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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not understand the new trend of no one visiting newborns?

423 replies

FatTory · 27/07/2018 16:13

As the title says really. I read many posts on here about people not wanting visitors for the first few days/week after having a baby. I don’t understand this at all. Why wouldn’t you want your family and friends to meet your new baby? Yes, I understand women often feel grotty after giving birth but serious complications aside, does it really matter for half an hour?

My friends and family were invaluable after I gave birth, holding DD’s so I could shower/eat/stretch my legs. I breastfed both of them and them holding the baby never impacted on my ability to feed or bond with my daughters.

Even relatives I don’t particularly like or get on with were welcome to come and see the new addition to our family.

OP posts:
NewGrandad · 27/07/2018 23:51

@whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2

I went in to labor when my in laws were visiting for my baby shower. No idea why they were even at my baby shower.

You didn't invite them?

Gottokondo · 28/07/2018 00:20

I think it's because they realise that some people have no boundaries. My ex SIL gave birth late at night. We visited her at home the next evening. Her father and his annoying wife were there and had been since ten that morning. They also asked what she was going to cook them for dinner. I felt so, so sorry for her (we cooked the dinner).

C8H10N4O2 · 28/07/2018 00:42

You didn't invite them?

Why would you expect to go to a woman's baby shower? Granted its a US tradition and wasn't a thing when I had mine but baby showers from observation are the woman and her girlfriends usually.

Did you expect to be invited to your DiL's hen night?

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 28/07/2018 00:46

@NewGrandad

Actually, no I didn't. I was led to believe a baby shower is held for the mother to be, and is for her friends and family. My husband wanted the baby shower to be joint - for him as well. He invited all his family. I have no family on my side. So I was totally pushed out of my own baby shower which was swamped by his relatives (cousins/aunts) from overseas. It was too much.

As was not leaving me alone to get to know my own newborn for over a week - sitting on the sofa hogging my baby. I was too polite, had no family of my own and didn't feel able to stand up for myself. My husband facilitated it back then. Now is a different matter and I have put a stop to it. And rightly so!

Rebecca36 · 28/07/2018 01:53

Sounds like it all worked out fine for you but we are all different. I certainly didn't want visitors and some don't just stay for an hour. They come to see you and your baby and end up gossiping and laughing amongst themselves. That's alright if you feel fine but many new mothers feel like death warmed up for a while and would rather sleep than entertain.

Beansonapost · 28/07/2018 02:23

It's not new.

A lot of different cultures have practices around no visitors etc.

My mother for example 8 children... always no visitors for the first 6 weeks... because well tradition. My oldest sibling is almost 50.

Since having my own children I appreciate no visitors. Leaking breasts... then the awful smell of breast milk & sweat! Coupled with c-section recovery... sleep depravation.... why would I want anyone around?

The only person I wanted around me then was my own mother! Because I felt the most vulnerable ... was always crying etc and really just needed the comfort of MY mother.

Perhaps it's a "new thing" to the British society, but it's not in many other cultures around the world.

ILoveHumanity · 28/07/2018 02:35

The only visitors I wanted were the ones I invited directly.

My siblings. Mum. Dad. And specific friends. The rest can wait till I’m rested.

I let them see baby in photos before.

I struggled breastfeeding and didn’t want people seeing me being milked like a cow .

BroomstickOfLove · 28/07/2018 07:20

Villagefete:
You know lots of women who had had short visits from close relatives in the first week after they had a baby with an uncomplicated birth.

I can't think of a single person in my circle of "mum friends' who had (a) family nearby (b) a straightforward birth and (c) the sort of uncomplicated relationship with their family that meant visits weren't stressful.

Maybe if you have that kind of relationship with your family, you are less likely to move far away from them, or they move to live near you in order to be a close grandparent. But I don't know very many people in that situation.

Pengggwn · 28/07/2018 07:21

but I do think that a quick visit, at a convenient time for the mother, is acceptable within the first week, in most straightforward circumstances.

You are doing it again. The mother is the person who gets to decide what is 'acceptable'. If, for whatever reason, and however ridiculous you deem the reason to be, she wants to have time alone after the birth, that means the visits aren't acceptable, and that is nobody's business except hers.

Original poster
FatTory · 28/07/2018 08:47

I don’t think at any point I demanded people do the same as me 😂 I just said I didn’t understand it. Obviously not taking into account women who’ve suffered a complicated birth or serious trauma. Goodness me, the people who reckon I’m being extremely unreasonable do seem to be rather vitriolic in their posts. I wonder how I’ve managed to hit such a note!

OP posts:
Original poster
FatTory · 28/07/2018 08:47

*nerve

OP posts:
Dieu · 28/07/2018 08:50

YANBU.

GabriellaMontez · 28/07/2018 09:02

Imagine (If you can) your family are bastards with no boundaries.

You've just had an horrific birth. Literally in pieces.

There are two reasons not to have visitors.

What I don't understand, is why you would have family members that you don't particularly like, visiting you in the days immediately after birth. Martyr or doormat?

likeacrow · 28/07/2018 09:13

@VillageFete

You said you were bored and had said all you had to say on the matter about 4 fucking pages before your most recent post. And yet you've accused someone else of being like a dog with a bone?!

You're talking utter shit and it's gone down like a lead balloon.

If I don't want my parents in law to visit, even for only 30 minutes, until I'm ready, possibly 2 weeks down the line, that's exactly what will happen. And what did happen.

Call me awkward? I call you judgemental, rude and odd. I don't give a shit when you want visitors, nor should you give a shit when someone else does.

likeacrow · 28/07/2018 09:31

@FatTory I assume you mean hit a nerve, not a note...? Either way, of course you've hit a nerve. You're making judgmental comments about what other women choose after giving birth. Isn't that what you intended to do by posting on AIBU?

80sMum · 28/07/2018 09:34

It was all so much easier when my babies were born. All the visitors came to visit and see the baby while we were still in hospital. Typically at the time (early '80s) newly delivered mothers spent about 5 days in the hospital, which gave plenty of time for visitors to come in with cards and gifts and to coo over the baby. When we got home, our only visitors in the first few weeks were the midwife and the health visitor.

bengalcat · 28/07/2018 09:37

Each to his or her own I guess - my parents , sibling and his parents visited the afternoon of my elective section - it was lovely to see them and they were all so looking forward to meeting my baby

Pengggwn · 28/07/2018 09:42

Goodness me, the people who reckon I’m being extremely unreasonable do seem to be rather vitriolic in their posts. I wonder how I’ve managed to hit such a note!

Tends to happen when you start telling people that what you want should also be what they want?

Manctart · 28/07/2018 09:42

I can see both sides. Initially I said I didn’t want any visitors for at least a week but that’s was before my baby was born. When he arrived I was so proud of him I wanted everyone to meet him so totally changed my mind! I think it just depends on how you’re feeling and also the people welcome want to come. Agree with PPs that some people can be overbearing, one of my relatives came at 8.30pm in a Friday for example when DS was one week old Hmm that was stupid IMO. But generally I think YABU because it’s personal preference.

VillageFete · 28/07/2018 09:46

likeacrow I don’t give a fuck if my opinion has gone down like a lead balloon, i’m not here to win support, I couldn’t care less. I think you sound terribly awkward and controlling, that’s my opinion from what you’ve stated. Unless you were incredibly unwell or your PIL’s live thousands of miles away, I think it seems OTT to have them wait weeks to meet their Grandchild, unless they couldn’t give a shit when they met him/her. I completely, 100% understand and appreciate a new mother not wanting visitors for the first few days, but a week down the line I just cannot see a problem with a quick visit in NORMAL families.

Jesus, there’s so many people here spouting about dysfunction, emotionally abusive, incredibly annoying family members. I find it hard to believe that every family member can be this way. In some cases on this thread maybe it’s a classic case of new Mother’s just not liking their inlaws and don’t want to allow them to visit because they are on a power trip and want to make life awkward?

borntobequiet · 28/07/2018 09:50

I had my children in the 80s. AFAIR, my MIL (local) popped in to the hospital for 30 min or so on day 2 (I went home the next day) and my parents (150 miles away) came for the day some time the next week, when I was at home. They brought their own food so I wouldn’t have to worry.
I can’t recall any fuss or bother about visiting newborns in those days. To be fair, there was no fuss or bother when my grandchildren were born (within the last 10 years), I can’t even remember at what point I first saw them.

Kittykat93 · 28/07/2018 09:58

After the birth I was in agony for around 2 weeks and on very strong painkillers. As soon as I was home from hospital I had all of my partners family come round and to be honest I couldn't even sit down at this point and it was hell. I think people have a right to choose when they have visitors.

Stillwishihadabs · 28/07/2018 10:04

Whoever made the point about being in hospital for 5-10 days in the 70's and 80's was right. That "lying in" period is now happens at home for the vast majority of births. That's fine if the mother has a supportive DP and an understanding family, but too often the mother is given no space to recover. I would recommend having "visiting hours " like in hospital for the first 2 weeks and protected rest time each afternoon. People coming round and staying for hours is totally not on.

Stillwishihadabs · 28/07/2018 10:07

FWIW I was lucky that DS was jaundiced so in hospital for 3 days, so everyone visited there MIL was thankfully not in the country. Dd was literally a walk in the park (4 hour labour, home 2 hours later) so really didn't give much a shit who was around to witness the chaos.

Pengggwn · 28/07/2018 10:07

VillageFete

I'm sure, sometimes, it is. But let's reflect on why a new mum might feel she needs to be in control for a moment. Hmm. She has just been through a physical ordeal over which she had next to no control: giving birth. Her body is doing all sorts of weird things. She may be in pain. There is a small baby relying on her for everything. She has had little sleep and may be very anxious. So she wants to exercise a tiny scrap of power over something.

So. Fucking. What.