay with this man. Would your DS like the opportunity to live with just you.

Whatever you do OP, I wish you the best of luck and the wisdom to make the right choice.

I now have to go and make myself some lasagne, I can’t stop thinking about it.